


Shame On You

by IydenKnight



Category: The Maze Runner (Movies), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Actually definitely some angst, Anal Sex, Blood and Injury, Blow Jobs, Dark Fantasy, Domestic Fluff, Drug Addiction, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Falling In Love, Healing, Homelessness, Maybe some angst, Multi, Plot Twists, Recovery, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Semi-Public Sex, Sexual Tension, Sexual Violence, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, They're both annoyed, What's a team?, and then fluff, it's an adventure
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:08:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 38
Words: 141,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22102330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IydenKnight/pseuds/IydenKnight
Summary: Let the malevolent truth of the world curl around your throat until you learn to take it with pleasure.Thomas is an addict, but even with the confining holds to his drugs, he learns that everyone has their own secrets. Sometimes the most normal of people have the darkest desires.Are they truly healing each other? Or is this shared consequence of existence merely using them both?
Relationships: Brenda/Gally (Maze Runner), Brenda/Minho (Maze Runner), Gally/Minho (Maze Runner), Newt/Thomas (Maze Runner)
Comments: 211
Kudos: 59





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! Warning ahead, please read tags :)

Sin does not lay claim to discrimination. It emanates deep into our very beings from the very moment our souls take the flesh of the living. Some of us, for the most part, have no damn idea what the hell that even means.

He was sick.

Thomas exhaled a sharp groan as the foul stench of an ammonia like substance and vomit eradicated the building of oxygen. He turned his head, and the harsh scratching noise of cement floor against his ear caused another downfall to his grip of reality. It cut through the blanket of what blur lay way, punishing him for even existing. He sat up, gagging as a roll throughout his stomach brought up more of what poisons his insides had once begged for.

_Why do I do this?_

His thin fingers trembled as he pushed his hand back to wipe what remain on his stained lips. They were stained with death, having kissed it so often, he'd forever been implemented with it's cold. 

It took a while before the rocking of his vision stilled enough for him to stand. He still plummeted against the graffiti of the wall, his hand splayed out on the markings of a cult. 

_What's the date?_

_What am I doing?_

He sniffed back the drip of his previous line, and swayed into the small desk that sat in the middle of the abandoned room. It was always just the desk. When the units had caught flame and the residents had long damned their infested homes, it had become the meeting place for those who only knew to take.

He hated this. He hated waking up. The small baggie on the ground had only the small imprints of his drug. He bent down with a heavy breath and forced his finger to collect the white dust that had been near gone for days. How long had he been awake before he'd passed out cold to the combination of liquor and desperation? His finger tip was barely coated as he ran it across his gums and stifled back a soft moan.

This was the only release he had left.

It wasn't even about getting high anymore. He just felt so much less alone when his poison whispered soft words, seductive and manipulative. Even so, he knew where he was being pulled. Thomas wasn't naive to the monster he'd fallen in love with; he just didn't care.

Out past the projects, where the sun kissed the fogged border of buildings and scarred trees, Thomas made his way to the street. It was cold, and not the kind that made you bundle in thick sweaters and take out fresh cocoa after a long day of running errands. It was cold with silence. The trees were thin and ugly, wired around by half of a fence as trash collected in it's sharp ends.

The way the birds collected to dip into the clouds reminded him of a movie he'd once seen about zombies. For a split moment, he had to consider if he'd overdosed and woken up to the beginning of a coma; but that couldn't be the case, Thomas was still in pain.

The whistle from his hangover made the world deafening. Everything from the way the street curled into a busy lane and the constant clicking of the cross walk bound together to become the single, maddening hum in his head. He brought his dark hoodie up and turned to the alleyway outstretching to meet the few stores left on this lane. 

When did he start hiding his face to cross the street?

People knew. It wasn't like anyone left of the abandos gave a shit about who was using. Everyone in the area had long come to a silent agreement that they would die together, in the arms of desperate bliss. He shoved his hands into his pockets and began walking forward to the thought. It didn't matter. He went three days missing, and no one in this world would give his sudden appearance a look over. That's the way he wanted it to remain.

His eyelids strained to remain open, and the sudden auroma of fast baking donuts stabbed deep into his gut. He clenched his stomach and tumbled to the pavement in front of the little shops built in together, breathing through the panic his heart paced. He couldn't eat a damn thing, and yet he needed it more than his body would allow him to feel. Thomas had long convinced himself it was his body at fault, not his choices.

"You're an idiot," A voice arose into the realm of his being, and he turned his entire body to look forward at the small woman that glared her dagger like gaze. She had her arms crossed, her lips twisted into a distasteful scowl," He's going to kick your ass when he finds out."

Thomas blinked back the light, though he soon realized the entire world was on this setting and even the shadows couldn't hide him from the horrible feeling of vulnerability and alarm. He held back the wave of nausea from will power alone.

"Who?" He managed, his voice hoarse and harsh even for their cities air.

Brenda scoffed and threw a water bottle at him, gesturing partially towards the small tattoo shop she often visited. He could only look down to the water and wonder when the last time he'd even had a drink. Brenda knelt down to meet his gaze, the often dark shade of her embers holding something that felt like it was meant for someone else. "Minho, Thomas. Minho is going to be pissed. You missed three shifts. He's been calling me all week."

Thomas, in the span of everything, could only shrug helplessly as he clung to the bottle like it was life. It had been a while since he'd actually physically held anything. The thought should have scared him.

Who could walk alone and cease to touch the fabric of the world they lived in? His hands craved to wrap around more.

Brenda put a hand to his shoulder," Come on. He's in the shop. You can watch me get my tattoo, and then we can get you some coffee."

Thomas chuckled, though the sound itself felt so foreign coming from him. Another slam against his chest, and another shaky breath had him to his feet in a desperate fit for change. What did he-

"Brenda-"

"No," she hissed, watching him with horror in her eyes," Don't you fucking dare ask me for another favor. Look at you!" She gestured to his torn clothes and pale, fragile body that tried to curl within itself. "You told me that you were just going to get high. This is not-" she broke off to stare at the stores, and in just a moment her face was blank. She turned away and began to walk from him," It's your life, Thomas, but I'm not going to watch you end it like this anymore."

He wasn't sure if she expected him to follow.

He didn't.

-

Newt leaned back in his chair and bit back a sudden gasp of shocked laughter. His wrist flicked against the steering wheel and he turned to view the man who had started it all. His accent bled into the vehicle, somehow only angering his passenger more.

"You've got be kidding me, Gally." He shook his head and threw it up, as if it to question wether God, himself, found it funny too.

He didn't hear any laughter, but he was sure the guy saw the irony.

Gally slouched down into his seat with scrunched up eyebrows and a permanent scowl," I'm serious."

"Oh?" Newt looked back into the rearview mirror with a smirk. He often chose Gally specifically to run errands with because of the immediate reaction he often got to his small quirks and teases. It was too tempting not to. He tapped the middle compartment between the seats as he turned a street away from their designated spot," Roll one while I'm out, and then maybe we can talk about that completely real chic off Benbrook."

Gally forced himself between the seats and pointed a finger at him," She was real! You really think I just walked around the block the entire goddamn night to have a story?"

Newt smirked," I don't know you did that. You could have been in your room the entire night. I wouldn't have even noticed."

Gally scoffed, though his hand soon opened up to the goods. He chose from a pouch of packed swishers, peeling the top off with his teeth. Weed always made him so much more submissive, despite the call of his raging ego.

Newt let out an almost nervous breath upon arrival. It took him a while to really realize it. This happened every time, despite how often he'd visited a stranger. Well, he wasn't really sure he could call Alby a stranger anymore.

Gally looked to him, and then to the apartments," You... Good?"

Good.

Newt gripped onto the steering wheel and forced himself to fall back to his seat. He was in control of this, he told himself. The desire surpassed the after effect of shame. It did now, anyways. He managed a simple nod and reached for the box to the side of him, small but far heavier than anything he could really weigh.

"I'll be right back," Newt informed. He threw the keys to Gally's chest and pushed himself from the vehicle. As he was walking towards the first set of rusted stairs, he could hear Gally mutter a "that's what you said last time."

"Last times" had become quite an occurrence. How else was he to feel the release of what lay so sinfully in his mind? He had never told anyone, not all of it anyways, but Alby had caught onto something. That something was enough to please them both in the end. He fought back the feeling of heat throughout his body as he knocked on the door. His eyes were cold, authorative. Alby could change them so easily with his presence alone. He had his answers, and Newt would do just about anything to receive them.

"It's all set up," Alby said with his low voice, his muscular arm resting along the door frame. He noticed the box and raised a small brow," Is that for me?"

Newt's fingernails curled into the cardboard in his one hand," It's for me. I didn't want to open the package at home."

Alby's lips split into a sadistic grin, pulling him in by the shirt to the small, darkly tinted apartment. He brought the door back and locked it with two distinct clicks. That's how Newt knew it was time to start. Those two clicks had both become an immediate trigger, and the sudden painful anticipation that sat in his chest.

"Now," Alby said with a dark glint," Show me your new knife."

-

Thomas was couch surfing, again. He lied back against the arm rest of the seat and traced his gaze along the white molds of ceiling. It was so bland to be here. There was nothing exciting, nothing that might stir the numbness and drench it with- well, a high. He groaned, as he rolled into the cushion and punched the side of the furniture with a bruised fist.

"Idiot," Minho called from the big chair he'd practically claimed as a child. No one sat in that chair, and no one rubbed their grimy fingers all over it's fine, copy and paste prints. Thomas eyed him from his position and refrained from telling his boss that he looked like a fucking loser.

"I'll be outta here soon," Thomas murmured," Just need to find some cash."

"Fuck your cash," Minho replied. He busted open the pizza box that had been sitting out all night on the coffee table with obvious frustration. He lifted a dried pepperoni slice and used it to gesture at Thomas' body," Look at you. You don't need any money. You don't need anything but that couch."

Thomas sat up, a clear scowl etched into his features at the idea of being turned down for another favor. He was beginning to run out of ways to buy his shit. Minho didn't budge though, and he really didn't seem happy about doing it last time anyways.

"Thomas..."

The words were so soft, that Thomas thought of his mother. For a brief moment he could see her warm, brown eyes and then everything was at peace.

For a moment. He tilted his head and squinted his eyes," What?"

Minho sighed, looking lost before he even began to speak. He tossed half of his pizza onto a paper plate and leant back in his good, old chair," Nothing. I left you some smokes on the counter. There's five bucks man, that'll be enough for a sandwich but don't go panhandling for more."

Thomas' lips curled into a half grin as he moved forward to pocket the money and push a cigarette behind his ear," You're too good to me."

Minho waved him off," I know. You're annoying as shit, but I know you."

_I know you._

Thomas turned away and cleared his throat. No one knew him, not really. He didn't want anyone to either. To hell with whatever kind of friendship made people feel less alone. Thomas liked being alone. He gave a simple nod, before exiting the apartment with a smoke in hand. The first real drag off a cigarette was always the best. He could forget the pain in his throat when it was too busy fighting oncoming smoke. He'd pretend to release every horrible ache in his body with each exhale, and then he'd continue to walk until he believed it.

-

Newt wasn't sure if there were any words for his condition. Every moment spent in Alby's apartment felt like he was being induced by the heaviest drug. It would start off with the trembling desire that had his heart pounding in his chest with a pain that threatened to release the vile in his stomach. The longer Alby would circle him like a predator only made Newt that much more desperate.

"Please," Newt begged, his hand found it's way down his naked collarbone, his fingers tracing soft patterns to ease the discomfort of impatience. And Alby would smirk at him, slowing his circle to finally take place just before Newt with his new gift.

"You're such a freak for it," Alby said, though it was more in genuine awe then degradation. He flipped the knife over in his hand and stepped forward to Newt's space. He pressed the blade's edge along Newt's skin, just along where his fingers had once explored- and to Alby's immediate approval, Newt let out a soft, embarrassing moan.

"I haven't even done it yet," Alby said with humor.

Newt bit his lip, nearly stepping into the blade itself. Though, that had been a rule. Alby would allow him this pleasure, but he wasn't to move. The blonde had once asked him his reasoning, only to be met with a simple answer.

"Art."

Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean.

Newt took in a deep breath and remained still, and finally- _finally,_ Alby cut open his skin. It was slow, and the tearing pain of an open wound had his entire body tensing before it relieved it's tension with a wave of horrible, seductive pleasure. His hands grasped to his side as he lowered his gaze, only to find he couldn't quite see what he wished.

Alby caught his movement and flicked a finger over the entire gash, the white bubbled pores finally filling with the river of blood that seeped out past it's borders. His finger was coated when he pulled away, and he smirked when Newt immediately opened his lips.

"Why does this make you so damn hot?" Alby asked in wonder. 

Newt swallowed hard before he allowed himself to reach for Alby's finger, who let him ease into the movement of his use. He liked to see the way the dark substance glistened along someone's skin, the way it tasted like a thick iron and drenched his throat for an after effect. Something about it just _got him._ He did not cut for self hatred, nor did he seek out to see someone else bleed for sadistic nature. That was just it. He had no bloody clue why the sight, smell, and taste filled something for him.

He licked his finger in a long, entranced movement. Alby watched him with unreadable eyes, as he always did. This was still the first part.

As the night parted into a series of moments, all intricately and skillfully placed, Newt and Alby found a far dangerous way to further induce the sensations lust brought. Newt took him with a gasp, grabbing onto the headboards above his head as the foundation of blood mixed with the sweat of his body. He had long gashes across his stomach, and more lie against his arm. It was a mess he so longed to be forever bathed in.

In the end he stumbled down the stairs to his car and stopped just before the driver's seat. He was covered in his thick hoodie, his hat low enough to hide what no one would ever be able to actually decipher into shame. His hand smoothed over the door only to find it was locked. He turned to find the keys in his pocket when his wide eyes took in Gally's sleeping figure.

_Fuck._

He'd gotten carried away and forgotten about Gally completely.

Again.

Swallowing hard, he knocked on the window and Gally shot up and slammed his head back against the seat. It took a moment for him to register what the hell was happening, when he pushed open the door for Newt to release all the thick, obvious piles of smoke out into the street.

Newt squinted his eyes at the blunt still smoking in Gally's hand.

"You smoked all my bloody weed."

Gally raised a brow and purposely lifted the blunt to his lips, taking a long, obnoxious hit. He blew it out in Newt's direction and shrugged," You said you'd be right back."


	2. Death Comes

Thomas took in a deep breath, and for a moment his world was centered. In the brief dimness of the morning light that filtered in through the thick collection of dust, did he finally find a reason to turn from his mattress. The single ray along the dying curtains brought a visible path to the single photo framed on the dresser. He reached out to it and led a thumb down it’s burnt edges, his mother’s eyes looking past the photographer to beckon him forward into the coldness of her absence. He’d been so young in that picture. He was still bright eyed and ready, full of visions of the world and the future that his mother had often swore he held in the palm of his hands. He must have dropped it along the way somewhere.

When will this end?

Pushing hair from his face, he sat up to collect his conscious, wondering if it was the one to send sharp daggers along the heat of his skin. Maybe it was a warning. He knew well enough of the dangers that the world brought, and that his only haven had become nothing more than a temporary prison.

He blinked back the crust along his eyelids and rubbed a hand along the back of his neck, a sudden sickness curling inside of him to double him over with a sharp gasp. It wouldn’t stop. He was starving, and yet he couldn’t quite bring himself to eat. How long had it been since he’d gotten high? The days had felt like years, every second of the horrid darkness that took over was beginning to feel like his damnation.

Because Thomas was already damned, wasn’t he?

Newt slammed the car door shut, only to be followed by the sudden frustrated cry from his friend, who pointed an accusing finger in his direction,” You always say it’s just going to be five minutes, but last time I finished an entire ass movie!” He looked at him from over the hood of the car, and then realize his point was better said where he wasn’t just a head. He trailed around and held up Newt’s knife with a raised brow,” Forgetting your protection you’re so eager?”

For a moment, Newt couldn’t quite get out words, but he moved frantically for his knife and turned to the apartment in question,” Shut it,” he clasped the weapon in his hand with a scowl,” It takes time to do business.”

“Business?” Gally hadn’t ever been vocal about these little trips that Newt insisted he needed a hand with, but it seemed he was tired of being in the dark. He threw his hand out in a grand gesture,” Half these apartments look like they’re apart of Chernobyl, Newt. What the hell kind of business are you doing with this guy?”

Newt took in a deep breath to steady his nerves before going for a weak shrug.

Gally was horrified. “A shrug? Really? That’s all you’ve got for me?” He leaned in close and pushed a hand out to curl into the fabric of Newt’s shirt,” If you’re doing something illegal, I should know.”

Newt, not having ever been one to be tested, stared forward with a near apathetic slate,” I’m sleeping with him.”

His friend had only a moment to sputter and release him in shock, near stuttering over what might have been words when footsteps close by had them both turning with wide eyes. Newt had half expected Alby to show, though he’d spoken a few words to Gally, they hadn’t ever been formally introduced. It was part of the deal anyways. Now, instead of the broad, quite intimidating man there stood a much thinner, pale looking stranger.

“Sorry,” he said, his fingers tapped along the side of his leg, almost as if he had no control over what his body enacted,” I asked for a smoke, but I guess you guys didn’t hear.”

There was something unsettling about him. Where his brown eyes might have been graced with the different shades of a brighter light, they were dullened by the empty stare. Newt could only look for a moment before Gally was muttering something under his breath as he pulled out a cigarette from his pack of L&M’s. The stranger took it with a grin, his gaze flickering to Newt almost in humor,” You have a light?”

Newt furrowed his brows,” A what?”

Gally sighed dramatically,” Well fuck, I guess.” He rummaged around in his pocket and handed that over too, though the stranger kept his sight on the blonde as he lit his smoke. It was unnerving. Newt rubbed his hands together and ignored the cold air that escaped his lips. Alby was probably just finishing up with work, but still he didn’t like being late.

“You two aren’t from here,” The stranger said, handing back over the lighter to enjoy the horrid pleasure of nicotine. 

Gally leant back against the car with a raised brow, his hands smoothing down to his pockets,” Well, that’s damn obvious, isn’t it? I mean-“ He raised a hand to his body, gesturing down the clean, high brand coat he wore in contrast to the mooch. Newt only noticed it now. There was such a vivid line between the two and the place they stood. Newt and Gally lived in the brightest part of the city, enamored by familiar coffee shops and businesses for the most elite. The stranger before them, appeared as if he’d just woken from a ditch.

“You can wear whatever the hell you like,” the other male said in distaste, a flicker of something like fire in his eyes,” but that doesn’t make you anything. I could tell you two weren’t from here because you let me walk up on you without even noticing.” He took a long hit of his unfinished cigarette and flicked it to the ground before turning from them both,” That’s how you get shot.”

Newt’s eyes widened briefly. He could only elbow Gally hard in response when the man was away from their sight,” Idiot. You shouldn’t be insulting people like that.”

“Trust me, Newt. He won’t even remember it by the time he’s finished off smoking,” Gally spit on the concrete, like it was the vile poison to the bitter taste of the abandos air. He leant back against the car and rolled his eyes,” Well,” he gestured towards the apartments once again,” Off you are. I’ll probably catch up on some Netflix.”

And in that moment, it was like everything in the entire world had intricately designed it’s parts to break away at the surface, like a clean cut that drenched the beings before the jagged body of choice and destiny. If Newt had known, even the mere gravity of what each footstep meant to his future, then maybe he never would have bought the stupid knife that kept him coming back to Alby.

Thomas had hurt a lot of people. He’d lied enough that he could already picture the ash and fire oozing from every bud of his tongue until the Devil delivered it onto a silver platter for the dark beings that hungered. It was only a matter of time before someone did something about it. He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked like a soldier to his death, unknowingly and yet completely ready. Newt had pushed past enough buildings to find his way to Alby’s-

A single bullet.

It struck like lightning, echoing out to the real world and desperately calling for an audience. Newt struggled with a gasp, and the same man from before fell with a limp to the hard concrete that had been painted with his blood like a spattering, raging artist. The man with the gun turned, his dark hoodie hiding his face. “Choke,” it rasped, and he raised the gun and shot Newt. He wondered suddenly, as darkness protruded through shock, if his shot was any less silent to the world.


	3. Dreams and Reality

A wave.

The prideful rage of dark waves surfaced, grasping for every limb to tear apart Newt’s being like a predator in need of the sadistic edge to what would remain after his body was no longer willing to struggle to the surface. Afterwards, would the ocean embrace him as it’s own, to lie against the sandy bank below any life, away from any light? Newt pushed forward, breaking the water’s surface with a horrid scream of anguish as his hands fought to find a savior in the middle of the ocean. He barely had the energy to keep his head up, each new bob of water forcing it’s way to his throat. It was too dark to see, too dark to remember. The salt that infused with every breath was painful, and even more so the ache of his body as it kicked viciously against the movement.

“Breathe,” a voice whispered, calm despite the storm that hurdled over their death, lightning emanating a purple streak in the thick clouds that met no end. Newt couldn’t find the person that spoke, but he heard the whisper- and suddenly the water receded from his body, as if it were being taken by a drain.

He gasped for more air until he was forced to his knees on the drenched white painted cement. Lightheaded, he swayed as he lifted himself with a wince, and his vision blurred past the dark walls that cascaded over the clouds until a single person filled his gaze. He furrowed his brows as he let out another painful, half breath,” You?”

Thomas fell against the wall in shock, his eyes widening as he took in everything around them. Where had the ocean gone? Now it was like a white canvas with clouds that hung over and nothing but continuous, empty nothing. “Where are we?” he asked in a whisper.

_Was this Hell?_

In the hospital, Gally chased down the nurses and doctors with a frantic need to know. They had told him nothing, and even if they claimed too, he had been in shock over the image of limp bodies with a river of horrible, sickening blood along the dying grass. The bright lights blinded him as he was forced back into security’s arms, just until the stretchers were pushed past a place he could no longer follow. He threw his hand back and pushed off, trembling and gasping for air.

_This was his best friend._

_He’d been fine just five minutes after they’d spoken._

_And then it just happened._

Gally fell against the chairs of the waiting room and stared off into nothing. He couldn’t feel anything but the traumatizing fear of what he might lose behind those doors.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this high,” Thomas let out in awe, and he brought his knees up to his chest to watch the vivid lights of the storm. Newt lowered down to face him, grabbing hard to his knee to awaken the slumber of his mind.

“You’re not high,” he said desperately,” I don’t know what the hell happened, but this isn’t a high.”

Thomas blinked back and looked deep into Newt’s eyes, and they both jumped when the world shifted like a quake, and drops of blood began to rain down, almost like snow flakes. Newt gasped, a hand jumping to his chest as Thomas reached for his head. “Are we dead?” Newt asked. He tried to fight away the emotions that drenched his voice, but he was terrified, and he felt so damn cold.

A snowflake dropped onto Thomas’ face and it disappeared just as quickly with nothing left to reminisce the dark shade of crimson. Newt reached out to touch his cheek, and Thomas pulled away in discomfort. Even in Hell, he didn’t want to be touched. He pulled away from Newt and stood up to bring his hoodie up as cover,” We should find shelter,” he said in a ragged breath.

“Shelter?” Newt followed suite, pulling up his jacket’s hood, though he was already enamored by the dark beauty of what fell. It was so odd, and yet it wasn’t what frightened him.

_Wait._

He turned to the man and looked up at him with furrowed brows,” I know your name,” he said. “You never told me your name.”

Thomas’ eyes softened when he returned the look,” Newton,” he said back,” We really need to find shelter, and then we can try to find out what drug we took.”

Newt nodded with a little determined glint to his eyes, that is… until he realized how long the white walls spread out into the shadows that it encompassed. He took one step forward and the floor broke off, tearing itself like a shred of paper to fall down into a circle of galaxies that made him sick looking at it too close. He grabbed at Thomas’ arm to steady himself, and the man pulled away again- and they both stumbled through their paper floors, and the wind of a new world grabbed them with force.


	4. Troubled Dreams

Newt remembered falling, and like a tiny thousands stars had encompassed the fall within every movement of his fingertips, it emanated a bright streak of light until nothing was left. He blinked back the grogginess of his mind, and tried to take in the crystals that made up an assortment of soft sunrise hues that quickly took the form of a hotel room. A nice one at that. He furrowed his brows at the orange curtains and slowly rose from the bed, where sheets were tucked in to half his bare waist. He'd gotten lucky? He stumbled out of the sheets and to the cool floor, dragging his left over cover towards the door of the bathroom. He barely had any time before his phone let out a shriek alarm, and the door opened for him to meet the same man he'd fallen with.

_Falling._

Newt's eyes widened as he tripped back," What-" he eyed their belongings thrown onto the floor and shook his head," No. Absolutely not! We did not get high off something I can't remember and end up here! I smoke pot, that's it."

Thomas was bare down to his boxers, and he leaned against the door frame with a pained look," I don't... I don't know what happened." His thin body had bruises, like he'd just been choked prior to their night in, blue and purple marks caressing his pale throat. 

"You drugged me," Newt said, his words matching the trembling fingers he used to turn the alarm off on his phone. It was six in the morning, but the sun that bled past the curtains said otherwise. He swallowed hard and turned away to begin collecting his clothes.

"Drugged you?" Thomas slammed the bathroom door shut and gestured to his neck," You think I drugged you? What, to sleep with you? No offense blondie, but you're not even my type."

Newt turned back with a glare," I'm not the one who looks like they've been getting high since they were twelve," and he knew it was out of line, but fear moved throughout him for what he couldn't remember.

Thomas took the comment in stride, joining him on the adventure of finding their clothes. He huffed a little when he pulled his jeans back up, taking a hand to the curtains," Shit..." There was no more morning grumps, because it had been enveloped completely by the horror in his gaze that Newt followed to the outside world beyond their hotel room.

"That sign isn't even in English," Thomas informed low.

"I can see that myself," Newt griped, trying to decipher what the origin of the hotel name even was. It had normal english letters, but all strung together like no other language he'd ever seen. He dropped the curtain and turned to the TV," The remote, where's the damn remote? I need to see the news."

Thomas picked it up from the bed and sent him a look he didn't have enough time to actually register as he pressed the button. The TV hummed with an god awful white noise before clicking into a clear picture of a man at a news table. "That's Daniel Cloke from channel five," Thomas said with a visible smirk, and with a little more shame he added in a whisper," He's the hottest one on their team."

"Oh you've most definitely drugged me," Newt replied bitterly, though he didn't believe it at this point. It was too... Odd. "Shut it-"

"Hello, my dear friends," Daniel stared into the camera like he knew exactly how his voice sent horrid, repulsing chills down their spines. He didn't even blink, though he tilted his head to somehow analyze what wasn't before him and Thomas took a sudden step back. Newt's eyes widened as the anchor man spoke further," It seems you're a little confused. Let me help you out."

Thomas looked over to Newt for a moment, who tried his best to repel any of his words by remaining straight towards the screen with crossed arms. It wasn't too difficult, when a sudden high pitch screaming emanated from behind the set, causing Daniel to roll his eyes a bit with annoyance," Well, I guess I'll have to explain later. Please be sure to get some breakfast, your body will need it! And that's Channel Five-"

Thomas turned the TV off and threw the remote as if it were infected with the most foul substance. He set to pacing right after, which only infuriated Newt more. "Quit it! I can't think with you going about like a- You know, like whatever you're doing. I can't think of a metaphor."

"Simile," Thomas said, dragging his fingers through his hair.

"Excuse me?"

Thomas stopped in the middle of the room and stared at him in great disdain, his face more pale than it had been when they'd first met," You said _like a,_ so it would be a simile."

Newt really, really couldn't believe the luck he had. Here he was, lost and starving in front of a television that had just spoken to him from a very disturbing news cast- with a druggie that cared more about the correct form of english terms than the fact they were completely, irreversibly fucked. He screamed into his hands and threw himself back on the bed," What did I do to deserve this!?"

Thomas leaned up against the wall and shifted uncomfortably, and he actually seemed to be taking the situation somewhat seriously with the way his dull eyes shifted towards the window with a harsh breath. Newt glared at him though, because he knew it had to be his fault somehow. All of this started just after they'd met. He closed his eyes for a long moment as desperation began to seep into his bones, and everything was so... cold. It was as if his mind had began to stop processing information altogether because of the way this reality twisted it's dead fingers around his being. He knew when people died, that they saw things like this... Well, maybe not like this, but the sharp pain that he felt everywhere had to be apart of dying.

Thomas sniffled, and for a moment Newt almost thought he was crying. When he lifted his gaze to him though, he was headed to the door with a jacket he remembered faintly for some reason," I'm going to figure out whatever the hell is going on."

"Alone?" Newt asked with a raised brow, he grabbed his shirt from the bed and finished dressing completely in a bit of a fit. "We need to stick together. We have no clue what the hell's out there."

"Looks like a hallway to me," Thomas said, pushing another button Newt hadn't even been aware he had. The guy was just... the worst. Thomas didn't give any emotion away as he led them down the hall, bright orange carpet that just yelled vomit. Newt had forced his hands into his pockets with a permanent glare, because even if he didn't want to be alone in a place that signaled an omnipresent anchor man, it didn't mean he liked being with Thomas, or that he could even stand him long enough to escape. 

The hall spread out for a very long ways, and each step somehow felt more threatening. He kept wondering if he'd see a human looking into the window from this high up with a decaying grin. Swallowing a painful lump in his throat and trying to throw the thought away completely, Newt slowed his pace enough to look at Thomas without being caught. Just to analyze, Newt informed himself- and it was better than watching the same door pass every few seconds.

If he were anyone else, he might even say he was attractive. Before, anyways. His jaw line was sharp, but he could tell it had been carved by the lack of nutrients with the way his shoulders thinned out and revealed the protruding collar bone from the opening of his jacket. His hair was a pretty length, curling slightly under his ears, but it could definitely use a brushing. Newt furrowed his brows at the rest of him. How could someone so sick, have lips like that? They should be cracked with dryness, but his were a soft tint of pink, the kind actors brush fingers against and make the watcher fall in love.   
  
"Finally," Thomas said with a sudden grin, and it took Newt a moment to realize they were standing in front of an elevator.

"Well don't get too excited," Newt said, and he let his fingers reach for the button, just as Thomas slammed his hand down. They both looked up at eachother at the sudden touch, Newt with annoyance and Thomas with sudden red to his cheeks as he pulled back like he'd been slapped in the face.

Newt raised an inquisitive brow, to which Thomas cleared his throat a little," Don't like to be touched."

Newt bit his lip, but he didn't reply with anything as the elevator door opened and they both stepped in. If he didn't like to be touched, Newt wasn't about to tease him for it. The guy clearly had alot already going on. He took in a deep breath just as his stomach growled," Shit... I'm starving."

Thomas pressed the bottom floor," I'll find you something to eat soon."

He'd find Newt something to eat? That whole sentence didn't sit well with him, because it had almost seemed helpful. He wondered, suddenly, what Gally would make of this guy.

Gally opened his eyes when he heard the commotion. An Asian man, beautiful and loud, paced the room with a woman behind his steps. "They won't let me see him!" He said, and he stopped to throw his hand against the wall with a shaky, heartbreaking gasp. Gally sucked in his own painful air and watched the woman put a hand on his shoulder.

"Please Minho, he's going to be okay," she had already lost her tears, they spread across her cheek and danced across the curve of her lips.

"He doesn't-" Minho closed his eyes," He doesn't get to leave us. Fuck him, he doesn't get to leave without getting better."

Gally threw his head back against the wall behind him and stared forward at the doors to the emergency room. What had happened? Who... Could ever want to take away Newt? 

"They didn't even catch the shooter," Minho said with heat, and that's when Gally finally connected the dots. They were the other boy's friends. He stood up from his chair and with great effort moved to stand before them. The woman noticed him first, and she turned- maybe half expecting Gally to ask them to leave with the guarded look she had.

"My friend was shot too..." He said, not really sure why it even mattered he spoke to them. There was no need for further explanation, because the woman rushed to give him a tight hug, tears still spilling enough that he could feel them call to his own.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "They're going to be okay."

  
  
  
How is it that the complete ordinary design of tiled floors could feel so heavy underneath their own feet? With every step, Thomas felt as if he would sink further into the floor, and he must have said something without realizing it, for Newt reached an arm out only to pull away upon second thought. "Do you need help?"   
  
_Do you need help?  
  
_Thomas blinked back the faded faces of a crowd, all dispersing into the frown on Newt's lips. He winced at the sudden ache in his legs and shook his head a little rough," I'm probably just coming down. I'm fine, it happens." Who would have thought even in this twist of reality, where even the sun rises at the wrong time and the men on the tv know who you are, that Thomas would still need his drugs?Perhaps, he thought solemnly, that it wasn't reality he was trying to escape after all. Maybe it was just himself.  
  
"Well, dining room is over there." Newt kept a straight face, but Thomas knew he was being judged. He was too tired to care though, and began to follow the blonde into the empty room. The sudden scent of meat drug throughout the room like a furnace, one he would oh so willingly dive in if it meant tasting it's product. He heard his own stomach this time and immediately reached for the food set out on the table. It was beautiful- exorbitant dishware, aligned with countless dressings and gravy for the thick, juicy sausage and bacon. Biscuits collected in a delicately crafted wooden bowl, sliced jelly in numerous colors. Newt stumbled into a chair," Oh god," he whispered, and suddenly they were both dipping their hands for the plates and gathering the tempting feast.  
  
Thomas didn't bother using any silverware for the sausage, and ripped it into half with his teeth with a soft, audible enough moan of appreciation. Newt bit back a comment, but a smile edged it's way onto his lips as he further the satiation of his stomach. Something in the back of his mind, felt a weird way about seeing the boy eat. It was a warm sensation, like he knew how badly he must have needed it- and how important it was for Thomas to be gorging on warm, fluffy bread.   
  
"I wonder who set this up," Newt said after a while, long finished with his meal but not wanting to distract Thomas.  
  
Thomas pushed a pile of napkins in the center of the table and stretched, a little more flush to his cheeks than before. It was nice, not that Newt was too invested in the color of his face. "Well," he said, leaning forward in his chair," God?" When Newt gave him an unamused look, he added," The Devil?"  
  
He leaned forward to whisper," Newt I don't think the devil would give us this much food."  
  
Newt snorted," I'm beginning to think we're in some sort of experiment. Like, one of those shows."  
  
"Don't you have to sign your rights off for that? It's basically kidnapping at this point," Thomas informed, and he grabbed a bottle of orange juice, popping open the lid to chug it's cold pulp. Newt stared forward in thought, only a little thrown off by the way his adam's apple moved, and the way it still had a bruise.  
  
"Well, we better get to working the rest out then," Newt said with more effort," my boyfriend will be mad I never showed."  
  
Thomas froze a bit, and tilted his head," Alby isn't your boyfriend."  
  
Newt dropped his fork and tossed his plate aside with a shaky breath," Okay," he stared at him in a demanding sort of way," How in the hell did you know his name?" He eyed him, trying to gauge how concerned he should be at this sudden realization. Thomas shouldn't know anything about him.  
  
"I've seen your pictures," Thomas only said, and he took another sip of his juice in attempt to avert away from the conversation.  
  
"Wh-" Newt bit his lip so hard that he could taste the iron. "What pictures?"  
  
Thomas pushed his chair back, shaking his head as he stood," Doesn't matter. You're right, we should definitely loo-"  
  
"What bloody pictures?!" Newt said, grabbing at his shirt in one swift movement as he followed to stand. He was shorter, but he certainly knew how to threaten someone with his eyes. Thomas found that he couldn't look away, and part of him felt too ashamed to.  
  
"I knew about you," Thomas finally said, and his voice echoed in the large room," Alby's my dealer. I-" He broke off to finally look away at the windows that adorned the dining room hall," I recognized you in the parking lot. He uh- Likes showing them off."  
  
A painful truth hit Newt so hard that he swayed back and hit the back of the table with a gasp. The pictures, the ones he'd taken for Alby alone- in the midst of their nights, when he had been far more vulnerable than he'd ever liked. No one had ever seen him bleeding and bare, not until Alby. He'd trusted him.  
  
_Why?  
  
_"I'm sorry," Thomas said, but it was too faraway right now. Newt could only stare down at his trembling fingers. Why was he here, with Thomas of all people? And why were his secrets being given away like a free show?  
  
He took in a deep breath, and his entire face hardened," We better go. I want to get home." He felt small, and there was absolutely nothing that could change how he felt in that moment. If he could just go home, see Gally- then maybe he could forget about everything else.  
  
"Go home?" A voice asked, and they both turned with shock to see a man, leaning up against the entrance of the room with a sadistic smirk.  
  


  



	5. Murder or Nah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably going to have alot of updates, because I basically just sit at my job now with nothing to do

_"You..." The voice was vile, toxic to anyone who wished to feel alive after breathing. It tangled it's thorns against the soft flesh of an open wound- and it took everything. Nothing, to an addict, could ever be had for long._ " _You are nothing but dirt,"_ _t_ _he voice hissed," A stupid, pathetic piece of shit."_

Thomas felt the flash of a repressed memory, and he stood beside Newt, only to step forward partially. It was a habit. Even as he tainted himself with the curse of his substances, he always took that step in front line, like an obeying soldier, nothing more. Maybe he thought, a part of him, could somehow be redeemed if he protected everyone in need. The man laughed at them, as if he could read his thoughts. With everything that happened, he wouldn't be surprised now.

"Who in the fuck are you?" Newt demanded, and it threw Thomas off. Moments before he had looked so young and desperate. He caught the dark look to the blonde's gaze before turning back to the stranger.

"Call me anything you wish," the man said, shrugging as he messed with something in his nails," If you two don't find your path, you'll be mine after all."

"What is this?" Newt said, more rage drenching his voice, but something else that Thomas had become accustomed to. Newt feared this man, as he should- they both stood there in a foreign place where reality and dreams mixed. Thomas wasn't even sure if anything was real anymore, or if it ever had been.

"This-" The man said, like a rat that fed off the dying force of vitality, each word taking something else from them," is a game. You see, you both have killed yourself long before you were ever shot. It seems someone wanted you to learn a lesson."

"You're not making any sense," Thomas said pointedly, and his hand brushed up against Newt's, but he only held his breath as he tried to make sense of the stranger's words and ignore the heat of his skin. It burnt, but so did everything else.

"Should I be clear?" The man asked, and he dug a small ziplock bag from his shirt pocket, dangling it along with an amused glint to his gaze. Newt could hear the pained sigh escape Thomas, and suddenly he was moving forward without him, his hand outstretched. Newt rushed forward and gripped his wrist, only for Thomas to pull back with a hiss.

"It's mine!" He growled.

"Thomas!" Newt said, and he really wasn't even sure why he cared enough to try to stop him," You don't need it! It's going to make getting home alot fucking harder. Look at him, he's baiting you! We don't even know who he is!"

"It's the best you'll ever get," The man said, pressing some powder along his gums with a soft sigh," Shit doesn't fall like this over on your side of town." Though, as he took the drug along his finger to take a quick sniff, his lips oozed with porous blood and it was enough that Thomas fell back as he stumbled to get away. His face, the skin like an elastic, fell off his cheekbones as he disintegrated into nothing but a shadow- and then, busted out the window, leaving a cascade of light and broken shards. The entire time, his being had laughed in a way that made everything so, so much more terrifying.

Gally, eventually after three hours of waiting with no information, had been offered a cup of coffee from Minho, who looked more than exhausted. He was surprised when it came into his view, and he took it with a deep sigh," Thanks," he said, and because he felt the horrible string of silence, added," Nothing yet?"

"No," Minho said as he took a seat beside him. The woman, Brenda he'd learned, had left to take care of the shop. Something about closing down and making sure it was locked up. He hadn't really been able to listen, not when his thoughts were ruined by the pictures of blood, and the weak breaths his friend had taken before being ushered here.

"I've been here twice in the last year, because of Thomas," he said suddenly. When Gally gave him a look, he added weakly," He overdosed, thought I'd lost him then."

"You're really close," Gally said without much emotion.

"Like brothers-" he replied, his fingers clenching against his own coffee. "He's a really good guy, you know? He just... Had a harder time than some of us."

Gally wasn't sure why it seemed so important for him to not judge the addict, but he shrugged and looked towards the doors again," I'm sure he is, but I know Newt. He wasn't the target."

Minho's face twisted with pain," You can't blame him. We don't know why this happened, but- it did. We just have to hope for the best, for both of them."

Gally stared forward," Yeah..." And then they sat in silence. He wasn't sure how long.

Time had passed in waves, but the sun still remained in it's place. Newt, after the initial shock of the entire ordeal, still stepped with hesitance when they reached the gardens that parted along a clear pool. The heat was horrid. He was already sweating enough that he had to push water to his face to ease the sudden spots in his vision. Thomas sat along the pool and filled his fingers in with a look that was too gone to be read. Newt struggled up and let out a groan," It's too damn hot. We'll never make it out unless we know where we're headed."

"What's the point?" Thomas asked, and he curled his body so he was hugging his knees. "I think... We're stuck."

"Well no shit, sherlock," Newt said irritably. He doused himself with water again and sat back," We have to try something. You saw him... I'd rather die out there than be a prisoner in this place."

"Newt, we're surrounded by a forest. You see that up there," he pointed towards the edge of the horizon where a mountain's tip caressed a cloud. "That's not civilization."

Newt grumbled to himself, but he knew Thomas was right. The heat was enough to leave them defenseless, and they'd only been out for minutes. If they traveled without the necessary items, they might really die, if they weren't already dead anyways. With a sigh of defeat, Newt twisted his legs over the pool and dropped in. The cold water flushed across his body and he came back up with relief. At least now he could think, and he moved along the edge to give Thomas an expectant look.

"Come on, you're going to pass out," Newt said.

"Good," He said," better than being sober right now."

Newt rolled his eyes and reached a hand towards him, one that kept it's space from Thomas," As much I don't like you, I can't do this alone. So get in the damn pool, Tommy."

"What did you just say?"

Newt couldn't believe the man before him. He would rather have his face melt off than listen for a single moment. He sighed inwardly and lifted himself a little to peer into his eyes," I said I don't like you."

"Then don't give me a nickname," Thomas said as he stood. Newt almost thought he'd turn to walk off, but seconds later he was being splashed by the water's impact with his body. Thomas came from under the short waves, his wet hair stuck to parts of his forehead. "Shit, that feels really good."

Thomas turned his head in attempt to move the stray hair, and Newt winced when cold water flicked his way," Hey! Come on, a little of that over there, you absolute retriever."

Thomas rolled his eyes, but there was something inherently playful in them. Newt pushed himself back along the pool and tried to ignore whatever it was he was feeling. Relaxation? At a time like this? It was down right stupid. But it... Was so damn tempting to just breathe for a moment.

"You don't like me cause of what I am," Thomas said suddenly. Newt, who had both arms on the edge of the pool, and was trying to picture an actual plan, stopped at this.

He snorted," No, I don't like you because you correct me over the stupidest things and state the obvious."

"Yeah?" Thomas asked, swimming his way a little," I don't like you either." He said it though, almost like a challenge. 

"Oh, and why is that?" 

Thomas smirked a little, and he pulled himself out of the pool, but his eyes remained on Newt," I just don't," he said, and he began walking back towards the hotel entrance. Newt rolled his eyes, but a shimmer of a smile was present on his lips. Everything that had happened... At least they had a few moments to pretend it was just a relaxing dip in the pool. Now it was time to plan, and that didn't include walking around with tight, wet jeans. Newt ignored the other male and pulled himself up," When I get back, Alby you are so fucking dead."

He was shivering by the time he got to the hotel room. Another horrible idea of this whole imprisonment, was leaving one room unlocked when there was countless more for privacy. It was like someone wanted them to be as close as they possibly could. Maybe that was their Hell.

He grabbed some fresh clothes from the closet, all the same boring grey- not that he was going on a fit about clothing. He wasn't _that_ bad. Newt undressed in the bathroom, not asking for it, but claiming it upon immediate entry of the room. He waited a few moments to enter again, noticing Thomas lying back along the bed. He was staring at the ceiling, playing with a ring on a chain of his neck. He wondered why he hadn't noticed it earlier.

"I think I know what to do," Newt said.

Thomas didn't stir from his spot," Go to the bar, if there is a bar-"

"Wow, you're just always on it, aren't you? Do you go a moment without thinking of being fucked up?" 

Thomas shrugged a little, no shame this time. He sat up and stretched a bit, eyeing the blonde with another thoughtful, very obvious look," We match."

Newt sighed, very deeply," I am trying to be nice to you. Can we please get to the part where we start planning?"

"This is you being nice?" Thomas raised a brow and slowly reached for something at his side," Just because you're pretty, doesn't mean you can use that accent and expect me to suddenly feel like a team."

Newt's jaw dropped at this, and he marched to stand in front of Thomas with a glare," I do not! I hardly have any say in my accent, have I? Don't call me pretty, we are-" he tried to calm himself, but he realized Thomas wasn't even paying attention" Are you texting?! We don't have any service!" He reached forward, practically hovering over him as he grabbed the phone to throw it back.

"Hey," Thomas said," That wasn't nice."

They were going to die. And it was going to be Thomas first, because Newt had already began to see red. How could anyone be this excruciatingly annoying and not even budge?

Thomas sat up, and Newt moved away from his space to glare" Okay, so if you're done yelling, I have a plan."


	6. Insight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone stop me from posting idk why I'm feeling the need lmao my bad

_Addiction doesn't just destroy the body. Everything you were, everything you could ever hope to be... It's stolen away by the kiss of a siren, the same being that holds you close while you find the closest vein to pump poison into your vessel_. _Thomas remembered. He remembered the way he sat leaned back against the wall, puke drenching his lips as his younger brother watched him. He'd tilt his head and say," Bubby, are you sick?"_

_And how he would burst into tears being asked by someone so innocent. He knew it was wrong to do it so close to him, but he was babysitting and the kid needed a bath - and he needed a release. He hid his drugs well, but still the kid knew too much._

_"You're super sick, Tommy."_

_Tommy._

_Thomas held back a painful gasp and nodded frantically as he pushed his hands into his face," Yes, I'm sick. I'm so sick."_

_He would always be a sick man, and the only release he would ever truly have had yet to come. How could he? When his four year old brother stared at him with concern, when he would later ask him to read a bed time story? Thomas would change his voice for each character, and his mother would come and watch him, smiling with such naivety for the monster she sheltered. For, addiction is not just a stealer of the body's strength. It takes your loved ones, and in their place a monster walks until you can no longer recognize their voice._

"Thomas, what was the plan?" Newt asked, for the third time with great frustration. He snapped his fingers and when Thomas looked at him, he'd realized he'd been day dreaming. It happened alot, when he didn't have any more in his system. It was like being asleep with his eyes open.

"Oh," Thomas blinked," I uh-" he stifled a groan and his face fell into his hands," Give me a moment."

Newt looked away," Brilliant," he said," We're never getting out of here." He moved to the drawer in attempt to search while Thomas did whatever he needed. He wasn't sure what was wrong, but he knew it had something to do with the drugs. He found a bottle of ibuprofen and poured three out into his palm," Here."

Thomas looked up with a tired sigh.

"Come on, it'll make you feel better," Newt said," I'd hardly want you with a migraine the entire time. You're annoying enough as is." Despite his words, he tried for something a little softer, because he couldn't even imagine just what the guy was going through. He looked... Well, like shit.

Thomas took the pills and swallowed it down before Newt could even move to get him water," Thanks."

"Well," Newt shrugged a little and looked at his head," You'll die with your hair like that. Have you a band? I can tie it for you, so the heat isn't on your neck. I figured we could gather supplies and go along the edge of the mountain-"

"Hm?" Thomas had finally sort of gotten back on track. "You want to hike? Towards the mountain?"

"I get it," Newt said, and he found it rather hard to be nice. He sighed and tried to be patient with him, considering the situation," You're probably going through alot of withdrawals, but... I mean, I understand some parts. It's not like I went to Alby because I had any other choice. Our drugs are just different, but I don't think that has to stop us... We can get home," he added the last part when Thomas looked at him.

Thomas raised a brow," You're comparing meth to cutting yourself during sex?"

Newt closed his eyes, because _ouch._

When he opened them, he realized Thomas hadn't meant to sound insulting. He genuinely seemed confused. He forced a smile," It was not for the sex. Sex was just-" he bit his lip and nodded with struggling patience," Might we gather supplies now?"

Thomas hunched over and staggered up with a sigh," I guess." He was tall, but Newt found it easy to catch his gaze. Already, in the few hours he'd actually known Thomas, he'd learned too much about him that Newt would ever be comfortable with sharing. It helped that Thomas must have felt the same, being in a vulnerable place as is. He watched as the man moved towards the mirror to pull his hair back," Can you just... Can you cut it for me?"

Newt blinked in surprise," You wish me to cut it?"

"Yeah," Thomas said a little awkwardly," It's better than having to deal with it in the heat."

"Right," Newt said with a nod," I just figured you'd not like my hands on you very much. I'm sure we can find scissors somewhere." He looked around a little uneasy when Thomas shrugged and began opening drawers.

It didn't take long, but they ended up sitting on the floor of the hotel kitchen where they had a laundry room attached and plenty of supplies in different housekeeping carts. He tried the pair out and deemed them worthy for cutting. Hair, that is. He wouldn't be doing anything rash now, at least in front of Thomas. As annoying as he was, there was something soft about the way he scrunched up his nose before Newt even began to cut the hair that went past his brows.

"May I touch you?" He asked," It'll be easier if I can."

Thomas clenched his hands to his knees and Newt watched as his shoulders stiffened," Yeah, okay." He took in a deep breath, and slowly- Newt pressed his hand to his shoulder, just as practice. He wondered what had happened, or if Thomas had always been against stranger's touches.

"Yeah, I'm less sensitive now. I was just really anxious because-" he let himself drop the sentence, because Newt already knew now.

"Right," Newt's lips pressed into a tight line before he started at the back. It must have been a while since he'd had a cut, but- it was surprisingly healthy despite the nest of waves on top. Thomas eventually loosened the tightness to his body, and Newt continued to work so he wouldn't later die of heat stroke. His own hair, could easily be pushed back with a bandana, that and he actually quite liked his own length. Thomas though, he had a feeling that the guy needed someone to take care of him right now. He couldn't explain it.

"Do you get urges?" Thomas asked out of no where. Newt snipped some from his bangs and frowned with a dead pan glare.

"That is possibly the worst time to ask me such a thing."

Thomas shrugged, and from this close, Newt could see that his eyes weren't just brown. They had a dark, distinct rim that shattered into a hidden green and yellow, and when he turned towards Newt, the light cascaded from the open window to something warm like honey. They were staring at him, and Newt could see his own reflection now. He wasn't sure why, but he was honest. "Yes," he said," it's like... I can't relax when I want it. It becomes-"

"An obsession?" Thomas finished, uncertain.

"And it never goes away, even when I'm doing it, in the back of my head I'm wondering when the next time will be. I just always want to be in that moment, when I've first done it."

Thomas bit his lip," I know what you mean."

Of course, he did. Newt took in a deep breath and continued to cut his hair, shaping his face and realizing just how flawless his skin was. He had freckles, another thing he hadn't noticed until now. Thomas, who hadn't looked away from Newt, whispered low," I still don't like you, but thanks for cutting my hair."

Newt bit back a chuckle," Dim wit, we've still yet to go hiking." And at this time, the sun was covering the gardens with an orange hue, but it kept high as a taunting figure. Newt only hoped it would go down eventually to give them some sort of break. He finished with the last parts of Thomas' hair and brushed off his shoulder," Well, you're welcome. Wash off, and I'll start packing. We leave in twenty."

They took the elevator to the highest floor, climbing the last set of stairs that led to the roof. Newt figured if they could get high enough, maybe they'd find something to move towards. It was better than hiking blind into nothing but forest. That, and there was no sign of anything helpful in the hotel.

He got to the door, looking once at Thomas and catching himself off guard when he silently admired his face. It looked different. He looked... Younger and maybe a little more healthy, if that even made any sense. It's funny what cutting a few strands of hair could do, or a meal at breakfast.

"What?" Thomas asked, scratching at his neck," it's locked. What do we do?"

Newt shrugged a little helplessly. And then he watched with full force as Thomas rammed into the door with his shoulder pointed. He hissed in pain as he fell back and gripped it," That was nothing like the movies!" He stumbled up and winced at the ache in his muscle, and Newt eyed him with a mixture of emotions. Amusement, was one of them.

"You alright?" He asked though, just to really be nice, because he was a sincere person. He bit back a laugh and wiggled the knob," Yep, you are very right. It's certainly locked."

"Shut up," Thomas said, but without much affliction.

Newt sighed and lowered down to his knees, pulling out a clip he'd used for his bangs. He ignored Thomas, who was watching him with a very close gaze for some reason as he slid it into the door lock and began to work with what he had. When he'd actually popped it free, he felt Thomas' breath on the back of his neck," How in the hell do you know how to do that?"

Too close. Thomas was way, way too close.

_He began to remember._

_Warm hands guided themselves along his arm, whispers against his skin," Look at you," Alby whispered. Newt half turned, only wearing a large t shirt of his as he finished licking his release from his lips._

_"You recorded me," Newt said, red flush against his cheeks as he looked down at the blood along his own wrist. It was pretty, but now he felt- open and more naked than he'd been when they'd started that night. Alby only smiled as he guided a finger to Newt's chin._

_"I like watching you. It's just like the pictures, they're mine alone," he said in a warm voice," I want to remember you like this..."_

_Newt frowned a little," Alby, I don't feel comf-"_

_"Don't you trust me?"_

_Newt's eyed had gone wide at that, and for a long moment he just stared. But then, Alby was pressing into his wound to circle blood against his fingers and Newt was crying out in a soft plead for more. The pretty river, he thought. "Y-yes," he rasped in a moan._

_Yes. I trust you, of course._

He awoke to Thomas gripping his shoulders, and he was still sitting on the floor with an absent look. He had never remembered so vividly, and he was beginning to think this place had more on his mind than his physical being. Thomas sighed in relief when he looked at him.

"I thought something happened," he said, and Newt wondered suddenly why he looked so worried. Like he even had the right. Newt reached out to touch the bruises on his neck, at least the ones that had been there this morning. He furrowed his brows when his fingers found nothing, and Thomas stiffened at the sudden contact.

"They're gone," Newt commented.

"Newt, don't scare me like that," Thomas said," I can't be left here alone, alright? I know I was being an ass, but I really don't want to be left."

_I really don't want to be left._

When Thomas had said those words, he saw someone else in his face. Newt, for a moment, saw a young boy curled in on himself in a room with flames. The ashes fell like a storm, and he sat there burning in his own mind, alone. Always alone.

Newt let out a gasp and dropped his hand, standing up from his place," Come on, we need to move." That, and he had to get away before he did something stupid, like hug the guy. He turned away to get rid of the desperate image and moved towards the roof.

Gally had fallen asleep, only to be shaken by a very calloused hand. He stirred and jumped, his eyes widening when he saw Newt's father. He was a muscular man, always the one to intimidate upon first appearance, but a friendly man nonetheless. His eyes now, were rimmed with exhaustion and Gally wondered how long he'd allowed him to sleep before making his presence known.

"Vince-"

"What happened?" He asked," What happened to Newt? Why were you two on that side of town?"

He swallowed hard and slowly sat up, trying to keep the act of exhaustion," Um... What? I mean- you know, passing?"

Vince gave him a dead eyed glare, the kind that stopped people in their tracks and lowered themselves to their knees because the only way they could possibly ever survive is by being completely obedient. The kind that screamed _No Mercy_. The kind-

"Gally, tell me." 

Well, Gally had really fucking tried, okay? 

"We were visiting his girlfriend! A weird meth head came up to us, and we let him have a few cigs. Next thing I know, I hear a shot and they're both just-" he gestured wildly, barely able to keep his composure," bleeding. Almost dead. I just- Newt wasn't doing anything wrong." 

"He has a girlfriend on this side of town?" The question caught Gally off guard, who fidgeted in his seat. He bit his lip and took in a deep breath, but it was far too hard to lie.

"I was helping rebuild," Brenda said suddenly, appearing with wide eyes and something hesitant Gally had definitely not noticed upon meeting her. "I'm part of a missions trip, we're trying to make the projects a better place... I told Newt he didn't have to come, but-" she bit back tears while Gally watched with a dropped jaw he had to force close.

Vince pulled back and nodded a little," I'm sorry, I had never heard of you before."

Brenda sat down beside him and took his hands, which was impressive within itself considering the guy was huge. Gally watched them, completely unnerved.

"Have hope, sir," She said, even adding a few more tears," He'll be okay."

Okay, yeah. Gally had a hard on for this chic.

When Newt stepped out, he saw nothing but trees surrounding the base of a thick mountain, curling like a tyrant around the edge of what may just be the world now. He felt... Small. Thomas followed suite and stood beside him, shaking his head as he followed the same thought. He kicked at a rock and turned to step up along the edge," This didn't help us at all."

"Please," Newt said, falling back against the cement ground," You don't have to tell me every damn time you see something obvious." He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, and Thomas turned to look at him. He didn't seem insulted by the sudden exclamation, just tired. He jumped off the ledge and moved to sit beside the blonde, his brows furrowing when he saw the flat end of scissors sticking from his sweats; though he didn't say anything. He already knew why.

Thomas was in a strange position. He felt clear headed, but also like he'd been up for an entire week, so he didn't know if trusting his own thoughts was more dangerous than going with what Newt said. After a bit, he slapped a hand over Newt's shoulder and squeezed.

"What in the hell are you doing?" Newt asked, pulling his head from his hands.

"I uh-" Thomas dropped his hand," I was trying to be comforting."

"Well stop. You know, you don't even make any bloody sense! One moment, it's don't touch me and the next you're lingering about practically to my hip and it's q-" Thomas threw a hand over Newt's mouth quickly, his eyes widening even as the blonde struggled.

"Shhhh," Thomas said," Look."

The sudden demand was enough for Newt to stop trying to pry himself away. Thomas dropped the hand and they both looked towards the mountain, where a single, bright light blinked in the distance along the clouds that lay low against half the distance of it's length. They both turned to eachother, and in that moment, they could finally agree on something.

"Time to climb that mountain," Thomas said.

"Once again," Newt said, but he was brushing himself off with a little bit of a grin," Stating the obvious."


	7. Issues? Yeah.

Newt had discovered approximately three more annoying things Thomas did. Like, really annoying. The kind of annoying that made you consider murder. For one, he whistled. They had gotten half a mile into the forest, littered with thick vines and pools of mud, only for Newt to trip and Thomas to catch him by the wrist. He'd muttered a grateful word or two, and it had been fine. But then, he heard the soft noise, mimicking a song he couldn't remember. Newt liked his silence, especially when he had to pay attention to possible snakes or the overall growth of dangerous plants.

And it really, really didn't help when Thomas started to hum after a bit. His voice was warm, and it made him feel as if he were somewhere else. He would find himself thinking about a time when things were simple, easy. But things weren't like that right now.

"Please," Newt pleaded," I can't think with all that."

Thomas turned with a questioning look, and then he realized and shrugged a little with a grin," Alright buddy." He adjusted his bag for a moment," Thought I'd make this whole trip a little less unnerving."

Newt raised a brow," Buddy?"

The second came to play when they'd taken a snack break. They had granola bars in their bags from the hotel kitchen, and he was eating away at his when Thomas took off his shirt and threw it across his neck. Just like that. Newt coughed a little on a peice as his gaze raked over his body. Thin, but with the same freckles that aligned his face. All he could mutter was a small," You'll be sunburn."

_Also, you're sort of pretty._

Thomas shrugged," It's hot."

Newt, with great hesitation, felt the end of the scissors in his pocket. He could imagine it now, how beautiful it would be to see the crimson flow. Thomas flicked his sight towards Newt's hands, and for a moment he thought he'd been caught. But Thomas only smiled at him, in the weird way he'd been doing since the beginning of the trip," You could take yours off too," he said.

Newt glared," Alright. Breaks over."

Newt could have dealt with a whistling man who didn't like clothes, but the third absolute gem- was his horrid need to ask questions. Difficult questions. They'd pop off out of no where, like "When did you first start doing it? I mean, cutting yourself?"

Newt would raise a brow and continue further a little slower," You do realize that if anyone else asked it would come off as horribly rude?"

Thomas turned a little with furrowed brows, parting a vine that dangled along two trees," What's it like when I ask then?"

"Annoying."

"I'm just trying to understand you," Thomas said, and then he'd get that bashful, stupid look that almost made Newt feel guilty. Their walk would continue into silence for no more than five minutes before Newt had grudged a small curse and pushed himself to walk alongside him.

"I don't have a hard on for cutting myself," Newt said, and Thomas seemed surprised he was bringing it up. "I like the blood, if you must know. I'm not-" he _really_ didn't feel comfortable speaking like this. Not even Alby had really sat down and tried to understand his reasoning. He'd always just enjoyed the show, maybe even teased him a bit. When he looked to Thomas though, there was something innocent, almost- despite the drug that had hold of his life, the things he must have done- Thomas felt... Different. He couldn't explain that either.

"So..." Thomas treaded carefully," You like blood? Just anyone's?"

Newt's jaw clenched, and he nearly tripped again over some rocks and found Thomas had already reached to grab him by the arm," Be careful," he said in a whisper, and Newt pulled away with a nervous chuckle.

"Yeah," he said, averting his gaze because _when the fuck did Thomas become so-_

"So, about the blood?" Thomas asked again.

_Blood. The anchor to those who have longed for a more sustainable force than the presence of their souls can provide.  
  
_ Newt swallowed something painful, and kept forward even as the elevation rose with each turn of thick mound, almost caressing the mountain they could not yet touch, let alone see this far in the forest. He pushed a hand to a tree and averted his gaze from Thomas, only to take a quick breath of rest. He hadn't voiced it, but his leg wasn't the best- and it had become a pain to continue with. Old injury, but Alby knew all about that.  
  
When Thomas stopped to make sure he was alright, he distracted any further questions by answering his first," I can't explain what it does, but it's just- I've never seen anyone else bleed for me, so I'm not sure if it's just mine that does it. I just... it makes me feel warm and safe-" and he hadn't realized how he was trailing off," And okay, maybe the vulnerability of such an act makes me feel open to sexual exploits, but I do not have a weird kink!"  
  
"Alby never bled for you?" That question hit Newt with full force, because he knew he'd tried. He'd asked, begged on his worst days, but Alby had insisted Newt could only be the one to bleed for himself. It probably wouldn't work the other way. Why did Thomas know all the right questions to ask to make him feel so naked?  
  
"Why did you start using drugs?" Newt asked, moreso to change the subject, but he had his own curiosities. He half figured Thomas would come up with some shitty remark and ignore it altogether, so he was surprised when the male spoke directly, and with great seriousness.   
  
"I thought Alby was my friend," Thomas said, and there was something so heart breaking about the way he stared forward. His eyes, they were no longer dull as they'd been when they'd first met. He wasn't ready for those emotions, not from this stranger, or however you'd call the two now. "My dad threatened to leave when my mom got sick, and he uh-"  
  
"You can tell me," Newt said, in a way that had been more gentle than his earlier interactions.   
  
Thomas stopped for a moment, breathing a little rough, and Newt couldn't tell if it was from the miles they'd traveled or the memories that clung to him. "I had a hard time, and I took the first out I could. He supplied me, and I sold what I could for him. I don't blame him-"  
  
Newt knew though. Of course, he did. Alby was so seductive in his ways, that he could get anyone to do anything. He made poison sound like a cure, and he reaped in the benefits.  
  
"I was stupid and sixteen. I didn't know what I was getting into. I should have said no."  
  
"You were just a kid," Newt said with a harsh breath. They were all just... kids. When had they grown up? Did a span of years truly make any difference in the way the world viewed it's victims? Newt couldn't ever say his addiction was any less harsh, not when he lived and breathed it. He couldn't look down on Thomas, for what was the true difference? They both marched in the world like empty soldiers in hopes of the taste of new vitality.  
  
Newt felt a sudden pang in his chest, like a shock that embedded deep into his being and made his entire body crumple along a tree. The memories- He felt Thomas grab his hand and suddenly the world began to feel light. The brightness of death, perhaps.  
  
  
Gally had only moments to talk to Brenda when Vince left to try to get information from a nurse. He eyed her with a speculative gaze and laughed a little. How could he even laugh right now? "Why did you lie for him?" She didn't even know them.  
  
Brenda stayed in her seat and pushed hair back behind her ear," I could read the room. You were obviously struggling... and I don't know why you two were on that side of town, but I know what it's like to see a dad disappointed." Gally wondered suddenly, if she meant her own, but he wouldn't push it. She'd basically saved Newt from Hell when he came out of surgery. Newt, his best friend, his brother... He had been the only one who ever really gave Gally a chance. Every one else in his life had either vanished or disowned him completely. He was the spoiled, rich kid to many others- but to Newt, he was real, breathing, worthy.  
  
He didn't have long to think, because a down pour of doctors rushed forward into the emergency room, and his eyes widened when his group all stood with a shared look of horror. Minho rushed to Brenda and grasped her into a tight hug," I heard them. I heard them, they said something about a gun shot wound. It-" he trembled, and Brenda wound her fingers through his hair and looked past his shoulder to Gally.  
  
 _No. Newt was still alive. He had to be._  
  
He wiped away at tears and broke down in a sob. The doctors were working, and they were going to keep going until he saw his friend again. With a sharp gasp, he realized suddenly he would gladly wish Thomas death if it kept Newt alive.  
  
  
_  
It was cold. Unlike the memories they had surpassed before, they were not alone in them. Connected in a way that knew no bounds, spirit by spirit, the flashing lights corroded into the darkness of a room Thomas remembered. He struggled up, and Newt could see everything, even if his hands felt nothing but the absence of a world yet to stand.  
  
"You piece of shit!" A voice yelled, and Newt blinked. Thomas was thrown back against the wall by a man much larger than himself. Newt cried out to him, but it was as if he was frozen in the memory, a prisoner to be part of what had already been. He could only watch in horror as the man grasped Thomas by the neck, his entire face turning a pale and blue color before he was released onto the creaking woods of the attic, Thomas' room.  
  
"Tommy," Newt pleaded, and he wasn't sure what he was trying to do. What could he do? He was nothing but a conscience in a horrid, cold place. He could feel everything. The terror, the guilt, the desperation filling Thomas, as he tried to scoot away from a sudden kick to his stomach.  
  
"You brought that shit into my home?" The man yelled, and Thomas whined as he threw his head back.  
  
"Dad! P-Please, I'm sorry," he gasped, his fingers trembling. Tears evaded him, and Newt felt something break inside of him. Thomas looked so... young. Defenseless. "I tried to stop. I swear-" he sobbed onto the floor, and everything grew so much more gray for Newt. He wanted to leave. He wanted to bring the young Thomas away, somewhere safe.  
  
Thomas lifted his head and peered past them both, and the man spat into his face and whispered words that tore at Newt's chest. "My kid died the moment you tried that shit. Get out of my fucking house."  
  
Get out. But Thomas hadn't been the one to leave after all. He remembered, as the memory vanished, how his mother had fought, and he remembered his father slamming the door on the way out.  
  
  
  
_Newt opened his eyes and grasped the first thing he could find to try to steady himself, only to find he was already toppled in Thomas' lap, his fingers clenched against his shoulder as he let out a cough. It felt as though, he'd been drowning all over again, only to be freed by the ice that crept along the water's border. He was cold. Why in the hell was he so-  
  
"Newt," Thomas pushed a hand over his cheek with wide eyes," Are you okay?"  
  
Why was he asking him? What Newt had just seen... He trembled and fell back against the tree at their side, his fingers slipping along Thomas' chest that rose with it's heavy breaths. They were closer than Newt would have liked, but for the life of him he couldn't pull away. "I saw-" Newt said in a whisper," Thomas, I'm so sorry."  
  
Thomas shook his head and pushed his hand through Newt's hair, as if the touch brought him somewhere safe, somewhere he could breathe. Newt looked into his eyes and noticed, the way something reflected in the soft colors- like an array of crystals, and when he turned to view the world, he realized why it had seemed so much cooler. The sun was frozen in the sky, crystallized by a thick, pulsing orb of blue. It caressed the sky with vivid lights of lilac veins, and thunder rolled out to enchant the forest with it's sudden breeze.  
  
Thomas struggled up halfway," Come on, we need to get somewhere safe, just in case this storm gets any worse." There was a sudden strength to the way he spoke, and Newt took the hand he offered and watched as the man put his shirt back on quickly to shield himself from any further temperature drop. Newt wasn't sure how to feel, so he grabbed his bag and let Thomas lead the way.  
  
  



	8. Show me how you get high

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I put some warnings in tags and first chapter but just a reminder! Blood, self harm, and overall darker themes when it comes to addiction. Please be safe! Hope y'all enjoy the chapter :)

There was no rain, just the horrid drop of an acidic wind. It burnt, every time the breeze caught up, Newt would cough into his hand and struggle to keep standing. The third time, he pushed his hand to the bark, only to realize the trees were bleeding. He stared in horror, wondering when he'd been wounded only to see that all the trees leaked their essence as another wave of thunder approached, and lightning tore up the sky with a vicious call. Something horrible twisted in his chest, and Thomas held onto his bag to keep him up," Hey, we're close, alright? There's a cave right there. Just keep moving."

Newt managed a small nod, but everything felt so wrong. Every step weakened him, and halfway to the surpass of looming branches, he had to sit down on a rock to catch his breath. What the hell was happening? Why couldn't he breathe? The wind chipped it's claws against their cheeks, and he could feel the ice coarse throughout him like an infection. Thomas didn't look any better. His cheeks and nose were red, and he knew he must be just as cold, but he lowered to Newt, unwilling to leave him for the shelter up ahead.

He put a shaking hand to his chest and Thomas curled his fingers against his shoulders," Newt, please. We have to keep going."

Of course. They were so close. He tried to reason with himself, but his body felt as if it may recede to the floor of this plane and become apart of it. There was no strength that would allow him to walk the feet ahead, even as he struggled up and told himself that it had to be done. If he wanted to live, he had to get to warmth.

_If only he could rest his eyes_.

  
Newt was dying. Gally had heard enough, the few words quickly ushered to Vince, who stumbled back into a chair with his hands through his hair. There had been a complication. What kind? Gally couldn't even register the first few words, because this wasn't good. Newt was supposed to be resting by now. He didn't even know how long he'd been in surgery, but it had been long enough that the sun had lowered and the waiting room had touched more than one family.

At least Thomas looked okay. He wanted to laugh with a cruelty towards whatever god existed. Him? They were going to let him survive, when Newt was so much better? When Brenda offered him a soft smile and Minho even brought over coffee, he grabbed his pack of cigarettes and pushed through the hospital doors. This was bullshit.

He lit a cigeratte with hands that would not still, and when he took the first hit he stared at the moon that rose to shine light on the empty roads. "Newt-" he said, trying to stop himself from breaking down all over again. "Just be okay, please-"

  
"Newt!" Thomas cried out when the blonde toppled to the ground, his entire body as pale as the clouds that surfaced and dressed the lightning with a horrid shadow. He tried to wake him up, but he wouldn't budge from whatever slumber took him. He didn't think twice. Thomas grabbed Newt's bag and hung it over his own before reaching down to scoop him into his arms, an endeavor in itself when the wind pushed back almost ten times the power it had started with. He struggled to a standing position and held Newt close to his chest, and with each step- he could feel the sudden drops of water begin to fall.

_Newt remembered the first time he'd ever tried coffee. It was warm, but absolutely bitter. He'd coughed like a mad man as Gally laughed out loud and threw an arm over his shoulders. "Come on dude, it's supposed to help." Help? He felt as if he'd just gotten dirt and boiled it. He rubbed his tongue off with his finger, which only had Gally laughing harder._

_"You're never getting over your cold."_

_"Tea would have been just fine," Newt informed, tossing the rest of the liquid into the nearby sink. He grabbed hold of his blanket and ran it around his shoulders a bit tighter," I feel quite horrible now. Thanks."_

_Gally rolled his eyes and elbowed him gently," Sit by the TV, I'll turn the heat up. I don't want you dying before the game." Right, the game. This was why he was away from the comforts of his bed, for a ludicrous game of baseball he didn't much care for. But, he also knew Gally didn't have anyone else to watch it with; so maybe he'd lied about his enthusiasm for sports in general. What else were friends for?_

_And... It did get warmer. Even with his headache, it felt nice to cuddle up in blankets on Gally's couch to eventually a proper cup of brewed green tea. Gally even whispered his words, well when he remembered. He couldn't help it when whoever their name was made a home run, then it was suddenly the most important thing to be as loud as possible. But, Newt was warm, and he liked seeing his best friend with a smile. It wasn't often he could do much for anyone, so he'd stay wrapped up- and eventually he'd find himself cheering the same team._

_Warmth._

Thomas had gathered whatever strength he had left and made his way into the cave. It wasn't really a cave. Part of the thick ground that carried its way to the base of higher hills had a turned path, a large rock wedged between either side to allow for enough shelter. He settled them in to the side, where the rain couldn't reach them with the angle, and eventually he found a spot low enough that the wind had ceased enough to start a small fire. He had to get Newt's temperature up.

Thomas grabbed his bag and pulled out a sheet from the hotel. It was supposed to be for rest if they'd needed to sleep during the journey, but now it was all they had for warmth. He'd like to have a duvet, but carrying it around would have been near impossible with it's weight and the heat that had once been. God, he never thought he'd miss the damn sun.

Thomas curled the sheet around Newt's body and hesitated a moment. He wasn't an idiot. He knew what body temperature did. It just... He closed his eyes for a second alone and then immediately got under the sheet and pulled Newt into his chest beside the fire. He ran a hand under his shirt and rubbed gently to create some friction, anything that would keep them going. When it came too much, he lifted the cover over his head and nestled even closer to Newt, his back pressed against the hard rising of his own chest. His heart was beating quick, and his fingers could feel the thin frame of Newt's chest as he kept trying to think of anything that would make this easier. At least the guy was still breathing. That's all that mattered now.

"Fuck," Thomas said. He pushed his face into the nape of Newt's neck and breathed hot along his skin with a heavy sigh. He didn't want to be alone. That should scare him, since all he'd ever been for the past few years was alone. Isolated. He could live without being touched by any one, not a single smile was needed to fill him- and yet here he was, absolutely desperate for Newt to wake up and insult him. 

_Anything_.

Maybe this was why they were here, he wondered. They'd both been tired of living the way they had, brought together for some reason higher than they could understand. Thomas didn't care at this point. He just knew, even with the little time that had passed, that Newt was his friend. And he didn't want to lose him.

  
Brenda kept her legs close to her chest and sighed in relief. Thomas was okay, they said. He was recovering. The surgery had went fine and he was just out for the moment, but they'd be able to see him soon. Minho and her held hands, almost as if he was sharing her strength to continue waiting for however long it would take. They'd known eachother since highschool, the three of them. Before, when it had been easier, Thomas was the one she'd go to when things felt gray and dull. He was the light, the guy who could always make her smile.

Now she couldn't remember the last time he ever had. It hurt alot. It hurt every time she saw him coming off a high, and she knew he'd tried to fight it, but when they'd both found out it had been too late into his addiction. He'd just... Disappeared. It was no longer the Thomas she knew, but part of her hoped he would come back some day.

"I feel bad," Minho said, eyeing Gally from the corner. He'd refused to speak to anyone else. "If it were Thomas... I don't think I'd be able to stand not knowing if he'd make it."

"Yeah," Brenda agreed, looking down at their hands with a deep breath. They had always been a family, even if Thomas didn't believe they still were.

Thomas had lied and hurt them, more than she could count. He'd taken money, refused to show up to shifts or appointments that could help him.... But he never stopped being family. She closed her eyes and felt the tears emerge again, but at least this time she knew he would be okay. For now, anyways. The rest she could deal with if he would just open his eyes and speak to them.

  
Newt groaned in his sleep, whispering words, names, places that disappeared when he found himself consumed by a warmth that didn't suffocate. How long had he been out? He sat up a little and realized he was nestled in between the bags and the sheets from the hotel, stirring enough that Thomas, who'd been tending to the fire, heard the movement and startled.

"Newt!" Thomas rushed to his side, a flickering light casting a shadow halfway along the edge that provided them cover. The storm had raged for two hours, maybe three- but eventually the ice swallowing the sun had rained down like an avalanche, only to melt along the ground in the most beautiful way. Thomas had watched it close to Newt, still holding him with the desperate pleas. He'd only just moved to restart the fire in case the storm came back suddenly, and Newt had awoken with such a confused look that Thomas couldn't help but smile with affection. "You scared the shit out of me! How do you feel? Hungry? I have fruit, or uh, anything in my bag. You can have anything you want."

Newt furrowed his brows," Why are you so chipper?" He couldn't remember ever going to sleep, but he assumed it was the exhaustion of the walk. He rubbed his hands together and stifled a yawn," Did you get any sleep?"

Thomas bit his lip," No, but I'm okay. I figured we'd rest a little and continue the walk, but only when you feel ready."

Newt had certainly missed something. He knew Thomas didn't have any drugs on him, so he was really trying to rack his brain for why the guy looked- happy? Relieved, even. He pushed the sheets back and stretched," Uh, I had the longest dream."

"I bet," Thomas said, moving to sit beside him, enough that their knees brushed up against eachother. Newt frowned and pulled himself up to take a look at the forest. There was snow. Not much, but a few patches had thin layers even as the sun rose to its highest place. It wasn't cold either, not like it had been. He wrapped his arms around himself and furrowed his brows.

"I passed out," Newt said," What happened to the storm?"

Thomas pursed his lips and began throwing wood into the fire with tense shoulders," You went out cold, and I tried my best to make sure you were warm. Lasted a few hours and it just- stopped, I guess. I'm not sure."

Newt raised a brow," You made sure I was warm?"  
  
"Yeah," Thomas said with a shrug, suddenly very interested in the fire. Newt grabbed a rock and played with it between his fingers, plopping down beside him. Thomas didn't bother looking his way though, and he pursed his lips like he was trying to determine if the sticks were ordered decently enough to keep the heat rolling.

Newt shrugged a little uncomfortably when he noticed a new wound on Thomas' hand. It was a single cut, closed enough but with dried blood etched into his palm. He felt heat rise in his cheeks when he forced himself to look away," Well, thanks I guess. I know you didn't have too. You could have just left me."

"Yeah," Thomas repeated, clearly distracted now. Newt wasn't sure what happened, but he turned over Thomas' hand and stared at the cut without saying anything. The pretty eyed male before him turned a dark red, and Newt could hear the sharp breath with the words that followed," I was gathering wood and caught my hand on something."

Newt smoothed his thumb along the cut and his eyes glazed over. It was so wrong. Thomas had just protected him against freezing to death, and here he was wanting to see what it would be like for the cut to reopen. What the hell was wrong with him? He was disgusting, if anything. He had so many thoughts against himself in that moment, that he didn't realize Thomas had brought the scissors from the ground where'd they fallen out until the blade was lying against his wrist.

"Tommy, no," Newt said, desperately and completely uncertain. There was so many things wrong about this. He knew.  
  
Thomas though, held his gaze with an intensity that surprised him. "It's an experiment," he whispered," So you know if it's just your blood that makes you feel like that."

Newt froze, because as much as he wanted to see for himself; Thomas was feeding into something he shouldn't have ever allowed to become so controlling. It would be, in a sense, if he offered him drugs from his hands. Maybe not as dangerous, but it certainly felt so.

Thomas kept his eyes on him, and again, he felt so horribly naked that his fingers trembled against the rock in his hand. He didn't even have to say anything else for Newt to press forward whilst biting his lip," Only a small cut. Don't hurt yourself." He didn't miss the small smirk on Thomas' lips at the words, but he was soon distracted when the edge of his instrument sliced open a small part of his skin.

"Ah," Thomas made a soft noise, and Newt watched with a locked gaze as the skin parted, small bubbles of light red. Newt's breathing slowed, and with very careful fingers he pressed his thumb down the slit and watched the liquid turn dark. Oh God, he thought. Thomas hadn't taken his gaze off Newt, seemingly waiting for something more. There was something so intimate about this, more than he had ever experienced with his own blood. This was special, he thought, even if he didn't understand it.

"Don't be afraid, Newt," Thomas said in a whisper," Treat it like your own. Show me how you get high."

_Show me how you get high._

They were words so seductive within themselves, that Newt couldn't help himself. He no longer had any strength too. He raised Thomas' wrist in his hand and pressed a long, deep kiss to the river that stained his lips. Thomas' jaw dropped in surprise, but he didn't dare move when Newt went to work. He watched as the blonde smeared the blood against his pale skin with wonder, and let out a gasp of his own when he pressed his tongue down, tasting what remained even if it wasn't much. Not like the photos he'd seen anyways.  
  
Newt licked what was left on his lips and the part along his fingers dropped back to stain Thomas' skin further. He was breathing the way Thomas had when he'd get that first rush, like when his body no longer connected with reality and for a moment, even if for only a moment, he could fly. It was beautiful, and it was heart breaking. Thomas' lips parted as Newt pulled back and threw his head against the hill, trying to catch his breath as the endorphines rushed forward to hold him. He never wanted to be let go. Not again.

Thomas was silent for a long time before he could even muster words in a careful whisper " How was it?" He asked. 

Newt looked to him with a half lidded gaze," I feel like I could kiss you." He knew it was a joke, but the words had Thomas shifting forward to peer at him, and if he had any courage he might have closed the gap. He'd gotten high off watching Newt. It had been so... strange, yet it enticed him in ways he wanted to explore more of. 

Newt had definitely been a surprise, indeed. He couldn't tell if this was a bad thing or not, at least not yet. Thomas eventually moved to sit beside him, and they both stared off into space, for a while it seemed. Thomas didn't mind. What were they really rushing forward to anyways? He didn't mind staying a while, especially when he could steal glances from the corner of his eyes, to watch the way Newt's shirt opened to reveal his collarbones, and the way his lips were swollen from the sudden heat. He looked like a painting, the one men drooled over and fancied a lover in disguise from a different life. Thomas hadn't noticed it before, but Newt was kind of beautiful. Maybe being sober had it's benefits, after all.

"What?" Newt asked in a whisper, humor evident in the curl of his lips.

"Now I know why he liked to take pictures." And as soon as the words left Thomas' lips, he knew in some form or another, he had fucked up. He half hoped Newt would laugh it off, but the blonde sat up and glared at him.

"I am not for anyone's amusement," Newt said, and he stood up, half limping to grasp the rock. He turned away to look at the forest with a sick feeling," What did you think? I'd get all fucked in the head and give you something? Is that what this is?"

"N-No," Thomas stammered," I was trying to help you."

"Help me?" Newt asked, his eyes widening," You can't even help yourself! It makes sense, why you were suddenly being so nice. Just waiting for a moment to come in-"

"Newt, I spoke out of turn," Thomas said, raising his hands in a defensive matter. He didn't want him to leave, not because of something he thought he might be after. "I swear to God, I didn't mean anything like that."

Newt looked at him, and suddenly it felt as everything they'd just been through meant nothing. He was a stranger again, and Thomas hated it. "Come on, if I wanted to do anything I wouldn't have- I cut myself, for you. I seriously thought I was doing you a favor."

Apparently this was also the wrong thing to say. He had a habit.

"Me? A favor? You are so bloody full of yourself," Newt sounded quite disgusted as he grabbed his bag and hurled it over his shoulder. Thomas just stood there, quite helplessly.

"Let's go," Newt said with impatience. "I'd like to be home soon, and any longer I may actually lose my damn mind." Newt didn't wait for him either. As soon as he had his bag in place, he was walking steadily towards the opening of the hill, climbing up rocks to the higher planes. 

Thomas had only a moment to curse himself and let out a very deep breath," Way to go Thomas, you find a guy you like and ruin it immediately." He stared forward without much enthusiasm, before realizing he might actually be left if he didn't follow. He grabbed his bag and stuffed the sheets in, wondering if he stayed silent, if he'd still end up being murdered by a pair of scissors.  



	9. Lucid Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this chapter has errors, blame my cat. He refused to get off my arm so I wrote half of this one handed lol I wasn't about to wake him up.

"Still not talking to me?" Thomas asked, and the only reply he received was the finger thrown back as Newt continued to walk in front of him. _Fine_ , Thomas thought, _but we're definitely still kind of friends_. He pushed his hands into his pocket and stepped over a pebbled path, curved by nature as rocks cascaded over the land. Upon nearly stumbling, he took a hand out and rest it against the base of the mountain with a low whistle. "Can we at least take a break? That's... Going to be a rough path up there."

They'd been walking for a good few hours, and the last break they'd taken consisted of Newt finishing off another protein bar as he was walking away. He really knew how to hold a grudge, but even then... He'd stopped Thomas from stepping on a snake earlier, so he thought there might be a shimmer of hope for the future. When he took out an apple and raised it a little, Newt turned and sent him a glare," Ten minutes, and then we climb the damn mountain."

"Perfect," Thomas said, and he bit into the apple a little awkwardly.

Newt took a seat on a rock, searching his bag for some food. He came back with a pear and met Thomas' gaze head on, unashamed and more than fierce. Newt could be kind of intimating, especially now that Thomas was beginning to find himself attracted to him. Not that he wasn't before, now it was just a little different.

"So..." Thomas said, popping his lips as he tried to find the words to cover the horrible silence.

"If I say I forgive you for the absolute shit way you have with words, will you please stop staring at me?" Newt asked, and he dropped his hand with the pear to rest in his lap. 

_So_ , Thomas thought, _he knows I've been staring._

"I mean," Thomas shrugged a little," Less than I have been."

And Newt might have actually slapped him then, but he seemed too tired to really move. The blonde raised his head, and something in Thomas' face must have appeared innocent enough; because he chuckled shortly as a hand came to his face. "I have never met anyone who can push my buttons as much as you have, Tommy. I don't know wether to laugh or throw you off a cliff."

Thomas took this as an act of forgiveness and moved to sit beside him on the rock, nudging him with a little grin," Well, since we're about to climb a mountain, I really hope you just laugh. You can even slap me if you want. I have a very slappable face."

Newt snorted," You're incredibly daft at times."

"And others?"

The question, joking as it was, still seemed to take Newt off guard. And then he was looking at him, with those big, pretty eyes and his full lashes. Thomas' swallowed hard as he grew uncomfortable. Why in the hell had he suddenly become so affected by what Newt thought?

"And other times... I don't know about you. You're just-" Newt failed for words and Thomas leaned forward without thinking.

"I'm what?"

Newt took in a deep breath," Just not what I was expecting." 

_Just not what I was expecting from an addict._

Thomas finished the thought for him and pulled back a little. He wasn't upset about reality. As much as he liked to run from it, he knew things were different than the whispered words of a high he grasped. He knew that being wherever they were, a small portion of his old self was free, but what would that mean when he got back home? When the withdrawal was enough to bend his fingers to it's will, until he stole to feed his wretched soul of it's demise?

"You're an alright guy, Thomas. Annoying," Newt chuckled a little," but you're alright."

Thomas didn't have the heart to tell him that it wouldn't last long. When they returned, he already knew Newt wouldn't stay. So he would enjoy what they had now. Being lost even, was better than being found in a world that had long forgotten his name.

"You're alright too Newt."

Thomas, who let emotion lead him, took Newt's hand on the rock. It was a simple touch, one that was supposed to be assuring maybe- but Newt jolted in shock as the world faded and they were thrown into another whirlwind of memories.

_Newt gripped the edge of the hospital building with a broken sigh, his gaze calculating the fall that would spread his blood to those of the innocent, the ones who couldn't ever truly understand the importance to its texture, it's being. He could feel his heart race, in the kind of way that spoke of the dissociation to come._

_He was so tired. Every day, waking up in a world that denied his existence-_

_What was left, but to bleed? He was nothing. His family couldn't stand the sight of him, not after he'd been caught with a man. Not after he'd quit college, not after he'd move into the city... Everything he'd done had separated him from those who cared._

_He was nothing. Absolutely nothing, but a body withered by constant, suffocating pain._

_"Newt-" The voice caught him off guard, because this was a memory he was bound by, and none of the others had allowed such discrepancies. He twisted his head and nearly fell back when he saw Thomas holding a hand out. Thomas, he wasn't supposed to be here. Not now._

_"Why are we here?" Newt asked, broken and small, even if he'd learned how to live years ago. He still felt it, all his past anguish, as if it had never really left. It would make sense, why he still felt the need to cling to something so wrong. It had been Gally who'd helped him from the brink, not him. Why in the hell did nothing make sense?_

_"Newt, what are you doing over there?" Thomas said in a hesitant whisper, his hand reaching out even if he was too far to touch._

_Newt, was bound by the past, his body moving forward and his eyes analyzing the street where a taxi pulled up to the hospital. His stare was a mixture of the Newt that wanted more than anything to live, and then the one that had yet to realize there was a reason. He gasped," Tommy, it won't let me leave. I think I'm going to jump. J-Just stay back."_

_Thomas' looked horrified, scared even- but Newt was the one who was going to jump. He turned halfway and hissed when his body refused to pull back. "Shit-"_

_"It's okay- you didn't jump last time, right? It's just a memory," Thomas said, his hand still raised as if waiting to lunge for him. Newt doubt he'd ever make it if he tried, though he watched as the man before him slowly took a step forward._

_"It doesn't feel like one!" Newt said, nearly tripping as half his foot hovered over- the sudden screaming traffic blotting out pieces of reality. Thomas moved closer, and Newt threw his hand out to stop him. He was only a few feet away._

_"Hey," Thomas didn't break his gaze, in fear one moment may lead to Newt's death. If any of this world was real... He might not ever see Newt again. "Look at me," Thomas said, his voice clear despite the horrible pounding in his chest. He felt as if he were close to losing something he'd just began to realize he had. "Look at me Newt. Please!"_

_Newt lifted his head to peer into his eyes, his chest heaving with his ragged breaths," I don't want to die, Tommy."_

_"You won't," he said, stepping even closer. He could feel the distance like a hot iron pressed against his chest. "I'm not leaving you. Just take my hand..." He spoke with such gentle words, that Newt had the time to look surprised before he tried to pull his leg back onto the roof floor, away from the ledge._

_A harsh breeze whipped past them, and more than a hundred newspapers emanated to whirl around them like the same storm that had pushed the strength from their bones. Thomas didn't have to read the headlines that flew past to know it shared secrets beyond his ability to keep. It felt like the beginning to an end. Thomas didn't want whatever this was to end. He pushed himself forward just as Newt reached out and felt his body slam up against his chest. Newt's hands held onto the back of Thomas' neck with harsh breaths, and the storm that enveloped into a thunderous roar ignited like fireworks._

_Cold._

_Newt was so, so cold. He clung to Thomas desperately as the world grew darker, the eye of the storm was anything but peaceful for them. He could feel Thomas' hands against his waist, and his lips just against his ear to whisper things he couldn't hear until the last moment of clarity. "I won't leave you," Thomas had said._

Minho rested his chin against his fist and waited. Brenda kept rubbing his shoulders, though he assumed it was more for her to calm herself than to help him. Not that he was complaining. He needed a distraction so bad that he'd actually started to watch what was on the shitty hospital television. He stretched after a while and threw his head back into the chair with a sigh," What's taking him so long?"

Brenda offered him a small smile," Hey," she squeezed his shoulder," Just remember that he's okay."

"Yeah physically," Minho said after a while, eyeing their friend that slept. He looked so peaceful like this, that it was almost hard to picture him ever growing angry, not like the Thomas he'd known the following years. "You know..." Minho cleared his throat," You know what he's going to do when he wakes up, right?"

They both shared the same sad look, but Brenda was the one to voice it," He'll go looking for it."

Of course he would, she thought. It was the only thing that mattered to him anymore, and she doubt it would change just because he'd gotten shot. As much as she wanted to intervene and change things for him, he wouldn't ever stay if she tried. At least he was here still, in town. They could make sure he was fed, and that was about all they could do. Even then, rarely when he was using.

"Ne-" Thomas stirred, and Minho jumped out off his chair and it hit the floor with a clank. They both watched with wide eyes of anticipation, as their friend blinked past the bright lights of the room, using a hand to shield himself when it became too unbearable. He winced first, because even medicated, the gun shot wound felt like he'd been seared open and left to air dry. Minho put a hand to his arm, pulling back the covers enough that they could see where the hospital gown was pulled down to the bandages along his chest and shoulder.

He'd been lucky, the doctors had said, it had hit more muscle than anything- though dangerously close to the subclavian artery. What had really made it dangerous was the way he fell, the side of his head bandaged up after getting stitched. He'd bled out a bit, but Thomas had always been stubborn. He wasn't going to die now, not from this.

"Where's Newt?" Thomas asked, and it took him five seconds before he was trying to sit up abruptly, only to cry out and have Minho push him back down.

"Shit! Thomas, you just got out of surgery, you need to relax," Brenda said, and she crossed her arms with a defiant look," We're not letting you go this time."

Thomas exhaled roughly, turning his head a little to examine the IV in his arm. He closed his eyes and tried to get away from the bright light, whispering his next words," I just want to see Newt. We need to talk."

Did it matter that he couldn't feel his right arm? Move it? Or the horrid, shocking pain in his head- the pressure between his chest?

It would after he made sure his friend was okay.

"It's not your fault Newt got hurt too," Brenda said, and she took a seat beside the bed with a soft, teary eyed gaze," Don't feel guilty now. Just get better. We'll figure everything else out when it happens."

"No," Thomas said, and they both seemed hesitant. He knew what they must have thought. Good, old Thomas, the guy who could barely be in the same room as people who loved him for more than three minutes without needing a bump. He felt disgusted with himself. "I just... I know this doesn't make any sense, but Newt needs me. We need to talk."

Brenda and Minho shared another look.

"Come on," Thomas said with frustration," He doesn't even use. He's just-" he dropped his head with a deep sigh and stared forward at the ceiling. "I will sign up for rehab, go to those shit meetings you want, anything- just help me see him."

Brenda looked more than heartbroken, but Thomas had assumed she would be happy. Wasn't this what this had always been about? They were always throwing pamphlets at him, staging two interventions, following him to the abandos- they should be relieved, he thought. Minho threw himself into the chair beside Brenda, running his hands through his hair," We're not against you seeing him... He just hasn't woken up." Minho didn't add, if he wakes up; Though Thomas caught on too quickly.

"He's okay, right?" Thomas looked between them with a harsh cough. They lifted themselves as if to help, but he finished regaining his composure and fought through the pain from rocking his body," He was in there. When I was out, we were together."

"That's what this is?" Brenda wiped at tears she'd spilled when he'd awoken and leaned forward with a very concerned look, grasping his hand. He couldn't feel it. He didn't even care, he just really needed to make sure Newt made it out. "Thomas, you were high when you were shot, and then they put you on pain meds and everything you've been through; It's understandable you'd have vivid dreams."

Thomas' heart sunk," No, Newt was there. He'll tell you when he wakes up," he began to struggle to sit up, and the line calculating his heart began to speed past with a warning beep," It wasn't a dream." He tried to lift his arm away from the IV and found he still couldn't. Halfway up he cursed when his head set ablaze like the wrath of God," Shit! I'm going to see him, and you two aren't stopping me." Brenda watched in horror, as Minho went to the door to call for a nurse.

"I think he needs a sedative. We've seen him when he's like this-" 

Thomas heard the words and fought against the bed," I don't want any damn drugs! I'm not high now and you just- let me the fuck out of this bed." It happened so quickly. Three nurses rushed forward when they heard the commotion, and he used the one arm that worked to push one back. Minho grabbed Brenda's hand as they watched with painful eyes, but if only they knew... One nursed pinned him back, and if it hadn't been for his shoulder he might have been able to fight them off. He cried out when a sudden, trickle of warmth spread throughout him, and he was sleeping all over again.

  
Newt stumbled into the snow of the mountain, where clouds began to touch down to kiss it with favor. He didn't even remember climbing this, but one moment he'd woken up from the edge to appear alone in the middle of a winter storm. He wrapped his arms around his chest and looked around in the darkness. "Tommy?" He asked, helplessly, because he knew with every part of his being that he was really alone this time.

Thomas had left.

"Thomas!" He cried out, and he stumbled to his knees in thick snow, ice like claws stealing any warmth he had, stealing his breath. He blinked against the crystals that fell and eventually just closed his eyes in defeat. "You said you wouldn't leave!" He cried out one last time, and then he fell further into the snow and lost any definition of time.


	10. One day at a time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably going to be a long work, because I have a general idea of how this plays out and by general idea I mean mostly just a handful of scenes and words that could correlate if I squinted hard enough.

"I'm Thomas, and uh-" He waved his hand dismissively," I'm an addict." Minho nudged him in the side and he sent his friend a glare in return, because this had been exactly what he thought it would be. The once church, abondoned and founded by people who had once been unable to pay a simple water bill, had been brought to life with the taste of bitter coffee and smoke from every corner. He thought the people were nice, and even as they went around the circle and introduced themselves he hardly remembered anyone's name. Except Minho, but he was just a support dog.

"If there are any newbies at this meeting, we ask that you stand, not to embarrass you, but to get to know you," the moderator, or whatever the dude was that led the current meeting said. Thomas figured they sort of just picked a volunteer each time. When the moment passed, and Thomas had been the only new one to introduce himself, they all smiled and a few even commented something small to seem more open.

There was just something off about this place. For one, everyone gave hugs. Thomas had nearly sputtered during the first woman to lean in and greet him, and then the other and the other- it was just a huge fucking hug fest, and his fingers had went numb as he tried to stop from getting overwhelmed. Well, more numb than his arm was. His left one rested again the chair, and even if he had remote abilities towards his fingers, his upper arm was just as fucked as the rest of this situation.

And then there was their stupid readings. They were color coded to look all pretty, but in reality they were two, sometimes eight paragraphs of long statements about how addiction is evil or something. Thomas wasn't sure, he rarely paid attention when it came to anything. Oh, and of course Minho wasn't going to have that. He half turned and felt his friend toss a reading to him, the "Just for Today" little booklet, the one that burnt his skin because reading this much in front of anyone was not something he'd signed up for.

The entire time the other ones were being read in order, he moved his leg in a frantic nerve and tried to decipher how he was going to read all of this without choking. Shit, were his hands shaking?

"Now if someone would read the Just for Today."

Thomas took in a deep breath and introduced himself again, and for a moment he felt Minho rest a hand on his knee for assurance. His jaw clenched, but he looked down at the words and began to speak in a soft voice," We suspect that if we do not use what we have, we will lose what we have..." He furrowed his brows and lowered a finger to the first paragraph.

"Addiction gave a pattern to our lives, and with it a meaning—a dark, diseased meaning, to be sure, but a meaning nonetheless."

_Meaning?_

He ignored most of the sentences, more inclined to worry about the way he stuttered on a few words from nerves alone in the second paragraph. He didn't realize how much this place would remind him of high school, the years he did attend. When he finished, his entire face felt horrid red- and he stumbled from his seat and pushed the door to feel the brisk wind outside, where he grabbed a half smoked cigeratte in the ash tray. Minho followed right after, maybe having expected him to have left altogether. He seemed relieved when he found Thomas smoking instead.

"Hey," Minho said, hands in his pocket.

Thomas inhaled deeply and leaned back against the wall," These meetings are supposed to help?" He flicked a little ash towards the mini garden they had with a raised brow. Were they supposed to make you want to go out and use?

Minho snorted," Thomas, you've only been in there for ten minutes. The actual meeting hasn't even started."

Thomas groaned," I've been clean for-" he held his hands up to count, and stopped at seven with a shrug," Like definitely a week. You should trust me enough now to not have to follow me everywhere."

"You were in the hospital for most of that, and even then you spent the other recovering at home," Minho said," I'm just trying to help you out. Better than rehab, right?"

Thomas grinned a little, something hesitant about the way his lips moved, but present. Minho had noticed change, even if only a little. He'd packed Thomas' bag, which had been near empty anyways, and moved him into his place to keep him off the shit. Thomas was at the point where he actually put his clothes in the dirty hamper, so that was progress. As for the drugs, well he knew a week was enough to celebrate. A week, recovering or not, had been like a year according to Thomas, especially when he was in a mood.

"Yeah, well-" Thomas finished off to the end of the cigeratte and then tossed it in the ash tray. "You said after I could see him. So, I guess I'll finish it."

Minho sighed," Just get through the meeting." Minho was already tense at the idea of going to the hospital. He'd been there the first few days Newt had awoken, and he remembered how awful it had been.

_Thomas had stepped forward to the door of Newt's room. He hadn't woken up yet, but they had him on tubes and a machine he couldn't even remember the name of, but it had terrified him. The idea, that Newt was alone, unable to stand on his own without those awful things... He felt a pang of guilt, and loss- but he told himself he hadn't yet lost Newt._

_Gally though, wouldn't allow even the thought of checking on him. He'd shut the door behind him and stared into Thomas' face with a hateful glare," What are you doing here?"_

_Minho and Brenda had been waiting behind, but they both stepped forward with caution. It had been three days since Thomas had been let out of the hospital, but three days wasn't enough to change how tired he looked, from the wounds, the withdrawals. His voice was small when it emanated into the echo of the hall," I want to see him."_

_"You?" Gally stepped forward and jabbed a hand to Thomas' chest," You're the reason he's in here! They were targeting you."_

_Thomas faltered, stepping back as Minho came to stand beside him," Gally, he really means well. Can't he just-"_

_"No," Gally hissed," I'm about to lose my best friend. M-" he cut off and they could see the tears swelling up in his eyes," I don't want you here. He wouldn't either. You're nothing but what's getting him killed."_

Minho closed his eyes now with a sigh. He'd told Thomas they would see him if he woke up, and ever since he'd been trying his best to get better. There was something so special about the blonde boy to Thomas, and he knew it was just the dream. Even so, maybe seeing him would make Thomas feel better. He hoped, because sometimes he feared a meeting really wouldn't be enough.

Newt swallowed hard, his lips dry and his throat hoarse from the lack of water. He had an IV, but it was nothing to the need for an actual liquid to his tongue. He just wanted to taste something. Anything. They said he couldn't leave for a week or two, and the idea only made him more irritable. He couldn't turn in bed, couldn't move for the remote to change it off of an awful soap opera. What else was there but to sit in his own thoughts?

"The other guy," Newt said suddenly," did he make it out alright?"

Gally sat up in his chair with clasped hands, chuckling a little but without much amusement," Thomas? Yeah, he's fine. It's the same guy that mooched cigs off me in the lot."

Newt winced a little when he tried to sit up, and Gally offered him another worrisome look he chose to ignore. He was a painful sort of company, only because he cared so much. Gally had been by his side as much as the nurses would allow him the past week, often bringing little activity books or their old gameboys from childhood. It hadn't been all bad, especially when he beat Gally's ass on a multiplayer.

"Thought he looked familiar as I was bleeding out," Newt said, and it was a joke, but Gally scowled at him much like his father might have in the past. It hurt to laugh anyways, so Newt just looked towards the door and let out a very soft breath. "You know, it's quite peaceful like they say. Dying is easy."

Gally stiffened," But you're alive, and that's what matters." He moved to take Newt's hand and squeezed, his words coming out with more emotion than Newt would have first assumed he was capable of," Newt, you're the only person I have in my life that I trust anymore. You're my brother, okay? So... Just stop talking about death and let's play another round of something."

Newt raised a brow," Thought you'd say something inspirational."

Gally looked as if he were about to move to hit him, but pulled back last moment with a grin," You just wait until you're feeling better."

"Is he?" A voice from the door had them both lifting their head. It was Thomas, and a man he hadn't yet met. He looked awfully different now, than he had in the parking lot; but he couldn't quite put his head to it, not when he was drowsy and half in pain. Gally immediately stood from his chair.

"I told you he doesn't want too much company," Gally said, but Thomas seemed persistent. He looked over Gally's shoulders and his gaze met Newt's. There were so many emotions in those eyes, too deep to ignore. He with great effort, pushed the button that raised his bed, trying to keep from jerking at the ache under his collar bone. "Minho, why did you bring him here?"

"Gally, he got shot too. Come on," Newt smiled a little, but it wasn't enough to hide the shock of his body from it's wear alone. He'd have to remind his nurse to up the meds, because this wasn't going to work if he were to keep any sanity.

Gally grumbled a little and threw his hands up, even as Minho offered him up an apologetic hand to the shoulder. It was humorous almost, but Newt couldn't divert his gaze from the lost looking boy in front of him. He watched as he fell into a chair, and his voice came out so broken that even Gally seemed shocked.

"Newt," Thomas whispered," I-I am so sorry."

"You didn't shoot me," Newt said, his brows furrowing as he gave the other two men a look. Minho pushed his head into his hand with a sigh of defeat.

"Not for that," Thomas said, and he leaned forward a little, even though Gally and Minho were close enough to hear. "For leaving. I didn't mean too, I just woke up, and I tried to-"

"What?" Newt asked, chuckling a little," I'm sorry, I think I may be a little lost."

Something fell in Thomas' face as he leaned away from Newt. From this close, Newt saw the trail of angel kisses along his face, and the way his eyes reflected a golden like hue that brightened his current emotions. Minho took in a sharp breath when the silence fell, and he offered his friend a hand up from his seat," Come on, it's getting late anyways. Newt needs rest."

Newt, for a moment, couldn't bare to see him leave yet, not without hearing him out. "Can... Can Thomas and I be alone for a moment?"

"Newt-"

"Gally, please," Newt said and with greater emphasis," We just got shot."

Gally looked so perplexed and even more worried, but he eventually nodded despite the obvious refusal in his face. He held up his hand," Five minutes, and you call me if you need me." _Oh,_ Newt thought _, It's Thomas he's worried about._ He looked over at the man, and wondered how anyone could be. He didn't look threatening, not like he had when they'd first met.

"Sure," Newt promised, and he waited for them both to leave the room. He didn't miss the look Minho gave Thomas, who shrugged helplessly before turning to await Newt's words like a child awaiting a gift. Newt tilted his head to peer at him, his finger tapping along the bed side frame in thought.

Eventually the silence seemed to drive Thomas mad, because he leaned forward again and spoke out," I never meant to leave you."

"Where did you leave me?" Newt asked, his brow raising with interest.

"You know-" Thomas said, clearly uncomfortable," The mountain."

"The mountain," Newt repeated with a deadpan expression.

"Newt!" Thomas said, clenching the side of the bed," You were there. I- I wasn't dreaming, I know I wasn't." His voice broke, and for a moment he just sat there with those harsh breaths, the kind Newt could barely take without being sent to the edge of an excruciating dagger. Newt, rather kind of him, lowered his hand to touch Thomas' knuckles.

"You need a haircut," Newt said, frowning with distaste.

"What?"

Newt smiled then, a knowing smile as he slowly let his words fall into place. "I said you should cut it, rather odd it's grown back so quickly. Isn't it, Tommy?"

_Silence. And then-_

"Newt. Oh God- you're an asshole."

Maybe. But then again, Thomas had left him on a damn mountain.


	11. Friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably updating too much, but like I said my job is super slow.

Healing takes time, that much is evident when they give you the entire encyclopedia on your given wound when you leave the hospital. Really, Newt wasn't having it. He'd taken one look at the stapled papers and tossed it in the trash upon entrance of his apartment. Gally, who'd driven him home and carried his bag in, immediately rushed forward to grab it, as if it would somehow spontaneously combust and ruin what recovery Newt had made. "Dude! These are instructions!"

"No," Newt said," It's a novel." And when Gally still had that disturbed look, he added," I'll smoke some pot and be fine. I'm practically heal-" he strained when a sudden cough emanated in his throat, and his hands clutched to the counter.

Gally cursed under his breath and moved to steady Newt," Yeah? You try that, Newt. You'll be screaming the first hit, you could barely even move a few days ago."

"I'm not a baby."

"No, but you seem to forget that being shot isn't just something to cover up with a damn bandaid!" Gally seemed to realize he'd raised his voice and mended it with a small comment," Sit down, I'll make you some tea."

"Actually," Newt pursed his lips and managed a small look of guilt as he very carefully took a seat on his couch. He really had missed it, even the small pillow sown with small kitten patterns from the lady downstairs. "I was hoping maybe to be alone for tonight."

"What?" Gally came around the corner and put a hand to his side," I'm supposed to monitor you."

Newt didn't ever have to wonder what having a mother in his life would be like now, not with Gally around. He didn't think he'd ever seen the boy so uptight before. He looked exhausted, his eyes rimmed with shadows from the sleepless nights and over use of shitty coffee. The guy really needed his rest. And- well, Newt had plans.

Even so, Gally stuck around for a good hour cleaning up his place. He did the dishes and made Newt a sandwich, even cut the crust off, which was weird because Newt didn't actually mind crust. He sat in silence and ate his food, while Gally ran a highlighter along the paper for anything Newt must know. He didn't need to know anything really, just that being shot hurt like hell and he'd try to avoid it altogether.

His previous plans came to light when there was a knock at the door, and Gally turned to it as if he were insulted. "Who's that?"

Newt bit his lip and squinted his eyes at the television," Uh, I might have told Thomas I was on my way home."

If Gally was uptight before, he was down right stricken with paternal frustration now. He threw his hands up in the air and stomped towards the door," You invited him over?! That's why you wanted me to leave!"

Newt leaned against the arm of the couch," Will you let him in? I've just gotten comfortable." Maybe the added favor was to annoy Gally further, but his friend unlatched the door and swung it open to reveal a very cleaned up Thomas. He'd gotten a haircut and dressed into clothes he could only assume were new. The blue shirt suited him well, and the way his cheeks colored with red very heavily contrasted to the way he paled in the parking lot. Newt thought he was a rather handsome man now, he just needed to take care of himself. 

And he definitely needed to keep blushing, because the annoying, smart ass became something small and cute when something seemed to surprise him or throw him out of his comfort zone. Like now. Thomas' eyes widened when Gally crossed his arms," Uh, is this- bad time?"

Gally opened his mouth to speak, but Newt spoke over him," Not at all. I told you I could use a movie night, Gally was just leaving."

Gally stepped forward and whispered low," If you so much as say the wrong word, I will hunt you down. I mean it," he said, pointing a finger close to Thomas' chest. Newt could only roll his eyes, but he let Gally have his moment. It would make him feel better about leaving, even if Newt was a grown ass man and could make his own decisions. "Newt, you have me on speed dial."

Newt furrowed his brows," No, I don't."

"I fixed your phone when you were recovering. Call me," Gally said in a very protective, irritable tone.

Thomas bit his lip and nodded," Yeah, sure. I really don't want to do anything to upset him though. You don't have to worry." Newt could tell he was trying, which was more than he could say about Gally at this point, who made that little gesture his eyes would be on him. It was cringe worthy, but it was also the final move Gally implemented before leaving them alone. Newt bit back a serious chuckle when the door shut.

"He has become something of nightmares," Newt said, but the humor didn't seem to touch Thomas, who stood in the living room looking as if he were ready to repent. It was a nice look.

"Tommy?" Newt asked.

"Hmm?" He scratched the back of his head, and Newt realized how his other arm kept close to his side. He'd heard about the damage done, but now he could see it was a practiced effort to use his less dominant one for anything. He wondered if he'd ever get the feeling back.

"Sit," Newt said, patting a hand on a cushion beside him," unless you're afraid too."

Thomas grinned at this," Afraid? I'm just uh-" he moved to sit down and stretched out his leg a little, still obviously not relaxed about the idea of 'hanging out' as Newt had put it," surprised you wanted me to come over."

"Why? We nearly died together, kind of seems like after all that we'd be friends, right?" Newt hadn't really thought the question would have been taken so seriously, but Thomas tensed a little before turning his head to peer at him.

"Yeah," Thomas said, shrugging with his good shoulder," I mean, definitely. It was nice healing and having someone to text about how bad Minho and Brenda have gotten."

Newt laughed at this, leaning back in the couch," Oh right! Do you still have to check in every hour you're out?"

Thomas rolled his eyes," He's basically my mother. Can't even have movie night with a guy without him asking who it is. You should have seen his face when I said it was you."

"Disappointed?" Newt asked, half joking.

"Surprised," Thomas said," he didn't know we were talking." Newt had to mentally take a picture of the way Thomas practically fiddled with his thumbs. It was such a contrast to how he'd been in the alter world, or however they were defining it. There was something uncertain about his demeanor, but it made him all the more real.

"Neither did Gally," Newt said and he offered Thomas a small smile," but who cares what they think? No one would ever believe we were somehow subconsciously connected."

"I seriously thought I'd dream that when you pulled that face you did," Thomas replied, and he seemed to ease his stance slightly. The tv let out information about the news or something, and part of Newt wanted to turn it off, because it was the same creepy guy from the hotel. Thomas seemed to notice because he averted his gaze from Newt and sighed a little.

"Still hot?" Newt questioned.

"Hm?" 

"The anchor. You said he was hot before." Newt wondered what he saw in him anyways, but then he knew his perspective had been swayed by the horrible voice he'd used to taunt them. He could still remember the scream behind the counter.

"I have nightmares about him," Thomas said, and they both looked at eachother and laughed a bit, because what the actual fuck had been the whole reason for their shared dream? Newt thought it had to mean something, he just wasn't sure they'd ever find out what it was. It infuriated him, but he was also partially grateful for it. He hadn't woken up just wounded. He'd woken up to see a man in ways he'd first batted away to ugly words, like mooch or psychotic. Thomas wasn't easily defined by what he'd been using that day, and now Newt knew he couldn't ever judge anyone for what they showed. People had different stories, and he was finally beginning to understand how much it could change someone for the worse. Or, in Thomas' case, for the better. He was on the road to recovery, and he looked so well now that something like pride swelled in Newt's chest.

Even knowing eachother a short time, Newt was really, really happy for him.

"Newt, you are totally spacing out," Thomas said, and by now all discomfort had left his body. He had the same teasing tone he had in the astral mind fuck. Newt smiled to himself. That was the perfect word for it.

"Yeah, I was just thinking," Newt informed, and he slouched into the couch to eye Thomas with a smirk," Should we watch The Matrix?"

They did not, in fact, watch the Matrix. Another thing Newt had learned about Thomas in the span of the four hour binge of disney movies, was the guy felt alot. He cried during Mufasa's death, but so had Newt the first few times he'd watched it. It just, really made him like Thomas even more. He had chanced a glance over his way and saw him blinking back fast, his fingers digging into his thigh- and he just thought, randomly-

 _I want to kiss him_.

Newt's eyes widened at the thought. He shouldn't have an issue wanting to kiss a guy because he cries to an animated lion's death, but he definitely did.

The second movie was easier. They had a few snacks assorted out and Newt could pretend like things hadn't changed because of one scene. Except, he was certainly touch starved. Thomas was attractive, and funny, and kind of weird when he really thought about it- and Newt could easily pull him in close just to feel somebody's warmth. He knew that would not be a thing to do when you'd just become friends with somebody though, but really- didn't their whole adventure in mind fuck palace change the rules?

It didn't help that Thomas was completely unreadable other than how he felt towards the screen. He seemed so into the movies, that it was hard to think he might even be wanting the same thing. Just to hold hands even, would make Newt feel less alienated towards humanity. Hell, a good make out session that ended in a high five, because they were definitely just friends, would be acceptable.  
  
_But nothing happened. At all._

At the end of the night, Thomas had sort of slow trailed towards the door. They'd made a mess at the coffee table, laughing about stupid things and questioning the reality of some characters- and it had been fun, but Newt hadn't even been able to move for a goodnight hug before Thomas was getting a call from Minho, apologizing for the inconvenience, and leaving out his door.

_A hug. Just a hug would have been nice._

  
The following week or so had been relatively the same. They'd text eachother when they woke up until midday when they'd hang out and play stupid games or talk about how their recovery was going. He'd always brighten when Thomas came through the door, everytime he could tell how much progress was being made. He remembered him showing Newt the first white tag he'd gotten from a meeting, and when Newt had told him he was proud... And the way Thomas had beamed in return. He could hardly get work done with him around. Editing articles online had become a tough thing to do when he knew Thomas may be over.

Thomas had become someone he looked forward to seeing everyday, and often times he'd check the clock in anticipation or find himself fixing his hair before his visits. And now, he tucked a blonde strand behind his ear at the thought of him," It's like he doesn't even want to touch me," Newt said out loud.

Gally, who'd been sipping on boba tea, choked and slammed a hand against the coffee table outside the Cafe a little farther outside their city limits. When he was finished near dying, he lifted his head with wide eyes," You're trying to fuck him?"

Newt rolled his eyes and looked away with annoyance," Not just fuck, okay? He won't even grab my thigh or put an arm around me when we hang out. It's like..." He furrowed his brows," I know he's into men, and I know he's okay with touch now, but he purposely doesn't touch me."

Gally, who'd finally come around to speaking to Thomas without threats, shrugged a little," Okay, maybe he just sees you as a friend."

Newt raised a brow," I'm not in love with the guy, I'd just like to do things with him. Friends can do things, Gally." And he added after thought," You should be happy I'm not trying to do things with you."

Gally swallowed some of his tea with a frown," Uh, speaking of doing things. What happened to that Alby dude? You just drop him or something?"

Ugh, Alby. Newt mentally groaned at the mention of the man, who had yet to even reply to his last text. Not that he was ever going back, but he'd love to have broken it off. He leaned back in his chair," He's a shit person, so uh, yeah. I'm not even going to consider a relationship at this point with anyone, but even touching him would break all sorts of new rules I have."

"What? Rules like not fucking meth addicts?" Before Newt could even inform Gally that Thomas was making a wonderful change, he held his hands up in defense," Bad joke, I know. I'm just still a little wary around him."

"Well, you shouldn't be," Newt said with clasped hands. He leveled Gally's gaze and smirked a little," You know, maybe he's a little wary around me."

"Hm?" Gally had began sipping on the rest of his drink, not looking too invested in the flow of the current conversation.

"Maybe I have to just-" he shrugged a little," drop down on my knees an-"

"Newt? Gally?" Minho's voice had them both looking up with a bit of shock. He half worried he'd heard his words, but if he had, he didn't give it away. Gally bit his lip, and Newt definitely didn't miss the way his gaze lingered. "Didn't know you guys liked this cafe, figured you'd be further in the city."

"Well, Thomas was looking for a job, and I heard they were giving out applications. Figured I'd get a drink while I was at it," Newt said, and it was so strange- how easy it was for him to run a little errand for someone that hadn't been in his life weeks before. But, it was Thomas. He liked doing things for Thomas.

Gally squinted at him," I thought we came here for the new drinks."

Minho chuckled at them both as he shoved his hands in his pockets," That's nice of you, Newt. I know he'll appreciate it. He appreciates alot of what you do."

 _Does he,_ Newt wondered. He bit back the smile trying to fight its way onto his lips and sipped on his green tea. Well, now he felt warm all over. Gally looked his way and quickly turned back to Minho, who continued on casually," He ask you guys to the bonfire meeting?"

"To the what?" Newt asked, a little thrown off guard.

"It's just a little party. No beer or anything obviously, but his home group sips on coffee and kind of just hangs out, maybe roast some smores," he said with a soft shrug," I'm sure he's been meaning to ask you. It's this Saturday if you're interested."

"I love coffee," Newt said with enthusiasm," I'll uh, check my schedule."

Gally muttered something under his breath about coffee, but Newt ignored him because he already knew. Of course he was freaking going, and if he got lucky, Thomas would end the night at his place. For some reason, Gally looked a little more pale than usual. He noticed his cheeks found their warmth soon enough when Minho parted to go buy himself a drink. Newt smirked a little as he leaned back," I am so damn glad I got shot."

It took a moment for Gally to realize what he said, and he frowned deeply," You really need to stop saying that."  



	12. What are Feelings?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some sexual events, not overly detailed, just a heads up. Also warning for those of you who hate emotions, there will be tons of fluff in the upcoming chapters sprinkled with a little angst here and there.
> 
> Also some may be wondering why Newt's dad showed up at the hospital even though he'd had a scene where he didn't have his family. Alot will be explained coming up

_Just for today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs._

Thomas looked in the mirror, and he was surprised by what he saw. When had the sharp prominence of bones been filled over with lean muscle, or the paleness of his skin to the fairness of a healthy man? He smiled a little and bit his lip as a finger went to button the last of his green shirt. He found he liked dressing up, or moreso wearing something other than the shirt full of holes and marks from a cheap wash. As small as it was, he knew he'd done alot he hadn't ever imagined possible.

He took showers and enjoyed the way the hot water drenched his body, and how the steam rolled out to fog the mirror. He drank coffee for the taste, instead of holding down something so the drugs didn't make him feel sick later on. It was the most miniscule things that he longed for now, and he loved it. He could go outside and actually feel every breath, like a gift cast down by the world in it's calloused but forgiving hands.

"Are you nervous about Newt coming?" Minho asked in the morning, when Thomas had finished drying his hair and heating up coffee in the microwave.

He turned a little and shrugged," I mean there's nothing to hide, I just-" he pulled out his coffee and waited for the heat to stop rising," I've never really cared what people think about me before."

Newt was from a different world. Even if he had snuck to their side for a taste of it, he'd grown up in the city the proper way. Newt had a decent job, a really nice apartment, rich friends, health insurance for one, which was a pretty big deal to them- he was just overall more put together. He'd even gotten his GED, and applied for classes in college. Thomas, upon talking to him, had learned that he was the one who had yet to grow up.  
  
Turns out the confidence of meth didn't actually qualify as maturity and wisdom. He bit his lip and fumbled with his cup. Minho leaned against the counter with a small smile," Newt seems to really like you. When I told him about the bonfire he got really excited about it."

"I just don't want to mess this up," Thomas said. It was a slippery slope, one he felt constantly. The first few nights of being clean without the lock down of a hospital had been littered with dreams of his DOC. He craved it waking up, sweating like a mad man as he tried to unlock the door to the apartment. Minho had rushed forward and fought him, until Thomas could do nothing but break in his arms. It had been a horrible, painful process- but Thomas was still here.

"You won't," Minho said with great determination," Just be yourself."

"Right," Thomas said, and he eyed the application on the table with a sigh. He had yet to fill it out. The last job he'd gotten had been with Minho, and even then it had never been a real job. He'd been paid to make appointments out of sympathy, but he was kind of hoping he could start working an actual job soon. It was just the work history that was getting him, and the fact he didn't have an actual license or social security card. It would take time to put the pieces back together in his life, but he couldn't help but feel a little overwhelmed. "One day at a time," he said to himself, like every word reminded him what it meant to be there, alive and breathing.

"You'll get there," Minho said, and he had that smile again. Minho was one of his best friends, and if he truly believed everything would be okay, then Thomas was going to believe it too.

  


  
Newt blinked back at the mirror with his relative bitch face and took a long hit of the tropical fruit swisher in hand, the smell of pot emanating from his room and dancing through the hall of his apartment. He sighed a little as he brought his knees up and continued to study the person looking back," Well, you look like shit," he told himself. He set his blunt on the plate he was using as an ash tray to stretch, feeling more tired now that he had actually gotten out of bed. He didn't often sleep well, but the night previous had been full of longing thoughts, for both a human companion and the way his old scars were fading.

He should be relatively joyful when it came to how life had handed him his cards, surviving the gun shot and all, but it always felt like he was missing something. He craned his neck a little and looked out his bedroom door to the dark hall, wondering if by any miraculous chance someone would come to visit him without notice. Gally was busy at work, and Thomas hadn't replied to his earlier text, so it was just him and his thoughts for the morning.

_Fun_.

Newt sighed and took the blunt into his fingers again, just as his phone lit to notify him of a pressing notification. Pushing strands of blonde from his face, he reached for the phone and froze when he read the name.

 _ **Alby:** I miss_ _you._  
  
Sometimes, the brightness of moving on had the capability of burning those who had yet to ever feel the sun on their bare body. Newt was one of them, one of the people who had grown so used to the darkness that he'd learned to count every jagged edge from the cliff he'd fallen from. And now, when he couldn't blink back the light, he longed for the familiarity of that damn cliff. At least there, he knew every sensation the bottom would bring. No one he'd ever met had spoken of the way it would feel to touch the sky.  
  
Newt was dangerously close to replying to the text, and he'd already opened it when another came through.

 _ **Tommy:** I was_ _going to come by before, but Minho's helping me get my social security card. See you tonight!_

Newt inhaled sharply. His head hit the back of his bed from the floor, and all he could do was stare at the thick patch of skin that had healed over his thigh, where Alby had watched him drench the sheets while he'd revealed the promising dou they could have made. A blood pact, in a way. Alby had always been jealous, and he'd kept stringing words from Newt until he had cried out his promises. Alby owned his blood, his body and his spirit. They'd been shallow words taken seriously, all so Newt could have his high.

And now-

Newt finished sending his text and immediately got up to head to the living room, without his phone. He did not want to be home if Alby should decide to come over, so he grabbed his shit and got ready to head to Gally's work.  
  


The sun was high, but there was enough cloud coverage that for a moment Newt could pretend he wasn't dying. He'd slipped on one of those over sized tank tops, the kind that cut off along his side and showed more skin than necessary. At his left side he kept his laptop bag, where his phone would remain until he felt absolutely positive he wouldn't answer whatever Alby responded with. His chest rose with the heavier breaths brought forth by the sudden anxiety, and he was pretty sure he deserved it. Breaking up with someone in text, regardless of how fucked the situation just seemed... Cowardly. _But then again_ , Newt thought bitterly, _Alby was a dick._

When he made it to the gym, Newt pushed open the glass door and found Gally being a total salesman to some couple. He'd heard it all. Discount, more discounts, the contract that basically wrote off the discounts- it was better than doing anything actually illegal. Newt spared him an amused look and gestured with his head that he'd wait over at the vending machines and break area. Gally slipped a little thumbs up, and somehow got it past the two love birds overdressed for working out. When Newt took a seat in his chair, he had the gracious moment of checking his friend out.

While not his type, merely because he'd seen Gally eat a taco off the floor drunk too many times, he was an attractive man. When Newt had first realized he wasn't getting hard because of the woman on screen, but her very manly companion- Gally had definitely helped him figure it out. The gym, he supposed, had been his ultimate aid in determining where his eyes preferred to glance. He threw his arm back against the chair now and grinned a little, because it seemed the couple had taken his bait. He watched the way Gally's muscles seemed to tense from an earlier workout under his shirt and thought, only for a second what life would be like if he could have just somehow fallen for his friend. Newt half snorted to himself, because no- he was more into drug dealers and the people they sold too apparently.

"Hey," A voice caught him off guard, and Newt lifted his chin with wide eyes, as if he had been doing something worth getting in trouble for. When he saw it was just Ben, one of the regulars of the gym, he relaxed back into his seat with a sigh. "Just me," Ben said with a very pretty smile as he moved a chair for himself, just beside Newt.

"I see that," Newt quirked a grin and pushed his legs out," You've a way of getting attention. I always feel like I'm about to be arrested."

"Would you like to be arrested Newt?" And God, if Newt hadn't been so wrapped over on his current issue with men- he might have went full force on the flirting with this one. Ben was... Nice, but Ben was also an actual cop.

"Mm," Newt gave it an amused thought and tilted his head," I guess it depends on who's cuffing me." Ok, maybe he was just a natural flirt, it seemed. Not like he was seeing anyone anyways. Ben was the sort of man you looked forward taking home to your mother, or the kind where grocery shopping turned into a run in with the pastor at some church you go to, until you were stuck playing charades til late in the night with his whole family. He wasn't the man you spread your legs for in a gym bathroom, and hoped to the heavens no one knocked on the door. _No, not Ben_.

And later during the day, after Newt had snuck off into the bathroom and been half caught by Gally, who hadn't said a word until now- he realized just how pathetic he was being. "You..." Gally plopped his lips," It wasn't even a minute. I mean- Ben? I would have thought better." He rest a hand on the steering wheel as they turned onto an unfamiliar street, littered with a few mcdonald's cups and paper stuck in the gutter.

Newt slouched into the leather, with his arms crossed, much like a teenage girl would after being lectured by her mother. "It was only a minute, because we didn't fuck. I changed my mind," and when Gally looked speculative, doubtful even- Newt elbowed him hard," I did!"

In the air, rain sat just at the edge of clouds with the slightest breeze to warn them of the coming night where storms would most likely break the bonfire up earlier than intended. Newt didn't mind, since it was apparent he didn't have it in him to have fun anymore. He wasn't even sure what had happened back at the gym.

Newt had practically led Ben to the bathroom. With a very warm whisper against his ear as he let his fingers dig into Ben's shoulder at the break table, Newt voiced his wants. Ben looked lost for a moment, as if he wasn't sure this wasn't some kind of joke to tease at his obvious flirting. And then Newt nipped at his ear and pulled away to begin heading to said destination, and it seemed to be enough for the older man. Newt couldn't explain why he needed this, not other than the physical stimulation brought forth when Ben forced him up against the tiled wall and he gasped in pleasurable surprise.

"You said you wanted it rough," Ben said, part of him wavering at the idea now. Newt might have thought it was cute if he wasn't trying to get fucked into oblivion at the moment. Newt tugged at Ben's belt and tried to not start a conversation on what his kind of rough meant as it clanged to the floor.

"No sap," Newt said in a whisper," Just use me Ben."

Ben looked... Uncertain, again. Newt pushed a hand into his pants and cupped him, feeling how he hardened at the sudden pressure with a smirk," You don't even have to call me after." He'd meant it as a joke, but for the love of whatever the hell had created him- Newt thought of Thomas suddenly.

Tommy, with his big, stupid brown eyes and his horribly pretty lips as they'd face timed on the way over. He'd asked if he could call Newt after he was finished with errands, because they hadn't gotten to call last night. Newt had definitely pointed they were on the phone then and hung up with a half hearted joke. But- his phone was in his bag, and if Thomas called he wouldn't be able to answer it. And if he didn't answer it, he'd have to somehow explain how he was away from his phone. And... Did he want to lie? Did he really want to tell Thomas he'd just gotten stuffed by a man in uniform, who was definitely still staring at him?

Oh, shit. Ben was staring.

"Sorry?" Newt blinked and tried to get back to work, rubbing his thumb along the slit of his head and half wondering if he could just suck him off and get through with it.

"Newt," Ben either hadn't noticed he'd gone into his own thoughts, or he didn't care enough to ask. His lips forced themselves in the crane of Newt's neck as he continued to feel him up. He used the slick of pre cum to coat his hand, wrapping it around his base to begin fucking Ben into the warmth of his palm. It was easier, and even if he had lost the sudden high of doing something stupid because of a boy he'd met weeks ago, then so be it. At least Ben could lose himself to a mess of a shuddering orgasm that stained Newt's fingers with a very odd feeling. Guilt? Shame?

When it had finished, and he'd long regretted even trying, Ben had began to slip his hand into his sweats when he pulled back against the wall," Actually," Newt let out a rough breath," I think I'm okay." Maybe Ben had just gotten there, and he could get dressed into some actual gym clothes and work out whatever made his shoulders tense, because Newt didn't want any other part in it. He'd turned his head and half closed his eyes," Sorry, I'll uh- see you some other time."

When he actually finished explaining, Gally had already been parked and was staring at him with bewilderment. "So..." His friend trailed off," You went to do the dirty and what? Got distracted by Thomas, who might I add, you are not even dating."

"I'm very aware," Newt retorted. He hated whatever this was. Was it because he'd seen Thomas bleed? No other man had brought so much- curiosity, he'd say. It was conflicting, deranged and just really annoying now. If he had any energy left, it might have been easier to hate the guy for being so different, but then he caught sight of him along where a bonfire was about to be lit and had to take in a sharp breath. His chest felt unbearably full. And Thomas had his head tipped back as he laughed about something someone said, his lean arms just now prevailing with the slightest muscle from his new lifestyle, and Newt wondered what kind of hugs he gave suddenly.

"I think I need a drink," Newt said.

"Taking this is an anti drug party, you might be shit out of luck," Gally replied, but he was smiling like an idiot. He definitely seemed to enjoy how much Newt felt out of his comfort zone, or maybe he was just relieved he wasn't the only person not getting any at the moment.

"Come on," Newt said without much force," Let's get this over with."

Not that there was anything he was immensely dreading, say for the presence of Thomas after the entire ordeal. Minho and Brenda were joking about something to him when they both treaded forth to unknown lands. It was a smaller house, but the yard stretched for an acre or so, dogs running about as children feasted on barbecued burgers. Thomas, who'd half stretched to greet a large bull dog, lifted his head when he heard their footsteps.

It was funny how a few days, he could change into an entirely different person. Whereas Newt could barely touch him before, Thomas pulled him into a welcoming hug that startled a soft sound from him. Thomas was definitely built to be a physical guy, with the way warmth radiated off of him despite a sudden gust of wind. Newt's cheeks were hot when he pulled away, and he mustered a few words to get himself together," Well, it is certainly lively."

Thomas had slid a hand along Newt's shoulder and squeezed, a teasing glint to his eyes," You didn't call me."

"I-" Newt bit his lip and tried to stop from over analyzing a simple hug as Gally greeted Minho and Brenda," Well, I ran into a friend and then Gally made me run a few laps." It wasn't a lie. He really had run a few to throw off some steam from other, much deeper thoughts.

"Ah! Thomas!" A man Newt had yet to meet trailed over with a cup of coffee," This is Newt? I could tell you were Newt as soon as you got out of the car. He said-"

Thomas cleared his throat, and for a moment he had the audacity to look embarrassed," I told him I had a blonde friend. This is Frypan, if the name doesn't give it away, he's the greatest cook there is alive." He fiddled with something in his pocket, which Newt figured must have been a set of keys or something. Frypan reached forward suddenly and offered Newt a half hug, which he really couldn't deny because he wasn't going to be the asshole of the party. Really though, did they all just hug everyone they met?

"It's so nice to meet you, Newt," He said and Newt had to fumble for a nice nod and forced smile. It didn't come naturally for him. Thomas watched with a half cracked grin. Oh the bastard knew what he was doing then.

"Well," Newt said a bit awkwardly, and he grabbed a cigarette from his pack because at least he'd have something to do while trying to survive the social land mine this party seemed to be. Before he could even begin to dig into his pockets, Thomas was offering up his lighter. Newt didn't make eye contact with him, but he muttered a small thanks as Brenda came forward to ask Frypan a question. At least he'd be too busy to speak to him, or ask questions. He half expected Gally to fill the new silence, but when he'd turned he was talking to some chic by the newly lit fire.

"You're nervous," Thomas said, still staring at him, but Thomas had an issue with not being ashamed of it. At least he had in mind fuck palace, especially there. Part of him kind of missed it in a weird and unhealthy way, because it'd been easier trying to find a way to survive than it had been keeping up a conversation.

"Not nervous," Newt muttered, and he began to walk along the house away from the others. He didn't like crowds, but he was a little relieved Thomas stuck behind him.

"So..." Thomas trailed off, and he slouched up against the house. He looked quite pretty now. The sun had barely set, and the fire cast a golden hue over half his features. His jaw line was still sharp, though he'd gain a little weight where he'd needed it. Before he looked too frail to walk, and now Newt was pretty sure Thomas could man handle anyone. Not that- he took in another deep breath, not that he was thinking about Thomas man handling anyone. "Why are you so nervous?"

"I am not!" Newt said indignantly," I'm just-" he frowned a little and took a drag off his cigeratte," You look nice."

"You're nervous because I look nice," Thomas said, but half way into his deadpan tone, he cracked another smile that had Newt wanting to hit him. This was when he'd realized that he had taken the role of a teenage girl. Thomas elbowed him gently from the side to stir him from his thoughts," Don't worry, I'm kind of nervous too. Especially when you didn't call me, thought maybe you were trying to get out of coming." He clearly had meant it as a joke, but Newt could see the small tinge of worry present in his eyes. Did Thomas really think Newt had been trying to get out of seeing him?

Newt didn't avert his gaze as he spoke," Tommy, I've been looking forward to see you all morning. Trust me."

Thomas chuckled a little, still looking a bit unsure," I mean, it's a weird thing. Party without liquor, half of them are kids... And I mean, you could be anywhere tonight."  
  
Newt couldn't hold back, and he pushed himself off the wall," You're right. I could have been in bed with a really hot police officer that owns cuffs. I could have gotten up and drank an entire bottle of wine, watched a show about the horrors of society- and yet," he bit his lip, unsure why he'd started talking," I couldn't stop thinking about you."

 _Okay_ , Newt thought, _where the fuck had that come from?_

He was shared from responding to his own mind and hearing Thomas' reply when a woman made her presence known. She reached an arm over Thomas and his broad shoulders to press a very heated kiss against his jaw," Hey baby."

Newt froze, his cigeratte falling to the ground. "Wh-"

Thomas laughed a little and tried to pry her from his neck," Hey Theresa, maybe you can go see how Mary's doing. Think she said something about marshmallows." Her fingers tangled in her hair and she lifted her chin with a soft smile, but Newt was still staring in horror.

Theresa, whoever the fuck she was, looked deep into Thomas' eyes," Only if you kiss me goodbye."

And Newt might actually be sick. He couldn't help but stare as they kissed, a small peck, but absolutely horrid nonetheless. She untangled her fingers and moved forward, half bumping into the side of the house before she turned. Newt almost wanted to ask if he'd been dreaming. Since when had Thomas hooked up with this chic?

"Yeah, for someone reason she's convinced we've been together for six years, but I just met her at a meeting yesterday," Thomas said, and he shrugged a little. The bastard, he had that horribly victorious glint to his eyes. Newt only had a moment for his to jaw drop when Thomas laughed out loud as his obvious disgust.

"You absolute-" Newt couldn't even find words as he hit him aside the shoulder," I can not believe you just let me sit there and believe you were in a relationship after I-" Nope. He shut his mouth. Thinking about someone did not warrant actual emotional feelings of any kind. Maybe he'd just missed his friend. "After I was just about to say how close friends we were, but it would be absolutely embarrassing had I not even known who you were dating."

Thomas shrugged a little with a sheepish grin that his eyes immediately told otherwise, but they softened upon falling with his words," I think we're close friends too."

And Newt, who had felt quite odd even coming, finalized his decision for the entire night. He was going to take Thomas home and find out if his completely irrational thoughts had a reason for existing. In the middle of a sudden track, a radio igniting to life by the fire, Newt made eye contact with Gally and brushed a thumb over his nose with a single nod. It was their signal. _I'm taking this one to bed, don't wait up._

Gally responded with a sigh, one that wasn't audible from across the fire but dramatic enough. "Tommy, how would you feel about coming over tonight?" He asked, and he realized half his flirtatious moves felt odd when he did them for Thomas. Maybe it was the way they met. Maybe Thomas was really that different.

When Thomas opened his mouth, Newt stepped forward a little and grazed his fingers over his wrist. Not too forward, but enough to be obvious if that's what Thomas was looking for. "You could spend the night," he said.

Thomas, _oh so beautiful_ _Thomas_ , looked down at Newt's fingers and swallowed a little hard," Sure," he said, and when he lifted his head Newt nearly died with excitement at how vulnerable the man looked in that moment. "I'd love too Newt."


	13. Chill, My Dude

  
Half way into the night, Minho sat up from the sparked embers and ash, watching as the smoke filtered around the group. Gally had nestled himself between Brenda and him, who looked absolutely taken away by the man. Minho didn't blame her. Gally was kind of a goof, but his laugh was contagious. He chewed a little on his marshmallow and turned his head to see if Thomas and Newt had joined when he realized no one else was outside the circle. A little bit of worry etched into his being, because he had sort of been Thomas' caretaker the following weeks. Adult or not, Thomas needed one.

"Hey, anyone see Newt or Thomas?"

Brenda stopped midlaugh and sat up from where she'd been leaning on Gally's arm," Um... No. Maybe they went inside?"

"Actually," Gally coughed a little and wiped his hand on his jeans," They took an Uber home. I think they'll..." He bit his lip and seemed to have a difficult time saying the words. "You know."

Brenda's jaw dropped," Oh my god, Thomas is actually getting some."

She'd said it a little loud, but Minho thanked God that no one had seemed to hear. He leaned forward with half of his marshmallow melting like strings on his stick," Brenda! The talk we had!"

Gally furrowed his brows and tried to ask with his expression alone what the hell the talk had been about, but Brenda just shrugged helplessly and squished her unburnt marshmallow between her fingers. "Oops."

Thomas opened the door for Newt, half turned to watch the Uber driver off. Newt has insisted it would be easier than having Gally drive them to his place, and he didn't mind leaving the party early. His apartment was clean as usual, though it had a strong scent of vanilla and something of wood maybe. Newt locked the door behind them and slipped off his jacket with a small smile," Uh, yeah I burnt an incense earlier. It's not too strong, is it?"

"Not at all, was just trying to figure out what it was," Thomas said, and shit his palms were sweating. He'd been over here before, but he'd never spent the night. What did that even consist of? Was Newt the kind of guy that let friends sleep in his bed or was it more of a pass out where you can kind of deal? He took off his own jacket and hung it on the coat rack before kind of trailing forward into the living room. No reason to be nervous, he told himself. It was just Newt.

Newt, with his long golden locks and penetrating gaze. His eyes were so powerful, dark often with the endless smirk he held or more often than before- a warm, comforting fawn tint that spoke more words than he could seem to muster. Thomas found that they stared at him now, and he furrowed his brows when Newt came to stand before him. Was he waiting for something? He chuckled a little, but it fell short," Um, do you uh- want to watch a movie?"

Newt startled him a little when he stepped forward and gripped him by the shirt, and he swore he could almost see the way his breath parted from his bottom lip. Thomas wanted to ask if everything was okay, but everything in his head spontaneously combusted upon contact with his lips. Newt's lips, because Newt was kissing him. He half gasped into his mouth, but Newt was more than encouraging. 

His tongue danced across his bottom lip as he was pushed back against the couch with swift and graceful movement. Thomas didn't even have time to register the idea of what this meant, because everything tasted like Newt then. He could taste the reminisce of chocolate and feel the warmth of his tongue seek entry, which he willingly gave when he could actually move his body. Half way into the embrace, when Newt had lowered into his lap to straddle him- he clutched the back of his shirt for support, because _holy fucking shit. Newt was kissing him._

Thomas pulled him forward, and Newt let out a hot breath between his lips that only had his hands shaking with a new kind of craving. He wanted more of Newt's warmth, and his fingers found it underneath his shirt where they trailed soft circles along his back. It was then that they both had to pull away for the sake of a single breath, one that gave them enough time to look each other in the eyes. "Newt-"

"Yes, Tommy?" His voice came out breathless, but Thomas didn't have a real chance to ask his question because Newt had began to run a hand into his shirt, his fingernails grazing his chest much like a predator. Thomas' heart was racing and he really couldn't fathom speaking to interrupt the blonde's movements. 

And then Newt, in that low whisper, hot against his ear," I want you to fuck me," he said. Thomas' brain had definitely short circuited, but the look Newt gave him, with the softest of uncertainty at his demand, helped bring Thomas back enough to speak. He curled his hand into Newt's waist and pressed a kiss that spoke his agreement.

"Let's move to the bed," Thomas whispered, because as much as he wanted to dirty the couch in a desperate act to get off- Newt wasn't going to be a one time thing for him. He wanted to make him remember every moment like a new kind of drug. He lifted them off the couch, and Newt bit back a grin when he held his weight to head to the door. Halfway, Thomas had to kiss him as a reminder of his own reality. It ended up in another fit for movement. They weren't close enough, and the bed was too far, but somehow between another soft noise the blonde shared they fell against the matress with the sheets.

"Fuck, look at you," Thomas whispered, only enough to gain more oxygen before he was pushing his lips into his neck and his hands were running up and down his sides to memorize the way his body felt underneath him.

Newt tangled his fingers into his hair and threw his head back against a pillow," Clothes," he said in a half whisper, and it was so damn adorable that Thomas had to listen to the plea. He parted only long enough to rid himself of his shirt, in which Newt watched with a half lidded gaze. His thighs were wrapped along his waist, and the hard tint to his jeans met with Newt's to create a rush of endorphines each time he pushed into him with lingering kisses.

Newt gasped between a soft moan, and Thomas hitched his hips to begin undoing his jeans- and he was stopped short when there was a knock, hard against the door. A moment passed when the world became more clear, and another knock beat frantically. Newt ran a hand across his face," Are you kidding me?"

Thomas managed a smile," We could pretend it's not there." He honestly wasn't ready to ever leave this bed, not until he could take him, especially when seconds before he'd been begging with his body. For greater encouragment, Thomas kissed down his neck and bit down gently," No ones here. Just let me touch you-"

The knock was harsh at this point.

Newt sighed and dropped his hands from Thomas' shoulders," Let me just- I'll uh, get rid of them." It was enough that Thomas rolled off of him, and hoped with everything that Newt didn't change his mind after having to get up. Newt situated himself in his sweats and gave Thomas an apologetic look before parting to the hall. The blonde had a sway to his movements, and they hadn't even gotten their clothes off.

Newt tried to appear unaffected, but when he made it to the front door he felt just as hot as he had in the room. Even more so. Waiting longer just made him want it more, and he was sure whoever the hell it was wouldn't be long. He half expected the older lady downstairs, or god forbid Gally being an ass. He definitely hadn't thought Alby would be standing at his door.

"Newt," he said, his eyes raking over him,"You're not answering my calls. I thought I'd check in."

Newt went to close the door, but Alby pushed his foot up," Hey," he said, humor gracing the overall dark look he had," That's not very nice. I'm beginning to think you were actually avoiding me."

"Alby-" Newt took in a deep breath," We broke up. I sent you a text. Maybe it didn't go through, but I'm pretty sure it was marked as read." He had the worst fucking luck. Thomas was just about to take off his clothes and the one person who could ruin it had decided to make a pit stop? What were the odds?

"You never gave me an explanation," Alby pushed his way past his hold of the door and smelt the room. His brow raised a bit when he turned to take Newt in. Something changed in his eyes suddenly, and Newt wasn't sure why until he spoke again. "Someone's here," Alby said, pulling at the jacket on the coat rack and kicking at the shoes Thomas had left at the door. "Is that what this is? Needed a different man in your life?" He shrugged a little, and Newt felt himself back up against the wall. "If you wanted to fuck someone else, you could have just asked. We didn't need to break up."

"It's nothing," Newt said without thinking, because Alby was more than a little threatening. It was the entire reason he'd even gone to him, for the high of a risk that could end on bad terms. That was before, before he'd realized there were better ways to feel alive.

"I want to meet him," Alby said, and a little bit louder," You can come out! Just here for a little friendly chat."

Newt closed his eyes and sucked in a harsh breath before he spoke out," He won't leave until you do." Everything felt so desperately lost. Alby had the power to ruin this, and he knew it. Alby knew every bad thing about Newt, his sins and desires, the things he'd actually done... Moments later, Thomas came out with his shirt on, his arms crossed. He must have recognized Alby's voice, because he was tense even before they made eye contact.

And then, Alby burst out in laughter. Thomas' entire face morphed into one of horror and Newt was sure he looked the same. Alby wiped at fake tears as he grasped the counter that parted the kitchen and living room," Oh my god, Thomas?" He lifted his head and let out another laugh of disbelief," You're fucking Thomas?"

Newt stepped forward tentatively," Alby, stop."

"You broke up with me," Alby added as he pointed to him," for this low life fucking scum? Newt-" he bit back a grin that held no real humor," He's the worst addict I've ever met. Do you know who this guy is? He's stolen from me more times than I count."

Newt wrapped his arms around himself," Thomas isn't like that. He's been clean for a bit now... He's getting better." He offered a look towards Thomas, who's jaw clenched as he looked towards the window. Newt cleared his throat to try to find more strength," And even so, I broke up with you because you're an asshole. Thomas is my friend, and I don't care what you have to say about it."

"Friend?" Alby licked his lips," Looks like you're just selling yourself out to someone who'll be gone in a few days. You know, that's how it always is with their kind."

"Shut up," Newt said, growing angrier every time he said words towards Thomas. It wasn't fair. Alby didn't know him like he did.

Alby raised a brow, and like the vindictive charm, he tilted his head towards Thomas," Hey, get in my car and I'll supply your habit for a few days. No charge, all of the shit you want just to prove him wrong."

Newt stepped forward with a near growl," Get out of my damn house! Thomas is better than that. Y- You're just a dealer, and that's all you're ever going to be, Alby."

Thomas looked as if he were in pain. Alby could see it, and he ignored Newt's words with a vicious glint," Thomas I'll give you a chance. How long has it been since you've been high?"

_How long had it been?_

When he turned to look at Thomas, his heart almost broke when he saw the conflict in his eyes. He knew he was considering it and that terrified him more than anything. He rushed forward and pushed his hands into Thomas' shirt and pleaded with him to look back into his gaze," Tommy, look at me. You don't need it. You've been so much better without it... I'll-" he let out a rough breath," I'll call the police, okay? If he doesn't leave."

Alby watched them with a calculative gaze," You know, out of all the outcomes after that message was sent... I would have never guessed you'd two be here. It's almost funny."

"I will call the police!" Newt said, harsh and cold, in a way that he'd never spoke to Alby before. "Just leave," he said and his hand fell from Thomas' chest as he turned to look at Alby," Please..."

For a moment, he thought Alby was going to start a fight. He wondered if he had enough space to get to the gun in kitchen drawer, because he'd do absolutely anything at this point. Maybe he couldn't shoot the guy, but a threat would be enough. But then, Alby sighed with great annoyance as he pursed his lips," Okay," he said.

"Okay?" Thomas asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Yeah," Alby said with a grin," I'm not worried. This-" he gestured to the two of them," I give it two weeks before you're at my doors. Don't worry, I won't say I told you so either. I'm just a little curious which of you will come first."

Newt took in a deep breath," We're stronger than that, Alby. You haven't given us much credit. I don't need you, and Thomas certainly doesn't."

Alby waved a hand to dismiss his words," I'll be seeing you," he gave them one last look as he treaded to the front door and bit back another chuckle," You two have a nice night. I hope I didn't ruin your little date." They were the last words Alby spoke before he was shutting the door behind him, leaving them in the remains of their past, like a horrid gyser of memories and sensations to be picked at. He knew if they weren't careful, they'd end up being hurt.

Thomas, after the door had been shut, let out a breath he'd been holding and stumbled to sit in a chair from the kitchen. He wound a hand through his hair and made a pained sound, one that had Newt moving forward. He didn't think. He only knew that his arms wrapped around the man and brought him close to his chest- and after a little while, Thomas clung to him and hid his face. His entire body shook with the offer, Newt knew. To offer an addict a free high was like waving meat in front of a starving dog. It wasn't a pretty picture, but he knew it was how Thomas felt. It affected him like a sickness, one that he so desperately tried to cure with soft words," You're so strong, Tommy," he kneeled to cup his cheeks and wiped a stray tear from his face," You are the strongest person I know."

Thomas took in a deep breath," Then why do I want to chase him?" It came out so soft and sad, that Newt felt his body go weak.

He brushed a strand of Thomas' hair back and whispered gently," Because Tommy, you're an addict... And you listen close, okay? That doesn't mean anything other than the fact you were imprisoned by that high. It doesn't make you weak... And it doesn't make you a bad person. It just is, and I think the fact you're here with me instead of with Alby speaks to how strong you are." He wasn't even sure what he meant by his words, but he believed them. He didn't think Thomas was weak for wanting it. Hell, he understood part of it. 

Thomas closed his eyes," Newt, what am I doing here? I mean, with you? Was this... What is this?"

Newt pulled back," I-" he felt so vulnerable when Thomas opened his eyes to stare at him. "I don't know. I don't know anything. You're-"

"What?" He asked and a little dark humor reached his eyes. He sat up and bit his lip," Was this just something to pass the time?"

God, Newt thought, this was not supposed to have ended like this. He didn't like this at all, and not because Thomas was questioning him, but because he looked just as he had in that parking lot. Lost and hopeless, like nothing would ever make sense and he'd come to accept it. Newt wasn't going to let Alby ruin this, whatever this was. "No," Newt said, quite uncomfortable," I wanted it to be you. Maybe I needed to have a lay, Tommy; but I really wanted it to be you."

It was honest, and Newt had promised a while back he wouldn't ever lie to Thomas. "Yeah?" He chuckled a little, which surprised Newt who had taken a place on his knees in front of Thomas. He watched as his long fingers reached out from where he sat to brush Newt's hair back," You don't have to know anything, alright? It's kind of... a messy situation. I get it, if this was just supposed to be fun."

Newt furrowed his brows, but Thomas continued speaking," I kind of wanted to get laid too." And then he was smiling, even if it seemed to take all of the energy he had left. Newt could see the humor in the situation. Here he was, on his knees before a man he'd whispered his needs for- and he was absolutely positive they would not be continuing for the night.

Newt looked up into his eyes and tried for a smile," Well, I won't kick you out like the others. You can stay and watch a shitty movie in my bed, maybe sneak a few snacks since I'm feeling nice."

Thomas looked up at the ceiling, finally letting out the last breath he'd been keeping along with the inner struggle," You kick out men? Well, that's not really nice."

Newt hit his knee," Tommy, I'm still considering it."

And there that smile was, the one he'd missed even if it had only been gone moments. Newt, in that single moment, knew he was fucked- and not in the way that felt good. It was all down hill from there. They'd somehow made it to the room with their minds still intact, and Thomas fell back against the mattress, looking a little more hesitant than when they'd been about to rip eachothers clothes off. Newt half paid attention to the TV on his dresser, changing it to some re run of a cartoon. 

He moved into the bed and sighed a little," Maybe we stopped ourselves from making a mistake," he said, which caused Thomas to lift his head.

"I just mean, you're one of my best friends... Well, I only have two friends, but I wouldn't want to ruin this," Newt added, and played with the end of his sheet. "Not that I don't think it wouldn't be hot. You were like... Really dominant and we hadn't even-"

"Newt-" Thomas chuckled a little with exasperation," Give me some of the covers. You're being a hog."

"Hey-"

Thomas pulled the sheet suddenly and Newt half turned, his eyes wide with a playful glint," Oh, you like to play rough. I'll have you know, in the middle of the night don't be surprised if you wake up on the floor." This was enough to break the tension, and suddenly it was just Newt and Thomas and the weird way they bickered. Something on the cartoon exploded, and Thomas laughed out loud as he pulled Newt into his waist. He didn't ask, but Newt had no room to complain. His breath hitched in his chest though as he tried to calm himself from the sudden contact. He was so damn warm, and Newt found himself trailing a hand along his arm as he got comfortable.

"You're small," Thomas said against his head.

"Well, you're-" Newt furrowed his brows and moved closer to his side, losing any retort he had as he spoke in defeat," Really comfortable to lie next to."

"That wasn't an insult," Thomas whispered, and his free hand brushed against Newt's side, his thumb moving patterns into his skin just under his shirt. Somehow, this was much more intense than the making out had been. This... Was something Newt had yet to experience, with anyone. It had him wondering if it was possible to cause a heart attack.

"Mmm," Newt hummed, because he had lost all will to fight. His lips pressed against Thomas' side as he closed his eyes and wondered how they'd both ended up here. If someone had told Newt just a few weeks ago he'd be cuddling with this odd stranger, he would had asked what kind of drugs they were on. This was odd, and not even just a little bit, but it was Thomas. Thomas, who had somehow woven himself into Newt's life as an important part to his happiness. Really, could Newt picture being without him now?

He'd meant what he'd said. Thomas was one of his best friends, and now... As he lied there and felt Thomas' fingers through his hair, he wondered what it meant to fall asleep so easily to the sound of his heart.


	14. Dates, Shakes, and Sweet Escapes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff ahead.

Sometimes, when Newt really felt alone he tried to remember the words of his mother just before he'd grown old enough to understand that fairy tales didn't happen in real life. People didn't just go on adventures and fall in love, not in the real world anyways. And yet, he'd met with warm hands as he'd turned in the night, and lips had danced across the back of his neck like a symphony. Each breath played the most beautiful notes, and further touches down his thighs blended into a beat that had started in his chest. He wanted to remain like this, whatever this was. When he awoke though, he found his mid fantasy was cut short by the absence of another man. He furrowed his brows with a frown, reaching to feel that Thomas' warmth still remained on his side. 

So, he hadn't been gone long.

A sudden fear trickled through him when he thought of what had happened last night. He wouldn't have went to Alby's now, would he? He pushed the sheets off himself and trailed down the hall with an aching pain in his chest- one that disintegrated and swelled with relief when he saw him leaned over a rather old coffee machine, muttering a small curse about it's techniques. Newt bit back a smile, and leaned up against the counter with crossed arms," Having trouble?"

"Shit!" Thomas stumbled back and lifted his head with wide, very guilty eyes," I uh-" he straightened up and finally gestured to the machine," I broke it."

"It seems so," Newt said, and he moved forward to determine just how the crime had been committed. He was very well aware his arm brushed up against Thomas', but he figured being this close wasn't against the rules anymore. It looked as if Thomas had tried opening the bottom, and in the process cracked the pot. It was funny, really; but Newt frowned with distaste," Ah, my favorite coffee pot. It was a gift from a french man, quite expensive it is."

"H-" Thomas' swallowed hard," How expensive?"

"Not too much," Newt said, and he really had to hide the grin playing at his lips," Just a few hundred bucks give or take. I'm sure you can pay me back someway." But he couldn't hold it in anymore, because the absolute horror and grief on Thomas' face was too much to bare.

"Oh-" Thomas faltered and as soon as Newt let the smirk slip, he was pushing himself back against the counter with a very deep sigh," Oh god, I thought you were serious until you used that line from basically every porn."

"Tommy, it cost me like three bucks and I found it at a garage sale before moving here," Newt chuckled at his obvious trouble and elbowed him a little," Though it does have me wondering how you've managed to take it out."

"I was just-" Thomas gestured to the dead thing," I was going to make you coffee and then I had this whole idea planned for breakfast, but then it wouldn't brew, so then I thought maybe if I cleaned the inside it would work, but th-"

"You," Newt interrupted without even considering what he was saying," are so adorable."

Thomas nearly sputtered, and god it even made it more true. Newt was considerably unfiltered in the morning. "No-" Thomas said," You're adorable. I'm just-" he flipped the coffee pot over and frowned," I'm just a dude who kills machines apparently."

"I don't even like coffee," Newt said, and he really, really was enjoying the bed hair Thomas was sporting. Everything about him actually, but that was for an entirely different part of his brain, the part that didn't often speak up. When Thomas looked relieved at the idea he hadn't just ruined his mornings, Newt put a hand to his arm," I bought it for Gally, but I guess I should buy a new one since it seems you drink coffee too."

"Wait-" and yes, Newt definitely had been insinuating there would be more mornings like this. He looked up at Thomas innocently enough as the man spoke," Yeah," Thomas finished," Sure, I mean, I don't need it."

And Newt's phone went off suddenly, and he took the time to look away from Thomas to read the contact. Great, he thought. He turned it over on the counter and forced a smile. Thomas raised a brow," You want me to leave, so you can answer that?"

"Nope," Newt said, and he moved to sit down on top of the counter," My dad really thinks talking to me after all this will suddenly put bad blood under the rug, but-" he shrugged a little," I'm fine without him." He wasn't trying to go on a spill about his father, or any of his past anyways. Thomas liked him, and if he wanted to keep this going he knew it would be best to reveal as little as possible. Even if Thomas did know the worst.

"Your dad," Thomas said, and Newt hated how interested he looked," I mean, I remember the memory. I remember your thoughts... I know what it must feel like for someone to not be okay with who you are." He tried for a kind smile, but really it just looked like a request to be kissed- from Newt's perspective anyways.

"Yes, well," Newt cleared his throat, because this might be a little too much before midday. He stretched and plopped himself off the counter," What were your plans for breakfast anyways?" Yes, breakfast. Newt could think about a meal before considering what any of his further actions might mean regarding Thomas. Making out was fine, cuddling was something else, but straight up talking about family issues and old wounds was way too much. He lifted his gaze to Thomas expectantly, hoping that he understood his silent plea.

Thomas nodded a little, and he finished setting the coffee machine onto a rag so it didn't drench the counters with it's leftover water. His shoulders seemed to tense, and Newt furrowed his brows when he half turned to give him a very, uncertain look," I was going to ask you out after coffee, because I think we both got really confused what last night meant, so I was going to make it easier by just being forward."

Newt raised a brow," Forward," he repeated.

Thomas pushed off the counter and got a little more into Newt's space, enough that he could smell the dish soap on his hands and reminisce of coffee ground from where'd he'd tried to save the poor machines life. "I would like to take you on a real date, in a way that could potentially become more. If this scares you, I get it. If you really just want to be friends and last night was for fun, then I will stop right now and respect your wishes."

Well, shit. Newt sort of stood there for a moment, because he hadn't ever expected Thomas to be so... Gentlemanly? Was that a word? He furrowed his brows and sort of froze for a bit. Thomas offered him a gentle smile," Newt, don't worry about saying no. I like being your friend, and if there's a possibility we could be more, you better believe I'll try."

"I-" Newt was finally able to speak, and he peered up at Thomas with wide eyes. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah," Newt said and his lips mustered into a smile even as he felt his heart race quite painfully. There was something in his stomach, an unsettling movement that warmed his entire body. Is that what butterflies were? They didn't feel like damn butterflies. "I would uh, I would like to go on a date."

And the nerves were worth it to see the way Thomas' entire face lit up with joy. 

Minho turned the alarm clock off with a groan, throwing an arm over the body to his side. It had been a long night, but not in the way he'd complain about. It had been full of warmth and stupid jokes, and he was pretty sure at one point he had to ask himself if the coffee had been laced with something. He didn't actually think so, but for the giddiness he'd experienced, it had been quite unlike him. Behind him, someone shifted in the bed and made a soft sigh.

He looked back and smiled a little. Right. They'd definitely done that last night. He stretched as best as he could and nestled further into the heat of a neck, slight stubble tickling him as he pushed forward with his body. Brenda stifled a yawn," Your stupid alarm clock woke me up," she muttered, and Minho could feel the beginning of her fingers run down one of the tattoos on his back.

"It's annoying," Gally said from in front of him, and he half turned to give the alarm clock a tired look. They all moved in quite close, blankets mixed in with a mess of the sheets as limbs wrapped around each other. The room smelt of sex, and he mentally reminded himself to wash the sheets before letting anyone into his room, not that he ever had visitors like that. Last night had been a rather odd and miraculous occurrence. He wasn't even sure how it had happened.

"I'm going to be late opening the shop," Minho warned them. Brenda let out another soft groan in distaste before she was lifting her head to peer at Gally.

"Call in sick," Gally said, a small smirked etching it's way onto his features. He propped himself up with an elbow and trailed his fingers along Minho's chest," We'll make it up to you. Someone else can go in early."

Brenda pressed her lips into his neck and whispered," We'll even let you be on top this time."

And that, well that was definitely enough to call in.

Newt stuffed his phone into his pocket, ignoring another call from his father in the last hour. He tried to not appear affected, especially since Thomas was at his side as they walked along the sidewalk of the city. It had rained last night, so the morning dew was painted with a fresh scent and the clouds still had the lingering grey that Newt actually found quite beautiful. He didn't much like sunny days.

"So definitely not Denny's," Thomas was saying, and Newt snorted at the idea. What was wrong with Denny's? When Newt had asked, Thomas surprised him with a little comment about getting high and ruining a family event that involved breaking a fast. He didn't push for more, but he was definitely curious how that one had went down.

"So... Maybe a cafe?" Newt offered.

"Yeah," Thomas said, and he stopped a little with an absolute shameful expression. Newt faltered in his steps, wondering if he'd somehow missed something on the walk over.

"I uh..." Thomas bit his lip," I have twenty dollars... I think that should cover it, right?"

 _Oh_ , Newt thought. He wasn't about to let him feel guilty for being unprepared, especially since he was still waiting for a job. Newt moved towards him and offered his hand, a gesture he rarely ever made for the men he was talking too. If ever. Thomas furrowed his brows, still with that pained look, and reached forward to take Newt's hand. "You need to stop worrying before I kiss you as a distraction." He'd meant the small tease as a distraction itself, and with the way Thomas' gaze lifted to Newt's face, he knew it had been successful.

"Well then I should probably worry more-" Thomas said, and Newt was rolling his eyes as they fell into step again. He had to keep himself from letting out an audible gasp when their fingers intertwined, like boyfriends, or something. Newt wondered suddenly if people actually walked to dates together hand in hand or if this was strictly out of a sap romance.

During his day, he had learned alot about sap romance. They'd ventured into a little shake shop instead, the kind that offered burgers but really made a profit off the high sugar contents of their drinks. Thomas looked out of his element, but it wasn't a bad thing. It was strange how his earlier annoyance with Thomas' demeanor had changed into sort of an affection. Now when Thomas pointed at the obvious deal on milkshakes, Newt offered him up a fond smile. They'd ordered fries, because apparently Thomas had yet to taste the wonderful mixture. He'd found out that he'd yet to try alot of things and each one Newt made a mental note of.

It was like watching someone learn how to live, and Newt tried to hide the obvious interest as Thomas dipped a fry in his swirl of oreo cheesecake. "It's American," Newt said," Gally made me try it too."

Thomas made a face," It ... tastes weird."

Newt pushed his shake in front of him, just as the waitress passed to clean a new table. "Try it with vanilla."

Thomas looked a bit apprehensive, but he dipped his fry and tasted the sugar and salt blend and made a soft noise as he swallowed. Newt bit back a grin, because clearly he'd been victorious in choices. "Not bad," Thomas said, and he smirked a little as he held his shake towards Newt," Next time I'll get the vanilla."

Next time. Newt tried not to appear giddy at the thought of that, and averted his gaze when the waitress eyed them with a knowing look. It was the kind of look you'd give two high school kids absolutely drooling over another, despite the horrid world society portrayed. At least they weren't sharing a drink, now that would be a bit too sweet for his liking. Not that he minded how the day was turning, it was just really new. He didn't think either of them had actually experienced a proper date.

Halfway into their spur on fries, Thomas had leaned forward to speak," So, Minho was thinking about holding a game night at our place if you're interested. It's supposed to be like uno, or something. He also asked if Gally could come."

"The two were sending quite the looks at the bonfire," Newt pointed with interest. He took a drink of his shake and savored the icy texture.

"Really?" Thomas furrowed his brows," I saw him flirting with Brenda."

"Brenda, is it?" Newt shrugged a little and set his shake aside. He could see it happening. Gally was a flirt when he wanted to be, but it had been a while since he'd settled down into a relationship. "Well good luck to her. I've known the guy forever and he can be..." He tried to find the words," difficult." Right, that worked.

"You're telling me," Thomas said," He's threatened me three times."

"In his defense," Newt gestured to himself," I have a very bad track record with men. And I mean, being shot might have made him a little more tense." Downright motherly, in fact. Thomas looked towards his arm and sighed a little. He'd seen him move it recently, but it looked like it still pained him too. Where Newt had come pretty much recovered, he had the constant reminder that someone had tried to end their lives.

"Well, maybe he'll grow to like me."

Newt moved his leg to brush up against his as an encouraging gesture, and Thomas immediately nudged him back as he sucked on the edge of his straw. How beautiful, he was. His dark hair curling at the edge of his ears and his full lashes lowering as he seemed to speculate on the presentation of his shake. How soft Newt felt, when he was thinking of spending the rest of the day with Thomas.

"I did," Newt said," I grew to like you alot."

When the sun hit its highest peak, Newt treaded to his door a little slower. Why not savor the moment he had? He couldn't help but keep his gaze on the taller man, who looked as reluctant to leave as Newt was hoping. They'd taken a detour down to a park, admiring what the cool weather brought. The flowers were still in high bloom despite the overall turn of season, and Thomas had taken a step off the path to eye the ducks that waddled across the small pond. It was the best part of the city, where homes felt real and people only came to get fresh air. There was no bickering or high traffic, and for a moment he thought what it would be like to live in a small town where everyone knew everyone.

"That one reminds me of you," Newt had said and he'd pointed to one of the baby ducks that was jumping all over the place and on top of his siblings. 

Thomas beamed at the little guy," Hey buddy, don't be so annoying. It'll be hard to find a date."

Newt snorted and ran a hand along the muscle of Thomas' arm," You're a dork."

And Thomas had looked at him, with something so effortless and gentle that he'd leaned into kiss him on the lips. It was soft and careful, and it was met with kind eyes and another kiss, until they were just standing there and soaking in each other's presence.

Newt wanted more time, but he wasn't about to hold Thomas prisoner. He had a meeting to attend, one he knew was important to his recovery. When their hands fell apart, Thomas leaned further in the hug that lasted longer than hugs were supposed too. "I'll see you tomorrow at game night?"

"Maybe," Newt teased.

"Maybe," Thomas repeated, and he pressed another sweet kiss to Newt's lips that had him smiling like an idiot," I can do a maybe."


	15. Uno Goes Hard

Frypan stretched out on the couch, his arms lifted up as he let out a low whistle. He'd gotten there an hour early to go over some step work, and Thomas had eaten up every word. He'd kind of been taken in by him, and with six years clean under his belt, he knew his way around the literature. In a way, Thomas already considered him his sponsor, and he hoped he didn't have to come right out and ask at this point. He furrowed his brows now and peered at words in the "Just for the day".

Thomas found his place again and began reading out loud, a little hesitant at first because speaking in general about literature was a little intimidating. He took in a deep breath and read, "Do we really want to be rid of our resentments, our anger, our fear? Many of us cling to our fears, doubts, self-loathing or hatred because there is a certain distorted security in familiar pain. It seems safer to embrace what we know than to let go of it for fear of the unknown."

Minho looked up from his burger and swallowed a piece, offering Brenda a fry who bit into it with a small smirk. Thomas would ignore that look they were sharing now for the sake of sanity. He cleared his throat a little and Frypan offered him a smile," So this kind of plays into what we were talking about earlier. Every addict is frightened about something with recovery, but it's a normal reaction. We are so set in our ways, that even the negative becomes a comfort zone."

"Right," Thomas said with a nod, and he bit his lip," How do we get rid of that?"

Frypan chuckled with a fond tone to his voice," Well, it's actually pretty important to experience. Growth is always uncomfortable because you have to step out of that comfort. If you don't feel the tension, then you're probably not walking the right way."

Thomas slumped in his chair a little, and Frypan offered him an encouraging squeeze to his shoulder," Hey you're doing really well. Let's just wrap this chapter up and we can start on step work next time we meet."

"This isn't part of the steps?" Thomas asked with hesitation.

Frypan pat his shoulder as his hand slipped to rest on the back of the couch," All in due time Thomas." 

The knock at the door had Minho raising from his chair. Brenda bit her lip as he let Newt and Gally in, and Thomas lifted himself from his seat to greet the blonde with a sheepish grin. What now? If they kissed goodbye did that mean Newt was okay with kissing him hello? Or was that just part of the moment? Moving with nerves, he offered him a half hug and he hoped to God Newt didn't feel how fast his heart was racing from it as they pulled apart.

"Hey," Thomas said, and he definitely wasn't pulling off this casual act. He leaned up against the wall and Newt lifted his head to peer into his eyes. Newt was pretty seductive just standing there. He wore a loose tank, and the skinny jeans he wore clung to his long legs in a way that reminded him of how they felt wrapped around his waist. He bit his lip and tried to find other words," I am so glad you came."

"Well," Newt shrugged a little," I thought I'd check up on you. Make sure you weren't destroying any other coffee machines."

Thomas laughed and Gally had already made it towards the table to plop down in between Brenda and Minho. He half paid them attention as he led Newt further into the house, allowing himself to slip a hand along his back. It wasn't much, but he found touching Newt almost came too easy. Frypan eyed the two and shook his head with a knowing grin," Hey Newt."

"Frypan, did you get my message?"

Thomas furrowed his brows as he pulled out a chair for Newt," Message?"

"He added me on snapchat earlier," Newt informed, and Thomas wondered when the hell they'd even exchanged information. He situated himself in his own seat and they all crowded around a deck of cards as he chanced a glance in Newt's direction; Newt, the pretty blonde he was still trying to figure out. It wasn't enough that they'd been on a date, because it was still pretty confusing on where they stood. Newt wasn't exactly outspoken on things he felt, unless it was anger or annoyance. He was pretty loud about those.

"I'm just saying-" Gally cut off when he realized the table was a little silent and pulled away from Brenda with a chuckle," Oh? Were we starting?"

Minho rolled his eyes, but there was something playful in them as he shuffled the deck in his hands. "If you two were done flirting," he said, shooting Brenda and Gally a look. Gally seemed to bite back a smirk, though Thomas had already turned to glance at Newt again only to find he was already staring.   
  
"I'm trying to see your weakness," Newt whispered with narrowed eyes," So I can make you cry when you lose at Uno."

Thomas really couldn't hold his grin back, because _holy fucking shit-_ Newt was small and cute, and he really wanted him to win at Uno. He propped his chin up with his fist and tried to play it cooler than he had at the door," Yeah? Well sorry Newt, but I don't have any weaknesses."

"The level of flirting already going on around this table is concerning," Frypan commented to himself, who was the only one that seemed to not be staring at anyone directly.

Minho rubbed his hands together after giving out the cards, and Thomas knew exactly what was coming next."Alright let's ante up," Minho said and he gestured to the center of the table, because what was a game of uno if you didn't lose respect for your friends and fifty bucks?

Brenda rolled her eyes and pushed a hand under her chin," This isn't poker."

"No, but close enough." Minho reached down in his pockets for some loose change and let it clang to the table before reaching for his wallet on the kitchen counter. "Someone put some cash down."

Gally rummaged around and put crumpled bills in the pile with a shrug," I have like four dollars on me." 

Minho eyed him with a raised brow, and Gally could only shrug a little helplessly. Thomas watched the entire ordeal unfold when his friend glanced down at Gally's wrist," A nice watch will do too."  
  
Newt leaned forward with a smirk as Gally began to undo his watch, meeting Minho's challenging gaze. It was a nice watch, one that was very well worth three hundred dollars if Thomas knew anything about them. He half expected the joke to end when Newt slid his to the table. When Thomas' eyes widened, the blonde shrugged with ease," I believe in my natural talent."

Thomas' hand went for the only valuable thing he had on his neck, his mother's ring. "I... don't." He would lose more than a ring with his luck, and he honestly wasn't that confident about cheating either.

Minho picked up his stack of cards and began to slide through them," Come on Thomas, let's be fair." 

"Yeah," Frypan shook his head as he undid his watch," I feel like this breaks some kind of rule from the program, but count me in." He smiled a little at the group as he set his down, because if the most reasonable person there was playing, then Thomas was inclined to follow. He leaned back in his chair with a deep sigh before setting his ante into the pot.

And what happened next, will be told in the history of this world. As Merlin stood a myth, they would become legends... In the most intense game of uno to ever be played without involving alcohol. Half way into another round, Thomas leaned down to read his cards while pushing his foot up against Newt, who returned the little nudge with a sigh.

"Stop trying to play footsie with me in order to distract me," Newt whispered, his cards clutched to his chest.

Thomas bit back a grin," What?" He asked out loud," Are you accusing me of cheating?"

Brenda eyed them as she finished organizing her cards. She was half leaned into Gally, who shielded his cards with his hand," Your flirting is distracting me," she told them through a mumble.

Gally snorted," Like you're any better." As soon as he'd said it, Minho had lifted his gaze to look at him, and then they were both looking at Brenda- Thomas furrowed his brows when they all turned to stare in an opposite direction.

"Uno..." Frypan said to the side, and everyone's eyes widened when they realized he was already close to winning. Everyone stiffened in their chairs and then leaned forward with a more intense demeanor. The game became a series of points, the highest score of 500 would take it all, and Frypan had just won two in a row.

Halfway into the third, Gally whipped his head to stare at Minho," Bullshit!" He called, even as he was being given four extra cards," There is no freaking way you had all the plus fours."

Minho blew on his cards and tilted his head towards the man, a sly smirk evident in his features. "Look handsome," Minho said casually," I'm just gifted." Except, Thomas found it very flirtatious looking. Newt kind of nudged him with his arm and made a small 'I told you so' gesture before retreating back to his space to analyze his next moves. Thomas was sure he was losing because of the amount of time he'd stolen glances from the side.

It didn't matter in the end, because Frypan put his last card on the table and they all erupted in a frenzy of disappointed sighs. Frypan shook his head with a soft chuckle," Alright, everyone grab their shit. I don't need four new watches-" he squinted a little," And two bucks?"

Thomas bit his lip," I changed my ante in the middle of the game when I thought I might lose."

Gally pointed at him, but it didn't hold any malice," Now that's cheating. You're lucky I caught Minho twice."

Newt stifled a laugh, and realized how relaxed he'd become in the middle of the game. Thomas had been playing dirty, he knew. Every time he felt he may win, he'd feel his leg brush up against his under the table and when he'd looked over at Thomas he'd be hiding a playful smirk with his fist. It was certainly a game, though eventually Frypan said his goodbyes and hugged Thomas in parting, but not before muttering something in his ear. Newt didn't miss how it made his cheeks go red.

Gally had grabbed a sparkling water from the fridge and took a place on the couch, looking more comfortable than he would have first assumed was possible with their new group. Newt smiled at that too, because he wasn't sure when they'd suddenly all started being friends. When he stood up, Thomas reached for his arm and whispered," Do you want to hang in my room for a little? Or do you think Gally will be in a rush?"  
  
Newt turned towards his friend and shrugged a little," He can wait a few minutes." That, and he was truly curious what Thomas' room looked like. He knew before he'd been hanging around the abondos, and this was an entirely new concept in his life. Newt wondered if he'd even had a bed before, but he tried not to think too much into the past. He let Thomas lead him to the back, where he pushed open a door to reveal a timid room with a mattress along the corner. He had an old desk with books stacked neatly, some pens opened and crumpled paper near a waste basket. The curtains were shut to hide any light that may filter in, but there was a dim lamp that revealed the rather empty room. It wasn't like he'd had time to shop or even wanted to, so Newt wouldn't blame him for the lack of decor.

"It's uh... Not much," Thomas said, seemingly more hesitant than before as he watched Newt look around. 

He stopped at the desk and let his fingers glide amongst the book titles. He tilted his head with a surprised look when he found ones he recognized," You read Shakespeare?"

Thomas leaned up against the wall with a shrug," I mean..." His fingers came to rub along his neck," I used to be up three days straight all the time. I had to find a hobby."

 _Right_. Newt pursed his lips and let his fingers fall from the books, only to find more of his interest. He half turned to Thomas, who'd found a place on the bed, looking as if he were awaiting the final vote to his judgement. He hated how Thomas could assume there was anything unworthy to judge. "You know how to pick them," he informed. 

"It's not that interesting," Thomas said, and he twisted the ring along his finger with a deep breath.

Newt took this moment to step in front of him, admiring the new cologne he was wearing and the way he could see his freckles this close, each one a blessing from an angel that had passed it's whispered words between a soft embrace. He lowered a hand to the nape of his neck, " Everything about you is interesting, Tommy." 

Thomas stared into his eyes with a look of disbelief, as if Newt had any reason to lie now. Newt rose his hand to trail his thumb along Thomas' bottom lip without thinking. It was funny, how he often just did what he wanted with Thomas now without thinking of the consequences. What would happen if every new touch made his chest feel full like it had sleeping beside him or going on the little date? How far could he develop these feelings before they swallowed him?

He attempted to pull his hand away at that, but Thomas took a hold of it and raised it to his lips again for a soft kiss into his palm. It was gentle, and yet if felt far more dangerous than anything he'd ever done with Alby. 

_Why?_

_"_ What are you thinking about so hard, Newt?" Thomas was still watching him, a cute tension in between his brows as he tried to read his face. Newt was brought to reality at hand, and it didn't actually help clear anything. He liked touching Thomas and he liked being with him, so why did he feel so freaking confused?

"You mostly," Newt said, and he had tried to add humor but it fell flat. "I just- I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly good at these sorts of things."

Thomas leaned forward and Newt could see the way he was trying to understand, but he wasn't sure if it would be better or worse if he did. He took in a deep breath, and Thomas waited patiently, because he was good like that. When Newt still couldn't find the right words, Thomas tried himself. "Dating?" He asked, and the word in itself was _a lot._

 _"_ Yes," Newt said in a whisper," I mean, the date was fine. You're fine, more than fine-" he was really trying to not sound like a babbling idiot," It's just a lot."

He half expected Thomas to grow frustrated at how back and forth he was, so he was surprised when Thomas offered him a smile. _This man was a saint. "_ Newt," he chuckled and reached for the hand that had dropped," It's okay."

_Was it?_

"I'm not exactly sure about this either," Thomas sighed as the words left and he cleared his throat," Nope. That's not what I meant. I'm definitely sure that I want to do this with you, I just don't know how. Which is okay, because I think the whole point is figuring it out together."

Newt raised a brow," Well, when you say it like that I feel like an arse backing out."

"Do you want too?" Thomas asked, and he sort of brought his hand back and shifted on his bed. It was clear he wasn't comfortable, but Newt figured they were doing it together as he'd said.

Newt shrugged a little, and he was honest with his response. He was always honest with Thomas. "Kind of, but I know I'll just end up alone at home waiting to get over myself and call you like an idiot. I also don't want you flirting with anyone else and I'd very much like to go on dates, or to just have you in my bed sometimes. If that's what being in a relationship is, I guess it isn't as complicated as I've made it in my head."

"Sounds like you've thought this through," Thomas said, almost in a teasing way, but still with the carefulness to his gaze.

"Of course I have," Newt said in defeat," I like you."

Thomas bit back a grin," Then let's just keep it simple. We like each other. No labels, no expectations... Just this." He tried to catch Newt's gaze," Okay?"

With another long and deep breath, Newt finally lifted his head to nod," Okay." 

_It would take Newt no more than a week to realize it was never that simple, and one could not refrain from falling deeper into the space that was another person._

It started with Target. It was a simple shopping trip, one where Thomas was searching for khakis to wear for his job, which coincidentally enough was at _Target._ He'd gotten his things in order and found they paid better than the Cafe, and now he just needed to look the part. Newt pushed the cart and eyed a rack on the clearance isle," You see, they've the cutest things there. I don't understand how no one's bought them."

"That dress is cute," Thomas muttered a little, and when Newt turned to him he saw the wide smirk he had.

Newt rolled his eyes," I'd never wear a dress."

"You'd look hot," Thomas said in a whisper, and he touched the fabric and eyed Newt to size him up. Newt grabbed a bag of reese's and tossed it at his side.

"I will literally murder you," Newt warned," And pick up my reese's. I'm making a pie tonight."

Thomas perked up at the mention of pie and dragged the bag to the moving cart. Shopping with Thomas had been a rather new experience, the kind he'd only ever considered people with children had. He was half startled when Thomas wrapped both his arms around him from behind and stopped the cart to a slow roll," If you're making a pie we should pick up some whip cream from the market."

Newt leaned back with a deep sigh, and he felt the sudden soft kiss along his neck," Tommy, come on. We need khakis. We are here for-"

"Khakis," Thomas whispered in his ear.

"At this rate, I think I'll punish you by forever keeping my clothes on," Newt said half turned, just as an older man passed with a bag of one dollar goodies. He eyed them both with a grunt and shake of the head.

"Well, that doesn't seem fair," Thomas had said. He'd half noticed they were stopped in the middle of the isle when Newt had leaned forward to kiss him, just for the man's sake. He pushed forward and pulled on Thomas' hair before stepping back.

"Khakis," Newt reminded. And at this point, Thomas could only nod with obedience.

_Newt knew well by now that he was fucked._


	16. Target

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Throwing in a shorter chapter for the night. Plan to get some good plot in soon ;p

"I could just fucking take him right here on this counter," Jessica said with a great longing. Her blonde hair was dyed pink and purple, the same color as the bubble gum she was always chewing. Marie, the natural red head, leaned up against her register and raised a brow at the man they were stalking.

"Hm, he looks too innocent to be into it," She noted just as Thomas greeted an elderly couple and began bagging the small items they had. He seemed to share a joke, because the woman swatted playfully at him and her husband burst out in laughter.

"Even better," Jessica said, and she fixed her bangs in the small mirror to make sure she was presentable before clearing her throat and gesturing for Marie to do the same. Marie eyed her and shrugged, as she always did. _Fucking useless_ , Jessica thought. "Alright, cover my register."

As Jessica began to trail towards Thomas, Marie half noted that she didn't know how she'd cover her own. It was all out one ear though when Jessica had a plan. She'd hate to not make a move and he be taken by some customer or something. That would really suck. When she made the walk, the elderly couple were rolling out the doors with their things, and Thomas was smiling fondly at them like a lost little boy. That's when she noticed another customer push their cart into his lane. She rolled her eyes and leaned up against the bag of chips to wait, occasionally looking down to make sure her nails were clean.

"Oh?" Thomas raised a brow, and she lifted her head to eavesdrop without being obvious.

He held a bottle of lotion in hand, to which the blonde customer hit it," Don't be dirty Thomas."

 _Oh, so they knew eachother._ Jessica bit her lip, wondering if she'd find out anything useful about her new crush. Maybe he'd spill on dark secrets while scanning the twenty things he had in his basket.  
  
"Newt," Thomas said and he stopped at a pile of movies," I am not watching another action movie if it doesn't involve aliens."

"They're on sale," Newt, or whatever the hell that name was supposed to be, said with importance. He leaned forward along the register and pointed to one in particular," This one involves a bunch of robots that take over the world. The lead actor is-"

"I've seen it, not that good." Thomas said, but he was smiling wide, like the entire idea was the best damn thing in the world. She didn't miss how he threw them all carelessly into the bag. _Must not have been that good of an idea._  
  
"Like you even care. You always do the same exact thing every time we watch a movie," Newt said, and Jessica raised a brow. Was he actually going to leave any time soon? The items had been rung up after all. She sighed and checked her watch, but it didn't give her much information other than the fact her shift was about to end. She could always chat him up before walking out.

"Can't blame a guy for trying."

Newt snorted," I can and I am. You're a perv."

Thomas smirked and leaned in towards him to whisper something. She didn't catch it, but suddenly the blonde was pulling back with red cheeks and he was fumbling for his wallet in his pocket. Her eyes widened a little when three condoms fell out of it, and he bent down to pick them up with an even worse expression. What she hadn't been expecting was for Thomas to stare at the ground with a dropped jaw.

_Virgin?_ Oh, he had to be with a look like that. Why el- she whipped her head back when Thomas leaned forward to kiss him, quick like he'd been half worried someone may catch them. It's not like the managers cared, or Jessica for that matter. She popped a bubble and grumbled," Ugh, well that sucks."

No wonder he wore his jeans so tight.

  
At the end of Thomas' shift he grabbed his back pack, the one he carried everywhere just in case he needed a change of clothes. It happened alot lately, with him getting a ride from Newt to spend the night at his place. He'd just gotten a car, and as beat up as it was, he would never complain if it meant they didn't have to ride with Gally all the time. No offense to him, he just had a lot of jokes to crack.

Thomas fixed his hair in the mirror and stepped outside of the store with a cigarette in hand. He lit it and leaned back against the brick wall with a wide ass grin, because Newt clearly had other things in mind if today had anything to do with it. To be clear, they weren't boyfriends or anything. Newt didn't like labels and it worked just fine as early as it was into their... agreement. Still, Thomas had a boyfriend even if that said boyfriend didn't want to admit it.

He took a drag and tried to fight his grin to no avail. Condoms. Newt had definitely not had condoms in his wallet a week ago. He'd know, he'd used his card more times than he could count. Normally it was for gas station snacks when Newt didn't want to bother walking himself, but he'd definitely seen enough to know the layout of his wallet.  
  
"You're gay," Jessica said suddenly and he nearly jumped out of surprise.

"Uh-" Thomas furrowed his brows," Yes?" He smashed his cigarette into the wall and hoped Newt might show soon. He didn't want to have a conversation that might leave him being insulted by a new co worker.

"That's shit," she said with crossed arms," I was going to ask you out, but I guess it's cool. That blonde is cute."

"Yeah," Thomas said. This... felt weird.

She stared at him with the same, unaffected expression. For a while it seemed the conversation was over, but then she spoke up," You smoke pot?"

"No," He said, and he fixed the strap on his bag for something to do," I don't do drugs."

"Too cool?"

"Recovering addict," he said, and he had no actual idea why he told her the truth. She was intimidating, but not in the way that was normal. It was like she had some psychic ability to make someone as uncomfortable as possible. He blinked back when car lights flickered his way, and be sighed in relief when he saw Newt's car. "I should go..."

Jessica eyed the car and shrugged, popping another bubble with her gum," Good conversation. See you later Thomas." She walked off past the store and towards a car in the back, leaving him quite baffled. She was unique?

He got into his seat and situated his bag onto the floor with a sigh, just as Newt reached to turn the radio off. He turned a little and glanced down at the way he twisted his ring," Something happen at work?"

"Yeah," Thomas said, clicking the belt into place," but I'm not entirely sure what to call it."

Newt lowered a hand to his knee and squeezed a little, and suddenly Thomas didn't feel so weird about his fellow co workers. It was hard to think about anything when Newt was touching him. He smiled as he leaned forward," I think she was hitting on me..."

"Oh?" Newt closed the gap and pressed his lips against Thomas', sharing the taste of burts and bees chapstick. It had a vanilla that lingered and Thomas was half tempted to taste into his mouth for the overall familiarity that brought more than enough balance to the hectic world around them. He pulled back to see Newt start the car with his free hand," I should have blown you at your register. She would have gotten the point."

Thomas' nearly chocked in surprise," Wow, okay. I'm going to get a boner tomorrow in the middle of the day and it's going to be your fault."

Newt smirked," Definitely worth it. Less embarrassing than dropping condoms on the floor as a family walks in."

"It wasn't that embarrassing," Thomas tried, growing hot all over at the ideas that swarmed in his head. He let Newt begin the drive to his place and slouched a little in his seat to casually adjust himself as best he could without touching anything. He was silent for a while until he couldn't help it anymore," So when did you buy them?"

Newt slammed the brakes just as the light turned red and let out a low curse under his breath. He lowered his head to the steering wheel. "Gally gave them to me. I swear I wasn't planning on jumping you or anything."

Thomas moved to get more comfortable in his seat, but found it impossible," You know I really wasn't opposed to the first time you did that. At all. I welcomed it." If only Alby hadn't ruined it with his whole presence.

It had been weird actually. Newt, who's definitely been all for it, hadn't brought it up since. Not that Thomas would ever push anything, he just had been expecting a little more when they'd finally agreed to not define things but basically become a couple. He wondered if that was why they hadn't. It hadn't been a lack of trying either, they'd made out every chance they were alone, and sometimes they'd end up bare chested and hot in their underwear. It just... hadn't progressed. He almost thought Newt might think he wasn't into it. 

"I know," Newt said, sounding a little guilty," I just don't want you to have these high expectations, because... Well you know."

Thomas raised a brow," I know?"

The light turned green and Newt pushed on the gas," Since I was uh-" he moved a hand to gesture vaguely," Experienced. With men. I mean, maybe more than a few?"

Thomas leaned back in his seat," I don't think you're a porn star, Newt."

"Well thanks-"

"I just meant that experienced or not, I'm not worried if it'll be good. I mean, it's you-" Thomas said," You brush your teeth and I'm literally on edge."

Newt snorted and laughed, shaking his head," That's weird."

"You know what I mean," Thomas ran a hand along his thigh, and he loved the fact he could see Newt fidget a little in the passing lights of the streets. "I haven't ever worried about being good before you either. Only because I didn't give a shit, now it's like- don't disappoint him or he'll never invite you back over."

"That's absurd," Newt said.

"See." Thomas smiled wide and squeezed his thigh," That's exactly how I feel. There's nothing to prove. I like you, more than I like your pies, and you see the way I scarf those down."

Newt turned on his street and let out a deep breath," You're trying to convince me to sleep with you by using a comparison towards pies..."

Okay, yes. Thomas had, but for very good reasons. Newt was attractive, like the kind of attractive that may be deemed illegal in some countries. It was only logical that Thomas would want to experience every part of that, especially since they were secret boyfriends. If everyone was in on that secret but Newt, then so be it. He shrugged a little," We can wait as long as you want too though. I'm patient."

Newt huffed in disbelief," You're the least patient person I know."

And that, was a challenge. One Thomas took quite seriously despite it being a tease. But he did, simply because he didn't just like Newt. He wouldn't voice his overall feelings so soon, but they were more than a need to get off, wether the blonde wanted to believe it or not. He'd wait, he was good at waiting. Thomas would be the best damn patient boyfriend possible, at least until Newt begged. God, he wondered what he sounded like when he begged.  



	17. Sex is not an answer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Sexual shit
> 
> Also thanks for reading!!

It was cold, and not the kind that fell silent even as the traffic picked up and birds swooped down to feast on the left over garbage people always left along benches. It wasn't silent at all. There was an old re run of some 80's show, where a laughing track played every time the main character smiled in the direction of the camera with a hand on their hip. It was cold in a way that brought Thomas into the living room with a thick blanket while he tried to not spill the cocoa he'd made. It was cold in the way he searched for Newt's arm underneath the pile of warmth and leaned into his neck as he worked away on some article that was due by the end of the week.

It was the anniversary of the group in two days, a week away from what would be a month clean. It... was a lot. He was happy though, real happy. Even if the show had some shit dialogue and constant commercials that didn't even apply to the year. He leaned back with a sigh," So, Minho has been acting weird lately."

Newt didn't look up from the laptop propped up on his knees," More so than usual?"

"Yeah, I think he has a secret chic in his room sometimes. He never locks his door," he pointed, half watching the characters grow frantic over a missing bowl of soup for a barbecue.

"You should really knock anyways," Newt said.

Thomas ran his fingers along Newt's arm and when he still didn't look to him he whispered innocent enough," I think he's sleeping with Gally."

They'd joked about it, but Newt really hadn't been sure. Thomas watched as he shut his laptop and eyed him with a half narrowed gaze," Oh? You see, this is the stuff you're supposed to tell me as soon as you find out. It's top priority."

"Well, I can't be sure," Thomas shrugged and reached for his cocoa in which he sipped like an elderly woman, careful and with great respect. He made a soft sound of satisfaction and noticed how Newt was watching him with great expectation. "Sorry, did you want some?"

"No," Newt pushed the covers off after setting his laptop onto the coffee table. He could use a break anyways. "I want you to tell me why you think Gally is sleeping with Minho. I've seen it, he's been acting super weird. You know he cancelled on me two times this week?" 

Thomas wasn't sure why it was so important to know who was sleeping with who, because he could only really think about the fact who he wasn't sleeping with. He threw an arm over the back of the couch and shrugged," I mean... I definitely heard a yawn when Minho opened the door."

Newt rubbed his face with a sigh, throwing his head back against the couch's arm. He pushed his feet into Thomas' lap, who moved to put his cup down with a clank. He welcomed the sudden contact though, noticing Newt had been more inclined to show small affections now. His hand brushed up against his knee and he squeezed it gently. "You're basing your assumptions off of a yawn?" Newt asked suddenly, holding a hand out in a gesture of disbelief.

"Gally's yawn," Thomas said while he drew small circles into his sweats.

Newt groaned with a soft chuckle," Ugh, you're not Sherlock Holmes."

Thomas bit back a grin, "I got the addict part down."

Newt lifted his head to stare at him in exactly the same way he did after cracking a joke in public. Disappointment? " That's not funny." And really, Thomas couldn't help the fact he had the sudden urge to kiss his frown away. He had the urge to kiss alot of things away though, so maybe it could be helped. He didn't think much into it as he pushed himself forward to hover over the blonde with one hand outstretched above his head. It had Newt letting out a soft gasp, and he could already began to see the pink forming along his cheek bones.

"I think it's really funny," Thomas whispered into his neck, and his lips found the place that always had Newt pushing his head back for more, some times even causing him to wound his fingers through Thomas' hair. Newt made a soft noise as he bit down into a place he sucked a mark, his body rolling forward into his under the blanket.

_What a perfect way to find warmth on a cold day,_ Thomas thought.

"Y-" Newt's fingers found their place and pulled gently on the messy strands," You're never funny." Thomas didn't miss how he hitched his hips forward for more friction. He moved from his neck to kiss along his jaw until he felt warm lips meet his own with eagerness. They were so close, but in that moment he feared he could never fully satisfy the lack of distance he craved. Even as he let his fingers play with the band of Newt's sweats, a tantalizing display for the heavy breathed blonde, Thomas wondered if he would ever have enough.

"I-" Newt's fingers dug into the fabric covering Thomas' shoulders, just as a tender kiss was left along his stomach where his shirt had been raised. "I should get back to work."

Thomas raised a brow from where he'd positioned himself. "Work? All hot and bothered, Newt?" He knew his tone was teasing and unfair, but he couldn't find it in himself to care at the moment. Newt was a temptress with his long legs opened to give room for his body, and his hands clinging to him for dear life.

"I'm very serious," Newt said, pleading like a martyrdom who knew what fate they'd accept. And what fate was as intolerable as allowing such vulnerability into a gaze that did not stray? Thomas pushed himself up to look him in the eyes and he knew they followed as he pressed for a gentle kiss. 

"Do you trust me?" He whispered low.

"You'll be disappointed."

Thomas curled a hand into the side of Newt's thigh," No I won't. I promise-"

"Not that," Newt insisted, lifting himself up to bare the strain of kept secrets. "I still do it. I still cut myself."

And it all made sense then. Newt lowered his gaze as a hand swept across his inner thigh, the parts Thomas had yet to see of him. He cleared his throat when he found the words stuck and tried to not allow emotion in his voice as to not worry the beautiful blonde. He failed miserably. "Newt... Why? I mean, why didn't you tell me?"

"You're doing so well in your recovery, that I didn't want you to think I was weak." It was the most honest he thought that Newt had ever been with him. Of course, how could they have ever went farther and had this conversation so early into the beginning of trust? Thomas didn't blame him.

"You're not weak," Thomas said," but I don't want you hurting yourself. I'd rather you watch me bleed."

Newt's features twisted into a scowl," No, I'm not doing that to you again. You shouldn't have to be hurt for something like that."

Thomas let out a sigh, with great fondness and a desperate need for Newt to understand," That's exactly how I feel. I don't want you hurt." When Newt looked away, he had a sudden need to make him smile again. He raised his hand to brush along his cheek," Promise me you'll tell me next time?"

"I guess," Newt said, still looking off to the window, shutting away the world that shun much too bright. The cold air was forgotten now, but Thomas felt his fingers yearn for warmth all the same. "Can we just... Talk about something else?"

Thomas dropped his hand and situated himself back into his proper space. He wouldn't push Newt, and if a guess was all he'd get, it was good enough for now. "Well, I think this is really important to talk about, but as long as you trust me-"

"I'd just like to blow you," Newt said with such grace that the filth of the statement nearly passed Thomas completely. 

He stopped a little and his eyes widened with disbelief," I- You what?" He hadn't just heard that.

Newt shrugged the blanket off of them and turned to adjust his position, his hands pulling on his belt and going for the top button with ease," Would you prefer me on the floor?" He lifted his head mid movement to stare at Thomas and rolled his eyes when he must have still looked fazed," It'll make me feel better, Tommy. If I have to describe the semantics that go into that, I might change my mind."

Thomas slouched back," You really don't have too-"

Newt mouthed at where his head was pressed against his briefs from the opening of his jeans, where he was hot and procuring pre cum from before. Newt looked amused almost, but Thomas could only clutch against the chair's arm in shock at the given sensation. Newt seemed pretty damn sure.

"Don't be a baby. I'm sure you've had your dick in someone's mouth before," Newt teased, and being freed from his prisonment revealed his embarrassing predicament. He was already painfully hard already from the making out alone, but now that Newt was leaned over his lap and he had the actual image, he felt like a virgin all over again.

Newt lips parted slightly, and Thomas had to distract himself by running a hand through his blonde strands as he was viewed like this. Newt took his time too, his hand guiding itself to run its fingers along his girth until his thumb pressed into his wetness to smother his tip. It was excruciating, to want him to push forward with his lips, only to long for him to never finish.

"Bigger than I expected," Newt commented with too much patience.

"Newt," Thomas said in a whisper, his head already thrown back against the couch," Please."

"When's the last time you were touched Tommy?" He asked the question, just as his tongue dipped down to clean the mess he'd made and Thomas had to keep from jumping at the sudden contact. It was worse than not being touched, because now all he wanted was to rest in his mouth, to feel more of that warmth that took over him and had his chest rising frantic. "You seem so sensitive," Newt whispered as he pulled away, and his lips pressed a kiss to his tip, where the pre cum had tainted his lips in a lavishing display.

"You're being unfair," Thomas said through half a breath. "And we still need to talk-" 

Thomas gasped when Newt finally lowered himself to lick the underside of his member, and just as he lifted his head- his lips were wrapping around his leaking tip. 

Newt had to have had practice, with the expertise enveloped in the act and the enthusiasm in which he hollowed his cheeks and kept a safe distance from teeth. Thomas tangled his fingers into Newt's hair as he bit back any noise that would only further his half embarrassment, even if it faded amongst the warm, moist inside of Newt's mouth. He slid along his member with ease, gripping him with the perfect amount of pressure that beckoned him to slowly begin moving his hips.

Thomas could feel everything, from the way his throat tightened around him to every lap of his tongue when he'd pull off to give his head more attention. It was like he had a pattern, or that he was chasing the taste of what further pleasure would bring. He couldn't stifle the moan that came when Newt's eyes met his and he hummed against his pulsing length, in which the heaviest vibrations sent him in a desperate frenzy for the edge of the high, even if he knew soon after he would want the gradual steps of it's journey.

Thomas didn't care that the door wasn't locked, or that his cocoa was getting cold or that he probably sounded like he was on the edge of his last breath- because all he was capable of was his fingers tightening in Newt's hair and the sudden noise that escaped his lips. It didn't last long enough, though he knew Newt had ran his tongue up and down every inch of him, and he'd felt the back of his throat more than once and had seen the way his eyes had watered even as he continued pleasing him. Even so, when the strings of his release were met with an enthusiastic moan from the blonde, who revealed his painted tongue before licking his fingers clean, Thomas didn't think he would ever actually have enough.

He fell back against the couch and closed his eyes," Shit, holy shit Newt." 

When he opened them, his hand began to reach for his boyfriend's pants to return the favor, but Newt rolled his eyes again as he pulled away," Just relax Tommy. I know you feel half out of your mind."

Thomas turned a little, even if his legs felt weak and he couldn't actually find it in him to move from where he sat," You did that to distract me from the conversation."

Newt smirked and moved for his laptop, like he'd been innocent enough and hadn't just sucked him off like some god. Thomas might actually die.

"I did," Newt said," Get used to it."

  
Thomas did not in fact, get used to it. It started becoming a regular occurrence, one he wasn't sure was too healthy. Newt would have an issue with work and not want to talk about it, so they would end up rubbing each other off in the room while the TV shared it's advertisement on a new shower curtain or something. When Newt grew frustrated, for something Thomas had probably said, they'd end up fucking in the shower- and so on, not healthy.

He was beginning to see as the week progressed, how bad this might be for future communication skills. Thomas couldn't exactly say anything about it either. How could he? If he wanted to start on about how sex was being used to get out of things, they'd just have sex again. Thomas wasn't exactly against it then, because it didn't feel so bad in the midst of it.

Even now, as Thomas clutched against the counter and pushed himself further into Newt, who clung to his neck with a sharp moan; Thomas knew they should probably be talking about the fact everything was new and scary, but this seemed fine for now. More than fine. Every moment Newt clenched against him, he would forget what they'd even been talking about in the first place.

Every now and then a thrust would move the cabinet's door back with a clank, and Newt would plead for more as he tried to lower his hips for a deeper thrust. His head thrown back, with a mess of blonde strands in a disarray, Thomas was taken aback by how beautiful he looked covered in the glistening sweat and the tension of his arms as he tried to hold onto something.

"Fuck-" Newt moaned," Tommy." His fingers were leaving their marks along his neck and shoulders, as if he truly feared letting go would leave him lost forever. Every now and then, when Thomas would finish pounding into him until they both vibrated with movement throughout every inch of their bodies, he'd roll to reach that spot that Newt always cried out for.

Something else vibrated beside them, and Thomas forced his hand to the counter to push Newt's phone away. Newt shared half a glance when his eyes widened," Shit-" he stumbled to the side for his phone, when Thomas realized he'd somehow answered the call. There was an awkward moment when he stopped pushing himself in and froze when Newt lifted the phone to his ear," I really can't talk right now. Sorry-"

Newt cursed under his breath, and Thomas tried to lean in to hear better, but he was pushed back with a hand to his chest. "Keep going," Newt mouthed, and Thomas furrowed his brows before the blonde nudged his shoulder and lowered his gaze to the way his legs were still wrapped around Thomas' waist.

"No, yeah- um, I have something important to do first. If you could just-" Newt took in a sharp breath when Thomas thrust in again, though with slight hesitation. "Fine! I'll meet you in thirty."

He hung up the call and tossed his phone, and Thomas looked at him with confusion and concern. He ran a hand up Newt's waist and spoke in a whisper," Who was that?"

"I swear to all the gods in existence, if you don't keep going I will personally never touch you again," Newt said through a painful breath," Come on, fuck me Tommy. This isn't some marathon."

So, Thomas obliged of course. And when they'd both practically collapsed in the kitchen with their ragged breaths and cum painted on Newt's thigh, he finally was able to ask and recieve an answer. "Who was it?"

Newt let out a long sigh," Gally. He says my father's at his house, and he won't leave until he gets my address."

Thomas raised a brow and sort of stood to offer him a rag, in which he took with great annoyance. He rarely spoke of his dad, but Thomas had an idea of how bad this was. He leaned forward and brushed a hand against Newt's cheek as he cleaned himself," Hey, I'll go with you."

"You really don't have too-"

"Newt," Thomas said," I'm going with you."

And that was that. Newt sort of smiled at him and lifted himself off the counter before whispering as he passed," Better clean up then. You've made a mess."  


Gally leaned back in his chair and chugged the rest of his beer before offering Vince one, who simply raised a hand to object. He was tense, that much was obvious. When Newt had refused to answer any of his calls, he'd gone the first place he could think of upon being in town again. At least this time Newt wasn't in the hospital. "Who's uh... What are they doing here again?" He raised a brow when he looked to the woman and man that leaned up against Gally like they'd just finished doing the worst sort of things on that couch.

"Minho and Brenda. You saw them at the hospital, now they're uh-" Gally looked for the word, but Brenda leaned forward with a grin.

"Newt and I broke up," she said with a small shrug," but that doesn't mean Gally and I have to stop being friends." 

"Right," Vince said with a little nod. And then everyone was silent again, in the most awkward way possible. When Newt used his key to get in and opened the door, he'd been half muttering a curse at the stiff lock. Gally stood up in his chair frantically, and Thomas froze a little with narrowed eyes.

"Minho? Brenda?"

Minho smirked," Hey man."

Newt stiffened where he stood, trying to ignore the way everyone looked to him suddenly. What did they expect? He certainly didn't feel like hugging the man. He cleared his throat and forced his keys into his hand," Uh, so... You were trying to find my address, were you?"

Gally pointed to himself," I respected your privacy."

"Gal," Brenda said, nudging him with her knee when he took a place back on the couch. Newt didn't have time to really consider what that little touch meant, because his dad was standing right there. He was there, and everything was just fine until he had to weasel his way back in like a damn pest. He wasn't even aware he'd been staring until Thomas had pressed a gentle to his shoulder.

"Newt-"

"No," He said, his fingers trembling as he found his voice," I don't know what your reason is for coming back, but you've no right t- to just barge in and expect forgiveness."

Vince took in a soft breath," Please, if we could just go to lunch, talk- I promise there's more to what happened than you know."

Newt bit his lip," Is there? Really? Are you sure it wasn't the fact I was dating a man then?"

Everyone sort of looked away, but Newt could feel Thomas' gaze on him, even if he wasn't sure of his expression. Everything hurt. Why couldn't Vince just realize after the ten calls missed, the weeks that had passed without a return... That Newt was fine? He was more than fine without him. He didn't need a stupid apology, or whatever the hell he was offering. 

"No," Vince said, stepping forward to face him with a gaze that felt too real," I promise you, that is not what that was."

"Really?" Newt said, and he grasped Thomas by the hand," Because if you event want me to consider going to lunch, then you better be inviting my boyfriend, because I'm still pretty damn gay."

Thomas' eyes widened for some reason, and Vince shrugged in response. "Okay," he said, eyeing Thomas up and down as if to get a reading," Sure. He can come, I'd love that. I'd love to get to know everything about you two..." Newt was startled by his words. "Just give me a chance to explain what happened that night."

Newt faltered in his anger, and the only thing that brought him strength was the sudden squeeze from Thomas before he intertwined their fingers. "Okay," Newt said at loss," just one lunch then."


	18. Share A Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would have posted sooner but had to edit alot, some medical shit. Hope it's an okay chapter. Thank you soooooo much for reading <3
> 
> If there's some mistakes feel free to let me know :)

  
Newt was silent on the way over, merely because he wasn't sure how to apologize to Thomas for what he'd just got him into. Thomas was a good person, despite the shit that had happened in the past, he was one of the best. He was considerate and a gentle man, a little geeky at times which only made Newt like him more- but he had alot of qualities Vince would never be able to see just because he had a dick between his legs. Regardless of what his dad said, he remembered the night well enough.  
  
He parked the car in front of the mexican grill and took in a deep breath before whispering," Tommy, I like you alot. If-" he closed his eyes for a moment," if this changes your mind about us, then I get it. Okay? You can tell me right away."

Thomas leaned forward, and when he opened his eyes he could see the soft brown staring at him with such a compassionate gaze. God, Newt loved those eyes. He never told Thomas the things he thought enough. He knew that. Even so, Thomas always seemed to know exactly what he couldn't say. "A shit dad isn't going to change my mind," Thomas said," Especially since you just admitted I'm your boyfriend."

Newt opened his mouth to speak and froze a little," Oh," he muttered," I- I did, didn't I?"

"It made me really happy," Thomas said, and he took off his own belt to get closer. "You're demanding, easily irritated, hot headed-"

"Insulting me now?" Newt asked with furrowed brows.

"Hey, let me finish," Thomas said with a raised finger, and was surprised when Newt remained quiet. His hand brushed up against his thigh as he spoke again," You're difficult, Newt, but you're also fucking hilarious and you watch long documentaries on animals and let me voice them. You're gorgeous and I always think it's really cute everytime I get you to blush or smile... Because you don't really smile a lot, but when you do... I think that I'd allow you to demand anything, or be as angry as you could with me and I'd still be an idiot all over again for you."

Newt's eyes widened," I..." 

"I like you more than what's healthy," Thomas said," so be as demanding as you want right now. If things get ugly in there, I'll be right beside you."

Newt chuckled a little, because after all that he was nervous for a different reason. He pushed himself forward suddenly and pulled Thomas into a hug. It was real, and without the need for a distraction like he'd done plenty the following week. He needed Thomas' warmth, and his words had filled something in him that he hadn't been aware needed it. When he let Thomas have his space, he had to fight back the sudden, half breath of a raw emotion," Tommy, I never once thought you were an idiot. I know I... I'm not really someone who's open of the sorts, but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate you."

"It's okay," Thomas said with a grin," It's part of your charm."

Newt bit back a smile that revealed itself anyways, and suddenly going in to speak to his father wasn't such a horrible thing. What happened, would happen and in the end he would go home to watch a movie with his boyfriend. He thought it over as they made their way to the table his father sat outside, menus already laid out under the bright yellow umbrella. Vince set his beer aside, and sat up straight," Would you two like a drink? It's on me, get whatever you want."

Newt sat down after Thomas pulled out his seat," Thomas and I don't drink actually. Waters will be fine, won't they?" He looked to Thomas, his strong and caring Thomas. He could get through this with him, he was certain.

"Perfect," Thomas said, finding his thigh under the table to give him a gentle squeeze of assurance. The waitress came by and took down their drinks, and Newt noticed how Vince set his own beer aside to clasp his hands along the table.

"I'm glad you two came," he said," I was worried you'd get lost on this side of town."

"Just a detour," Newt said," I had to get gas."  
  
"Yeah, sorry. This was by the hotel, but I don't really know where your place is so I just chose what seemed good," Vince shrugged a little as he gathered his menu. He flipped it over a few times, as if he needed to be absolute certain he was seeing it all. Before Newt could even look to his own, his dad was speaking again," So uh, you two live together?"

"Not... Yet," Newt said, looking over at Thomas, who sent him a half smile of encouragement. They might as well have been living together with the amount of times they shared the bed, and the fact Thomas already had a drawer and cabinet space in the bathroom. He even had his own coffee cup, which Newt had only just realized was big in a relationship. For him, anyways.

"Well, there's always time to plan. You're young, plenty of life ahead of you."

Newt bit his lip as the waitress set down two cups of water. He didn't like the fact his dad seemed so kind all of a sudden, like this was anywhere near normal. He leaned back in his chair and felt the need for a smoke. "Okay, we should cut the shit then, shouldn't we? You asked me here for a reason." Really, he could only play nice for so long.

"Newt, can we have lunch first? Just... I promise I'll tell you everything. I don't want to ruin getting to know more about you and Thomas," he gestured to him, and Newt realized Thomas was chugging down his water like he was seconds to death. When he set the cup down, he cleared his throat a little.

"Sorry," Thomas said," I'm sure uh, Newt really wants to talk about what happened. Maybe if you explained yourself, it would be easier."

Vince looked as if he were about to argue, so Newt leaned forward to speak with his dead set gaze," Please explain to me why beating up a man you caught me kissing to a bloody pulp had nothing to do with us being gay."

"I-" the waitress stopped short," Should I come back?"

"Yes," Newt and Vince both said, and Thomas waved a little at her with a sheepish grin before she took off with her menu. Newt could see his shoulders tense when he turned to look at them both.

"So..." Thomas pursed his lips.

"I know how I remember that night," Newt said, and he propped his hand up on his chin with a narrowed gaze.

  
  
_It'd been a normal day, when it had all went to shit. Newt had stolen a smoke on the roof top, lighting it with his dad's old rusted lighter that had their family's last name engraved to the side. Daniel, a tall and lanky boy in his college class sat beside him, and he'd just finished making a stupid joke when Newt pushed hair back from his face out of a nervous habit. His chuckle filled the soft breeze, and it seemed to carry itself towards the open window where the curtains hid them from sight. Daniel was beautiful and a little psychotic, but Newt enjoyed his company._

_"I'll seduce the professor and we can get a proper grade," he said, nudging Newt with his knee._

_"Oh please, like I need any help. I told you, you could have just copied from me," Newt said, feeling warm all over at the sudden contact. He always did. Daniel had been his first of many. He'd gone through alot, getting his GED wouldn't have even been possible without Daniel, and now... To think they'd be graduating college together. It was a dream._

_"Fine," Daniel practically purred as he leaned forward," Then maybe I'll just seduce you."_

_Newt half snorted," You're very confident, are you?" Though he was already leaning in to the way Daniel brushed a hand against his cheek, and when they kissed it felt right. Every part of him would willingly go to the depths he'd soon fall._

_"Newt, I have to tell you something," Daniel said, pulling away with a whisper._

_"Anything," he replied._

_"I'm going to Mexico, and I want you to come with me." It was sudden, and enough of a shock that Newt pulled farther back and waited for it to actually sit as an idea. It still didn't make any fucking sense._

_"I'm sorry?" Newt asked with a raised brow," What?"_

_"We're finished with the majority of our exams, and the rest can easily be transferred to a virtual class," Daniel said, no humor evident in his gaze as he reached for Newt's hand," Come on, Newt. You're always saying you want to live life to the fullest. What's really keeping you here? My family has a place in San Carlos, it's beautiful this time of year."_

_Newt furrowed his brows," I just... It's so sudden. When do you plan on going?"_

_God, what would Gally say about this?_  
  
_"Tomorrow morning," Daniel said," Or tonight. My pilot is ready at a moment's notice, the permits and everything are set."_

_"Tonight?!" Newt stood up, and when he nearly stumbled he moved to push open the curtains and maneuver back into the room, where he stopped in the center. "Tonight. You want to go to Mexico tonight! I have-" he gestured wildly," stuff."_

_Daniel slipped into the room with great ease, staring at Newt with a soft sigh," Stuff? This is a chance to live."_

  
"Wait," Thomas leaned forward along the table," did you actually go to Mexico?" Newt was pulled out of his story by a soft voice of awe, and those big brown eyes that watched him with curiosity. Newt pressed a hand to his knee, squeezing gently. What a way to show Thomas part of his past, introducing the first man who'd ever broken his heart.

"He left without me," Newt said with a hard look towards his father," after he beat him near death."

Vince sighed and set his drink down," I think it's time you hear my side of the story." 

_Vince downed another drink and set it at the bar with a deep sigh, sweat matted to his forehead even as he brushed his hair back and wiped the dirt off of his cheek. The bartender raised a brow," I'm taking it your shift wasn't the normal cuffs and badge today."_

_"What makes you think that?" Vince eyed the brandy on the shelf and leaned back from the bar. He couldn't be getting too drunk. He still wore his suit, as any official agent not undercover, though he probably looked similar to the drunkards that stayed here past the late hours. Some people spread around to toast, for no real reason, and he could only narrow his gaze with a natural distrust. It came with the job._

_"Detective Drunk," a woman's voice stirred him from his thoughts, and she wore that horrid smirk that had him wanting to find dirt on her, for the arrest alone. Ava looked a little disgruntled about sitting in the chair, but she made do as she slid a file his way. "I couldn't find you in the office, so I went to the first shit hole there was on Avenue."_

_Vince clenched his jaw," Well, I didn't think I'd be doing anything more useful today."_

_"I have something," Ava said, and her hand moved to keep the file from being opened as she leaned forward into his space," but you have to give me your word, anyone involved in this situation is to remain naïve to the suspect, until we have enough dirt."_

_"Is this about Torres?" Vince asked._

_"We believe to have found one of his men," Ava gestured to the file. "Open it, you'll understand the situation quite clearly."_

_Vince let out a deep breath, and with a look from Ava, the bartender turned around abruptly to go help someone from across the bar. The file was decently sized, though the first page was enough to have him falter with his fingers. He sat up and closed the file abruptly," I have to go."  
  
He didn't miss the smirk or comment Ava had before he paid for his drinks and turned to leave. "I thought you would," she said.  
  
_

"So you were drinking," Newt muttered, and when they both looked to him, he merely shrugged," no surprise. Now, what does this have to do with any of our issue here?"  
  
Thomas made a soft popping noise with his lips out of discomfort, and he reached for the glass of water on the table to find something else to give attention too. Newt almost felt bad, but he was too angry to really stop the tension in his shoulders and the obvious glare towards the older man across from them. Vince nodded a little," Just... hear me out."  
  
"Fine," Newt said, waving a hand to gesture for him to finish.  
  
  


_Vince pushed open the door to their home, taking in the strong scent of cinnamon from the living room incense. His wife took a sip of coffee from her chair, her bright blue eyes penetrating the thick air between them. "Home already?" She set her mug down and raked her manicured nails through the bleach blonde of her hair," Thought you'd be with your side piece."  
  
"This again?" Vince threw off his coat to lie it along the back of the couch," Where's our son? I need to speak to him immediately."_  
  
" _Why? So you can change the topic again?" She stood up and crossed her arms," We need to talk Vince."_  
  
_"I'll find him myself," Vince moved to push past her, but she grabbed at his arm and he turned his head to see the tears filling her eyes._  
  
_"So help me," she said with a ragged breath," If you don't talk to me now, we may as well as sign the divorce papers."_  
  
_In that moment, he knew he had a choice_. _The file was real enough though, and this fight had been going on since they'd first gotten married. First it was the paranoia, and then it was the job, and now he'd pushed her away so far that he feared she truly did believe it all. What was left? He felt everything within him break as he looked to the stairs," Our son is in danger. I have to do this."_

_And he left. He climbed the stairs that separated him from his wife, the last calling of her pleas, the eternal damnation he'd certainly find at the bottom of a beer when she was finished picking up the pieces of their failed life. He pushed open Newt's door," Newt, we need to tal-" he stopped in his place at the doorway, where his son finished kissing the same man who'd been in the file. His sudden vision was taken by the packed luggage on the bed._

_Newt's eyes widened, just as Vince moved to slam Daniel up against the wall with a hand tangled into his shirt," I know what you are," he said._

_Newt grabbed at his dad," Stop! Leave him alone!"_

"Enough," Newt said as he stood, the glass clanking against the table just as Thomas reached over to catch it before it could spill. "I don't need to be reminded about what I know. You said he was in your files. What the hell are you saying?"

A few people turned heads at the sudden commotion, but Vince didn't seem to care as he looked to him. He lowered his hand to his brief case down by his feet, procuring a stack of papers to pile them onto the table. "His cousin's recruited him into the gang. I was after Leo, but it seemed your friend had just as much at stake. As soon as I found out he may have a hand at trafficking I ran home. You were already packing, Newt." He leaned forward and stared at him intently as Newt opened the file," Imagine if I hadn't. You'd be another victim, and who's to say you weren't his way in? Kill a man, that's how you become a real Torres."

Newt let out a harsh gasp," He loved me."

"He played you," Vince said," And I would have told you everything. I was ordered not to, and even when it was cleared, you were gone and I had to deal with-" he slouched back in his chair," I had to deal with the divorce, selling the house-"

"The divorce?" Newt's eyes widened as he lifted his head, and Thomas had never seen him look so small. He wanted to hug him then, but he knew it might not be welcome at the moment.

Vince leaned forward," I'm sorry. I should have tried harder to reach out to you, but I went into a dark place. I had a lot to figure out..." He closed his eyes for a moment and it seemed as if he might break," I never cared you were gay, Newt. This was so much bigger. I- I should have told you everything."

"He wouldn't..." Newt said to himself, but Thomas could see the dots connecting in his head. He must have went through hundreds of memories before he stepped back. " I need some air. Or uh," he seemed to realize they were outside and shook his head," Restroom." It was muttered so weak, that Thomas felt a horrible pain in his chest arrive. 

"I have to make sure he's okay," he said to Vince.

Thomas followed after him and as soon as he saw no one else was in there, he locked the door and heard Newt flinch. When he turned, his brows furrowed, as if he'd forgotten Thomas had been at the table. He didn't give Newt time to form words, because he knew it was time. His arms wrapped around the blonde and he pulled him into his chest with one swift movement," I just don't know how to feel," Newt said, and he grasped against Thomas' shirt with a broken exhale. "Fuck, I'm being emotional over something that doesn't even matter."

"It does," Thomas said into his neck as he kept a tight hold of him," You're allowed to feel like this. You can't just keep pretending you don't have emotions... There's people who want to help." He pressed a gentle hand into Newt's hair and wound his fingers through his strands," I want to help."

"Why?" Newt asked, and his eyes were so beautiful when he pulled away enough to look Thomas in the face. They were glistening with unshed tears, and the uncertainty in which he allowed his gaze to fall anyways," I push you away on purpose, and yet... you stay. I start arguments, and I try to make you leave, and you just... stay. The sex is good, Tommy- but not that good."

Thomas smiled, and he knew it was something much more raw than his usual goofy, teasing grins that often had Newt groaning with annoyance. He pushed a hand to the blonde's cheek," The sex is great," he mended with a careful whisper, and this got a soft chuckle from Newt," I stay because I've never felt this way before about anyone. I've never... wanted someone's happiness over my own, and to give up on it just seems like the greatest sin of all."

Newt bit his lip and it seemed he was trying to garner the strength to keep himself from crying," Stop talking as if you write poetry, Tommy."

"Then stop hiding how human you are and just be with me," he said, pure honest want rolling from the tongue," For once, just let me take care of you."

Newt's lips parted and he leaned forward into him with a soft nod," Okay," he said, and after a moment," Maybe."

Thomas smirked and pushed into a gentle kiss. He brushed his bottom lip against Newt as whispered words left," Ugh, you and your maybes."


	19. Mr. Professional

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoy the chapter !! Have a wonderful weekend!

" _I won't deny it, I'm a straight ridah. You don't wanna fuck with me."_

The equivalent to a morning on a porch with the vivid sun rising in the distance as your lover offers you a cup of tea for them was Tupac singing Newt awake in the shower as Thomas frantically searched for his toothbrush in the cabinet. He cursed when he looked in the jar and it still had yet to make it's presence known," Babe!" He half pulled the shower curtain back and Newt glared at him.

"You make it impossible to have an early shower wank, Tommy." He continued to rub soap into his chest, using one hand to pull the curtains closed," Check the trash. Maybe it fell."

Thomas narrowed his eyes," You wank to Tupac?"

"No," Newt said, and Thomas could almost see him shrug," I just think he has a rather good way of making me feel awake. If he's attractive, well- that's just an added benefit."

Thomas rolled his eyes and bent down to look into the trash. Behold, the fallen comrade. He made a soft groan as he reached halfway for the sink, only for Newt to interrupt," If you're thinking about using mine, you've got another thing coming."

"My tongue has been inside your mouth longer than this toothbrush would be," Thomas said, half turning to look into the mirror. He had bags under his eyes, mostly because they'd been awake doing things mother Mary would faint over. His target shirt was wrinkled, and his name tag was crooked, but having bad breath would just be unacceptable.

"You're going to be late," Newt said.

"Then let me you use your toothbrush-" His words were cut short when their was a knock at the door. Newt sighed and turned up the music, because he already knew who it was. He had an appointment for one of the classes he was taking online, something about an oral report- and Gally had graciously offered to take Thomas to work.

"Chew a piece of gum, it works wonders!" Newt said over the music, just as Thomas sighed in defeat. He fixed his hair as best as he could and moved to grab his backpack from the side of the couch. It was habit now, anyways. He already had his clothes at Newt's, so there wasn't really any use tugging the thing back and forth to his own place. He unlocked the door and stepped out into the chilly air, wincing when the wind struck.

"Yeah freezing my fucking balls off. Making me wait here," Gally stomped off the porch and waddled in his over sized jacket to the running car. "Dude-" Gally's eyes widened when he took Thomas in," Where's your jacket?"

"I was in a rush-"

"Get in," Gally said, practically throwing a blanket over his lap when he'd managed to make it into his seat. He closed the door and set the heater on high," Cuddle up in that. My girlfriend won't mind."

Thomas froze," This is Brenda's."

Gally stared forward and put the car into drive. He didn't say anything on it either, and Thomas smiled wide to himself, because he could not wait to tell Newt.

  
Newt, upon wrapping a towel around his waist, stopped at the sink and closed his eyes when a realization came over him. He opened them to set his gaze on the single toothbrush present. He couldn't tell if that was his toothbrush or not.

He'd most definitely been using the green one, but if the green one was missing then that was clearly Thomas'. Then there was the blue one, looking quite clean, and unused.

"I'm dating a monster," Newt said.

  
Thomas chugged the redbull he had in his bag and waited for his stomach to settle as Gally pulled on to the street across from his job. He had a bag of hot cheetos stuffed into the middle console that he'd been snacking on, and for some reason it seemed like something quite appetizing at the moment to Thomas. He set his drink aside and eyed him when they pulled into the parking lot," So Brenda..."

"I'm probably going to get in trouble for telling you," Gally said with a hand raised," but you can ask all the details at the party tonight."

Thomas raised a brow," What party?"

"Oh," Gally dropped his hand," I forgot. Newt said something about you not being around drinks, and I get that- I totally forgot, my bad."

"I'm not an alcoholic, Gally. I'm sure I could be around drinks and be just fine," Thomas said with a shrug. And when Gally gave him a look, he sighed inwardly," I swear, it really wouldn't be a big deal. Is Newt going?"

They had a weird relationship now. From wanting Thomas dead, Gally had ventured into the premise of a friendship with him. He told bad jokes, and Thomas laughed at them- the rest was history. He remembered when Gally had entered their apartment when Newt and him had been in mid cuddle session over a bag of sour gummy worms. Gally had given him a long look before easing the tension in his shoulders and later even offering him a fist bump as parting. It was nice.

"He was going to stop by for a few minutes," Gally said, sounding quite guilty.

"Cool," Thomas folded the blanket and pushed it into the back seat," Tell him he can stay later. I will be attending." It's not like they'd be doing hard drugs there. Pot and alcohol were mild compared to what he'd been around a few months ago.

"Yeah?" Gally smiled wide and gestured to the calling job," Good. I was kind of hoping you'd show. You're cool to hang around, you know, when you're not sucking my best friend's face off."

"Thanks," Thomas said, and despite the anxiety he held about the event, he flashed a smile before grabbing his bag to head up to the store. The sun had risen just fine, but the surpass of clouds created a dark aura around what Target already held. He watched as a bird swooped down to crow it's vindictive hunger, and he wondered what he'd do in that moment if there had been a sudden apocalypse to match the fog. Probably die, since his ride had just high tailed it down the street blasting some 80's rap. He pushed his bag over his shoulder and stepped into the warmer air past the sliding doors. Jessica was already gossiping away at her register as she recounted her money for the morning, and she offered him up a small smirk as he passed," Long night?"

Thomas shrugged," Yeah, sure."

"Still gay?" 

Thomas managed a grin," I had to keep from putting eye shadow on this morning. The call was too strong."

Jessica laughed at this, because somehow she wasn't that bad of a person to talk to when it came to working a long shift of weird and off putting customers. She was kind of nice when she wasn't talking shit about people. He set his bag under his register and rubbed his eyes, because it was too early to be out of bed.

"Ugh, please tell me you're doing something fun this weekend. I need a break," Jessica said and the woman beside her gave a small 'amen.' Marie was an actual angel, except for when she was nodding away as Jessica berated someone's nails.

"I-" Thomas stopped a little, and then remembered how annoyed Newt had become when he'd actually met Jessica. She scowled too much and had that resting bitch face, he'd said. The look on Newt's face when Thomas had implied they were more alike than he realized was enough to end him on the couch before he offered a deep massage for forgiveness. "Nope," he said," I'm just sitting at home. Probably watching some football, you know."

Jessica eyed Marie and whispered," Does this man look like he knows a thing about football?"

Marie shook her head, and Thomas, even if it was an authentic question, felt deeply offended. It didn't matter though, because the shift was a relatively easy one. He got the same old lady that always spent twenty minutes talking about her adorable kittens. Thomas wanted a kitten, to the point he'd be half leaned over his register with heart eyes over different breeds as she showed him different pictures of strays. She smiled at him fondly when someone cleared their throat from behind. "Don't worry, Thomas. You'll get a kitty one day. If you want one bad enough, they'll find their way into your home. Trust me..." She chuckled a little," I wanted a husband bad enough, he came and now he won't leave."

Four years later, Thomas would find out she'd murdered her husband with soup. That, though, was a different story. 

After cleaning up what he could and getting picked up from Newt, he wasn't ashamed to say he was excited about going to a party thrown by Gally. He liked Gally, actually. There was so much energy in him that no one had to really pretend to be anything. He carried a conversation when it was dead, and he made certain to be the center of attention, a place Thomas didn't ever want to be. He buckled his belt up and stretched a bit before Newt finished giving him a mini glare, the kind that asked to be kissed, but also a threat to be slapped. He'd kind of become a master at half guessing what Newt's looks meant. He was pretty proud of himself, especially when he guessed that the look he had now meant he'd done something wrong.

"I'm so sorry," Thomas said.

"For?"

"Uh," Thomas pursed his lips," I don't know, but it was probably an accident."

"I l-" Newt's eyes widened for a moment, as if he were about to say something he could have horribly regretted before he reverted to a simple sigh. "I enjoy your company, Thomas- but you have to stop using my damn tooth brush."

"What?" Thomas paled a little," That's what this is about? I thought I broke something again." Last week he'd somehow managed to bust the entire crock pot's lid by miscalculating the counter's distance. He'd tried to hide it, only to find out Newt didn't actually know he owned a crock pot. Yet, anyways.

"Did you break something?" Newt asked suddenly curious.

"No," Thomas said, and he leaned in to plant a kiss against his cheek," just my body, falling for you."

And that did it. Newt threw his head back and he let out chuckle before pushing Thomas away with one hand," I hate it. No, don't-" Thomas watched with adoration at the way his lips curved into a bright grin. "You're awful."

Thomas pressed forward," Awfully smitten."

"If you weren't so damn attractive, I'd punch you for that one," Newt said with a teasing smirk to his words. Thomas took it as a compliment and behaved the rest of the ride home. He had to mentally correct himself, because he had often forgotten that he didn't actually live with Newt. He was happy with the way things were though. It had been nearly three months since the start of everything, his life changing for the better. He looked down at his key chain, the one with Newt's key and his tags from the meetings. They told him that he'd made progress, that he was getting better. He always smiled looking at them.

Newt caught his glance in the parking lot and bit back a grin before reaching down to squeeze his hand. It was the small affections that had Thomas' heart racing wild. He didn't ever want to lose what he'd been gifted.

"So Gally hit me up," Newt said," Says you want to come to the party?"

"Yeah." Thomas messed with a loose string from his jeans, slouching back against the seat. "I think it'll be fine. I mean... I don't want you to miss out because of me."

Newt stared at him with a fondness that had him feeling guilty, for what- he wasn't sure. "Tommy, I'm not missing out. You really don't have to go."

"I want too," Thomas said, because even if he'd rather be at home cuddling to some stupid B flick movie, a party sounded nice in that moment. He had friends again, ones that were going to have a pretty amazing time and thought that he couldn't be apart of it because of what he was. It was frustrating. 

"Alright," Newt said, turning the key," We'll go to the party, but as soon as you aren't comfortable we'll leave."

Thomas shrugged," I won't be uncomfortable."

  
That was an understatement. Thomas had imagined a small get together if anything, maybe a few people he hadn't met over some bud light beer and a few pizzas. What he walked into later that night was on an entirely different level. Lights hung from the ceiling, emitting a bright variety of neon colors as a playlist of music blared from his standing stereo. Food was sorted out onto the dining room table, and stacks of the most expensive liquor set along the counter where a couple people lounged around half buzzed already.

"High school all over again," Thomas muttered as he hung his jacket up. Newt stood beside him, his gaze darting from the large crowd to his best friend, who was definitely already fucked up. Gally had a hand across Minho's waist, and Brenda was throwing her head back in laughter at something he'd said. 

"Uncomfortable?" Newt asked.

"Newt," Thomas said, trying his best to ease any tension in his body as he smiled fondly," I'm fine. Go ahead and get a drink, I really don't mind."

Newt pressed a hand along his chest and looked into his eyes for a moment as if they'd say anymore that he hadn't already. Whatever he found must have been enough to keep him from worrying, because he went for a kiss and turned his head towards the liquor," Alright. You want a pop?"

Thomas rolled his eyes," Yes, I would like a soda."

The crowd didn't have any rhythm. It was more like half grind and dip to whatever beat the music had. It was a mixture of techno and some rap song he'd heard play over the radio all month. He tried to stay apart from it as Newt wove himself through towards the kitchen.

"Thomas!" Brenda threw her arms around him suddenly, which was surprise enough because he could have sworn she'd been across the room five seconds beforehand. Her brown eyes were lit with a new flame, one that immediately looked around to see if someone had followed her over. Gally and Minho trailed over looking just the same, which could either be the alcohol or- his eyes widened when she rushed forward to greet them with a drunken peck on the lips, only to sway back and wait for Thomas to speak. He didn't miss the smirk.

"How many drinks has she had?" He asked Minho with concern.

"Not as much as me," Gally said, curling a hand along Minho's shoulder to steady himself. Minho seemed alright, a little embarrassed if anything.

"I want to dance," Brenda pleaded, and she pulled on Minho's arm who chuckled despite the obvious confusion on Thomas' face. This felt weird, and he couldn't exactly put a finger on it but there was definitely something going on. Or maybe being around drunk people sober was a really bad call.

"I'm gonna go dance," Minho said with a little slur to his words.

Gally snorted," You two go do that. I'll keep my self esteem tonight."

Thomas shoved his hands into his pockets and stood beside the door a little awkwardly. He couldn't remember the last party he'd been too without sneaking off into the restroom to get high. At least this party had working windows and actual doors. 

"Ugh, look at them," Gally said, tossing back a beer before he set the empty container in a potted plant," They're so damn hot it kills me."

"So uh," Thomas gestured to the two hanging off eachother on the dance floor. His best friends never danced, let alone with eachother," That's nice?"

Gally smirked and pushed an arm over Thomas' shoulder, and he turned to face the center of the crowd when his eyes widened," Oh shit. I totally forgot about Ben."

"Who?" Thomas followed his gaze and realized he'd been staring at Newt, who was drinking out of a red solo cup and conversing with a well built man along the liquor counter. The man let a hand fall over Newt's arm and something in his chest immediately curled into something he wasn't aware had even been there.

Gally registered the change and shrugged a little," I uh, don't worry. He's not a bad cop or anything. I mean you probably didn't even know he was a cop, but I swear he's cool. I don't know why I said that. Look man," Gally nearly stumbled a little as he took back his arm," Newt and him didn't even go all the way, and it was like way before you two were official. He actually stopped cause he has such a boner for you, so really it's not even a big deal."

Thomas pulled back," What? That's Newt's ex?"

"Not really, he just gave him a hand job at the gym, so I wouldn't even say ex. Like I said," Gally held up his hands defensively, clearly not in his right mind to be sharing information," he has a huge boner for you."

"Yeah," Thomas said, and he was already walking that way for some reason. He wasn't possessive, at least he hadn't been before; but something had him moving with his chin up right and a fierce gaze through the crowd. He pushed past a few people, and Newt lifted his head with a grin.

"Tommy, I was hoping you'd come over. I really didn't think I'd survive the crowd," he said, looking a little flushed. Thomas leaned up against the counter and eyed Ben, the muscular man with a badge apparently. Newt bit his lip and seemed to realize ," Oh, this is Ben. Ben this is-"

"Thomas," he said with a white pearly smile," hey, you want a beer or anything?"

"Actually, he-"

Thomas cut Newt off and held a hand out for a beer," I'd love one. Thanks." There was no freaking way he was going to let Ben know he couldn't drink. It wasn't even the fact he was a cop, it was the idea he'd look like a downgrade, which was probably not the best mindset. Newt eyed him with furrowed brows, to which Thomas popped open the beer and shrugged, hoping to convey how fine this was. He wasn't an alcoholic. One drink wouldn't kill him.

"I've heard alot about you in the past..." Ben chuckled as he looked to his watch," five minutes. Your boy likes to brag."

Thomas drank some of his drink, feeling Frypan's words hovering over him like an avalanche ready to destroy everything he'd progressed to for three months. Thomas let out a deep sigh at the warmth that sat at his stomach when he downed it in a few more swigs," I guess he does."

Newt's jaw dropped," Thomas, can we go to the bedroom? I'd like a word." He tried for a smile, but Ben must have sensed enough because he moved from the counter to give them room.

"Nice seeing you again, Newt. I miss you at the gym."

God, Thomas couldn't punch a cop. He really couldn't. He felt Newt's hand reach his arm, and Thomas moved to grab another beer before following him to Gally's bed room where he shut the door behind them. The music died down a bit, but the walls were still thin enough that he could make out the lyrics.

"What the hell are you doing?" Newt asked.

Thomas looked down at his bottle," I don't know how many times I have to say this, I am not an alcoholic. Beer isn't even that good, so..." He shrugged a little and set the bottle onto the dresser," Maybe let me have some fun?"

"What does that even mean?" Newt asked with crossed arms. "I went to one of your meetings Thomas. It's not the drug, it's the-"

"Newt," Thomas said, and his tone must have held something powerful enough to silence the blonde. He stepped forward and reached to curl a hand along his waist," I get high enough on you. Drinking isn't going to drive me back to that shit, nothing could. Look at us," Thomas ran a thumb across his lips, and Newt's eyes widened in awe. "I just... want to have some fun, away from any of your exes."

"Ben isn't one of my exes, he's just-" he sighed inwardly when he realized," Gally has such a huge fucking mouth. I should have known that's what he was going off about. I could see the way your shoulders changed."

Thomas leaned back against the dresser. He wasn't the toxic boyfriend for being jealous, was he? He suddenly realized he really didn't know what was right or wrong in a given situation half the time, especially with Newt. He bit his lip and tried to appear unaffected," It's cool. We both have history. It was before us, so I can't really say anything."

"But you want to say something," Newt said with a calculative gaze.

"Well, yeah," Thomas said," I'm obviously doing the math in my head. If he was hitting on you just before me, why didn't you choose him? I mean... Just a little curious, because even I find him attractive, and he's- all professional and shit."

"Professionalism would not accept a hand job in a gym," Newt said, slightly amused.

"Hey," Thomas frowned, "I'm serious."

Ben was obviously in a better place than him, so the idea that Newt willingly went on a date with Thomas instead was just far more than perplexing. Newt let out a deep breath and reached forward to wrap his arms around Thomas' neck, who watched with an uneasiness that grew ," I don't want Mr. Professional, I want you."

"Why?"

"Because Tommy," Newt brushed his soft fingers along the back of his neck where a few strands of hair had began to part in waves. It had to be the best feeling there was, to have Newt touch him with no intention other than to feel. "You're a better man than him."

Thomas huffed a little in disbelief, but Newt pushed his hand up to cup his cheek," Hey, I'm not a sweet talker, am I? When have I ever told you something just to make you feel better? Listen, you dork, there is no one else I'd rather be with. " And for some reason, Thomas couldn't find anything to argue about then. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to bite back a self defeated chuckle.

"Fuck, what are you doing to me?" It was an honest question. Thomas had his flings from the past, but he'd never cared if they stayed or go. With Newt, it was like his greatest fear. He'd become enveloped in this new life, that he didn't want to ever go back when Newt hadn't been apart of it. The idea was terrifying.

"Right now?" Newt moved further into his space and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, one that hovered for a moment as he whispered," wishing we were in a bath so I could further distract you from thoughts."

Thomas felt those words too much. They didn't even have to necessarily have sex. Just to lounge back with Newt in his arms as they whispered stupid jokes in a mixture of soap and hot water sounded like perfection. He smiled at the thought," As nice as that sounds, Newt. I'm not about to be a party pooper." Newt deserved to have fun, regardless of how Thomas felt about hanging around some toned cop. He reached for his bottle on the dresser and toasted," Let's get out there and have some fun. I'll treat you to a real dinner when we get home." He'd let that one slide in his head, because nothing had ever felt more true escaping from his lips.

"Fine," Newt said with a smirk," only so I can make fun of Minho and Brenda. Did you hear they were dating?"

A moment of silence passed, well more silent than they had been speaking over the reminisce of music in the room. "Wait," Thomas turned around," I thought Gally was dating Brenda?"

  
They'd learn later that whatever the hell was going on with the three would need more than one conversation to understand. While Thomas had allowed himself to have a couple more beers, he'd noticed Gally and Brenda share their own dances. They clung together like sex craved teenagers, lips parting only to allow for air in the middle of a high energized song. Newt had been halfway into a conversation with Minho, when he left abruptly to find Thomas sitting in a kitchen chair. Thomas offered him a smile, a silent comment that he was still okay and comfortable. Newt lowered down into his lap and pushed his back against his chest with a heavy sigh," It's quite hot out there."

Thomas' eyes widened in surprise, but the hand that wasn't nursing a beer moved to wrap itself around Newt's waist with a gentle grasp," You haven't danced," he whispered, aware his breath probably wreaked of alcohol. Newt had taken enough shots that he didn't seem to notice, or he didn't have it in him to care.

"And let my jealous boyfriend fight the man with his hands all over me?" Newt quipped, but it was immediately followed by an affectionate glance as he turned his body to face him. This felt right then. Thomas set his drink aside so he could rest them both against Newt, who looked more from the heavens with the way the neon lights shun off the shadow of prominent cheek bones and a jaw line that could cut glass. He, as a drunk experiment, reached forward to feel his face with his fingers in awe.

"Your face is perfect," he said a little low, though Newt seemed to hear him all the same.

"You're drunk," Newt said, but there was no accusation in his features. No, his features were soft and begging to be touched everywhere.

"Super drunk," Thomas said with a fixated gaze. He found the brightest light curved over just right, but the blue's and greens took away the soft red that rode along Newt's cheeks. "You're so pretty though."

"Stop," Newt chuckled, but he didn't move to leave him. His hands ran through his hair and he shifted in his lap as Thomas kept a hold of him to steady them both. "Who's driving us now? You were my sober driver."

"Well that's no good," Thomas said with furrowed brows," I can't even drive."

They both looked at each other and burst out laughing, just as a hand moved to rest on Newt's shoulders. They lifted their heads to see Minho. He'd been wearing a shirt five minutes before. His hair was standing straight up, a few hickies planted on his neck and his legs swayed where he stood," I think someone just brought a bong."

Newt raised a brow," Oh?"

Minho eyed Thomas, who lifted his drink as an answer," I'm already fucked up. I don't think pots going to hurt me."

Minho faltered a little," You've been drinking?"

"Yes," Thomas said very directly," I'm not doing anything hard." He lifted his finger with a nod," Pinky promise"

"Newt."

Newt turned to look at Minho, as if he was somehow his paternal figure now. Thomas sighed with a little irritation, but most of it was mixed in with his drunken stupor. "He'll be okay," Newt said," We're going to call an Uber home soon. He's fine, I promise." Minho seemed to trust Newt's judgement, because he didn't fight him on it. As he left though, Thomas couldn't help but feel a little guilty about his situation. At least until Newt leaned forward to press his lips along his neck," Come on, I have enough energy to get going if we leave now."

Thomas lifted himself to a half straight posture," Shit, yeah."

They never made it to the bedroom. They'd muttered their goodbyes to their Uber driver James, who had sung along to every lyric in a pop girl band hit as they'd half made out on the leather seats. Most of it had been an entanglement of limbs, but upon reaching the living room when Newt was thrown back on the couch and Thomas had followed like a predator- they both felt a little more than dizzy. Newt was hot to the touch, breathing like he'd been worked over too soon, even if Thomas had only just began to slip his shoes off.

"You still think we can do this?" Thomas asked through half a gasp when he nearly toppled down onto the smaller man," Maybe uh-"

"You're heavy," Newt said, grasping at his arm while Thomas managed himself into a better position. "And it's hot." He tugged at his own shirt, trying to undo the many buttons with a long sigh of frustration. Thomas chuckled a little when he moved to help him.

"Come here," Thomas said, somehow rolling himself over to pull Newt in by the waist. It wasn't a big couch, so one of his legs stretched out to rest on the arm rest and Newt had to push his face into the nape of his neck to use his body as a pillow.

"I have a bed," Newt murmured, half asleep.

"I don't think we'll make it," Thomas answered when he noticed the ceiling had began to spin into a series of multicoloured patterns. He felt as if his heart was going to jump from his chest and create a very painful death if he moved. What if he stopped breathing? He didn't think he'd stop breathing, but his heart was very convincing. While he tried to pay attention to every inhale and exhale, a single thought repeated itself into the darkness.

_I am never going to drink again._

Eventually, Thomas managed to reach the remote and turn it to some soft spoken preacher in the late night. He'd never been religious, but the music they played was pretty, especially when the room swayed from underneath them. He nestled close to Newt, who hadn't made it far before falling asleep into his chest. It was nice, and before Thomas fell too, he could have sworn he heard Newt's parting words," I think I'm falling in love with you, Tommy."


	20. A user's dream

_Gatorade bottles often came in handy when one could not afford a better way to smoke meth._

_Thomas remembered the anticipation of it all, watching the small bubbles and the way smoke would filter into the room as someone took their turn. He didn't have a favorite way to do it, but he often found smoking it to be an easier release than injecting or digesting it. And... He enjoyed taking that first hit, when it felt as if the carpet of the hotel room was just another cloud to sit on as he laughed at the sudden freedom of power. He wanted to make everyone feel as good as him then, and anyone in that room suddenly became family in the time they remained high. They'd spend all night awake, talking about shit over and over until they'd become nestled together to snort what they had left. Women would hang themselves over the men who paid attention the most, whispering words to boost their high._

" _So strong," a woman purred into Thomas' ear," Fuck, you could have taken that asshole down."_

" _Next time, watch," Thomas said with a grin," Alby doesn't have shit on me. I got plenty of men behind me."_

_Winston nodded with a smirk," I'm just waiting for you to tell me when man. I'll bring a gun just as easy." He'd half fallen back into Thomas' lap, and Thomas was at the point where his body could have accomplished anything. He decided then, gesturing for the hotel bedroom that closed off to the mini living room._

" _Come on, bed."_

_One of the women smirked from the love seat," Always having fun without me." He couldn't remember if she'd been with them before, but he found he didn't actually care at the moment._

_Winston stuck his tongue out," Nope. I'm the only one getting fucked tonight, unless he goes easy, then I'll come back for you."_

_They all laughed at that, because Thomas had never went easy. He'd often get a few good rounds in and they'd all take a smoke break down by the stairs where the manager couldn't pin point who to take the smoke deposit from. By then, it would be morning somehow, and they'd all consider getting high again and doing something in town before the hotel kicked them out._

_It had always been the same_.

_Get high, get fucked, and try again._

Thomas, upon waking up in the brim of a harsh morning, had cold sweat drenching his shirt. He gasped for air as his hand clung to the first thing he found. 

_Newt._

For a moment, he had to force himself still as he ran the memories over and realized he hadn't fucked up. He hadn't gotten high again and it had just been one hell of a dream. The horrible feeling in his chest still remained though, and he might as well have done it anyways. He felt like he had. His fingers unwound themselves from Newt's side gently, and with another breath he managed to get off the couch and head to the bedroom where he kept his clothes. He grabbed some sweats and a large tank top, hoping Newt didn't wake up to him gone. It wasn't that he didn't want to stay, he just needed to get fresh air.

Thomas finished dressing and made sure to lock the door on his way out. It had just finished raining, but it hadn't been enough to really drench anything other than the side walk along the apartment. He wove his way through the parking lot and to the little basketball court surrounded by a chained link fence. It was empty, of course and Thomas was grateful for it. He had alot to go through in his head. The basketball some kids had left served as a great way to get started.

The dream then, had been one that he'd enjoyed.

He dribbled the basketball back and forth until he went for a free throw, and even if he couldn't feel the small victory of getting it in- it helped exert some nervous energy. 

_Enjoyment._

Thomas wouldn't lie to himself. He missed the power of confidence, the lies his drug told about his abilities and standings. Meth told him he could do anything and succeed, that his mind was just as powerful as the blood pumping energy into his veins. No one could stop him, and no one wanted too unless they were the enemy. 

He went for another throw, and another- until the muscles of his arms were so tense that he didn't even realize he'd dropped his keys on the court as he went for a lay up. 

_"I think I'm falling in love with you, Tommy."_

Thomas missed, and his hands found themselves resting on his knee as he gasped for air. Had he dreamt that too?

"Thomas?" 

He half turned and stiffened at the sight of Vince near passing the court headed to Newt's place. He'd finally been offered his address after the lunch, when Newt had yet to forgive him, but was willing enough to try. He tried to smile, but found he felt too sick too. "Hey uh-" he took in another rough breath," just working out."

"Want to play a quick game?"

Thomas wasn't sure he was allowed to say no, so he reached the ball and tossed it over to him. Maybe a second player would help. Vince dribbled the ball with ease, going between his legs just as Thomas reached to stop him. He didn't miss the swoosh of the basket and the way the ball fell straight through.

"This is perfect actually. I wanted to talk to you without Newt," he said, moving into place to block Thomas from an attempt at scoring. While Thomas struggled to even keep up, Vince seemed like he was completely in his comfort zone.

"Talk to me?" Thomas stretched his arm and went for a three pointer, and somehow grace had found its way to give him a lucky shot. He tried not to look too proud.

"I was a detective, but it doesn't mean I'm just going to research you. I'd rather you be straight up, since you're dating my son after all." What was it with people with badges giving him trouble? Thomas averted his gaze and set himself up for a screen, only to near slip on his keys that found themselves underneath his feet. Vince smirked a little," Is that a problem?"

"I have nothing to hide," Thomas said in reply.

"Good," Vince scored two points without even looking in the right direction," Where do you work then?"

Thomas furrowed his brows as they went across the court, dribbling what he'd managed to get after the last score," Uh, Target." It was hard staying focused when Vince was obviously more athletic. 

"College aspiration?"

"I dropped out of high school," he admitted, missing when he went to the basket, only because Vince had slammed the ball back along the fence. It rolled off and Thomas moved to get it with heavy sigh. Was this an interrogation?

"Why?" Vince asked. He had a challenge to his gaze, one Thomas wasn't about to step away from.

"My mom died," Thomas said, and he felt enough power in his words that he went for a shot too far to be probable. He was a little relieved when it went in and he scored three points. Not that they were counting it seemed. For a moment it was easier, only because Thomas was chasing him across the court again with great effort. He was out of breath, but the physical exertion is what he needed.

"Ever been arrested?" Vince asked, holding the basketball with steady hands. He'd just crossed the free throw line and Thomas wasn't too sure how he was going to play the rest of his moves.

Thomas found that it was impossible to lie now, not that he'd get away with it. "Once," he said," I did six months." A fact he hadn't even told Newt yet, though he'd hinted enough when they'd talked about their past mistakes.

Vince stopped his play to give him a look," For what?"

"Possession," Thomas said a little weak.

"For what?" Vince repeated, and everything was so much. Thomas pulled back from the center of the square and moved towards the fence. He wiped the sweat along his neck with the bottom of his shirt, and Vince pulled up beside him with an emotionless look towards the basket. Thomas could feel his heart race, like it was the dream all over again. He just wished he could be done with everything he'd ever been, but he was always going to be reminded, either by himself or the way others looked at him.

"For Meth," he said finally, and it felt so sickening to say out loud. 

Vince reached down to offer Thomas his keys back, the one silver loop that had his chips from his meetings. White, for the welcome, orange for thirty days, and red for sixty. Soon, he'd be claiming ninety. He'd been proud of the time, but now he felt like he didn't hold any at all. "Do you care about him?"

Thomas looked down at his keys and slowly lifted his head with wide eyes," I'd do anything for Newt, and I know I don't look like the best man, but I swear to God I would rather be shot again than ever hurt him."

Vince smiled a little and grabbed his shoulder," I don't hate you. I just have to be tough about this, since my son has a pretty bad record with who he falls for. Nothing against you."

"Yeah," Thomas said with a deep breath," I get it. I just hope that my past doesn't give you a certain type of impression of me before I can show you how much I love your son."

Vince smiled suddenly and tucked the ball under his arm before he gestured for Thomas to follow him. "You smoke?" He had a cigarette out of his pack and was offering it to Thomas, who moved forward to take it.

"Thanks," he said a bit awkwardly when Vince leaned over to light it. The smoke was a nice relief though, even if working in the thin air had done things to his throat. He tried not to put too much thought to the conversation they'd had, but Thomas couldn't help but feel worried he'd just ruined his second impression. Even if Newt wasn't close with his dad, it would have been nice if the guy liked him. Even if only a little bit.

He took a long drag and walked down the path towards the apartment, feeling Vince's gaze before he took in his words,"Is there anything else I should know?"

"No," Thomas said with a shrug," think you managed to get all the dirt." 

Vince sighed and looked back to him with something that almost signified an apology, but it was cut short when Thomas snubbed his cigarette on the side of the building and went to unlock the door. "He's probably sleeping still. I try to let him get as much as he needs. His classes have been pretty rough lately."

He pushed open the door and Vince stepped behind him to take it all in. In the walk way there was a side table with a framed picture of Gally and Newt smoking a blunt, but he tried to slide past it so Vince would find something else to look at. He heard some commotion from the kitchen and moved to see Newt was stirring something into a bowl, his hair wet and his eyes less groggy from the drunken stupor of last night. "Hey ba-" Newt stopped a little when he saw Vince," Dad? Wasn't expecting you, something happen?" 

"No, just wanted to stop by. Played some ball with Thomas," he smiled at him, but Thomas moved for a bottle of water from the fridge to ease his thirst. He finished half of it and eyed what Newt was stirring. Chocolate? 

He raised a brow and gestured to the hall," I'm going to jump in the shower."

"Alright," Newt leaned forward to kiss his cheek," your new toothbrush is still in the package. Memorize the color or I'll murder you while you sleep."

Vince watched them with a small grin, leaned back against the wall as Thomas left. Newt tried to get back to work, grabbing the package of brownies to read the next instructions. He squinted a little and bit his lip," I hope I have the right pan for this. Normally I just store buy."

Newt could feel his father's gaze, but he felt more in his element now. He was a proper adult, he had his shit together and his gracious boyfriend would be out any minute to help him navigate the minefield Vince tended to create with words. That bastard better be anyways. "What's the occasion?" Vince asked casual enough.

"Tommy has a class he takes. They're uh, having a sort of get together tomorrow and I wanted to bring something." He waved a little over the bowl," They're always bringing the best damn pies, so my brownies have to be successful." Really, he wanted these people to like him. They meant alot to Thomas, and that was enough to try, even if it meant showing how he couldn't bake with step by step instructions.

"You like this guy a lot, huh?" Vince leaned up against the counter, and Newt bit his lip with a shrug. He wasn't about to have a conversation with his dad about Thomas. It was too soon that he'd come back into his life, and things still felt new."I got to talk to him, learned a little about him."

Newt dropped the spoon he'd been mixing with," Please tell me you didn't interrogate him like every other person I've had in my life."

"I didn't," Vince insisted," but he was extremely open about his past."

"I knew it!" Newt pushed back and crossed his arms," That's why he was a little off coming in. You don't realize, I can read that man with my eyes closed and you definitely bloody did."

Vince held his hand up defensively," I just wanted to know what kind of man he was. It's a father's duty-"

"Really?" Newt raised a brow as he leaned back against the door of the fridge with a testing gaze," Because before him I dated a meth dealer, and before that I dated a man who left me for a prostitute- I guess you already know about the guy who left me to run from the law in Mexico. It seems you're curiosity does nothing but help your own needs."

Vince steadied his gaze as he stepped forward," I wasn't going to say anything about what Thomas is or isn't. That boy seems to have a pure heart, and I'm happy for you two. It seems like he's been through a lot, as have you."

Newt faltered," Oh. Well, you see that is highly unlike you."

"People change," Vince said, and he moved beside him to read the back of the package. In a quieter voice, he read it out," You need an eight by eight sized pan, and you should have set the oven to get it warm, but it'll be fine." He reached over to set it to 350°.

Newt cleared his throat and moved for his cup of tea, sipping on it a little sheepishly. Now that he'd yelled at the man, he felt further sass could wait. At least until Vince changed his mind. "Thanks," he managed," maybe they'll have edible brownies after all. And by edible I mean actually edible, there is no weed whatsoever in these brownies."

Vince grinned," I'd hope so. Don't think Thomas' class would much appreciate it."

"Speaking of Thomas," Newt set his pot holder aside and brushed off his shirt of left over cocoa powder," I'm going to make sure you didn't scare him out of the bathroom window. You do tend to come off as intimidating." Really, part of it was a joke, the other wasn't too sure. He knocked on the door once before pushing it open to see Thomas was in fact, actually taking a shower. He leaned up against the door when he'd closed it behind him," One might think you're waiting for my father to leave."

"What? And miss his company?"

Newt leaned back against the wall with a sigh, picking at something in his nails as he noticed the state of the sink. It was clean, but it had Thomas' deodorant and razors on one side, along with his clean clothes set out. It felt so familiar now, to have his home collecting the man's things. "Tommy, move in with me." It had come out so suddenly that he hadn't even realized what he'd said until Thomas poked his heat out from the curtains with furrowed brows.

"You want me to move in?"

Newt looked away," Well, only if you wanted. I'm not going to force you or anything."

Thomas still had shampoo in his hair, and water glistened across his broad shoulders and the sharpness of his collar bones. Newt loved looking at him, dressed or not. He was pretty for a man, that was obvious to anyone, really. Did the idea of someone moving in scare him? It should, but this was Thomas. He wasn't one of the men that held their own doubts, or had Newt wondering what date would be the last. "I mean," he shrugged a little," you're already here all the time anyways."

"I'd like to move in," Thomas said, and the uncertainty and excitement in his eyes was adorable. Newt wanted to kiss him then, but he found his own nerves turning him towards the door abruptly.

"Um, okay. Guess I'll get out there, so he doesn't think we're uh- you know doing something sinful." Newt wasn't even sure why he had the sudden flutter in his stomach, as if Thomas would have said no. They really had been moved in for quite some time where it counted. This was just making it official. He opened the door, and just as he closed it, he could hear the soft breath and chuckle from the shower.

"Dork,"Newt muttered with fondness, and he had to stand in the hallway for a moment to keep his heart beat at a normal pace. When he made his way back to the kitchen, Vince was staring out the window with a soft smile. It wasn't until he stepped beside him that he saw the timid snowflakes drop down with a swift breeze. "If Thomas gets a cold because you interrogated him in this weather, you're paying for his doctor visit."

Vince huffed a little," He was already out there."

Newt rolled his eyes and went for his laptop setting on the counter with an unedited piece. He had a week to finish, but he still needed to start somewhere today. He couldn't help all the distractions that seemed to be around as of late. Cracking his knuckles, he tried to steady his gaze to at least the intro, which he hadn't bothered reading yet. "So any plans for the day?" Vince asked from the side.

"Um," Newt straightened up with a sigh," I have a little work. Thomas and I may do some grocery shopping, drop by a friend's shop. Sorry to inform you, we've become quite awfully boring."

Vince grinned at the idea," Boring isn't so bad."

Newt wouldn't say they were completely boring. They were mundane, maybe, but even a shopping trip would turn into an adventure most of the time. It wasn't something he'd take for granted, doing chores and work with Thomas. Even washing the dishes had it's moments, when Thomas would mouth the lyrics to an 80's rock band, and Newt would toss water at him until they were both drenched with soap and laughing at something that made no real sense in the world. He cherished those moments the most.

For the next ten minutes they sort of brought up the smallest topics, as if anything else was too dangerous. Vince would ask about his grades, his job, how life was in general without being too direct... He was half out of answers, when Vince turned his head.

"Thomas," Vince said in greeting," How are you feeling?"

Thomas had a towel thrown across his shoulders, and was dressed in proper jeans and a long sleeved shirt that had the same color green often hidden in the brown of his eyes. He stretched his arms out with a soft yawn," Like I need a gallon of coffee."

Newt raised his mug and gestured to the new coffee pot they'd gotten a few weeks previous. Thomas took it with a grateful look before moving to prepare himself a drink, finding the sugar and creamer with ease as Vince remained at a distance. He seemed to be watching Thomas, in a way a detective might try to calculate a criminal's next move. Or maybe it was a father watching his son's new lover, and Newt could finally rest in his house with the idea things could become normal.

"We'll have to have dinner sometime," Vince said," You know, something nice at home. I don't live far from here, you two are always free to drop by."

Thomas sipped on his coffee and looked over at Newt, who was in a much better mood than he'd been first waking up. Newt shrugged a little," Sure, yeah... We could do a dinner." And when he looked to Thomas, the sensors in his head went off to an alarming feat. He hadn't been joking when he'd said he could read Thomas. Now, when he saw him smile, he could see the different tension in his shoulders and the way his fingers tapped along the edge of the counter. Something was stuck in that pretty head of his, and Newt wasn't sure if it had anything to do with his father or not. At this point, he sort of hoped it did.

The morning was a lazy one. Vince and Thomas had sat down in front of the TV to watch the highlights of a basketball game while Newt cleaned up the mess he'd made baking brownies. It wasn't awful, other than the fact Thomas clearly had nervous energy radiating off of him. He fumbled with the remote and his leg kept shaking as they talked about some player wounding his leg. They weren't arguing, so that was a good sign.

In the end Vince had parted over some phone call regarding business. Newt hadn't asked for more information, but he tried to offer him a parting smile even if it still felt a little odd to have him around. Thomas remained on the couch, nodding his head with acknowledgement when Vince said his goodbye. When Newt locked the door back he sighed with relief," That wasn't so awful."

"Yeah," Thomas said, still with that far away look.

Newt lowered down into Thomas' lap, who lifted his head with an affectionate gaze. He didn't say anything, but the way his hand rubbed against his waist was enough for Newt to feel welcomed. "What's on your mind?" Newt asked, playing with Thomas' hair," Is it... The whole moving in thing? Was it too sudden?"

He couldn't think of anything else that had happened recently. 

"What?" Thomas furrowed his brows and pulled him in close, only for a small smirk to slip along his lips," No, of course not. I mean maybe ask me outside of the shower next time you have a big question." Okay, Newt deserved that.

His hands unwound from strands of Thomas' hair to press against his chest. It was rather lovely being held by him, even if he wouldn't ever admit it. He didn't feel as if he were a mere trophy piece to be used for display. He felt... Well, he felt a lot of things about Thomas. "I just meant you seem distracted," Newt said.

Thomas pushed a hand over Newt's cheek, his thumb moving soft circles into his skin in a way that always had him pushing forward for more of his warmth," I had a bad dream," Thomas whispered," but I promise I'm okay. I just had to get it out of my head."

"What kind of dream?" Newt pressed.

"The kind that's bad," Thomas offered, which definitely had him deserving the swat to his shoulder as Newt pulled himself from his lap. Thomas' brightened up," Come on, I couldn't help myself." Newt tossed his jacket onto him and grabbed his keys," Newt!"

"Tommy, get in the car and put on a proper jacket. We need to go shopping. I won't let you sit here and be all nervous on our couch," he said, and they needed eggs. He mentally added it to the list as he held a hand out for his complicated boyfriend. Thomas raised a brow, and Newt answered with a smirk," And we have to pick up your things from Minho."

The comment was enough to encourage Thomas to grab his coat. Though, if Newt had known how long they'd be at the grocery store, perhaps he would have told Thomas to bring along something to drink. In the middle of their shopping, the man let out a low groan as he pushed the cart," Newt I might die of thirst."

Newt picked out a loaf of bread and tossed it into the front seat with a raised brow," I had water in the car."

"The car is like a mile away from us and it's freezing," Thomas replied, because he was dating a child. Newt should have known. He watched as he turned towards a small advertisement with a kitten eating crackers and awwed audibly," That's so cute. Newt, look at the baby."

"I see it," Newt said, trying to count the things off on his mental list. Thomas stopped to observe something else on the shelf, and Newt for a moment lost his train of thought when he caught himself admiring his boyfriend. Again. His eyes widened as a sudden idea took place in his mind," Tommy... Go to isle ten and pick out some lemonade, please."

"The soda or like actual lemonade?" Thomas said with a straight face," because your british slang sometimes throws me off."

"I don't have slang," Newt said with narrowed eyes," just any sort of lemonade. Doesn't matter, just make sure you take your time looking at the prices. Cheapest option, but not one with too much sugar."

Thomas nodded a little," Okay, cheap and healthy." He made a popping noise with his lips and began to saunter four isles down, slow enough for Newt to grab his phone and hit his speed dial. Gally answered on the third ring.

"Hey I'm in the middle-"

"Quick question, where was that address again? You know the one you mentioned like three days ago?" Newt looked around the isle to make sure Thomas was far enough.

"For Adam? Wait, why?" Gally rustled something in the background, and Newt heard a distant cough. "I thought you said you'd never consider it because it was too much work, and your apa-"

"Yeah, yeah," Newt said in a rush," It's for Thomas. I asked him to move in with me, and it would just be something nice. If you could send it to me, that'd be great."

"Oh my god, you're in love with him," Gally said suddenly.

"Gally!" Newt grasped the cart," Come on, help me out here. We can talk about my feelings later." Never, actually. They would never talk about his feelings. 

Gally laughed," Fine, I'll send it over. I can't believe a guy has this much over you though. You'd never do it for me."

"I'm not in love with you, Gally."

"Ha!" Gally said," See!"

Newt hung up, because he'd rather take the chance with aimlessly driving, if Gally decided not to come through. He'd find it. He felt his phone vibrate suddenly as Thomas made the corner with two large bottles of yellow fanta and country lemonade. When Newt raised a brow at him, he merely shrugged," So, I wasn't going to take my chances. You can pick one and I'll put the other back."

Newt couldn't be annoyed at him. Not when he was so excited to do the most miniscule of things for him. It wasn't fair how helpful he was. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips between a smile," We can get both. Come on, there's a stop on the way to Minho's shop I need to make."

Thomas looked at him with a fixated gaze, a small smile appearing on his lips," What kind of stop?" 

Newt rolled his eyes and took the lemonade from him to toss it into the basket. Pushing the cart forward, Newt bit his lip in thought," Maybe condoms as well? I think we're running low."


	21. He is King

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing with a furious cold, so I do apologize for any horrid mistakes. Hope this story is entertaining or interesting so far, stay safe and don't go on blind dates with thugs

It was still cold as hell, so leaving groceries in the car wasn't that big of a deal. Unless someone stole his eggs, Newt wouldn't mind taking his time at Adam's, who owned a large mobile home just along the city's edge. It was closer to the abondos, so it wouldn't be an adventure to Minho's shop later on. Not that this wasn't an adventure. Thomas leaned forward and let out a fogged breath, ice caressing the tops of the windows with thin hands. He had a water in his lap he'd just finished chugging, and now he was holding back a cough," I remember sleeping in weather like this without a window."

Newt squeezed his hand," Now you get to go home and be warm, Tommy. I just have one teensy little surprise first."

"Is it going to hurt?" Thomas asked, and Newt had to actually look at him to realize he was kidding. He untangled his fingers from Thomas' and rolled his eyes in response. 

Stepping outside was more than difficult when they were leaving the comforts of a warm car and nestled jackets used as blankets. Thomas rubbed his hands together and followed Newt up the creaking wooden stairs of Adam's front porch. "The fact you didn't answer makes me think this is going to hurt," Thomas said as they waited for someone to answer the knock.

And in the midst of the winter fueled wind, Newt wondered how his life choices had ended up here. Thomas had his hands shoved into his pocket when Adam pushed open the door and sighed in relief to see it was only Newt. They'd never met in person, but Gally must have given him a heads up.

"Hey, Gally sent me," Newt said, just in case. Gally bought all his pot from the guy, so he was to be trusted. Adam eyed Thomas for a moment and broke out in a wide grin.

"I know," Adam said, holding open the door," He told me it was a present for your boyfriend. Dude, that's like really cool. I'm totally all for gay people and shit."

Cool. Newt forced a grin and ignored Thomas' furrowed brows of confusion. It was cute though, so he actually spent a moment admiring him as they stepped into the heated room. It had the left over scent of pot and an incense, and Newt was quite proud of himself when he could narrow it down to three strains. Kids toys were pushed up into a pile, and there was a little play pen in the center of the living room set aside a flat screen TV. Thomas took one step and froze," Oh my God. Oh-"

Newt tried to hide his victorious smirk. "Fifty for one, right?" 

Adam reached for a beer on the coffee table and slouched back against the arm rest of his couch," Yeah man, don't worry about it. I'm trying to get rid of them anyways and Gally's a good friend. Just don't pick the gray one, my girl already has dibs."

Thomas was already on his knees in front of the play pen, where a handful of kittens spread out and chewed on each other's tails and ears. Newt, having seen the look on Thomas' face of pure, adorable glee, found that he would never stop falling for the man in front of him. It was fate, or whatever people called it. It had a hold of him, and he was quite grateful for being it's prisoner.

"Wait," Thomas' eyes widened," I can get one? How did you know I wanted a kitten?" He was dying of excitement, and Newt watched as he reached his hand out to caress an orange tabby. They were probably only eight weeks old, tiny little creatures loud enough to wake an army.

"I do pay attention when you speak," Newt informed with affection.

"Oh god, you're just so small," Thomas cooed, and he bit back soft laughter as the orange one clawed its way up his jacket sleeve. "He reminds me of Simba from the Lion King."

As if in agreement, the kitten let out a soft cry in response. 

"Yeah, buddy, you feel like a Simba?" Thomas watched with a careful gaze, and the kitten climbs its way up to perch on his shoulder. The others were still stumbling over the blanket and trying to find a way out.

"I think he's picked you," Newt said with a wide grin. Was it weird that this entire image would only serve to make him more attracted to Thomas? What was the true power of kittens? The orange fur ball was quite a loud one, and Newt could already see him growing up to be a little trouble maker. The thought caught him off guard when he realized he would see the kitten grow up. Thomas was living with him, and this was all real. This was happening and adopting this child would be another step into building a life with Thomas.

And what did that mean? Newt took in a deep breath and tried to steady himself, and was thrown out of his sudden anxiety provoking thoughts when Thomas stood up to reveal the kitten had found its way inside his jacket. His little head poked out and he yelled at all his viewers with a soft mew. "I want this one. He's going to be the king of the pride lands and I love him already."

Adam smirked," We call that one beans cause he stinks up the room after he eats."

Newt was thrown from the cliff of uncertainty and doubt, though this time he did not wound himself on jagged ends. He was caught by the allure of Thomas' presence, his being and his nature that Newt could find no fault in. Even the scarred tendencies embedded within his soul felt beautiful to touch, and now he could only smile at him and nod," Simba it is then."

  
And that is how they ended up in a small tattoo shop with a kitten snuggled into Thomas' warmth. The entire ride had been full of affection as Thomas kept whispering soft words to Simba, and smiling that pure joy that spread throughout Newt from the driver's side. Minho had taken one look and shook his head," You went out and got him a cat."

"Well," Newt said," he kept on about it. Found it was impossible not too."

Thomas had went to the back to show his child off to Brenda, who'd been waiting for a time to brandish her new art work. She drew for them occasionally and today she seemed to be working on some sort of dragon, though Newt was busy scanning what was already printed in the books.

"I don't think I've ever seen him this happy," Minho whispered," It's like he's a kid again."

Newt felt heat rush through his cheeks, and he shrugged a little. Minho saved him a knowing glance and leaned up against the counter. He wasn't sure what was up with Minho in all honesty. They weren't strangers, but Newt had never really gotten to know him to the point Thomas had Gally. He was kind, but he was also too intuitive for his own good.

"I know how he feels," Newt said finally. He could hear laughter in the back where they often took their breaks. It was separate from the little lounge with magazines and art work pinned to the wall, lit by neon signs. He didn't think he'd ever get enough of Thomas' laughter.  
  
The door opened, ringing the soft bell on the top. Newt turned, half expecting Gally, only to see a younger man with shadow brimmed under his blue eyes and a hoodie pulled up to cover the long strands of hair that stuck out anyways. Minho tensed a little," Aris, what's up?"  
  
Aris, was it? Newt narrowed his gaze but he tried to appear interested in some sort of symbol in one of the books. The young man stepped over to the counter, and from this angle Newt could see his sleeve peaking from his jacket, a beautiful display Minho must have finished himself. "Hey," Aris said," I was wondering if-" half a glance to the side, and Aris froze at the sight of Newt.

Newt felt his heart race for no real reason, and his fingers grasped the edge of the counter as he tried to convince his mind it was just another stranger. He'd never met this man in his entire life. Newt couldn't let his gaze stray though, as much as he tried. Aris pushed his hoodie up further and turned abruptly," I'll come back when you're not busy."

Newt could only let his breath escape when the door shut again, and when he did, he turned towards Minho," Who is he?"

"One of Thomas' old friends," Minho replied, half glancing to make sure they hadn't heard in the back. "I try to be nice, but I don't like them hanging around for Thomas' sake. He's on the shit bad."

"Right," Newt said, still a little thrown off. Something felt colder than the air outside, and he couldn't quite put his finger on it. The man that had just walked in, he looked more than a little familiar. 

  
The feeling didn't necessarily leave when they did. In fact, he felt off about it all through the afternoon when they'd made soup and crackers to sit in front of the television while Thomas pushed a feather across Simba's face. Newt sat criss crossed with a pillow in his lap, the one his neighbor had knitted, before reaching for his bowl of noodles. "I think I pretty much got all my stuff from Minho's," Thomas informed.

"Hm," Newt played around with the vegetables and eyed the fur ball that was pouncing around," That's good. Less work for us then."

Thomas shifted on the couch to eye him, his food already finished and setting empty on the coffee table. "What's wrong?"

Newt pushed his food aside and tried to find an actual answer. He wasn't sure why he felt so off all of a sudden, especially since it had been a very nice day. That was a lie, he knew. He knew exactly what the issue was, but part of him was certain it was paranoia. "You never saw his face, the man who shot us."

Thomas seemed to be thrown off by this, and he averted his gaze towards the television. Simba was chewing on the string of his hoodie. "No," he said," I was looking back. I'd recognized you from the pictures and I was thinking maybe I should have said something."

"Not even his jacket?" Newt asked, and he moved a finger across the one thrown across the couch," It had a pattern at the side that had been sown in. Like a number or something."

"Did something happen?" Thomas asked, and his arm outstretched to squeeze Newt's knee.

"No," Newt said, because this was a nice day, and he often found ways of ruining those much too easily. "I just had a memory. Nothing to worry over, love."

Thomas bit back a grin, and it took a moment for Newt to realize it was because of the nickname. He slouched back into the cushion and paid more attention to their child. He was kneading away on Thomas' leg, who had half a hand cupped around his tiny orange head. This, Newt thought, was the definition of true happiness, and no one was going to convince him otherwise.

Alby threw his head back against the couch as music blared from a stereo. The entire room smelt of a thick ammonia and sex, though it never really left. There was always a party at his place, wether he called it or had some of his men spend the night to round up a few chics. He drank a beer now as Winston perched himself up on the arm rest," I just... find it funny."

Alby stared forward without emotion.

"We all know you put the hit out on Thomas," Winston said, already buzzed out of his mind," I mean, I would too. The dude stole from you."

Alby lifted his chin," What's your point Winston?"

"Well," a few other men eyed Winston with a look of warning, but the man didn't seem to register it as he gestured around with his foaming beer," He lived, and then he stole from you again. Right?" He tried to hype up the others with a bout of laughter," I mean, he's fucking your toy and you still have meth that hasn't been paid for."

Alby's jaw clenched as he turned," Are you laughing at me?"

Winston's eyes widened," No, no man. I'm laughing with you! I mean, Thomas is fucking work. I'm telling you right now, you give me the orders and he's gone."

Alby smirked low, and chugged the rest of his drink," I have another plan." He gestured with his eyes alone to his men, and they stood up to move towards Winston. "Take care to make sure he doesn't mouth off to me again."

  
Gally groaned as he leant back, and Minho rubbed a hand along his bare shoulder with a sigh. The essential oils felt nice, but he was so damn tense from working over time. Brenda painted her nails on the other end of the bed and raised a brow when she heard him," Is that of pleasure or pain?"

"Both?" Gally said, half turning to eye them.

"You're over working," Minho pushed him against a pillow and moved to straddle his waist, his hands splayed on the tense parts of his back. Brenda bit her lip as she watched her two boyfriends with a slow forming smirk. She finished with a nail and blew on it, kicking her legs forward.

"Guys, I told you that position was a little more difficult for the less flexible."

Gally huffed," For Minho maybe. I'm just sore from working out." At that, Minho pushed hard into his skin, causing him to cry out a curse. "Fuck! Minho! I have a bruise there!"

Minho chuckled," Big baby." 

"Our big baby," Brenda cooed playfully, and Gally raised his hand to flip them off from where he lied. He sat up a bit and Minho pushed himself off to grab the water on the bed side table. Gally half turned, the familiar scent of Minho's cologne lingering on one of the pillows. They stayed at his place more often, merely because the bed was big enough for three. Gally wasn't sure how they'd all managed to get together, but he enjoyed every moment that passed. Sometimes, he felt like he'd only have them for so long before they thought it wasn't fun anymore.

"When can we tell people about us?" He asked a little quiet.

Minho raised a brow, "Do people need to know?"

Gally tried not to look disappointed, because he wasn't the emotional one in this relationship. He refused to be. He lounged back with a casual shrug that they probably saw through anyways," Guess not, just seems to confuse our friends."

Brenda looked over," I don't blame them. Gally's right, we should be able to tell our friends."

Minho looked back and forth from them, the silent leader, they'd say. He often said more with his looks alone, but tonight he lied back in the middle of the bed and whispered with a gentle voice, "Come here. Both of you."   
  
Brenda bit her lip and slid to his side as Gally mumbled a few words about distractions, though eventually his head found it's way on to his shoulder, and Brenda reached out across Minho's stomach to hold Gally's hand. It was silent for a little while, as they each listened to each other breathe into the room where they were allowed to openly love. Gally found that this was an answer enough eventually. He could go a day in the dark, so long as it meant being touched by these two people.

  
The small patio outside had enough shelter for the brush of wind that threw it's water with a murderous intent. Simba was passed out in the room, and Thomas made sure to watch him for a good twenty minutes before parting. Just in case. Newt was lounged back across the camping chair he had set out, a thick blunt between his lips. He looked exhausted, from what Thomas could tell before he slid open the glass door and witnessed sheer horror cross Newt's face as he fumbled to throw the blunt somewhere. 

"Don't hide it," Thomas said," I know you smoke pot when I'm asleep."

Newt cursed under his breath when the rolled swisher landed on the floor. He bent down to pick it up, his cheeks either red from the cold or embarrassment of being caught, "I was trying to be respectful."

Thomas plopped down into the chair beside him and outstretched his hand, "It's pot. You worry too much."

Newt raised a brow as the smoke created a whirlwind between his fingers," Are you sure?"

He could have went on a whole spill over how marijuana had it's health benefits, or that smoking once wouldn't ruin his entire recovery, but Thomas found he was tired of explaining it. So, he shrugged as he took it from Newt," Yeah. Pretty sure."

Thomas took in a long drag and found it surprised him when it didn't taste like any of the weed he'd smoked before. It was sweet, and smooth enough that he didn't need to cough as he blew out a thick swirl of smoke. He licked his lips with furrowed brows, and Newt chuckled," That, would be the beauty of gushers."

Thomas eyed the blunt and handed it over to Newt, who had a peculiar sort of look on him. Maybe he thought it was weird, letting him smoke with him after he'd sat in on a few meetings. The thing was, some of those people really did have trouble with everything. Thomas knew himself though, and he hadn't ever been homeless for smoking too much green or drinking too many beers. He didn't understand the idea of quitting everything when it was clear what the real issue was. Now, if Newt could just refrain from telling his sponsor.

By the end of their smoke session, Thomas had his head thrown back against the edge of the chair and he was smoking off a cigarette with relaxed shoulders. _Shit_ , he thought, _might not be able to walk inside_. Newt looked quite fine beside him, though he also did this every night. He turned his head and felt the wind pick up, and noticed Newt was playing with the edge of the chair where a single strand had come undone.

"You think God exists?" 

Thomas raised a brow," Wow, that's such a powerful question." He laughed a little, shrugging in his chair," I mean ... Something exists. Something had us on that mountain."

"Right," Newt picked at the string and closed his eyes," I still don't understand how it's even possible."

"When we were hiking, I kept thinking I heard my mom whispering to me," he admitted in a soft voice. Newt lifted his head, his eyes trained on Thomas' features, who felt a little odd speaking about her now. He bit his lip and felt how dry they'd become in the cold air," I wish she could have seen me get better."

"She would be proud of you, Tommy."

"I hope so," Thomas said, his gaze seeing far more than the edge of the patio, the soft light above illuminating their bodies in the darkness. "I uh-" he let out a sigh that followed with smoke, and Newt reached out to take his cigarette when he offered," I was in jail when she passed."

Newt smashed the cigarette into the ash tray and scooted closer to him," Hey," his hand reached out for Thomas'," Wherever we were... It was real, and if you say you heard her voice, I have to believe it was really her."

Thomas offered him up a small smile, because regardless of what remained true, what they had been through could never be taken away from them. This connection, whatever it was called, it was enough to make all the pressing questions a mere passing thought. He sat there for a while it seemed, before he realized he still had a hold of Newt's hand," Hey..." He sat up a little," You think all Daniel's are evil? I mean the dude from the news and then-"

"Oh my god," Newt said," Why does that make perfect sense?"

"I don't know, we smoked a lot," Thomas said with furrowed brows. "But I think sober that still makes alot of sense. I mean, think about it. Karen, Chad... They're like a life force."

Newt's eyes widened," Woah."

"Yeah," he agreed. And the night was alright, except for the part where Thomas had to force his legs to bed. His vision had soft lines of lilac, and he swayed gently until he collapsed beside Simba. Newt groaned as he stretched and tried to keep from lying down on top of the small child stretched out across the pillow.

"Ugh, he's a pillow hog," Newt said.

Thomas scooped up the fur ball and nestled him close to the nape of his neck, which caused a small cry of impatience from the kitten. "Shhhh, it's okay. Daddy's here."

Newt's eyes widened," I've an issue with you calling yourself that."

Thomas shifted his position on the bed and looked over at him," What? Daddy?"

"Good night, Tommy." Newt grabbed his share of the blankets and turned around to face the wall. Thomas, who was fighting an avalanche of different thoughts as the high reached its peak, lowered his head to the pillow with a small grin.

Twenty minutes later, Thomas let out a soft sigh," Oh, I get it."

"I said good night!"


	22. Fuck Target

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sex, Threats, and Dressing Rooms ahead
> 
> I really tried making this chapter decent, my head is a whirlwind of thoughts, but writing helps.
> 
> I really appreciate every read!! Hope the week goes well for y'all, it's a crazy year.

_Today, just for today, let someone live in your beauty of love_

  
Newt often imagined a world set aside from it's societal boundaries fueled by hatred and selfishness. He had once been a young child, who only knew that for some reason people who were different weren't worth as much as the norm. He found it odd, since the regular people were easy enough to find. Was it not the rare gems that were considered more valuable? So then, why not the same for humanity as a whole? When he grew up, he'd learned it was because the different sort of people did not play by the rules, because the rules were fucking stupid.

He rubbed at his eyes and stopped in his place along the cold tiled floor of the kitchen. Thomas, shirtless and quite toned now, had his kitten perched up on his shoulder as he cut some vegetables on the tray. "He just sits there like that?" Newt asked in disbelief.

Thomas half turned and Simba hollered out as his nails dug into the nape of his neck to keep steady," Ah, yeah," Thomas winced a little, but didn't make a move to stop him," He likes seeing high up. He wouldn't stop yelling until I let him up here."

Newt raised a brow," Well that's the oddest thing I've ever seen." He trailed forward and grabbed a plastic container to help Thomas prep his lunch for the day. "You're eating healthy. What? Jalapeno cheetos get old?"

"Sort of, plus I'm trying to gain muscle mass while sticking to a clean diet," Thomas explained as he reached for the block of cheese and lunch meat. Newt wouldn't complain about the healthier meals he prepped for dinner, not when he could already see it's affects. Besides the obvious definition of muscle along his arms and stomach from working out more, Thomas just had alot more energy through the day. He eyed the redbull beside his lunch and raised a brow.

"Maybe I'll come up to eat lunch with you on your break," Newt said with a soft smirk," I'll even wear my tight jeans."

"I am supposed to take an hour lunch because of the over time," Thomas said, and Simba at this point, clawed his way down onto the counter to sniff the cut cucumber. 

"And I'm taking a break from a rather rude writer," Newt said with the same enthusiasm. In all honesty he'd yet to start and the procrastination had become quite a skill. He was beginning to think free lance work wasn't as sustainable as a job in retail, not when you had a hot boyfriend to distract you everyday.

Thomas flashed an award winning grin," Alright. Give me ten, I still need to grab my shirt."

"Pity they don't let you work without one," Newt said, admiring the view he had now. The things he could do to Thomas if it weren't for the fact they had actual lives... He'd always had a high sex drive, but now living together- it was near torture. He sighed dramatically," Though not sure I'd like someone getting this all day." His fingers splayed out along Thomas' stomach.

Thomas leaned forward, and just as Newt was considering asking him to call in sick- Simba let out a whiney roar, for the half cut cucumber he'd been playing with had rolled into the dish water. "Your child wants you," Newt said, and he smirked a little as he moved out of the kitchen with a cup of tea. He'd get his alone time soon enough.

  
Thomas finished styling his hair half way into the store when he spilled his red bull down his shirt trying to fix his collar. He let out a sigh of defeat and looked down at the blotch of wetness, wondering if this meant he'd have one of _those_ days. Marie stifled a laugh and waved, but he was already turning to the bathroom with his empty can in hand. Pushing it open, his eyes widened as Carl, the guy from electronics finished snorting the rest of the powder on the sink counter. 

"Uh, hey I thought I locked that," Carl mustered.

Thomas backed into the door," Uh, I didn't see any of that." He near stumbled when he made his way out and ditched the drink into the trash. _Great_ , he thought with a racing heart, Carl was doing coke in the Target bathroom and he was completely fine with forgetting about it entirely. He let out a painful breath and moved towards his register where Jessica was waiting to give him all the details about a new hook up.

The first few hours of his shift went in a kind of haze, because he couldn't get the damn picture out of his head. He wasn't surprised, he just hadn't ever thought Carl would bring the shit here. He was frank with a customer about a coupon, and ended up being reprimanded by the manager who couldn't understand what had happened to his easy going attitude. He'd said it was stress, and the manager had given him a kind smile and a warning look," Just breathe, Thomas. We're all a family here."

 _Family_. He laughed a little and averted his gaze to the two women that often watched him. He bit his lip and pressed on though, even making a small text to Frypan as a little gesture of goodwill for himself. It was a simple hey man, bad day- but every text helped when it came to his sponsor. As the hour grew close to lunch, he felt an unbearable energy stir within his stomach. No reply from Frypan, and now Carl was sauntering his way over to his register looking a bit run down. He offered up a wicked smile as he leaned up against the register,"So uh... Thomas, Tom... Big boy."

Thomas stared forward with a deadpan expression," I won't tell management, Carl. You're fine."

"Hey," Carl laughed a little," I wasn't worried. Come on, we're friends, aren't we?"

Thomas tried to bite his tongue," I think you're cool, but maybe keep the drugs at home next time."

Carl held his hands out," Hey, I'm not hurting anyone here, and I always have plenty to share." His viridian gaze was toxic, in a way that was too familiar to Thomas, who tried distracting himself with a bunch of paperclips in a little cup. He was thrown off when Carl whistled low," Oh shit."

"What?" Thomas asked.

Carl leaned forward even more into his space, because apparently Thomas was approachable. The younger man raised a brow, a vile smirk growing onto his thin lips, "You want some?"

The question echoed within his mind. It would be easy, he knew. Snort a single line and hide it from everyone else he cared about just for a little buzz. He didn't have a problem with coke, so maybe it wasn't even that big of a deal. Still, his entire body grew stiff as he tried to voice his answer," I-"

He was caught off by the sudden presence of a blonde beauty, trailing his way towards the isle. Carl turned to follow his gaze and slapped a hand down," We'll talk later."

Something in Thomas twisted, painfully, but he forced a smile as Newt pushed himself forward for a kiss," Hey gorgeous," he said," Missed you." Thomas didn't say that they'd only been away for a few hours, because everything in his entire being was screaming for what he'd been offered. He could get high just once, and everything would be fine. Newt furrowed his brows when he didn't get a response," Is everything alright?"

Thomas grabbed Newt by the hand and pulled him out of the isle. He wasn't sure what he was even doing until he found his way to the clothes section, where some chic constantly snuck out to take hour long calls. He practically drug Newt, opening the changing room to lock them both in with a final, heavy sigh. 

"Tommy, wha-"

Before Newt could even ask about their sudden detour, Thomas slammed him up against the door and took his lips captive for a desperate kiss, one that continued as he shoved his hands under his shirt and gripped Newt closer. A gasp left the blonde when Thomas' lips found his neck, his entire body grabbing for the high that friction brought. He pushed into Newt, who stifled a soft moan between his lips," Did you clock out?" He mustered, his fingers tangling into Thomas' hair.

Thomas couldn't breathe, and he found the only source of any sanity he had could be sealed by another kiss from Newt, so long as he never strayed. He grabbed at Newt's belt and pulled it from his waist band with determined hands," Doesn't matter."

He wondered if his plea for the plane of existence in which euphoric sensations bled into their bodies was heard through his gaze alone, or if it was the way he raked his nails across Newt's hips when they pushed for a deeper kiss. He handled Newt with ease, though the blonde seemed to read his hands just as quickly when he pressed him against the side bar turned around" Tommy-"

He did not hesitate as he may have in the bedroom at times when they were still exploring what worked, what was too much- because now he could only demand and hope that Newt wanted something rough. He needed the horrid storm in his chest to be tamed with the heat of a body, and Newt seemed to understand enough. He hissed a little when Thomas finally pushed the head of his member past his rim, stretching the muscle with only the slick of pre cum as help. Newt grabbed onto the bar and took in a sharp breath," Don't-" he said," Don't stop. Just give me a moment."

Thomas brushed a hand through the back of Newt's hair and pressed a gentle trail of kisses along his neck, because even as reckless as he wished to be- He would always end up taking care of Newt. In the moments that he fought the urge to push in further he wound his fingers through Newt's to squeeze them gently," Take your time baby."

Newt stifled a soft noise, and if he hadn't pushed back to take more of Thomas' length then maybe he would have made the connection then. He waited what seemed like forever to feel more of Newt's tight warmth, taking him in until he was clenched around the entirety of his shaft. The last few inches had Newt throwing his head back against Thomas' chest with a gasp," Fuck-"

"Does it hurt?" Thomas asked, starting to feel guilty for having not prepped.

"Just fuck me. I can take it," Newt answered in a desperate plea, and he tried to fuck himself when Thomas took control of their movements. It was a sudden reprieve of the stress he'd felt through the long day, where each sharp thrust they met became a whispered promise for peace found in sweet ecstasy. The leather of his belt slapped against Newt's bare ass, and harsh gasps emanated from the small space and hopefully to an empty dressing area. Thomas grabbed him by the waist and used his position to reach further, having to bite back a moan when he felt Newt's walls clench against him as he throbbed with future release.

The moments that he had Newt pinned against the wall, his warmth spreading around his throbbing hardness- Thomas could breathe. He couldn't think of what was or what wasn't, not when his only definition of reality was bound by Newt's presence. He wanted it like this forever, if only he could wake each day to live in the sensations that filled him, maybe he wouldn't be so fucked when it came to the poison he craved.

When they both toppled against eachother, and he could feel his own cum drench Newt's muscles, he pulled out in the midst of catching his breath and raised a hand to the wall.

Newt fell back into the seat and struggled to redo his belt, "That was not what I was expecting from these pants." He let out a soft chuckle that was cut short when he needed another breath. His chest rose just as quick as Thomas', who kept to the wall to contain the thoughts that raced forward as soon as his high dwindled. "Not to say it isn't an amazing compliment."

When Thomas didn't answer, Newt finished buckling his belt and stood to face him with furrowed brows, "Tommy, are you alright?"

"I'm fine." He said, and because he couldn't lie to him, he tried again a little weak, "I walked in on someone snorting coke."

Newt's eyes widened as he forcefully buttoned his jeans" Oh my God-"

Thomas, who saw this coming, raised a hand in his defense," I didn't do any." Of course he hadn't, because Thomas wasn't someone who needed it. He felt like lying to himself at this point didn't really work in his favor, so he slumped back with a deep, exasperated sigh," It's fucked with my head."

"At a target?" Newt asked in disbelief, but Thomas couldn't laugh about the situation, or make a comment about coupons, because it felt as if he had done something wrong just by looking. His eyes had held the sin in which his hands would have willingly reached for. He turned away, but Newt was pulling gently on his arm," Hey, look at me."  
  
Thomas exhaled audibly and turned his head, and Newt stared at him with those kind eyes, like he was a child in need of consoling. "Recovery isn't meant to be easy, that's why not a lot of people do it." His warm hand caressed the inside of his wrist," Just breathe, Tommy. You're strong."

"I'm really not, Newt," he admitted," I opened the door and my first instinct was to join."

He wondered if Newt knew, the thoughts that corroded his soul, would forever taint what innocence he thrived for. "You didn't though," Newt said," That's what counts."

Was it? What did it matter if a man did not pull the trigger only because his victim had escaped? The outcome ruled different, but he was still tarnished by the weight of what his body was ready for. Thomas closed his eyes for a moment, but the peace he searched for was found in the way he noticed Newt had not broken his gaze upon opening them. Newt reached for his hand and offered a soft smile," Come on, you've an hour for lunch. Clock out, we can leave for a bit."

"Yeah," Thomas answered, because that's all he could really do at this point. Follow Newt, and hope to God he was going somewhere pleasant. 

Newt could feel the tension, and it bothered him that he couldn't somehow ease Thomas' worries with a simple joke, because humor had always been his go to. His unhealthy burger sat on top of the car as they watched the clouds over pass the sun; Thomas' food was left untouched. He took a sip of his coke and nudged him with his knee," You can always quit."

"What?" Thomas turned, his hands shoved into his thick jacket, the one Newt had brought over in case he'd forgotten to get one, as he always did. 

Newt pursed his lips and tried to find a way to go about this," If someone is doing it where you work-"

"I can't," Thomas said. He'd never been one for the short responses, but today he was full of them. Newt wanted to wipe that frown off his face, or maybe even threaten the man that thought it was a good idea to bring such stupidity to work. He was pissed, not at Thomas, of course. He was pissed that the small brained weasel even considered making his Thomas witness someone getting high again.

"Why not?" He asked," You have money saved up, and there's plenty of other jobs out there."

Thomas shook his head," I want to help pay rent. I don't want to mooch any more in my life." God, the stubborn man.

"You are not a mooch!" Newt tossed his ice onto the parking lot ground and watched as birds swarmed over some trash can nearby. "Are you kidding me?" _Did Thomas really think he was a mooch by any means? Was this really an issue?_ He turned his entire body and grabbed Thomas by the knee," Who is it exactly that does the dishes? Or cooks? Or goes to the laundry mat in 30° weather?"

Thomas stared forward and Newt sighed," The answers you, Tommy." 

At this, he managed a hint of a smile, and finally looked Newt's way. He looked quite exhausted, but he'd always be beautiful despite the light bags under his eyes or the red tint of his nose because of the cold. Thomas was just gifted that way, or maybe Newt was so far gone for him that he'd always find something to admire about the man. "Thank you," Thomas said in a whisper," for everything you do. I couldn't have done this without you."

Newt reached forward to trail his fingers across his cheek," You don't give yourself enough credit." 

"Neither do you," Thomas said, and he leaned forward into his touch with such an affectionate look that Newt almost said it then. I love you, Thomas. It terrified him, but in a way that he was grateful for. He had thought once before that being afraid to love Thomas was because he wasn't ready to care about anyone, but now he knew- the fear was rooted in his idea of a life without Thomas, the possibility of ever losing him... He took in a peaceful breath and moved closer into the sleeve of his jacket.

Thomas wrapped an arm around his shoulders and tucked him in, and for a moment, they were silent. He could sit here forever with him, but eventually his boyfriend broke," I could get a job at Petco."

Newt stifled a laugh," You'd adopt every kitten that came through, not a chance." He felt warm now, and he found he might not actually be able to leave. The cold was alright when you had someone to hold you through it.

Thomas sighed and lied back against the windshield, shifting his position when the wipers poked into his back. Newt raised a brow as Thomas seemed to find humor in the way they were couped up in front of three empty stores," Maybe I should just go home with you. Could take a hot bath, forget about Target forever. And khakis, god I hate khakis."

"Pft," Newt rolled his eyes," Your arse looks good in them."

Thomas smirked a little," It's yours if you want it."

And shit, Thomas had no right to be that suggestive after having fucked him in the dressing room for a damn Target. And, the idea that this dominant man was so willingly thinking over the idea was beyond enticing for the blonde. He tried not to drool," Stop making me think of sex. It's hard enough as is."

Thomas bit back a grin, and Newt hit him in the arm," That was not a sexual innuendo!"

Thomas burst out laughing and nearly fell off the car when he turned, only for Newt to break his stern act as he reached to make sure he didn't. Honestly, how did this man survive without him? Falling off cars, walking into doors, forgetting his jacket... Quite an action packed life it was.

Though as many know, all good things must come to an end, or go through a series of awful, sometimes akward shit. It doesn't necessarily end if you're stubborn. A week after Thomas had ditched the red shirt, he found himself in a normal enough meeting. Frypan was at his side, making sure he appeared to be listening to Theresa share her story of how she accidentally broke into her neighbor's house after tripping on acid and listening to the yard gnome give her directions. Thomas had shrugged at it, because he'd once gotten into a fight with a man that sold hot dogs over something to do with capitalism and mustards conspiracy. He couldn't quite remember what he'd been on about, but he did memorize the way the bottle of ketchup felt hitting his head.

He slouched down into his seat with a sigh. Moral of the meeting: Drugs were bad, and people suck. In his head, he thought about how well Newt sucked- and then Frypan nudged him to get rid of that thoughtful, distant look he had.

Thomas was just about to sneak a cigarette to get out of the last twenty minutes when the door opened, and his entire being felt the shivers of uncertain horror. Alby stood, and he gestured with his head once for Thomas to follow him. It was a look that refused to be asked otherwise. Swallowing a painful lump in his throat, Thomas excused himself from his seat and ignored the accusatory look Frypan sent his way. 

It was freezing, big surprise there and he really wished he'd brought his damn jacket. He remained close to the entrance just in case, and Alby offered him a grin. He hated it. Alby only ever grinned when he was certain he'd win.

"Thomas, it's been a while."

"Yeah," Thomas said," what did you say, two weeks?"

Alby looked unimpressed," I don't believe that you're clean for a moment, but I really don't care. I just came to collect what's mine."

Thomas' eyes grew cold," And what's yours?"

Alby raised a brow, and then his gaze raised to the light blue beanie atop his head. Thomas pulled it further down to warm his ears with a sigh," Newt doesn't belong to anyone. He makes his own choices."

"I see that," Alby said with a dry voice," but I wasn't here to talk about Newt. I'm here for the cash you owe me."

 _Shit_. Thomas had completely forgotten about everything he'd done before getting shot. It was a lifetime ago... He wasn't even the same person anymore.

  
  
_Thomas perched up on the steps of Winston's porch, listening to the rattle of chains and barking from inside. He was supposed to be getting cash from his grandmother, but sometimes it took a little more digging. Usually her purse was up on the counter, but lately she'd hide it in a closet or under her bed. Thomas took a long drag off his cigarette and ignored the way his hands shook," Shit come on Winst."_

_Ten minutes later, Winston shut the door with a frown," Here," he tossed a pill bottle towards Thomas, who read the label upon catching it. He raised a brow," What's your grandma have hydro for?"_

_"I don't know, but I doubt she'll miss them," he plopped down onto the step with a frustrated sigh," Man, she doesn't have shit. I couldn't find a nickel."_

_Thomas bit his lip, feeling the agitation grow within him. He didn't have anything either. He'd already taken a few bucks from Minho, but that high was long gone. He couldn't panhandle any more with officer dick face watching his favorite spot, so he'd resorted to Winston, who was another disappointment. He threw his head back with a groan," Fuck man, this won't cut it."_

_Winston threw his head into his hands," I don't know what to do. I mean-" he shrugged a little," if you wanted to risk it we could grab some shit from Alby. He always has a full house, probably has it stashed everywhere."_

_"Hm," he wasn't about to announce how risky it actually was. He already owed Alby from the last time, but it wasn't too much. Maybe the guy would be too busy to notice. "If he finds out we're taking some, who's fucking him to calm him down?"_

_Winston eyed Thomas with a narrowed gaze," It's seriously always me. Why don't you take one for the team, Thomas?"_

_He shrugged," Because I'm not a bottom."_

_Winston frowned," And I didn't even like men until I met you."_

_Thomas knew what he'd meant, but he flashed a grin as he stood up anyways," Thanks. Let's get to Alby's before it gets dark though." It wasn't his fault he switched his sides every time he smoked. The guy wanted off, and Thomas had helped him enough to warrant a little sacrifice here and there. That, and he was pretty sure Winston hadn't found out what being bi meant._

_As they'd thought, Alby had men over. Thomas snuck by a drunk, the stench of cheap beer filtering through the crowd around the front door. He'd never liked beer, found it tasted like sour water. Now, if he passed a bottle of vodka or tequila, he may just sneak some for later. Winston tipped his chin up before he shrugged his shoulder at a few people they'd met a handful of times. "Alby in?"_

_"Fucking the blonde," Aris said, his eyes trailing across the room as if he feared someone would hear his thoughts. Or maybe he was afraid of Alby and what he'd do if they were to even speak of his precious little boyfriend. Thomas didn't know much about him, other than the fact he was a bit freaky in bed. He'd seen the pictures enough, even admired them, but they'd never met in person._

_"Cool, we're just going to hang out." Thomas shoved his hands into his pocket and nudged Winston in the arm, who had been watching someone from the back. He didn't have time to sight see. Thomas pushed past a group, stopping in his place when he saw Alby come from the bedroom and make his way towards the bathroom. He hid behind the corner and considered his choices. The good stuff would be hidden in the room._

_Winston was back searching through the kitchen, and he wouldn't have enough time to tell him the plan. It had to be now. Thomas rushed forward and pushed open the door, locking it in one swift movement before analyzing the small room._

_"Alby?" A voice registered in the closet, half open. Thomas, who'd been half out of his mind on the come down anyways, completely forgot about the visitor when he'd made his decision to lock himself in the room. Frantically, he grabbed the backpack by the dresser and rushed towards the cracked window. His fingers slid under and pried it open completely, his foot coming up to kick the thin barrier left._

_"Who-" a sudden pull on the door was enough to give Thomas an escape and to hopefully not be recognized by the man opening the closet door wider._

_"Shit-" Thomas stumbled out and took off running. Even if he had been seen, the blonde had never actually met him. He probably hadn't even gotten a decent look at his face._

_Though, he knew in the back of his head, that Alby would find out. He'd been seen at the party, and the only one left to take the punishment was Winston. Everyone knew they were a team, or whatever you'd call their work. He had half a moment to feel bad before he felt the weight of the bag and it's glory. It either had cash or his drug, and that's all that mattered now._

Okay, he'd definitely been in the wrong, but hadn't karma looked down on him and decided enough was enough? Alby, who was huge, was staring at him with expectant eyes and maybe a little impatience. He cleared his throat," Um... Why now?" He looked around the building, where the blinds parted to reveal enough of the serenity symbol, the one he'd been staring at for months now. 

"I thought shooting you would be enough," Alby said, and Thomas didn't even try to act surprised. "But... Here you are, alive and dating my boyfriend."

"So this is about Newt?" Thomas' eyes widened," Wait! You had him shot too!"

Alby grumbled under his breath, the cold air coming out in a whirl of thick smoke. "He was told to leave no witnesses. How was I supposed to know you were trying to fuck him then?" He didn't seem as violent as Thomas had seen him before, which was frightening in itself merely because he wasn't sure what to expect. "Look-" Alby stepped forward and Thomas held his ground, half hoping Frypan would come out to see what was taking so long," My men think I'm going soft because I let you disrespect me."

Thomas chewed the inside of his cheek, trying to calculate just how much he even owed him at this point. "Okay," he said finally," I'll pay you back. It's fair, and I have cash saved up. I don't want to have bad blood between us." Or any blood, really.

"Neither do I," Alby said with a steady gaze," I don't like you or what you stand for, but I care about Newt. If I kill you, he wouldn't ever forgive me."

Thomas' jaw clenched," I care about him too."

Alby moved forward to press his hand to his shoulder, squeezing with great force," Then don't die," he said, and the tone itself was enough to warrant as a threat.

He pulled back and nodded with great certainty, but Alby didn't seem to buy it. Maybe he still thought Thomas would try to run off without paying, even if at this point it'd be easier to find and kill him. He tried to seem taller, and then awkwardly he let out," Um, can I just bring the cash to you some time this week? I don't exactly carry that much on me..." 

"Oh, sure," Alby said," I'll be over at your place. I'd like to catch up with Newt, see if he's bored yet."

Thomas forced a grin and kicked at a pebble on the ground," Hah, that is funny. Nope, don't think he's bored. I keep him pretty entertained." He felt so damn out of his element then. Sober, trying to appear un-bothered by the man's presence. 

"I'm sure," Alby said, his eyes raking over Thomas and his being. He seemed to be considering a momentous idea, his cold eyes a rather defining sign of who it would affect. He leaned up against the wall of Thomas' home group, his saving grace, and smirked low," Has he promised you his soul yet? I mean, Newt likes to be pretty damn certain of things. I think it only took a month for him to begin worshipping me."

Thomas' stiffened, the same feeling from the party corrupting his attempt at apathy. Newt hadn't told him a lot about his past, but he'd heard enough on Alby's side. It was a different life. Newt had been just as lost, and he wouldn't ever think to hold his past affairs against him.

"That's the thing, Alby," he relaxed his shoulders with a sigh," Newt and I really care about each other. There's no promises or soul trading, whatever you two called it... We don't have anything to prove. We just really like being together, and the rest sort of works itself out."

Alby snickered," I'm not buying your bullshit act, Thomas. No one changes like this."

"Well," Frypan threw an arm around Thomas, who definitely hadn't seen him exit the meeting. His eyes widened as his sponsor took Alby in with a friendly enough look," I hope people can change. Too many assholes on this Earth."

Alby rolled his eyes," Okay. I'll let you get to your meeting. Sign me up for Sunday dinner. Newt can't cook, but he really loves trying." And why the fuck did that comment make Thomas angry? Out of all the comments he'd just bared, that one in particular had him fuming.

Frypan kept a hand around him and offered Alby a small wave," It'll be great! I'll bring dessert!"

Alby either didn't hear, or found it was too much work to reply as he turned to walk off towards his car. Thomas could only stare off, completely perplexed by the fact they'd sort of just made dinner plans with his meth dealer, and Newt's ex.

"Dude," Frypan said," What in the hell are you doing talking to this guy? People, places and things! You want to get high again?"

Thomas stumbled back from his arm," What? He followed me here, Fry. I don't even know where he came from."

"Oh?" Frypan raised a brow with crossed arms," really?"

Really. Was it so odd that someone from his past wanted to converse about... Well, it had been about drugs, hadn't it? He chewed on his lip again, a habit that was growing as his nerves did," Can you just drive me home? I have to get up early to look for a job."

Frypan sighed," Fine, but if you think you're seeing him again, I'm going to have to redefine insanity for you."

_How was Thomas supposed to know insanity would follow him everywhere?_


	23. A Lover's Embrace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I have enough time may update again tonight. Works been super slow

Thomas pushed his face into his hands with a very audible groan. He could feel Minho's eyes penetrating any sake of comfortability he had before entering the apartment. It had to be done though. Frypan had a mouth on him when he needed, but this felt a little more dire than the usual " _Hey, I want to get high. Help me,_ " call. He lifted his head and peered at his friend, who took a little longer to contemplate what he'd just been told.

Minho pursed his lips and leaned forward with clasped hands, much like a disappointed parent would to a child who'd just eaten glue. "So..." He began," You know Alby was the one to get a man to shoot you, and you haven't told Newt. You haven't even filed a report, and..." He bit his lip," You invited him to dinner- which you also haven't told Newt about." 

_When he said it like that, it just sounded stupid._

"Did I get all that?" Minho asked.

Thomas leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest," Uh yeah, sounds like the whole deal. Except I didn't invite him, he invited himself."

"And he scares you," Brenda added from the side, who'd been leaned up against the back of Minho's chair. 

"Of course he does! I could have been killed!" Thomas said," And it doesn't help half of me still wants to punch him for disrespecting Newt. I can't even-" he sighed and tried to find the words to describe what he was feeling," Newt is happy. He's really happy, and this could just fuck things up for us."  
  
Brenda stared at him," Then uninvite him."

If only it were that simple. Thomas had considered it, but how in the hell do you call up your ex dealer and tell him his presence was not welcomed after stealing his shit? He got up from his chair and grabbed an energy drink from the fridge, because that was his new thing. "Oh, right. I should definitely do that. That way I can bring the cash over to his place where his men hang out and get all fucked up, then cheat on Newt and become a homeless bum again."

Minho turned to Brenda," Sheesh."

"Sheesh is right!" Thomas said, and the fridge slammed shut behind him," I can't risk anything, Minho. I'm freaking out, trying to find a path where this doesn't end up with me ruining everything."

Minho stepped forward from his chair and pushed his hands out to Thomas' shoulders," You're forgetting something important Thomas. You have something Alby will never have."

Thomas furrowed his brows," Increasing hospital debt?"

"Friends," Brenda finished for Minho. She offered the man up a small smirk," You don't have to go in alone, Thomas. Just let us take care of this."

"Now you're scaring me," Thomas said, because how in the hell were they supposed to be anything up against Alby? Alby, who had guns in his living room and a very skilled aim. He half expected the dinner to turn out as a plot to murder him as easily as possible. He wouldn't be that crazy, would he?

"You really should learn to trust us more," Brenda said with a hand laid out on Minho's shoulder," I mean... We dealt with you, and you were pretty scary sometimes."

"You punched me," Minho added," A lot."

"And he stole your car," Brenda reminded.

"And you stole my car!"

Thomas lowered back into his seat with a desperate sigh. They were right. He was pretty much the same as Alby, or had been anyways. The only difference is that they cared enough to stay. He waited a moment to collect his thoughts before speaking again, a little lower," What's the plan?"

Minho looked back at Brenda, who nodded in silent agreement. Thomas furrowed his brows and tried to read the motions, but soon enough another voice piped up," I think I have an idea." Gally, who had not even made his appearance known until the very moment, spoke up with a smirk. He pushed himself off the wall of the hallway and trailed forward, a single towel shielding them from his less respectful view.

"What the hell is he doing here?" Thomas managed in shock.

"Taking a really cold shower," Gally said," Hot waters been turned off." He moved to plop down at the kitchen table, stretching out his leg," I think I heard enough to know that Newt definitely doesn't need to know about this. I say that as his first best friend ever."

Thomas stared," No seriously, why is Gally taking a shower here?"

"Well," Gally said quite dramatically," If you must know, I didn't want to walk around smelling like sex."

Thomas choked, and Minho threw his empty soda can at him," Dude! That's not how we're telling people!"

"Dude?" Gally asked offended," Oh, I'm dude now? Brenda, he called me dude."

"Ugh," Brenda sighed," Babe, a little less with the dramatics. We can only take one at a time, and Thomas has reached full potential."

Thomas stared forward with a dropped jaw, and then after all this time... It finally fucking clicked. He fell back further in his chair," Oh." That made alot more sense now. He pointed at them, from left to right," So... You three?"

"Let's figure out your problem first," Minho said quite quickly," I think I know to get around this without involving Newt, or having you screw it up by being impulsive."

"I'm not-"

Minho narrowed his gaze.

"Okay, fine," Thomas said," I'm all ears."

It was an awful plan. One, he was pretty sure was going to end up with someone being brutally murdered, but it was also the only one they had. The main objective was to not make a mess giving Alby his money, and also refrain from involving Newt, who really didn't need to see his ex, or know about how much of Thomas' fault it was they even got shot in the first place. Newt really wasn't making it easy.

"I don't understand why I have to have dinner with him alone!" Newt frantically pushed his wallet into his pocket and frowned with great disdain," You went to a meeting already, Tommy. Why can't you just skip this one and come with me? You always make it easier being around him, and besides this was your idea."

Thomas sighed and moved forward to wrap a hand around his waist," Because I told Frypan I wouldn't miss it, and besides you need some alone time with your dad." He tried for the innocent sort of look, but Newt seemed annoyed either way.

"Newt," Thomas said with a soft whisper," when you get home, I'll make it up to you. We can watch something on TV, I can give you a very in depth massage."

Newt looked away," I'm not a child."

"No," Thomas said," I'd never massage a child."

Newt hit him in the arm with a scowl," Not funny. You think you're hilarious, but you're sending me off to a dinner with a man I can hardly stand. He's not funny either, you know? He always talks about bloody sports, as if I actually know how to play golf!"

"Okay," Thomas said with a sigh," What can I do to make you any less upset about this?"

Newt bit his lip and thought it over with scrunched up brows, which was actually kind of adorable, but he wouldn't voice it now. "Breakfast in bed," he said after a moment," and an in depth massage."

Thomas smiled wide and leaned forward to kiss his head," Done," he said. "Don't worry, you'll have fun." _Eventually_. 

_Would he?_ Thomas doubted it, but at least he wouldn't be bothered by Alby, who would be there at any moment. As soon as Newt left, he texted Minho to head to the house with the pizzas. It was an innocent dinner. Alby wanted to come over, so it would be rude not to have food, wouldn't it? He had promised him a meal, but he'd totally forgotten Newt had prior plans. _Shame_.

"You realize this is all over doing it?" Frypan told him on the way in," There was a much more simple way to solve all of this. A healthier way."

"This way has pizza," Gally announced not too far behind him. Frypan had initially not been part of the plan, but his sponsor had a knack for finding out when Thomas was up to no good. If he couldn't stop Thomas, he insisted on being there. "And-" Gally continued," We need to show Alby that you're not alone. This will show him that it's too much of a chore to try and bother."

"Don't think he'll see it that way," Thomas said when the rest of the group passed through the door," But I appreciate you guys."

He fumbled with the money he'd saved up each check and counted out four hundred. That seemed like plenty. He'd stolen a few other times, but they couldn't be more than four hundred. He was sure Alby didn't actually care about the money, it was the principle- which is exactly the reason why he'd been shot. He tensed his arm, the one that worked on occasion and hurt like fucking hell the next. He didn't often complain about it, but he found overdoing it really made him regret ever stealing shit. That, and his whole conscience now.

Brenda lowered into a seat beside Minho and Gally, which only reminded him he definitely had information in store for Newt later.

"I could have brought Ben, told him to be ready to arrest a guy-"

"And when Alby gets bailed out, he'd come for all of us," Thomas said. Nope. "No. Let's not get my ex meth dealer any more reason to kill me."

Minho leaned back with a stifled yawn," Man, someone open up the pizza. We have to pretend to be enjoying ourselves." A little meow startled him, and when he looked down Simba was swatting at his shoe laces with great effort. Thomas moved forward to cup the fur ball into his hands and pull him close to his chest.

"No baby. You can't be out. There's a super bad guy on the way and he doesn't like cute little kitties," he kissed the tip of his nose, and Simba meowed again with disdain. "Hey, don't talk back. We talked ab-" Thomas paled immensely when he realized he had company and they were watching him with a mixture of expressions. Normally it was just Newt and him. Slowly, he lowered the kitten on the ground and cleared his throat," Yeah, pizza sounds good right now."

Gally coughed into his hand and Brenda hit him in the shoulder. This... was going to be a very, horrendously long night.

  
Newt pushed a hand under his chin and sipped on some of the red wine he'd ordered, merely to feel okay with spending the night away from Thomas. Yes, apparently he was that kind of clingy. Not that he'd ever voice it, but he definitely had an issue with being away from the man. It was kind of embarrassing actually.

His father pursed his lips and looked down at the Italian menu, it was the same restaurant he used to take his mother and him as a child to. Now, alone, Newt looked like he was on a date with a sugar daddy. He mentally refused to think on that further as the waiter finished getting their orders.

"So..." Vince trailed off," You ever consider playing golf?"

Newt took in a sharp breath and drank the rest of his wine. It better be a damn good massage later.

  
Thomas reached for the door and offered Alby a small smile, despite the fact he was dying from uncertainty. "Hey, so we just ordered a pizza. I mean, Newt had a dinner with his dad and I only cook on the weekdays. Weekends are usually him." He gestured to the table and Alby raised a brow at the sight. Gally had half a slice shoved into his mouth, and Brenda was leaned over her phone to read a weird meme Minho had sent everyone in the group chat. Frypan was the only one who managed a wave, with the obvious dramatized smile of warmth.

"Who are all these people, Thomas?"

Gally stood up from the table and finished swallowing his bite before reaching out a hand," I'm Newt's best friend. I'm the one he had wait outside in the car just in case he had to run for it. I mean, you live on a pretty bad side of town. Some idiot shot him! Did you know that?"

Thomas mentally face palmed.

Alby's jaw clenched as he eyed Thomas," I heard."

"And uh, this is my boyfriend," Gally shot a finger towards Minho and then to Brenda," and this is our girlfriend."

Frypan managed to not look too shocked as he waved again," I'm the sponsor. We met."

Thomas pursed his lips and waited for a reaction, but nothing dangerous came. It was as if they'd really caught Alby off guard and he wasn't sure how to deal with it. He shrugged a little, and Thomas noticed the sudden scent of cologne roll off of him. It was nice, probably expensive. _God_ , Thomas thought, _he'd really wanted to see Newt._

"I have the money," Thomas said, forking over the four hundred. It was not his fault it was all twenties. 

Alby, again, seemed thrown off. He reached for the cash with furrowed brows," You ordered a pizza?"

"You said put you down for dinner," Thomas said a little awkwardly," And I don't exactly plan on going back on my word any time soon. I guess uh, I have changed a bit."

Alby stepped forward and looked around the room for a moment, as if something had just registered within him. Thomas wasn't sure what he was expecting again, but Alby pushed a hand to his shoulder," We're good. I don't make enemies, Thomas."

 _What the fuck was happening? Was this real?_ His eyes widened as he stammered out words," I-uh, yeah. I don't want to be enemies."

Frypan seemed unable to take his sight off them, then again- neither did anyone else. They watched as Alby pulled his hand back and gestured for the hall," You mind if I use the restroom?"

"No problem," Thomas said, and he backed away a little to give him room," It's the second door on the left." He mentally reminded himself that it did not matter that his stuff was clearly moved in. Alby would know they were already living together if he was paying attention enough. Besides, he wasn't breaking any laws. Alby said so himself, he wasn't looking for enemies. He watched as he left, and immediately turned to his friends who watched with wide eyes.

"I... didn't expect that to go so well," Minho admitted.

Frypan bit his lip, giving off that look that revealed just how on edge he really was. Thomas didn't blame him, his heart was racing. He moved to stand by the table, and Gally offered him a small smile," Hey, don't look so worried. It's good. Newt doesn't have to find out and you don't have a guy trying to cut your throat."

Thomas took in a deep breath," I don't know. I just feel so weird about it." 

"It's a weird situation," Brenda commented," I don't think you're supposed to feel at ease."

She moved him a plate of pizza," Just breathe. We're all here for you Thomas."

He nodded his head with a deep breath, though he still felt so freaking off that he might as well be threatened. It just didn't really make sense. Any of it. He tried to consider this a gift, when Alby walked out drying his hands with a paper towel," I would stay, but I actually have some business. I do appreciate the gesture though."

Thomas managed another nod, because that was all he was really capable of at the moment. "Yeah."

Frypan sent him an exasperated look from where he stood, but Alby didn't quite catch it. "Well, tell Newt I'm sorry I missed him." He even smiled, which was more frightening than his frowns. Thomas was used to being threatened, being hated even, but being given a second chance was something quite new to him.

"Definitely," Thomas said," I'm uh, sure he'll appreciate it." _What the fuck? What was he even saying?_ This was Alby. The guy who had them shot. He could play if he needed too, because if Alby was willing to quit the war between them, then he'd force a smile too. At least... until he shut the door. As soon as he'd made it out of the apartment, he found himself a chair to fall into and let out the breath he'd been holding.

"Oh my god, that was super insane," Gally announced with another slice of pizza in hand," Like... way insane."

"Let's count our blessings and never do that again," Frypan announced, which Thomas was all for. He didn't much have the appetite to eat anything, but he allowed himself to sit peacefully with his friends. They'd all just staged a dinner for his sake, and he hadn't even asked. He'd planned to do it alone, maybe even screw up in the end, but here they were, laughing soon enough about something unrelated, like a family. Thomas felt his chest swell with something that had become a little familiar the passing months.

It reminded him of his brother, and his mom. Simba found his way to his leg and yelled up at him, and he looked up at the ceiling for a moment to thank whatever God had given him this chance at survival. He didn't deserve of any of this, but he was grateful.

He was even more grateful when he managed to hide the evidence in the dumpster before Newt arrived home. Everyone had said their goodbyes and Frypan had lingered to make sure he was alright. "Hey, I really didn't like how that started, but I'm glad it ended like this. You know, I care about you, alot."

Thomas smiled a little at that," Thanks Fry. I really appreciate everything you do."

Frypan chuckled," Well, it's pretty easy. We have to keep sharing the message to suffering addicts, and eventually those people teach us alot more than we could have learned ourselves."

Thomas didn't pull back from the hug he offered until a car horn signaled them. Frypan had parked behind Gally, who was a little impatient about leaving to attend to matters at home, which probably just translated to fucking his two best friends. It was weird, but they were happy. "Also I don't condone lying to your significant other, but this was a special matter."

"Right," Thomas agreed," Definitely. I don't plan on lying again."

The adrenaline that fueled him did not leave even as he sat there waiting on the couch for Newt's arrival. As soon as he heard the door open, he was on his feet to greet the blonde like a dog awaiting its owner after a long vacation of solitude. He pushed himself into his body and wrapped Newt into his arms, who mustered a surprised gasp," Tommy-"

"You are so goddamn beautiful," Thomas said as he parted enough to see his face. "And you have no idea how grateful I am to see you every day."

Newt's eyes widened, and his hand came to grasp Thomas' shirt as he was held by the waist," I was angry at you. I had quite the words to say on that porch."

Thomas pushed forward for a gentle kiss," Be furious, Newt. You should be, being stuck with a man like me. You could have Ben, someone good... Someone-"

"No one could ever surpass you in the ways that matter," Newt answered with such determination that Thomas felt his body go weak with warmth. When had they stopped caring about falling? When had his own breaths parted only to enjoy another moment of what it meant to have Newt in his life?

For a moment they didn't look away from each other, like a spell had been cast down to envelop them in a single emotion, caressed by their fingertips to lower the shadows that cast endless excuses. Why?

"Tommy?"

Thomas pushed a hand forward to Newt's cheek, and in that moment he no longer feared his own being. He let out a soft breath," Maybe this is too soon, but I'm so helplessly in love with you that I can't find it in me to care." He'd said it. A weight from his shoulders dissipated into the world around them, especially when he felt Newt cling to him like a life line. His thing fingers brushed forward across his chest, and Newt blinked back in shock. 

He broke off in a laugh, but it was caught by the sudden gasp," Shit, you said it."

Thomas, for a moment in fear, expected to be let down easy. It was soon, a good few months, but he knew relationships didn't usual-

"I wanted to say it first," Newt said," You dork." His eyes widened and he moved to cover his mouth," I didn't mean that. You're like a really cute, amazing dork- I just-" Newt let out another half breath," I'm sorry."

Thomas furrowed his brows," I'm a little lost." And terrified, frankly.

"Tommy," Newt looked up at him," I feel the same." He closed his eyes for a moment, and Thomas could see the red take over his cheeks as he whispered," I mean I love you. Like this isn't a fling or uh, what people normally do. This-" he bit his lip and opened his eyes," This is real. This is us."

Thomas felt relief flood throughout him, and suddenly he was being taken by a completely new high altogether. He was leaning in just as Newt did, and they were kissing with such passion that their bodies found their way to the couch before he could even register what was happening. Newt trailed his hand across his chest and pulled back for air," Make love to me," he said, and after a moment in a soft whisper," no one ever has."

There was something so vulnerable in Newt's request, that Thomas wanted to take the words and hold them close. It had been true, that as much as he cared for Newt, they'd never taken their time together. It had been wild and exciting, but the carefulness that he used now was something entirely new for the both of them. He took his time with everything, mesmerized by the lovely curves of his body, the warmth of his inner thigh as it was met with soft kisses, the way his fingers felt dancing across his stomach and later towards the arch of his back.

He touched every part of him, and Newt reached forward to caress his skin like a painter trailing mountains on a new canvas, lit by the high sun and it's lover that kissed it's borders with glowing stars. His body dipped into his, and they rode the waves that the moon pulled from the oceans, and they forgot in the midst where the shore met the sand, where the brush of horizon met the waters. It was slow, and it was breathtaking. _This is real. This is us_. Thomas kissed Newt with a promise of endless nights, and Newt gasped against his lips as the heat of their embrace parted to hold them both.

When they both saw their favorite stars, Thomas collapsed into the side of the couch and Newt shifted to rest against his chest where soft trails of red remained when his fingers had yearned for safety on the highest cliff. He found, as he fell, Thomas had been there to catch him after all. 

Thomas turned his head to stare at him, and Newt could feel the heat take his cheeks captive as he pushed a hand out to run its fingers along the nape of his neck. He ran them down to the chain around his lover's neck and tried to find the words to speak," Say something." He bit back a grin and pushed his face into the side of Thomas' arm.

"Say something?" Thomas was just as broken at the moment, and he leaned forward to run his fingers through blonde strands with the widest of smiles," What should I say? That... you look really good right now, or I think we should just live on this couch forever-"

"Forever?" Newt played, his fingers curling along the toned muscle of Thomas' stomach. "That's an awfully long time."

"Not so bad, I could hire a chef and get someone to do the cleaning," Thomas lowered his gaze to Newt's lips, but the blonde pushed a hand out with a soft chuckle. "What? You couldn't stand living here? Naked all the time and with endless TV."

Newt nestled closer with a soft hum," Endless Tommy."

Thomas lifted himself slightly to hover over him, " I'm yours," he whispered, and he reached down for a lingering kiss, and he wondered just how swollen his own might be for the amount of touches he'd left on Newt's skin. There was something so new about it all, as if it had been the first time they'd ever really touched. Newt's expressions were open, un-bothered by how much they spoke as he clung to Thomas and let out the softest of breaths. 

A soft mew had them both turning, and Simba sat there in the middle of the living room staring with a wide eyed gaze. Thomas pulled back," Please tell me he wasn't there the entire time."

Newt bit back a chuckle and pulled him forward," Let's go to bed."

"Mm," Thomas tried to ignore the fact his child was still watching him, and he slowly reached for his jeans that had been thrown across the coffee room table, only to give up on dressing completely," Want me to carry you?"

Newt smiled as he lifted his head with an affectionate gaze," Please." 

Everything was so soft. In the way they looked at each other, and the way Newt held to him as he was brought towards the room with little effort. Thomas placed him onto their sheets and reached for the lamp at the bed side table, only for him to hear the soft clang of a collar and it's tags following right after. He pushed himself into Newt's body when he fell onto the mattress, and threw an arm across his waist with a sleepy yawn," Maybe I was wrong to ask about living on the couch. This bed is so damn comfy."

"Pancakes," Newt murmured.

Thomas smiled and caressed the side of his face," You don't like pancakes," he reminded.

"Waffles then. And a fruit salad with green tea, and- bacon."

Thomas was so mesmerized by everything Newt was, that he almost forgot to speak. "Okay, I'll make it right when I wake up."

"And a massage," Newt said.

Thomas chuckled," And a massage."

Was it possible to be this happy? To love someone this much? To be unable to truly think of a world in which they weren't together? Thomas watched as Newt's eyes closed, and for a long while he remained awake. He wished his mom could have met Newt, she'd always been accepting. He wanted her to see how beautiful his lover was and how good life had become, because he knew it would have made her happy. He wanted to hold her close, and he wanted to tell her that he finally learned what it meant to really live, and that as long as he'd been convinced, he knew he wasn't broken. 

Maybe, somewhere out there, she saw enough to know.

He'd dreamt of her, and Newt. They'd gone off to have a picnic on the same field where his mother had gifted him the ring he wore on his necklace. He remembered it so clearly, that day that he always fell back too.

_Her hair had been beautiful then, full of vibrant curls and dark colors. Thomas had been sixteen, and his father had threatened more than once to leave because of her illness. He'd said it drunk, said he couldn't watch her begin to die because he knew eventually it would be the end. He'd never actually meant it, Thomas didn't think._

_"You're going to be okay," she said, her cold hand reaching for his own in the grassy field of blooming dandelions and dahlias. He bit back the tears he'd been shedding for too long and forced himself to look at her._

_"I don't care about me," he said," I care about you."_

_"My beautiful boy," she whispered, and she moved to take the ring off her finger before placing it into his palm," This was my mother's. She told me that when she left, she'd never really be gone. You see all those stars that shine even when the sun remains? Those are the people who promised to never leave."_

_Thomas' felt his hands shake," But you are leaving."_

_"Thomas," she said with a sad face," I promise you, one day you'll understand."_

But in the year and a half that passed, she only lived long enough to see Thomas begin to die. He blinked back tears as he awoke and pushed himself forward with a gasp. He'd had an emotional high last night, so dreaming about her wasn't a surprise. He didn't hate it. Even as he woke up feeling like he'd lost her again, he was grateful to have felt her warmth, even if only for a moment. He took in a breath to steady himself and reached a hand out to Newt's shoulders, where Simba was curled up into the nape of his neck. His eyes were open, but he showed no motivation to move from his comfy position. Thomas didn't blame him. Newt was perfect to cuddle with.

Thomas pushed himself out of bed and ignored the absolute shit bed hair he had as he trailed to the bathroom to push some water to his face. He'd let them sleep for a while, just so he could get his head right. He drenched his face and aimlessly reached for a face towel from the side closet, pulling on the first one- only for it to fall along with what rest on top. It was like everything had become painfully slow when the sound of the plastic rustled and its contents hit the tiled floor with too much force.

Thomas froze.

The crystals of death, packed tight into a baggie.

He pushed himself back, as if the high could be taken from staring at it alone. His body fell into the wall and he slid down with a broken gasp as it called out with names he'd chosen to forget. He was doing so well. He was doing everything right. _Why?!_ His chest rose with his panicked breaths, and his fingers wound tight in his hair. He just had to breathe. It couldn't make him do anything. He did not have to do this. It was nothing. All these repeated thoughts had his entire reality shift into a blur, and he pushed his knees to his chest as he stared at it. 

Alby. He knew Newt would find this, or that Thomas would- he knew exactly what he'd done. A soft, desperate sound escaped him as he watched it. It was a temptress, one that spoke of how easy it would be to just do it once. 

Thomas knew how sick he was. To be thrown off, just by the sight of a drug he'd denied for so long... as if they were lover's reunited. This was an embrace he did not wish to take, and yet he sat there completely unable to do anything about it. Throw it away? He couldn't throw it away. What if? What if one day he needed it, and he thought back to the time he could have had some free and he'd just fucking flushed it? He wouldn't, but _what if?_ Couldn't he save it for the miniscule possibility that one day he could get high one more time?

A knock at the door startled him up, and Newt spoke with a yawn," Tommy, let me in. I have to pee."

Thomas didn't think. He grabbed the baggie and stuffed it under the sink before opening the door for Newt," Hey uh- was washing my face."

"I can see that," Newt poked his cheek," You're all wet."

Thomas chuckled a little, but stopped abruptly as he reached for the towel and dried the water from his face, just as Newt pushed past to take care of business. "I'm going to make breakfast," he said, and he didn't give Newt any time to reply before he was leaving to head towards the kitchen.

Thomas wouldn't touch the shit. He'd find the strength, call his sponsor and be done. It would all be fine. He took in a deep breath and reached for the waffle maker in the cabinet. This would all be just fine.


	24. Mistress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I'm editing this after an hour nap to fend off margaritas, so I really hope it's not messy.
> 
> Love y'all, enjoy the chapter!

It's funny, how things can be near perfect and an addict's mind still reverts to the same toxic narrative that their mistress taught them long ago. She is your first lover, the first to have felt every part of you and whisper those sweet words that kept you coming back. How can anyone forget the first time? Like a desperate need to feel her kiss, even if you are in the arms of another, she pulls you in and asks if you would like to have her once more. One more time. Just to feel her breathe into your lungs, to make all of the constant yearning end... She tells you that if you should ever wish to forget her and be free, then you have to come back to say goodbye.

Thomas closed his eyes with a deep breath. He hadn't ever told her completely why he ran from her, and it killed him. It shouldn't, but here he was staggering along the hallway with the knowledge she slept away under the sink in the bathroom. He still wasn't sure what he was going to do. It's why he stuck to the physical affects of a hard days work. Not a single dish remained unclean, the trash was immaculate, the bedroom had been dusted to perfection, and now he reached over to organize the movies on the shelf, because he couldn't think himself out of this one.

"Tommy," the whispered words of a new high, one he could take and be certain it would not destroy his being. He half turned, and his jaw dropped at the sight of Newt. He wore Thomas' shirt, and it dropped down half of his shoulder to reveal his collar bone while continuing further to rise just above the soft skin of his inner thighs. "Come here," he said, and it held such gentleness that Thomas found he didn't have to think to move towards the man.

Newt wrapped his arms around his neck, his loving fingers playing with the strands of his hair," You seem stressed lately," he said, and it was the first time Thomas had realized how bad he'd been the past two days. If Newt had such concern written in his eyes, he hadn't hidden his worries as well as he'd thought.

"No more than usual," Thomas replied, trying like hell to relax into his embrace. Why couldn't his past leave him alone? Why couldn't his mind see that he was becoming someone new? That, everything he'd done to change, was for the better?

"You're lying," Newt said. He pulled back to rest a hand along his chest, his jaw clenching," You've been distant ever since we said-" his words seemed to get caught in his throat, but Thomas knew what he meant. He hated more than the poison he wanted, that Newt suddenly looked uncertain in his place. He didn't want a moment where he was taken by doubt, not when it came to how Thomas felt. There was nothing else he knew more.

"I love you," Thomas said, and he reached down to take Newt's hand that rested on him," I'm stressed because I don't have a job yet. I thought it would be easier finding another one." He could see Newt was trying to read him, but other than his little secret he was an open book. "Newt, I don't regret saying anything. It was true two days ago, and it's true now."

Newt looked past his shoulder, "Are you sure?"

Thomas brought his hand up to cup his cheek, and this was enough for their gaze to meet again. This time, he knew he showed the certainty of his words, "I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life." It was true. Loving Newt wasn't difficult. It was like breathing, you didn't think about it, it just happened naturally. His free hand lowered to cup his waist, and he had to take in another breath at the sheer perfection that was before him. Newt bit back a small grin, because Thomas definitely wasn't hiding his amazement," Look at you..."

"I was trying to make you feel better," Newt admitted, a soft rose tinting his cheeks.

"Yeah?" Thomas let his hand wander up the shirt and found no matter how many times he felt his bare body that it would always take him by surprise at how right it felt underneath his own. "Is that what this is baby?"

The change in the blonde should have been made into art. His fingers clenched around Thomas’ shoulders, like he’d enacted an euphoric drug into his veins with the nickname alone- or maybe it was the way Thomas’ fingers began to part his ass with a teasing squeeze. The high was shared through a kiss, one that had him backing Newt into the wall with urgency,” I’m going to take care of you.” 

Newt gasped between his lips,” Please.” 

Brenda wrapped her arms around Gally’s neck from the counter, which had an assortment of ingredients for a dinner that had long been given up on. Her legs wrapped around his waist, and his hands roamed along her body like it was the first time. Minho was just getting another soda when he walked in on them and their heavy and hot make out session mid game. His eyes narrowed,” Really? Without me?”   
  
"Um, you were ignoring us," Brenda said.  
  
Gally sent him a small smirk as he rest a hand along her thigh,” We were getting lonely.”   
  
And really, they had no damn right to look so appealing during football. Minho threw his empty can into the trash and lifted his shirt off in one quick, impatient movement. Brenda raised a playful brow at Gally,” Ooh, now he wants to play.” 

Minho bit back a grin and pushed forward to grasp the counter, half barricading Gally as Brenda kept her thighs wrapped tight around his waist. He brushed his lips against Gally’s shoulder, his own smirk evident in his voice, “Fuck, I’d give up for football for this any day.” He pushed into Gally’s ass, while the other man ran his hands up and down the inside of Brenda’s thighs.

When they were like this, Minho felt like he was exactly where he needed to be. There were no doubts, no issues regarding his place in the world or who he was supposed to be. He was theirs, and that meant more than anything to him. 

“Promise?” Brenda asked, and just as she wound her fingers through Gally’s hair, a knock on the door had them all tensing with unease.   
  
“Fuck them,” Gally said, half turned to look at Minho. “I mean, fuck us, and let them fuck themselves.” 

Brenda snorted,” Gal, that’s not very nice.” 

Minho pulled back, to which Gally looked ready to fight about until he gave him the look. It was a look that was so authoritative, that Gally often couldn’t speak against it because he was too busy imagining Minho ordering him around in the bedroom. Brenda slumped forward before plopping off the counter and to the tiled floor with a sigh,” If its Newt or Thomas, we’ll just sneak off to the shower.” 

“Bet,” Gally said under his breath. 

It wasn’t either of them though, and Gally raised a brow at the sight of the man. He was disheveled, covered in healing bruises along his face with a stitch stretched across his cheek. He had on a thick jacket, though it was tattered with holes and worn out patches sown back in a messy way. Brenda tensed at Gally’s side,” Winston?” 

“Does Thomas still come here? I-” he bit back a sob, one that had his entire body shaking,” I need to see him.” 

Minho pushed a hand to the door,” He doesn’t. He moved out a while ago.” 

“Where can I find him?” His eyes were wide, and if Gally had any type of heart, then maybe he might have felt bad for him. Except, this guy was clearly an addict, and he was clearly the only reason he wasn’t getting railed right at the moment. 

“Try a meeting,” Gally said with a shrug, and Brenda elbowed him in the side. “What?” he half whispered back,” He obviously needs one.” 

Minho ignored them both, still standing in way of the door. Winston looked about ready to force himself in, as if they’d lie about Thomas’ residency. Well, they would if a guy like this was asking. “I’m sorry, he’s doing really well- and I just, don’t think it would be sm-” 

“Fuck you,” Winston said and as soon as he stepped forward into his space, Brenda and Gally were at his side. "F- Fuck all of you. I just want to see him."

Brenda raised a hand to Minho's shoulder, and she was the only one of them that looked genuinely concerned for the man. "Maybe Gally's right. If you really want to see him, the only place you'll have any luck is at one of his meetings." Gally's jaw clenched, because even if meetings were supposed to be safe, it didn't mean this dude wouldn't somehow fuck it up. If Thomas had issues, then Newt did- and as Newt's best friend, he refused to let that happen.

"Fine," Winston said," And I'll tell him exactly what you are."

"Yeah?" Minho half shrugged," What's that?"

Winston's face curled into a horrid scowl, his thin fingers running up and down the zipper of his jacket. Gally couldn't imagine this guy ever not using, but then again- he'd thought the same thing meeting Thomas in those parking lots. "You're holding him back," Winston said, which had Minho throwing a look of surprise," You're forcing him to get rid of the only good thing in his life, like you give a fuck what he wants. I know him. I was with him through everything. You think you're friends?"

"No," Minho said, and the tone in his voice had such a determined glint that both Brenda and Gally eyed him with uncertainty. Their lover stepped past the door," We're brothers. You two might have shared a good few moments getting ruined off that stuff, but I love him like my own. That's why I'm going to let you know now, if you are ever the reason he relapses, I'll find you. I'll make you hurt."

Gally let out a rough breath. "We all will." He wasn't even sure why he'd said it, but in that moment he felt just as involved in Thomas' life than the people he actually grew up with. It was weird, how much he actually liked the dude, wanted him to thrive. He was beginning to question if it was because of Newt, or because a part of him genuinely thought Thomas was a good guy.

It didn't matter then. Winston had a defeated look to him, though something bordered with a vicious intent as he whipped his head around and began walking the opposite way. Minho pushed back against the door and eyed them with a sigh," Alright. Bedroom."

Gally raised a brow and Minho gestured to the hall," Now."

And that was that.

  
What better way to distract oneself from your ex mistress, than to bathe your lover right in front of her?

The bath water was hot, caressed by a boundary of low bubbles and the scent of sandalwood and lingering vanilla. The curtains were pushed closed, but a flicker of light peeked into their moment, as Thomas held Newt against his chest and ran his fingers up and down his arm. He let out a deep sigh, his eyes fighting the wear of relaxation. He could just live in the bath and that would solve all his problems. He wouldn't have to yearn for anything, and to forever be embedded in the blondes embrace seemed like the perfect way to remain.

"What's this from?" Newt had traced the scar along his wrist more than once, but he'd never asked about it. He lifted his head and Thomas pushed forward to kiss it.

"I was on a different edge," Thomas said in a whisper, and he could feel his heart pound within his chest. His eyes blurred in the heat of the room, but he blinked back for the clarity of the tiled wall of the shower. "When my mom died, they took my brother into foster care. I was in it for a while, but I turned eighteen... I didn't have anyone."

Newt lowered his thumb to the scar and brought it to his lips," You're never alone, Tommy. People love you so much."

"I know," Thomas said, and he felt the weight of his lies sit heavily on his shoulder. His arms tightened around Newt, and for a while all he could do was hold him. He felt, if he let go, that he may lose him completely. It was how he'd always been with the people he loved. Minho, bright eyed and smart, had been one of the few people he'd had in the midst of it all. Even when he'd dropped out, he'd been there to keep him together. Brenda later, had opened her arms like they'd known each other their entire lives. And now, Newt and Gally, Frypan... The entire group, they were all there. 

It was all he could think about now, how lucky he was to even be breathing air that wasn't poisoned by a corroding fire and his own will. After the bath, he wound his fingers through Newt's hair and tugged a towel around his body to keep him warm. Newt looked up at him, with eyes full of affection that he couldn't help but try to lighten the mood for his sake. "Take out and a movie?"

Newt shivered a little, but his grin spoke volumes. "Can it be something really stupid? Like one of those b flick movies? I like criticizing them."

Thomas chuckled," Sure, let me-" he turned his head when Newt's phone vibrated to life. He reached a hand out on the bathroom counter and raised a brow at the name.

"You have a text from Alby."

Newt stepped forward to hover over the notification and bit his lip, his hands tightening around the towels edge. "He's been asking me how you've been doing. I mean, at first I thought he had some sort of plot to get between us, but he stopped bothering me for a while after I let him know how happy we were."

Thomas slid the notification open and stared.

"He sent you a dick pic."

Newt's jaw dropped as he grabbed the phone to see it in fact, had a dick. He scrunched his brows up and moved to delete it before going through to block his number," What a pig. Here I thought he was turning over a new leaf."

Thomas averted his gaze and looked towards the bathroom sink," He uh, didn't say anything else?"

Newt must have misread his worry, or the cause of it anyways. He pushed up on his feet to wrap his arms around his neck, the towel hanging off his shoulders," He won't come in between us. I should have blocked him a while ago, I just thought he'd leave us alone."

Thomas nodded," No, you're right. He couldn't ever come between this."

It hurt, how he already had and Newt didn't even know it.

Winston shook with the cold air, his breath forming the smoke that he reached out to touch. Being high, meant being in a bubble. It spread out around him and kept him safe from the intensity of the real world where colors were too bright and people were too close. When he came down, it was like being pulled from his home, thrashed out into a dump where his body died from the lack of oxygen. He wasn't breathing, not really. Every moment spent in reality was torture to his body and mind, and he'd rather die than continue.

"Hey man, you alright?" A voice called out to him and he pulled his jacket closer to his chest, as if it would somehow become apart of him as another shield.

"No," Winston said, standing in the middle of the room for a meeting he'd missed," I need a phone number." 

"Alright yeah. I'm Frypan, okay?" He reached for a stack of papers in a bin from the desk," There's an entire list of numbers you can call. They're all addicts man, and they all want to help. Mine's right here," he highlighted his name, though Winston only wanted one. He hadn't expected there to be a list, but he searched impatiently until he stopped at a familiar name. Thomas.

"I know it's hard," the man was saying," but if you keep coming back, we'll help you get through it." He said other things, but Winston turned around abruptly and stepped out the door. He didn't need help. He'd just needed the damn number.

It had been another lazy morning, the kind spent nestled in on the couch while some weird movie tried to make poorly animated zombie zoo animals seem horrifying. He half forgot it was even playing when Newt turned into his chest, and for a moment all he could do was admire his facial features. Obviously God had hand picked him to be pretty.

"What?" Newt asked, scrunching up his nose.

"Just admiring the view," Thomas admitted, his fingers pushing blonde strands back from his face. 

Newt bit back a grin and looked away from his gaze," You're terrible," he whispered. His fingers came down to trail gentle patterns into his chest, and eventually he mustered a soft comment," You're quite beautiful yourself, Tommy."

"Nothing compared to my boyfriend." This was enough for Newt to break out into one of those un-bothered smiles, the kind that didn't care red tinted his cheeks. He loved watching Newt when he was complimented, as if he really didn't see any of it beforehand. How could he not?

Simba, who left them alone for the morning, curled into a place on the living room chair. He whined a little as he stretched out, but Thomas wasn't about to move. His child could wait for a moment, just a little longer. At least until his damn phone rang. He was beginning to think he was in a weird alternate reality where the phone was just some lazy author's way of cutting the scene. He shifted his position and turned his phone up to his ear after answering," Hey, this number isn't saved, so I'm pretty sure it's not the right-"

"Thomas?"

His entire body stiffened, enough that Newt looked up with concern.

"Winston... How did you get this number?" It had been a new phone, since the other he'd carried around had been stolen for the sake of wifi alone. He sat up from his place and leaned forward.

"I need your help," Winston said.

"Look man, I really can't-"

"I'll kill myself," Winston informed, and the desperation in his voice was too real. Thomas knew he meant it. He could picture him pacing, hearing his short breaths and the sniffles that followed," I will. I have a gun, Thomas. I just- I don't know what else to do. I can't live like this." He broke out in half a sob, and something painful twisted in Thomas' chest.

"Hey, hey Winst. Listen to me," he tried to stay calm, even as Newt watched with uncertainty. "Where are you? You at home?"

Silence passed, and then finally he mustered," Yes. I'm home." He took in another ragged breath," I know Alby gave you some to fuck up your chance with the blonde. I heard him- if you could just-"

"That's not a good idea," Thomas said.

"Then my death is on you," Winston growled with such coldness unlike him that the entire plane of his reality shifted for a moment. What was he to do? He couldn't force him to not look for the shit- and yet, handing it over would feel so wrong. It would just make him feel better until the next time, and then what? Would he have to supply him again?

"Please" Winston said," Just this once. I don't have anyone else. Alby fucked me up, man. I don't have another way to get it."

Thomas bit his lip and stood from his place, Newt following right behind him as he moved for his jacket. "Fine, stay there. This is the last time." He hung up the phone before Winston could say anything else and began to zip up his jacket while reaching for his beanie.

Newt crossed his arms," What was that about?"

Thomas turned, and with a heavy heart he reached to cup both of his cheeks," Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do," Newt said.

"An old friend needs help. He's not doing well, so I thought I'd get him out, take him to some coffee, maybe get him to a meeting," he explained, trying like hell to not fuck it up.

"An old friend?" 

Thomas knew what it looked like. A rather dangerous predicament he was willingly walking towards, but this was Winston. Winston didn't have anyone else, and as much as they fucked each other over, he had some sense in loyalty towards the guy. "I have to do this. I promise that everything will be fine, okay? I'll text you the moment it seems off."

"Okay," Newt said with such ease that it hurt. He trusted him too much, but it's what he needed for the moment. As soon as the meth was gone, he'd come clean about everything. "Just... be careful."

"Always," Thomas said, and when Newt still seemed worried he pressed his promise forward in a kiss. Newt trusted him, but that didn't mean he trusted Winston. His hand came to squeeze his shoulder gently before he turned towards the hall," I'm going to use the restroom and then attempt to find the keys."

Newt nodded," I'll help. I refuse to let you out in the cold, especially since he probably doesn't live on this side of town."

Thomas was not about to tell him which part of town Winston actually lived in.

"I promise not to run over anything," Thomas said in return. It was easy, lying to him. He told himself that it was only to get rid of the meth, that Newt would only freak out more if he knew... But it was easy lying, and that's what scared him.

And, the feeling didn't go away as he pulled into Winston's place. This was another thing he had to find forgiveness for. Winston had screwed him over plenty of times, but Thomas had done the exact same thing. Leaving him at Alby's, he hadn't ever found out what had happened. He'd gotten away free, and in return snuck the drugs into the abondos and nearly killed himself. Now... He couldn't say what he was doing here exactly.

He got out of the car and slowly trailed to the door, ignoring the avalanche of memories from the porch alone. Winston and him had been good friends, or at least they'd been decent users. The small creak of the screen door had him stepping back to allow for room, and Winston pulled back as he took Thomas in.

"You came," he said, wide eyed and past beaten. He'd said Alby had fucked him up, but he hadn't realized he'd meant physically. Winston clung to the door and leaned forward," Did you bring it?"

Thomas turned his hand in his pocket discreetly, showing the top of the baggie to ease his worries for the moment.Winston took one look and moved away from the entrance," Come in. My grandma's in the hospital so don't worry about whispering."

Thomas hadn't ever actually been in the place, mostly because his grandmother hated his guts. When he stepped in, quite warily, he was taken back by the thick stench of cigarette smoke and something foul. The carpet was stained, and the large rottweiler to the side had a piece of the couch torn open. He lifted his head to peer at Thomas, but Winston whistled low," Down. Don't make me fucking get the belt."

Winston pulled out a chair for Thomas and slid off a few magazines spread out on the coffee table," It's messy, I know. Been a shit week."

Thomas reached out to hand the baggie over when Winston gestured for the supply, "I can't have it, but I didn't want to throw it away," he explained.

Winston examined the contents and split open a huge ass smile, despite the redness and puffiness of his eyes" Shit, man-" he laughed in the midst of his looming despair," You got this much? I would have killed your ass if you'd thrown it away." He grabbed a thin magazine and Thomas realized then his flute sat just along the edge. It'd been the one they'd first gotten high with in their small little circle, when Alby had taken them under his wing.

"So uh, I'm glad I could help," He couldn't stop staring at it, could hear it's whispers as he clung tight to his own knee," I should go though." He never should have come.

Winston raised a brow," What? You can't leave, I need you to smoke this with me."

Thomas' chest tightened," I really shouldn't-"

"Dude," Winston said, and it almost came out as a plea," you came all the way here. For what? Like you haven't been holding onto that bag wanting to use it for days. I know you, I know what you want." He was already setting the pipe, his lighter just a few inches away from what would spread thick clouds into the timid room. "Come on... Just this once, I miss this. It's not the same without you."

"My boyfriend's waiting for me," Thomas mustered, though every damn breath was getting harder to take.

"I'm not forcing you," Winston said," but you don't look ready to leave, Thomas. Stop with the bullshit, tell me what you want cause you know I won't judge."

Thomas could feel his energy fade, and like a boulder crashing down into an untouched lake, he released the tension in his shoulders and fell back with a heavy sigh," I want to get high," he whispered," just one last time."

Winston flicked the lighter awake with a grin," Now that's more like the real Thomas."

Thomas wound his fingers through his hair as he looked down to the dirty carpet. What was he doing? Every damn part of him that remained sane was screaming at him to leave, to take off running and to never look back- but the other, the part still in love with his crystal, had never thought he'd actually come to Winston's and not take one hit. He'd held the baggie hostage as his two sides fought, only for his body to take him to the final stages where he was completely powerless to the pull.

He slowly, carefully lifted his head.

"One more time, Winst," he said," And then I'm done forever."


	25. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments :)

The rush was like an orgasmic bliss. Thomas threw his head back against the wall of Winston's room and bit back the grin his muscles pulled for. He felt... alive. There was an entirely new dimensional plane of euphoria that normal days couldn't bring. He'd taken one hit, and then another... Until the guilt of getting high was surpassed by the absolute wonder in which it released the tension of his shoulders. _Just for today,_ Thomas would be completely fucked up.

"Want to know a secret?" He asked, his legs stretched out beside Winston, who was pulling another puff of smoke.

"Yeah, tell it to me."

They were leaned up against the wall, staring off towards the empty book case and scattered newspapers the dog had destroyed. Thomas found the floor had been alot more comfortable then he'd first thought it would, and now- he bit back a wide grin as he spoke his secret, " Part of me knew as soon as I didn't flush it, I'd be getting high." He took the pipe for another hit, in which his high only enveloped him further to the point of no return. "Like... I told myself I wasn't, but I knew."

Winston laughed and hit him aside the shoulder," You fucking knew. God, I love having you here." 

Thomas felt weightless. He couldn't remember in those moments, the horrid pain his mistress had caused. What was so wrong with getting high occasionally? To relax? If he didn't do it again, he'd be in the exact same place as before in his recovery. It was all working out, and because of that he felt like he could do anything. His shoulders fell with a deep breath as the racing of his heart continued to quicken," Winst, what happened to your face?"

"I did some stupid shit." Winston put the pipe between his legs and blinked back the array of dust in the air. Thomas had began to notice the slightest particle pass before them, and he traced his finger along the floor to a pattern he'd seen. It wasn't like pot, in a way that all the colors were morphed together to eventually create art. It was like... finally being able to see all the intricate details etched into reality. " I told Alby he should take care of you, then I started laughing at him."

Thomas raised a brow," Take care of me?"

"I wanted it bad," Winston said, gesturing with his hands as he spoke," Alby was the only one I knew to go to."

"Fuck that," Thomas reached to fix the collar of Winston's shirt with a sigh," We're friends, aren't we?"

"We are now," Winston said, watching him with a steady gaze. He leaned forward and his fingers trailed along the fabric covering Thomas' thigh," You said you'd never leave me, but... That's exactly what you did. Why is it that I trust you and you're the one that lies the most?" A small grin played at his lips before he was standing up to stretch," You're still a big ass liar, just with another guy, huh?"

Thomas pushed a hand to the dresser to help him stand, feeling even more in the clouds now that the light of the ceiling touched his features in a more intense embrace. "I want another hit," he said after a moment, almost like a challenge as he tilted his head," You tell me if I'm lying about that."

  
Newt pushed his knees up to his chest and reached a hand to pat the soft fur ball attached to his side. He was rather clingy, but he was more Thomas' baby than anything. When he awoke in the middle of the night, he had to trail his paws along Thomas' chest and lick his face until he was certain his human was with him. When he took a shower, Simba had to be perched up on the side where water couldn't find him, only to make sure his human did not drown in the sudden down pour. It was adorable, really, but right now it just reminded him that Thomas wasn't there.

He trusted him, more than anything. It wasn't that he worried for his actions, moreso the friend he'd yet to meet. The only thing he had making him feel any less anxious was the text they'd made it to a meeting. At least Thomas was helping him. Still, as the hours passed, he grew a little upset to his stomach as some news broadcast a story about a dog saving a child from an attacker. With a sigh, he flipped the television to netflix and tried to find something interesting to get into.

He'd half dozed when the door clicked, and Newt's entire body shifted with alert as he waited for it to open. Thomas jangled the keys and stepped in, his beanie stuffed into his hands. Newt moved from the couch to wrap his arms around him with a soft breath of relief," I was beginning to think you crashed the car."

"What?" Thomas squeezed his waist and pulled back to look at the couch," Oh, babe. This documentary sucks. He ends up killing them all and it doesn't even say why. I'm really not sure it's even authentic."  
  
Newt snorted," Well, I hardly had anything better to do. Gally wanted me to come over, but I didn't want to have him pick me up until I knew you were okay."

"Okay?" Thomas cracked his neck and stretched until he could drop the beanie onto the back of the couch, and that's when he noticed the slight shake of his fingers and the way he averted his gaze," I'm feeling amazing. I mean," he pursed his lips for a moment," Uh, Winston and I talked a lot. He seemed to be doing way better after he saw me. I wouldn't even be worried now. Actually, you should be relieved."

Newt peered up at Thomas with furrowed brows," Then why are you so nervous?"

Thomas turned back to look at him in the dim light of the room," I am not nervous. I'm cold. You do realize it's almost snowing out there, right?" And to prove his point, he sauntered over to the window and pushed the curtains back. "Shit, I hope he's staying warm."

Newt watched him with something unsettling of the sorts forming along his stomach. He trailed forward to take Thomas' hand, who was right about having been cold. "Who is he exactly?" He bit his lip," Winston I mean."

"No one that matters," Thomas said," I mean, at least not in the way you do."

"Okay," Newt blinked back the exhaustion of the mid evening, and let out a deep breath," I was going to head to Gally's for a quick dinner if you'd like to come now."

"You believe me, just like that?" Thomas asked, and it had Newt turning back around to eye him with a startled face.

"Why wouldn't I?" Newt tried to read his expression, but found it was a little difficult to at the moment. "Unless he isn't _just_ some past friend and you two weren't _just_ talking." 

He didn't like the way he felt, and he wasn't even sure what the big deal was. Thomas was fine, and he highly doubted that Winston was any one he really had to worry about. He had to remind himself, that maybe his past boyfriends had lied and cheated, but Thomas was his. Thomas was different. He cleared his throat and made his way to stand in front of the man," I trust you," he said, in a more gentle tone.

"Sorry," Thomas said," I guess I just..." He trailed off and looked towards the door, or perhaps a different world entirely. "Winston's not my ex or anything, but he was? I guess I just feel guilty about the way things ended. It's why I was gone so long, we caught up, and then I had to make sure he was okay. I did some pretty messed up shit in my past-"

Newt's eyes softened immensely before he moved to take both of Thomas' hands in his," You don't have to explain anything to me. I trust you, and I know you have a past..." He tried for a small smile," It's alright, Tommy. You did what you thought was right."

Thomas let out a breath he must have been holding," I'm really happy to hear you say that."

"You can show me your gratitude by coming over to Gally's," Newt said, because his friend had been waiting a good time now. He wondered suddenly, if Brenda and Minho would be there. They hung out quite a bit as of late.

"Okay, yeah." Thomas swayed a little and looked back towards the hall," Let me just use the restroom." 

_Let me hide my sinful hands, calloused by the whispered words of a temptress._

Thomas closed the door and lifted his head to gauge just what he was working with, and when he found his face- he wondered why he should even try. Certainly Newt would know... If this man before him was really him, then how could Newt not? His eyes held no emotion, and he felt as if he was too clear to not be noticed in this realm of existence where everything was often dull. He pushed his hands through his hair and tilted his head slightly. "You got this," he whispered.

His hand fumbled in his pocket for the little Winston had offered him before parting. He'd said he'd end up needing it, but Thomas was still so fucking high that he couldn't imagine ever being sober again. He wasn't sure if he'd ever go back. He clung to the sink and let out a breath that was supposed to be calming. It felt great, but inside of his head was the repeated paranoia of Newt's careful gaze. If Newt could see how well he handled this stuff, then maybe he wouldn't have any guilt to push down.  
  
His phone revved to life, and he lowered a hand to his other pocket to read the text.

**_Winston_** : _Thank you. Though I wish you'd stayed, I'm all alone here. There's no one to touch me_

Thomas closed his eyes for a moment before pushing the phone back into his pocket. He'd been tempted, sure. Before leaving Winston's, Thomas had enjoyed the way the man's fingers felt brushing through his hair. He'd imagined finding another release and how much it resonated with the universe when it had been done high- but he loved Newt. To the point that he'd forced himself to the door and muttered a lame excuse to leave the moment his hands tried to go for somewhere unsafe.

_I have control. I am the master of my own mind, and I will not, under any circumstances, fuck this up._

It was easier than he'd thought. When they stopped by at Gally's, the entire group was there. Well, if you didn't count his sponsor, who should definitely not be friends with his friends. The idea in itself would lead to disaster, even if he didn't mind Frypan. It was just the concept. He pushed food around his plate as they talked about Gally's birthday or something. He wasn't sure. He was too busy trying to keep from talking. If he remained silent, then maybe they wouldn't even realize he was high.

"You want to go camping?" Newt asked with a chuckle," God, why?"

"I like the outdoors," Gally said, pushing an arm over Brenda's chair before winking over at Minho. "Plus it'll be in a nice ass cabin with jacuzzi's, not like we'd be roughing it."

Thomas heard them make plans, and he really tried to eat, but he wasn't really hungry. Or maybe he was, he just didn't have an appetite. Halfway into dinner Newt slammed a hand to the table," Tommy! Why didn't you tell me?"

He dropped his fork into his pasta with wide eyes," What?"

"That they were all dating?! I can't believe I'm the last to know," he said, and Thomas could feel his entire face lose color. He'd thought he'd meant something else. Suddenly, he wondered if they all knew. They had too. They were all staring at him. He tried to take in a deep breath, but it was too much. If he stayed any longer they would know about everything.

He stood abruptly," I need a cigarette."

He didn't wait to see their reactions, just took off towards the front door with hands that shook despite his urge for them to still.

Minho leaned forward with a whisper," Is he... okay?"

"Tomorrow is his mother's birthday," Brenda said from her place, and that had Newt finally connecting the dots. His weird behavior, his silence at the table and his overall need to be distracted... 

"He didn't tell me," Newt said, still looking towards the door.  
  
"He likes to act like it doesn't bother him, but this is the first time he'll be sober since she died," Brenda said," I think... going to the lake might be a good way to distract him."

Newt imagined Thomas alone now, up in the abondos with nothing to shield him from the harsh reality but the drug that wanted him dead. He looked over at his untouched plate and frowned to himself, his hands curling along the chair as he stood. "I'm going to check on him."

When he opened the door, Thomas was smoking on his fourth cigarette of the night, a little pile collecting along the porch. He lifted his head and smiled a little," Hey Newt, you need a smoke too? I swear, I can barely sit in there with them constantly talking. It's like- okay, we heard you the first time."

Newt bit his lip," Tommy, they told me about your mom." He unwrapped his arms around himself and moved to sit beside him on a step, leaning a bit closer to gather some warmth."You could have talked to me, you know? I can't even imagine how-"

"My mom died years ago," Thomas said with another long drag," I'm good now. It happens, Newt. It's just the way of life and when it's over you wait for the next person to die."

Newt's eyes widened with shock," Well... That's quite dark."

Thomas shrugged, which was odd, because he'd rarely spoken of his mother without the need to hold onto something solid. He'd always had such a difficult time voicing it, and now to see him wave the thought away so easily was a little more than concerning. 

"Not dark, just reality," Thomas said, and he offered him part of the cigarette to which he shook his head. " Don't worry about me. You look so worried tonight, and I'd rather you just relax. We can finish up here and do something fun."

"Fun?" Newt furrowed his brows and took hold of Thomas' arm," Tommy, don't push me out like that. You're clearly not okay."

"I'm actually pretty fine," Thomas said with a clenched jaw, and Newt felt his fingers release their gentle grasp. He was taken by surprise at how distant he'd been, but he knew it was only because of how much it took out of him. Newt wouldn't push it, just as Thomas had been patient and understanding with him.

Still, it didn't mean it was easy. Part of him wanted to urge Thomas to speak the truth, to show him what he'd been hiding the past few days. At least he knew now it was something to do with his mother.

Newt, suddenly, thought about his own mom. She wasn't dead, but sometimes it felt like she were. He'd mourn her loss, even if they were only states away where she probably held down her own condo and had a decent job. He couldn't imagine actually losing her, and they weren't even close anymore. He reached a hand to Thomas' knee and squeezed gently," Let's go home, Tommy. We'll do something fun."

  
Newt wanted so badly to distract Thomas from his thoughts, that when the night grew dark with the absence of light from the hidden stars he remained awake with him on the couch. Thomas was tense, his eyes locked on the screen and his hands remaining still in his lap. Newt leaned forward and ran his own hand against his thigh," It's getting late. If you would like, we could take a shower and then get to bed."

He smoothed his fingers higher up his jeans to tease soft circles. Thomas turned with a small flicker of a grin," Or we could skip the shower altogether and go right for the bed."

Thomas pushed forward suddenly, surprising the blonde who'd been half ready to convince him with a more direct approach. Here he was though, hovering over Newt with those eyes that desired for the hidden parts of his body.

"You need it?" Thomas asked, and the way he looked at him then was more than Newt could take. There was a devious curl to his lips, parted by his own wish to taste what flavor sin left in clouds of gasped words and trembling thighs. He pulled on Newt's hair and whispered with hot breath along his ear," You're going to ride me."

_Shit_ , Newt hadn't expected this. He could only muster a soft moan at trailing lips and the scrape of teeth against his neck," Yes sir."

It was easy to tell the difference, and perhaps it was the mixture of emotions rising to the surface in his actions- but Newt could feel how Thomas' changed in the midst of fucking himself back down onto his dick. He was more aggressive, less careful with Newt now. His fingernails dug deeper into his waist, his hips thrust forward with such demanding force that he could barely move quick enough to match. He was a gasping mess, sweat caressing the tone of muscle along Thomas' arm as he held him up.

The only thing that didn't change was the way Thomas moaned out his name between the moments where they'd finally found the highest plane of the mountain they climbed; when Newt was too exhausted to move, too full of Thomas to care. He'd been stretched to the point being empty felt wrong, but his discomfort afterwards was pulled from him when Thomas' long arms wrapped themselves around his body like a shield.   
  
_There's my Tommy_ , Newt thought. 

"I think I'm ready for another round," Thomas said, his lips making slow movement across Newt's shoulder.

"Already?" 

Thomas pushed into him," I'll go slow."

And Newt didn't have it in him to refuse, because Thomas was holding him like he feared letting go. He raised his leg gently and stifled a soft moan when he entered again, because he was most definitely going to be sore tomorrow.

Alby curled a hand along his phone, biting down on his lip to the point he could taste the blood of an open wound. He scanned the messages Newt and him had shared before, a while back ago. He hated this. In his entire life, no one had ever stuck to his head so god damn much. Newt was... insane in the ways it mattered.

He did things to him, things the drugs didn't. He pushed his head into his hands as Aris sat lounged across the other couch with a sigh. "If you want him so bad, let me finish Thomas off."

Alby shook his head," Newt cares about him."

"So?"

Alby leaned forward," I just... don't want to play any games anymore."  
  
Aris lifted his head at this, his brows furrowed with a look of horror," Dude, you're going soft. It's not cool, next thing you know you'll be letting Thomas in here like he's your best friend."

"It's not about that. This is about Newt." 

His friend, if you could even call Aris that, slowly sat up with a sudden sigh," Shit... You're in love with him."

Alby didn't say a word.

Newt awoke to the moonlight drenched bed, and the soft lull of a man beside him in the midst of what he could only hope were sweet dreams. He turned slightly, mesmerized by the soft, parting of Thomas' lips, the long lashes that lingered over perfect cheekbones and the delicately sculpted body draped between the sheets. Newt leaned forward to brush a strand of hair back from his head as he watched his lover rest in peace, unclouded by the confusion, untouched by the cruelty of the world.

Even with this beauty, handmade by a god who'd taken an entire world to set a single star in a human being, Newt knew it was more than his sense of sight that defined it. He could be blind, only to caress Thomas' soul and still find that he painted the most cherished work of art; Because beauty wasn't only the way Thomas' body felt warm against his own.

It was deeper, beyond his understanding.

Even so, he tried. Before he'd searched for the wrong type of connection, desperately hoping for someone to fill the hole that tore open his chest. He'd been confused about what it meant to fall for someone...

And then Thomas had reached for him, with the way he laughed at stupid jokes or offered soft smiles in the midst of turmoil. Loving him had become the messy bed hair in the rough mornings, when they let their warmth tempt them to stay in bed until the sun had risen completely. It was the way Thomas reached for Newt without thinking, or the way he turned to Thomas after anything particularly funny happened to see his lips curl into a smile. It was the small whispers in the hot showers, the pointless arguments over who had ruined dinner and later the race to order takeout. It was every small moment that Newt needed to feel sane, because he wasn't sure he could ever experience what it meant to be without the man now. He knew he'd be fucked, but he guessed being in love meant you didn't care. 

Newt lowered down into the nest of blankets," Don't break my heart, Tommy," He gently traced his fingers along the muscle of his arm," because I think I'd willingly let you."

For a moment, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to sleep, thinking over everything that had happened- but then Thomas opened his eyes with furrowed brows, and whispered in a tired voice," Did I dream that we adopted a chicken or...?"

Newt bit back a fond grin and pushed closer to his body," No, love. No chickens."

Thomas nodded slowly and his eyes began to fight the hold of sleep," Okay." He pulled the covers over his cheek and mumbled a little low," Hey Newt?"

"Hm?"

Thomas' gaze penetrated past all of his collected thoughts. "Come here," he said, and Newt wasn't entirely sure what he meant until his hand pulled at his arm," You'll get cold." 

Newt turned more towards him, feeling his arm wrap around his being as Simba continued to sleep on top of the pillow. He let out a relaxed sigh and let Thomas run his fingers down his waist until the light seeping past the curtains could no longer keep him awake. This was where he was supposed to be, and for the life of him he wondered why it had taken so long.

Little had he known, Thomas didn't sleep much through the night.


	26. Ask The Real Questions

_Staying clean is easier when we have someone who believes in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves._

_Even the most frequent relapser, usually has one staunch supporter who is always there, no matter what. It is imperative that we find that one person or group of people who believes in us. When we ask them if we will ever get clean, they will always reply, “Yes, you can and you will. Just keep coming back!”_

_We all need someone who believes in us, especially when we can’t believe in ourselves. When we relapse, we undermine our already shattered self-confidence, sometimes so badly that we begin to feel utterly hopeless. At such times, we need the support of our loyal friends._

_**\- Just for Today, Edited for Lit**._

Thomas was fine. He lifted his gaze to the man chairing this particular meeting and rolled his eyes when someone said something about the inability to be in control. He was in control. He'd gotten high, and still managed to make it to a meeting. He slouched back as he stretched out his arms, a yawn overtaking him once again. He couldn't help it, he was bored. He'd just spent long nights pretending to sleep, and now he was beginning to feel the soft lull of exhaustion before it would become a real issue.

Frypan eyed him from the side," You good?"

Thomas tried to keep his eyes open," Yeah, I woke up with a fever. Thought it was nothing." Well, he'd definitely have to come up with some solution on that part. Being exhausted hours before the group made their way to the lake wasn't going to cut it. He stifled another yawn, to which his sponsor eyed him in disbelief.

"I'm going to smoke," Thomas said, and he heard his sponsor mutter under his breath as he left.

"That's your third cigarette of the meeting."

There was something about the meetings that just felt toxic when you were using. The room was smaller, and everyone suddenly knew what you were doing and how long you'd been doing it. They were addicts, they knew the bullshit lies they told themselves, so why wouldn't they know about Thomas'? He wasn't in "active addiction" or however they wanted to put it in the literature. He'd just gotten high once, and all he had to do was wait for it to be over and everything would go back to normal.

Except, he hadn't counted on the come down. He hadn't realized how much he'd want to do it after one time, how it would feel like the months of sobriety had been nothing but a single footstep being weathered away by the fog. 

"Okay, I think we need to talk," Frypan had followed him out, and now he was taking a seat on the little raise of cement out looking a small garden they weren't supposed to ash in. Thomas took a long drag and blew out the smoke that didn't do much for him this morning.

Thomas pushed his hoodie up to brace himself against the sudden push of wind, though it didn't help much for his cold hands. "Yeah?" He blinked back the down pour of exhaustion, but the growling of his stomach followed soon after. He needed to eat, he reminded himself. He'd forgotten this morning.

"You're not right," Frypan said," You look like you've been on the shit all week."

"Tch," Thomas smiled wide as he milked his cigarette for all it was worth," If I'd relapsed, you think I'd be here?"

Frypan stared at him, and it might have been a single moment in the real world, but to Thomas it felt like forever; like he'd read all his thoughts and pocketed them into his own mind for safekeeping. Thomas shifted uncomfortably by the garden's barrier. "I'm fine Fry. I was with my friends all week. They'd know if I had."

"You think I'm new to this?" Frypan clasped his hands together and leaned forward to speak in his oh so glorious sponsor ways. "I'm not saying you've done anything, Thomas. I'm just noticing there's a change in your behavior. You skipped three meetings last week, and you haven't called me." He looked to Thomas, who did his best not to care," I'm just making sure everything is okay, so you don't relapse. You're not alone in this. You can tell me things."

Thomas threw his cigarette to the ground and took in a deep breath, because he was becoming annoyed quite easily. He fidgeted with the ring on his finger. It often hung along a necklace, but sometimes he needed something to touch, to distract himself from the world around him. "Seriously," Thomas said," the only thing I have pressing on me at the moment is how boring today's meeting is."

"That's what I mean, you normally love listening in-"

Thomas coughed into his arm with a sigh, swaying back from the garden," I just don't feel good today. Does there have to be a reason? Come on, Fry. Just take me home, I need to pack."

Frypan was silent for a moment, but eventually he nodded a little. "Fine."

Gally adjusted the bag on his shoulder, nearly jumping in surprise when a firm hand landed on his ass. He looked back to see Minho wiggle an eyebrow at him, to which he definitely didn't turn red like a school girl. He turned away whilst clearing his throat-

"Are we doing birthday spankings?" Brenda asked from the side of the car, and that did it. Gally choked on air as he pushed himself forward to put his things in the back of the van. Newt was watching them with a wide ass grin, at least until Thomas came out of the apartment with a small duffel bag in hand.

He lifted his gaze and reached for Thomas' arm," Feeling any better? You don't have to come if you're sick, love."

Thomas blinked a couple times, rubbing his eye as if something had gotten stuck. "I feel a lot better actually. I guess I was just being a baby this morning. Hey," he turned his head and frowned, only for Newt to gesture back to the van.

"He's in his crate, whining for you." 

Thomas felt Simba's pain. Being locked up, metaphorical or not, was never an easy thing. He remembered suddenly, how he'd experienced the first night in jail, when they'd closed the doors and it had all come crashing down. It was like he hadn't even realized he was serving time until the lights had gone off and he was alone. It felt like that now, an imprisonment to the highest order where his friends and loved ones were the ones with the cuffs.

Meth, _oh what monstrous kiss_ , offered him up the key.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Newt whispered in the van, when they'd started doing seventy on the interstate like they didn't have a care in the world other than their destination. 

Thomas squeezed his knee then and forced a smile, his heart racing horribly in his chest," I'm super great." A little line in the first gas station bathroom was exactly the cure to his dwindling strength. He'd only taken a little, because being high in a cramped car would be too risky. He'd talk too much, and that always gave it away. 

Half way into the bag full of snacks passed around the car, he let Simba out of his crate to view the passing world. His little paws rested on the door as his head followed each and every tree. He wished he was as innocent as the kitten, where the only problem was his next meal and what place he'd make his bed for the night, because his entire world would give him everything. He was a king, and Newt and Thomas served him well.

He reached for his phone and began to type away, nothing important, just a series of words driven by the sudden alertness of his mind. He was sure when he read it later, it wouldn't make as much sense as it did in the moment. Newt would occasionally trace patterns into his jeans, sometimes whispering small jokes about the throuple's argumentive way of sharing the aux cord.

"Ugh, this is a gay song," Minho said, clutching the wheel as if it actually inflicted a horrid pain.

Gally looked to Brenda and whispered loud enough," It's probably more gay that he sleeps with me."

And she died laughing with a bag of sour gummy worms set down in her lap in the front seat. Gally had immediately smiled like the entire world had just offered him a wish, and Newt knew the feeling. Every time he could get Thomas to laugh, it felt like nothing could go wrong. He looked at him then, and where he normally caught Thomas already staring, this time he had his head in his phone. He bit his lip and turned towards the window instead, viewing the way city crept into the country side, where vast amounts of water kissed the rocky banks.

 ** _Winston_** : _Are you coming over this weekend?_

 ** _Thomas_** : _Camping or whatever you call it. I'll call you tonight._

Thomas finished sending the text and pushed his phone back into his pocket. With a soft breath, he turned to look towards Newt, but he was stuck on the view of the open lake, in which trees shrouded further grounds and a few cabins set out with wooden paths towards the cold water. Simba cried out and scratched at the window, and Minho gave the backseat a scowl," If he tears anything up, I'm making him pay."

"With what money exactly?" Newt said with a small smirk.

"With his daddy's money," Minho replied, and that had the blonde rolling his eyes.

Thomas reached out to take Newt's hand, because the sudden desire for psychical contact could not be ignored. He was rewarded with a gentle squeeze, and the soft tint of red against his cheeks. How could he blush when it was only Thomas that touched him? It amazed him every damn time, that he could affect Newt like this. He only hoped that it didn't fade like everything in else in life.

And another pressing question was, why in the hell were they camping in winter? Gally had insisted the cabin was suitable for the best parties, but Thomas wasn't sure. It felt like one of those movies, where some idiotic people got together and locked in a cabin during a snow storm while a horrid monster feasted on their flesh. Not... That it was storming, or that he believed in monsters. It was stepping into the living room that he realized just how much this wasn't a camping trip.

"What the fuck?" Minho eyed the luxurious chandelier that lit up the living room that reigned bigger than his entire apartment. He dropped his own bag as he turned towards the stairs that crossed towards the bedrooms and pool table outstretched along a mini game set.

All the while, Gally smirked at them," My dad bought this place a while back. I used to seduce cheerleaders here, but now I get to seduce you two."

Newt huffed a short breath," Please, I had more-" he stopped himself and pretended to look busy admiring the head of a deer above the fire place.

"What's that?" Thomas asked, half cuddling with Simba who eventually escaped his grasp to trail along the wooden floor.

"Newt lost his virginity here," Gally helped, to which he received a death glare. He held his hands up defensively and decided to go for the stairs, where Brenda followed with her single carry on. She was pretty good at living through minimalist ideals, unlike Minho who had three to drag up.

"Was it uh-" Thomas pursed his lips," Daniel?"

"No," Newt said with a scowl, and he picked at a string along his jacket," her name was Grace, and she was my old babysitter."

"You-"

"Yes, my love. I liked women before I realized men were much prettier to me," Newt pushed a hand to grab Thomas' arm and to half drag him forward," Now, I'll spare you the embarrassing details to show you my favorite room."

Really, it wasn't as bad as Thomas thought it'd be. The camping, anyways. The bedrooms were huge, with thick comforters and a jacuzzi tub in the connected bathroom. The floors were immaculate, as if they had a regular cleaner, which they probably did. And God, the level of support the mattress had was worthy of a king. He'd plopped down and spread out his arms with a wide eyed look," We have to buy a new mattress babe."

Newt lied down beside him with a chuckle," Alright. If it means we'll actually use it."

Thomas bit back a grin," Well, I do like the kitchen counter, and the table and uh- wow, we've done it a lot of places."

Newt flushed red at this, and he repositioned himself to lie on his stomach. Simba found a place on the overly sized couch out in front of the flat screen television. He wondered suddenly, if other men Newt had been involved with had gotten to see this side of him, or if it really was purely physical. For some reason, the emotional vulnerability was what would make him jealous more. If that made any sense.

For a moment, Thomas felt okay. Later in the night he assured them, once again, that he could have a drink. It was Gally's birthday after all, and he sure as hell wasn't about to watch them party alone. He took a sip of a corona as some pop song blasted on the radio. Newt curled a hand around Gally's arm with laughter that had his head thrown back before he swatted at his friend," You're lucky it's your birthday. I'd kick your arse."

"My ass," Gally said," A-S-"

"S!" Minho threw his hand in the air with his own drink, half perched on the arm rest of the couch while his legs sat along the coffee table.

Newt rolled his eyes and sent Thomas a small smirk, to which he winked in response. He could keep the act up for now, as he still remained awake and alert.Thomas took another sip and watched them all, as if it was a simple movie he'd yet to really tune into. He felt his phone in his pocket and stood up from the couch," I'll be right back," he said, putting his beer down. They either didn't hear him or they didn't need to question where he was off too. At least his boyfriend and friends trusted him, unlike his damn sponsor.

As soon as he made it outside, he dialed Winston's number with shaking hands. He waited for a while until he heard the other end spark to life with his voice," Thomas! Hey, what's up?"

"Hey, Winst. Just calling to check up on you," he said, biting away at his lip. He'd ended up causing a pretty painful split with how often he'd used it to rid himself of nerves.

"You're calling to see how much I have left."

Thomas chewed harder with his thumb pressed against his mouth," Um... Yeah. I just wasn't sure."

"Have enough for two days maybe. What about you?" He heard something in the background and could only assume it was the dog causing another mess.

"Maybe a day," Thomas turned to make sure no one had followed him outside, and in a low whisper," You think you can get some more?"

"Maybe. I could call in a favor, but..."

"Yeah?" Thomas asked, a little impatiently.

"I don't have any cash, Thomas. I can't suck him off either, he's only into chics and you know Alby won't sell to me. My options are low."

Thomas looked back to the house," I can get cash, okay? Just get me a connection."

The door opened, and Newt poked his head out with a concerned look," Tommy? Aren't you cold?"

Thomas hung up the phone and stuffed it into his jacket pocket, turning abruptly to offer him up a wide, nervous grin. "Hey, yeah. I was just- getting some air," he gestured vaguely and shoved his hands back into his pockets.

Newt took a moment, his hands still on the handle of the door. He pursed his lips, as if contemplating on something rather difficult. "Was that Frypan?"

"Huh?"

Newt frowned," On the phone. Were you talking to Frypan?"

Thomas stepped forward and tried to stop his heart from racing, because here it was. One more lie to pile in the trash he'd created. He licked his lips and stared off towards the door," Yeah, he's being pretty persistent lately." His hand reached for Newt's arm gently," Come on, I don't want you getting a cold baby."

"Okay," Newt pushed forward for Thomas' cheek, leaving a small peck before he turned to head inside with Thomas. The coast seemed clear, and Thomas wasn't going to let anything ruin the night. For the most part, it was spent drinking and laughing about nonsense. Thomas hadn't had much, but he'd already been good to go in the van. He pushed a hand along Newt's waist, brushing his lips against his neck in the middle of a more sensual song," Mm, stop Tommy."

"Why?" He asked, squeezing his side as he pulled him closer into his body.

The throuple was taking turns, hanging off each other and muttering soft whispers. It was beautiful, to see his best friends happy with a man he'd once considered an ass. Well, he was still an ass, but a cool one. One he trusted. He leaned into Newt and pressed a soft kiss to his lips," Bedroom?"

Newt met his gaze with a fierce determination," Meet me upstairs." 

Thomas nodded a little, pushing for another lingering kiss as parting. He figured Newt wanted to say something to Gally before the night ended. As he turned, Newt grabbed at his arm," Take your jacket off, silly. We've a coat rack. It's much too warm in here for that thick thing."

Thomas blinked a little with furrowed brows. In all honesty, he'd forgotten he had it on. Another line in the bathroom might bring him more clarity, but he pushed the jacket off to hand it over to Newt, who had a hand outstretched. "Must be the drinks," Thomas said with a chuckle, because everyone else had long taken theirs off. He hadn't even realized the temperature change from the cabin to the outside.

"Don't worry," Newt smiled up at him," I'll be up shortly."

Thomas squeezed his hand before making his way upstairs, and in one moment he was suddenly digging through his shit like his life depended on it. He reached for the baggie and grabbed the tissue box from the bathroom, flipping it over to use a balanced ground for his line. He had a thick straw he'd cut in half, and he made sure the line was smooth by cutting it more with one of his debit cards. Not that it had any cash on it. His palms were sweating now, maybe because of how he knew it would make him feel.

He didn't have a problem. This wouldn't affect him like before, because now he was being smart about it. He'd only spend what he had, wouldn't leave any debts unpaid... And he wouldn't let it affect his relationship. He was so certain of it then, that it had to be true.

With a deep breath, he lowered the straw to his nostril and snorted the line. It didn't last as long, but it hit so much harder that it had him falling back against the wall to take in the sudden euphoria that flooded his body. He gasped with a soft grin, standing there for a while to feel the new air that surrounded him.

The door of the room opened soon after, so Thomas grabbed the near empty bag and stuffed it under the sink for safe keeping. When he felt certain of himself, he opened the bathroom door and offered Newt up a wide smile, only to frown when he saw Newt's expression. Something was off.

"Babe?"

"I have no one to touch me," Newt said, and it didn't hit him where the words had come from until he threw his phone onto the bed. His fucking jacket. Newt took a moment before he trailed forward, only to stop halfway," Why would you need to lie to me? Why... Why would it matter you were calling Winston?"

"You went through my phone?" He asked in disbelief.

"Of bloody course I did," Newt stammered," You've been acting strange all week. Then we come here and you lie to me about calling Frypan. I could tell, you know. I'm not an idiot. I've been lied to by men before."

"Newt-"

"No," Newt said, and he seemed to be trying to keep his composure," I trust you, and you don't even realize how hard it is for me to trust people. If you could just, stop lying to me. Just tell me," he took in a broken breath," Did you sleep with him?"

Thomas' eyes widened," What?"

"Did you sleep with him?" He asked, so direct and angry that it startled Thomas.

When Thomas still stared at him with shock, Newt shook his head with unshed tears as he moved for his bag by the bed. "This is ridiculous-"

"I didn't sleep with him," Thomas said," Newt, look at me." He couldn't get his attention, so he pushed forward to reach for his arm only to falter when Newt pulled away like he'd been slapped.

"Look at me," Thomas repeated slow, and he waited a while before Newt looked into his eyes. He gasped softly, water bordering the atmosphere found in his gaze as Thomas whispered," I would never cheat on you. I got nervous, but I swear to everything I've ever believed in, I didn't touch him. You know me. Baby, you know everything."

"Then what's going on?" Newt asked desperately," One moment you're all lovely and mine, and the next you just... You just seem gone, like I'm missing something. I thought maybe it was your mother, but you don't want to talk about it."

"I'm a recovering addict," Thomas said," I've been... having some trouble. Dreams, and I just don't understand how to do this. Everything is-" _Terrifying_.

Newt lowered down onto the bed, and Thomas followed right after to take his hands in his. He had to convince him everything was alright. If he lost Newt, then that would mean he really had an issue. He couldn't. He wouldn't. "Tell me," Newt whispered.

"I wanted to hide how scared I was," and god, he could feel the high take over with how much words spilled to sound good," Everyday, without it, it's just so damn hard. I wake up thinking about it. I fall asleep and I dream, and it just doesn't stop. It never will, Newt. I'm always going to want something that I can't have, and I know that sounds shitty. I know I shouldn't, it just happens. I don't know how to get rid of this."

Newt nodded, and finally he could see the wet streaks that fell. His hand moved to wipe them clean," I'm so sorry, Newt."

Newt shook his head," No, I'm sorry. I was doubting everything and you just needed me to be here. You're always here for me, and yet you go off and try to act like nothings wrong just for my sake."

"I won't hide it anymore," Thomas said with a soft voice.

"Promise?" Newt asked, trying for a smile.

Thomas leaned forward suddenly to kiss him, and between breaths of air he let out another whisper," I promise, and I'll promise again tomorrow because I think we're both drunk."

Newt chuckled, despite the overall gloom in the room," I had a lot to drink."

"I know, baby," he intertwined their fingers and gestured towards the pillows," Let's get some sleep. We'll feel better in the morning."

Newt moved forward suddenly and wrapped his arms around Thomas' neck. He could feel his heart race, almost matching his own. His hands wound in the back of Newt's shirt as he held him close," Or we could stay like this for a while?"

Newt didn't let go. Thomas, as fucked as he was, took this as an answer in itself.


	27. Chapter Names Are Overrated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so much for all the comments and kudos!!!
> 
> Also I was going to make this a long ass chapter, but I got finished writing half and wanted to update it. See, the impatience I have.
> 
> Also I figured a two parter would be easier on my schedule since I love posting every other day or so if I can. Once I get a writer mode ready, I can't do anything else ;p

  
_Your lies come out eventually._

_And sometimes, they're pretty damn ugly._

  
Thomas awoke to a loud whistle emanating from his own mind, and he tasted the metallic on his tongue as he pulled back to view his surroundings. Glass shattered amongst his lap in a dark car, and his hand grasped something in the seat but his vision was only just escaping the blur. He cried out as he struggled to undo the belt, something scraping harsh against his skull from the inside.

Where the fuck was he?

He finally managed to undo the belt and stumble from the car onto the harsh rock of ground. A tree embedded itself into half of the car's glass and he only realized then that the long, thick branch had come much too close to penetrating his skull on impact.

"Wh-" he winced at his own voice and doubled over to drench the side of the crushed car with vomit. His entire insides felt as if they'd been burning over the worst fires, before being stretched open and poked. When he could finally breathe, and even that seemed to take a while, his gaze took the scene of the crash in. It was a forest. A horrid, endless forest. He began to race through his thoughts for answers, but the memories came in confusing waves.

_"I just want some water! Fucking water. It's free dude, like you're literally being a dictator over something I need to survive!" Thomas slammed down his hand on the counter, and the man from the Mobil gas station pulled back with a permanent scowl._

_Winston shook his head with a disapproving sigh," Water. He wants water."_

_The man raised his phone," You pay, or you don't get shit. I'll call the cops man, just leave. You're scaring my other customers."_

_Thomas' eyes darkened as he stepped forward towards the thin glass that separated them. His finger jabbed into it as he spoke," If I was a kid, you'd be giving me as much water as you could. I told you, I don't have my wallet. If I end up in the hospital because of dehydration then you're paying the bill. You think the cops scare me? At least I'll get some damn water in jail! Even the pigs understand that much."_

_Winston pulled on Thomas' arm with wide eyes," Wait, Thomas. He'll actually call the cops. We'll just go back to my place, okay?"_

_Thomas pushed Winston away," No, it's the principle Winst. This guy is being an-" he froze, his hand tugging at his own chest as a painful lurch had him stumbling back. Winston went for him immediately despite how small he was compared to Thomas; He managed to hold him by his arm with wide eyes._

_"We're going sir- we're going!"_

Thomas wiped his mouth and tried to take in another deep breath to steady himself. His hands lowered to his knees before he stood upright. There had to be an explanation for this. He pushed himself forward and opened the car door to look for a phone, but everything was so fucked that he could barely get into the right side with his arm. After a moment he cursed and slammed the door shut, wounding his fingers through his hair with a gasp.

"Please," he begged towards the sky," Please help me."

And as he spoke, wind gushed forward to throw papers from the back of the car. One of them fluttered by and hit him in the thigh, unable to move with the sudden barrier. Hesitantly, he lowered to pick it up and read the first few words on the torn pamphlet. 

WELCOME TO OHIO.

"Shit," he said, of all the places... 

_Newt looked to the window, despite the fact Thomas tried to gain his attention as he moved forward to the counter. His hand ran up his arm gently," Can I do something? To fix this?"_

_"There's nothing to fix this," Newt finally said, and he turned around to look at Thomas with eyes full of tears. His fingers clenched to his shirt," My mom has built an entire family. She's happy. Why would I want to ruin that?"_

_Thomas pushed a hand to cup his cheek, his thumb moving to collect the fallen drops," Because she's your mom. It's not ruining things by trying to talk to her. If-" he let out a soft breath," if it were my mom, I'd do what I could. Just to have that closure."_

_"She has a son now and everything," Newt said, and more anger tinted his tone," She can't even call me, but she has plenty of time to go to his bloody games." He pulled away from Thomas and wiped his own cheeks with great determination. For a moment, Newt just stared off towards something Thomas couldn't see. "I never actually cared, you know? As soon as my dad walked back in my life, I felt like my life was becoming complete. I had you, and I had friends... And I told myself that I didn't need her, but now I just-" he closed his eyes with a deep breath," I don't know. It's like I'm losing her, even if I never really had her."_

_"Newt..." Thomas reached for him again, this time wrapping him in a tight embrace, because sometimes there was nothing to fix. Sometimes life happened, and all you could really do was hold on until it let you breathe. "It's okay. She's your mom, you're allowed to be upset."_

_Newt clung to him, and he choked on a short breath," I miss her," he said, and the words hurt so much. Thomas knew the feeling._

Thomas made it to a road, curving farther into looming trees with a single sign to announce the sharp turns. With a defeated look, he slowly outstretched his hand with his thumb up. "What am I kidding?" He muttered, still barely standing with the oncoming surge of pain. He threw his hands up and nearly screamed into the sky," Come on! This isn't help!"

It was cold, and of course he wasn't wearing a jacket. Newt always reminded him too, but he had a feeling this trip hadn't been planned. He wondered with a new type of pain, if Newt was already looking for him.   
  
There were so many questions going through his mind as he pushed forward down one side of the road. Clouds caressed one another, until their bodies grew heavy and gray. It wasn't until the first drop hit, that he looked down and noticed the blood staining his fingers. With a shaky breath, he reached for his head and hissed at the sharp stab. He had a gash across the side, and even if it had dried and swollen, it still had him fighting back the urge to vomit what was left over in his stomach.

He took another step, and an engine ignited a little hope, and he waited a long time until the bright lights of a semi truck made its way pass another curve. His eyes widened as he threw his hand up, his heart racing quicker than any chemical had ever made it. Part of him thought it would drive off without even checking, but it screeched to a stop where he stood- and for a long moment, he waited. The door pushed open, and he sighed in relief as a man stuck his head out. "You lost boy?"

Thomas bit back frustrated tears," Something like that."  


  
_"It's hot," Thomas warned, half cupping the bowl of soup while he tried to not spill any more on the coffee table. Newt pulled his knees up close to his chest. He'd been down ever since he'd found his mother's face book profile, and Thomas had made it his personal mission to make sure he was okay. When he finished setting up the meal, he leaned forward to turn their movie on._

_"You don't have to baby me," Newt said._

_"You're my baby," Thomas informed, and he offered him up a napkin and spoon," And I like cooking. I'm amazing, I mean- look at this five star meal."_

_Newt snorted despite his low mood," It's uh, very nice looking soup."_

_"And crackers," Thomas gestured, because that added to the overall effect. This had Newt smiling, even if it was semi forced. He reached over to squeeze Thomas' hand in response._

_"Thank you," he said," I'd go insane without you."_

_Thomas smiled down at him and brought his hand up to kiss it," It's mutual." It really was. Even if he was slowly losing his mind, Newt kept him in the present. It was moments like these that made him realize how much he loved being alive._

Thomas sat scrunched up against the window, trying to find a way to remember other than the flash of memories that brought their own headaches. He chewed this inside of his lip after cleaning his wound with the water bottle the man offered with a concerned frown. Why couldn't he remember everything? Was it the head injury? 

It had to be.

" _Thomas_."

His eyes widened as he turned, half expecting to see his mother. It'd been her voice and it startled him so much that the man realized his sudden change in demeanor. "You alright?"

Thomas took in a sharp breath," I uh- headache," he mustered weakly.  
  
"I believe it, with a wound like that," The bearded man turned onto an unfamiliar road. No surprise there. He'd never been to Ohio in his life. "You say you were in a wreck?"

"Yeah," Thomas said," And I have no freaking clue what happened before it."

"I one time woke up in a Denny's bathroom with a black eye," he informed," I know the feeling."

Somehow, Thomas thought their situations were completely different. He pushed a hand to the side of his seat and tried keep from saying anything that would get him kicked out. With pursed lips, he eyed the man beside him," Can I use your phone?"

Newt stared at the wall, unmoving, unable to fully grasp the situation that had tore open his chest. He couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Thomas had been gone for three days. There had been no argument, no shattered glass or words mixed with anger. He'd gone out, and he just hadn't come back. The first night he'd spent calling every number he could possibly think of. He'd gone to the small 24hr market Thomas had been employed with, only to find out he never even applied. He'd dug through everything, only to be met with the clear baggie, left over residue of a white crystal.

His entire being had shattered then. How could he not have known? How could he have lost his Tommy, and not have the slightest clue when it started? Minho had come over, he'd said "It's happened before. He'll come back."

"What if he doesn't?"

"He will," Minho had said.

Well, he never did come back. Newt was alone, and god he wanted more than anything to hear Thomas' voice. It didn't matter that he'd lied, just that he was okay. 

He fought back tears and looked down at his phone, "Please Tommy, please."

He should have noticed. His smiles had become forced, his hands had began to shake when he held his, and his eyes were always so distant. Thomas was there, but he wasn't really. Newt had been in denial, and because of it he blamed himself for it. He should have been there.

"Newt!" Minho pushed open the door to his apartment, followed by Gally and Brenda soon after. Newt stood up from his spot with wide eyes, because those looks on their faces did not warrant good news. He forced the tears back and stepped forward, waiting for them to say he wasn't coming back, that something bad had happened.

Gally was the one to speak.

"We uh, we have to show you something."

Thomas threw the phone back into the middle seat with an audible groan," Fuck!" He threw his face into his hands," I don't remember anyone's numbers." He wasn't even sure if it was his head or if it was the simple fact everyone was saved under contacts in his phone. Either way, he was screwed until he got into town and could google a number with an actual device that had a working internet basis.

"It's going to be okay kid," Robert said, a name he'd learned after he'd spent a good thirty minutes with small talk. "We'll figure it out."

" _Thomas_."

Thomas jumped and grabbed the seat, his head turning back and forth at the voice again. She was there. She had to be there. His eyes widened as he looked for her," Mom? Mom, I'm right here."

Robert raised a brow," You... Okay?"

"Mom, please," he scraped his fingers against his knee with a gasp. He could hear her everywhere. 

Robert shook his head as the truck halted to a stop in a truck station. He put it in park, turning his body to face Thomas," Come on, we need to get you some help. I didn't realize..." The words fell of his tongue before he was opening his door," Just come on."

"This-" Newt pushed forward and jabbed his finger into Winston's chest," You did this! You got him high and now he's gone!"

Winston backed up, and Gally grabbed for Newt's arm, who did his best to pull away," Leave it! Gally I'm going to kill him! Tommy could be dead-" he pointed his finger again as Winston stared in horror. "It's his fault!"

Minho moved in between them with a hand raised," Newt, listen. It's no one's fault. Thomas got high because he wanted too. As pissed as I am, Winston knows where he could be. He has a video he wants to show you."

Newt threw himself off of Gally and stared forward with hatred in his eyes. He knew, but he needed to be angry at someone. He needed to feel this horrid, painful worry as something else. Brenda watched with an unreadable expression, but she was the one that handed the phone over.

_Thomas perched up in a chair, his head thrown back as Winston watched him from across the outside table of a Mexican Inn. He was smiling wide at him, and he leaned forward to ask," So whatcha going to do Mr. Thomas?" He pushed the phone forward to get a close up of Thomas' face, his eyes moving back and forth like he was struck by every tiny movement of air._

_Thomas pointed a finger at him and winked," I'm going to find my dad and kick his ass. So bad. Like..." He trailed off and made a fist," Tell him exactly what I think. I found where he lives, and if I could just go there-"_

_"Yeah?"_

_Thomas smirked," I'd make him take back everything he ever said to me."_

_"Do it. It'll be awesome for my documentary."_

_"You know what else would be awesome for your documentary?" Thomas asked with a wide ass grin._

Winston grabbed the phone abruptly and turned the video off," Um, that was the only important part."

"The rest was shit you'll get in trouble for later," Gally said with a glare, and he gave his best friend a soft look before placing a hand to his shoulder," See? He's probably off to his dad's."

Winston pursed his lips," About that..."

"What now?" Newt demanded, biting away at his lip.

Winston took in a deep breath and tried to keep from getting killed," Thomas, before he stole your car," and he gestured to Minho and Brenda," He started hearing voices and shit. I think he took too much. He thought he could handle it and he just fucking lost it- I tried to stop him, but he was so determined."

Newt shook his head and took in a long, ragged breath. "So he could be anywhere?"

"We'll find him," Gally said," We just need to find out where his dad even is. Retrace his steps."

"His steps are meth induced," Newt argued.

Minho was the one who spoke up next, half turning to Gally's car," Well, we have an expert" He eyed Winston, who looked relatively small in his over sized jacket. Thomas' jacket. "You're sticking with us Winst, like it or not."

The man nodded with serious intent, and Newt was taken by shock at how worried Winston looked then. He didn't think he'd care, since he'd willingly doused Thomas in what had ruined his life the first time. He tried not to say anything else as they all moved towards the car, Gally at his side researching away. 

Thomas followed the man into the truck station, holding his arms around himself as he blinked back the sudden brightness. The man had pulled an arm around him halfway when he faltered in his steps to stare at the sign. "Just sit down right here. I'll buy you something to eat."

Thomas moved to lower himself on the bench, out looking the door," I'm not hungry."

"I know," Robert said with a frown," I was just like you, kid. Lost and full of drugs in my system. I could barely walk after I drove into a house, gave me time to think about my problem."

"I don't have a problem."

"Okay buddy," Robert shook his head and trailed off towards the snacks, but Thomas could only think about Newt in that moment. He didn't care he was starving or wounded to the point he may have had a severe concussion, because Newt was out there, probably terrified beyond belief. 

" _Thomas, come here."_

Thomas sat up abruptly before stumbling towards the display of ohio keychains, his gaze rocking back and forth in order to find the woman, or his mother.

He could still remember her sweet voice.

" _You're close_."

Thomas followed it with urgency, his hands pushing past isles of useless garbage as people turned to stare. He knew it was the evil in the world trying to rid him of the happiness of his mother's embrace. They'd take her away again. She'd be gone forever.

"Thomas?" Robert's voice bled into his vision of soft hands and warm eyes.

"Don't touch me," Thomas yanked his arm away from the man's calloused fingers," I don't need help. I'm fine!" He was bigger though, and he found his hold wasn't as easy to get away from than Winston's had been. Robert dropped a twenty on the counter and mustered a few words of apology before taking Thomas from the shop with a bag in his free hand, all the while Thomas winced as he tried to get away from the stranger. "Dude! I don't even know you! This is kidnapping!"

Robert let go of him and he nearly fell when he lost his footing from the release of tension," You were acting insane. I had to make sure they didn't call the cops on you. You pushed down two stands, Thomas."

"Like you care," Thomas said, and he closed his eyes when a sudden pain in his head bordered on a splitting migraine," Fuck, why does everything have to be so loud?"

Robert reached a hand to his shoulder," There's a hospital about twenty miles off the interstate. I'll getcha there and maybe someone can find your family."

The world was too bright, illuminated by every strand of color embedded into a woven reality. A reality in which, he couldn't be too sure he belonged. His gaze caressed the cement and the tiny rocks scrunched together for some country effect. He allowed the man to lead him to the truck, when his head finally released the grasp of it's devious intent. 

"I don't know if I have any family left."

The words as sharp as they were, came out desperate. He'd fucked up, again. How many times could you hurt the people you loved until they had no more love left to give?

Newt braced himself for the long ride. It'd be a couple of hours at least, and part of him wasn't even sure that's where Thomas would be. It'd been easy enough to find his father, even if he refused to give up any information on the one profile he had online. A number, at least, would help them find out if Thomas had even been there.

"Ohio?" Gally asked again," Out of all the places, why did-"

"Gally, shut up," Newt said, but he didn't hold any force behind it. He was mad with nerves, stuck in the back of the van with Winston, who was clearly into his own shit. He was still nestled in Thomas' jacket, and even if Newt wanted to scream for him to take it off, it was cold.

"He's been looking for his dad for a while," Winston said in a soft voice, picking at nothing in particular along his jeans," That profile is new."

Newt's jaw clenched. Thomas had never mentioned his father to him, not in a way he thought they'd ever venture down to see him. Maybe they'd worked things out. Still, why the hell hadn't Thomas even called him? If it was true, that Thomas was experiencing a psychotic break, then he feared the worse.

"You could have come to us sooner," Newt said.

"I-" Winston frowned," I thought he was ignoring me. I thought maybe he didn't want to speak to me anymore after what happened. It wasn't until I saw Minho at my door that it made sense."

Minho threw his head into his hands," I don't even care about the car. I just want to know he's okay."

Brenda squeezed his shoulder gently and looked to the rest of the group," We all do."

Winston, in that moment, looked so guilty that Newt thought he might be sick. He wasn't nice enough to share anymore words though, so he turned back to the window and kept his arms crossed. How was he supposed to know that dating an addict meant there was a chance you'd lose them to the drugs? He never really thought it. He'd always thought Thomas was stronger, and when they were together everything seemed so perfect. So, why? 

Why had Thomas chosen the drugs over it all?


	28. Dwindling Sanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thank you to Ash and PotatoShank, the comment thread had me hyped lol. Hope y'all enjoy, now that college classes are somewhat dying down I'll be able to write more quickly. 
> 
> Thank you for every single comment and kudos!!! They mean sooooo much

_When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma. What is there left to do? There seems to be this alternative: either go on as best we can to the bitter ends - jails, institutions or death - or find a new way to live._   
_- **Basic Text, pg 84**_

  
Turmoil lifts its calloused hands to obscure the view of the innocent, until they are certain the horizon is nothing but everlasting darkness. Darkness then becomes their only comfort. The light of day is too bright, too foreign to ever reach for the truth. Thomas was certain he would always remain lost, so falling now into the depths of a decaying mind felt right. He pushed a hand through the long strands of his hair, unkempt and half matted where the blood of his wound had dried. Later when he'd insisted he'd run away if taken to a hospital, he cleaned his wound in an Ihop bathroom with Robert's help.

"Kid, I don't understand. You on the run or something?"

Thomas wiped his face with his hand ," I just don't like hospitals."

"Fair enough," Robert said with a sigh," You at least going to let me buy you something to eat? We could use someone's cell like you said, something with the inter web."

Thomas winced as he reached a finger to his head, and after a moment he considered it. He was starving, no doubt about that. His chest kept tightening, and even if he felt like vomiting every so often, he knew food would do him good. He stood up and eyed the man behind him," Why are you doing this? I mean... Why are you helping me?"

Robert crossed his arms," Well, you remind me of myself like I said. Wish someone had reached out to me." He pulled back and moved to hold the door open before offering him up a kind grin," Besides, I'm on a long trip, don't have much to look forward too."

" _Tommy, they're watching you._ "

Thomas slammed a hand to his head, crying out as he half stumbled behind Robert. His hands shook as he started his gaze from the door towards the register. A few oldies sat enjoying each other's company, but what if that's what he was supposed to see?

"I uh-" he took in a sharp breath," They're staring at me."

Robert put a hand to his arm," Hey, no one's staring at you. Look, we'll take a seat in the back. No one will bother us."

His vision was blurred, as if the sudden movement hadn't quite caught up with his brain. It was hard to tell exactly who appeared more dangerous, but he trusted Robert. Maybe it was a mistake, but he was all he had at the moment. Suddenly, he was overcome with the need for Newt's hands; They would keep him steady. Maybe if he could see Newt's face, then everything around him would stop existing, and he could lose time by counting his full lashes and every hue of color in his eyes as he watched over him.

"Thomas?"

He blinked back, startled when he realized his day dreams had become more intense than his own reality. He nodded to show him he wouldn't freak out as he had at the shop, and he could see Robert's shoulders un-tense before gesturing for a booth. A waitress held up a finger for patience, but Thomas wasn't in any rush. 

"I miss him," Thomas said, his thin fingers scratching at something along his neck. Every so often a crawling sensation would linger down his skin, and as much as he picked at it, it only embedded itself deeper.

"Tell me about him."

_In a different time, Thomas had smiled and meant it. He remembered staring off into the night sky, and Newt had pointed out constellations as if they were old friends passing by. Thomas wasn't sure about the stars, merely because he'd been too busy staring at Newt. The only wonders of the moon was the way it illuminated off of sharp cheek bones, and glistened in eyes that held more love and affection than he could fully comprehend._

_"You ever wonder what that world was?" Newt asked," I mean... I don't believe in soulmates or anything, but you know."_

_Thomas chuckled," I know?"_

_"I think if they were real, that you and I would be each other's," the way he looked away, bashful perhaps, was more than Thomas could take._

_He leaned forward to wrap an arm around Newt's shoulders with a smile that could never fully define the joy of such a theory. His fingers moved along his shoulder with a gentle affirmation," It would explain why I fell in love with you so quickly."_

_Newt rolled his eyes playfully," Please, I was pining first."_

_"I pined my entire life for someone I didn't even know," Thomas said, and with such great certainty, that Newt's playfulness dwindled into a genuine awe. His fingers brushed against Thomas' hand as his words escaped into the night," You've given me everything Newt. If that isn't the definition of a soulmate, then fuck-" Thomas looked off towards the world that encompassed their beings. "I don't know what is."_

_Newt followed his gaze, a smile caressing the beauty of his face," You are romantic when you wish to be."_

_Thomas missed they way Newt looked at him, as if there was anything good left in his rotting soul._

It was mid evening, when families had already tucked in the younger children and the older men had fetched a bottle of wine to hide from the drag of the calling work day ahead. The porch was old fashioned, illuminated by a single hanging lamp that shun on the numbers of the household. Newt sighed with great impatience," Just knock! We don't have any time to waste."

Minho, who was reading over the google maps on Gally's phone, eyed him with a look of warning. He outstretched his hand though and knocked loud enough that one may consider asking themselves if they'd done anything illegal before moving to answer.

"He's not normally this angry," Gally told Winston in a whisper, and Newt wasn't sure who he meant at this point. He couldn't find it in himself to care.

An older man, dark hair brushed back and a beard discolored with strands of gray, answered the door with a raised brow. Minho's eyes widened, but before he could speak the man was pushing forward with a groan," What the hell is this? What do you kids want?"

"I'm a grown ass man," Gally muttered under his breath, and Minho nudged him enough that the man seemed to take notice.

"Minho?" Recognition filtered in the frustrations of having over a crowd of strangers. He pushed back on the peeling paint of the door and took a closer look," Shit, what are you doing here?"

Really, Newt wanted to have met Thomas' father in a different situation, but he'd take this, especially since he'd never actually heard a decent thing about the man. He moved forward and spoke before Minho could," We have reason to believe your son Thomas is here. Now, could you just-"

"Thomas?" The man asked, almost with a chuckle," Here?" He was a skinny man, one that looked as if he'd gone off the rail years ago. He appeared sick, drenched with the scent of cheap booze and cigarette smoke. His thin fingers curled around the door frame," Sorry to break it to you, but I haven't seen him in a good while."

Minho reached over and gently grasped Newt's arm, sending him a look quite similar to a monk who felt a little frustrated despite his overall calling to peace. The blonde heaved a sigh and allowed him to take lead, because apparently Minho knew best. Maybe he did now, knowing the man before he'd ran away to Ohio. "He was headed to see you and we think something happened," Minho explained, and he let Newt go and eyed the rest of the group before venturing his gaze towards the door," Could you just let us in?"

"I doubt he'd be over to see me. You see," The man shrugged a little helplessly," We're not exactly close."

Winston sniffled and hit the side of his head with his hand, mumbling something under his breath that Newt could barely make out as actual words. The frail man stumbled a little, causing them all to turn with a mixture of emotions. The man, Henry he'd learn, raised another questioning brow," What's wrong with him?"

"He has a cold, sir," Minho tried.

"A cold," Brenda repeated in disbelief. When Winston grasped the side of the porches railing, they all seemed to find the same demeanor of defeat.

"Listen," Newt stammered, because this was all quite ridiculous," Thomas might be in trouble! We need to know if he's made contact with you." What if he never made it to Ohio? What if all this travel was for nothing? He couldn't breathe suddenly, the sudden passage of endless thoughts corroding what hope that dwindled. Thomas could be dead- he felt a sudden hand come to his shoulder and he wasn't surprised to see Gally, standing like a soldier, so full of strength and certainty. It was enough for Newt. If one person had hope, then he'd latch on completely.

Minho threw a hand up to the door suddenly, his phone held tightly into his hand. He stared forward at it to read the message, and Newt's entire being felt light.

 _This was real_.

 ** _Frypan_** : _Thomas called me. He found my # on the group's page. He's okay, he'll be getting a room and I think he's calling me back with the address._

Newt stepped back with a relieved gasp, his knees going weak as the entirety of his world fell back into place. Thomas was okay. He was going to see him and everything would be okay. Henry shuffled around with a hand to his pocket as he watched them all drop the tension to their bodies," So uh... You good? I can get back to doing my shit?"

Newt turned to face the man abruptly," You know, I never did understand why it was so important impressing a man like you."

"I don't even know who you are blondie," he griped.

Newt held in a breath, because there were so many things he could tell the man before him. He'd watched Thomas speak of him, had seen himself the image of the man hurting him in the world where they'd met. It had felt so real, so painful. He wanted to tell him that he'd never know anything else about Thomas, that the boy he'd known was stronger than he could have ever realized. Thomas was a fighter, and even if he'd fallen to his poison, he would survive it. He would smile again, and he'd find that peace that so often escaped the people who held such warmth. He wanted to say, that one day, he would be married to his son, and while he was downing alcohol and killing himself, they would be happy. Sometimes though, one couldn't ever say what they wished, not when the person didn't want to hear it. Not when they were so close to saving someone who actually mattered.

"Let's go," Newt said after a moment of silence, and Winston pushed himself off the railing to curl further into the warmth of Thomas' jacket. Without thinking, he pushed a hand out to Winston's arm to steady him along the stairs. The smaller man looked surprised, but he used his weight as they all turned to head towards the van. Minho registered the sigh that left Henry's lips, and he raised a hand as a goodbye.

" One day you're going to really regret not reaching out to him. Thomas is a good man."

Henry shook his head," I know," he said, and that's all that was left. Newt had a second to turn with shock before the man was closing the door to return to his silent death. He wondered suddenly, if the same disease Thomas was stricken with, had began to envelop his father.

Thomas stared off towards the entrance of the parking lot, smoking off a cigarette like his life depended on it. Every drag was slow, as if somehow it would affect the way time swayed, and the pit in his stomach lurched with each passing second. He didn't want to see them. Robert had helped him find his home group, and when he'd seen Frypan's number, he'd almost pretended he hadn't. What was he going to say? I'm sorry? Nothing he told them would fix what he'd broken.

He closed his eyes and a single thought emanated from deep within himself.

_I just need to get high._

He pulled Robert's jacket over his shoulders and lifted his head when the office door clung with it's bell. Robert held up two key cards," One room, okay? I mean, there's two beds. I'm sure when your boyfriend gets here, he'll want to room with you."  
  
Thomas took in a deep breath," Yeah." Because saying anything else would be too hard. 

He could no longer hear his mother's voice, and horrid exhaustion seeped into the depths of his bones. The vicious malevolence of reality broke apart into his veins, and he feared it would only become worse. Everything was pointless. Being there, waiting for his family, felt like waiting for a slow death. He coughed into his hands and threw the cigarette to the cement as Robert moved to offer a hand.

"You'll catch a cold," he said, and Thomas took his hand as aid, stumbling to his feet with a sudden pain that throbbed throughout every muscle he had. Maybe he was dying. Maybe this was it.

"How long?" He asked.

"If they were in Sidney, shouldn't be long now," Robert said, brandishing his keys and pushing them into his jean's pockets. "Come on, we'll get settled and find a coke machine."

Thomas pushed a shaking hand through his hair and followed him towards the motel room, hearing the commotion of one a few doors down. They were clearly drunk, and maybe even high. A man stood beside his door with a corona in hand, lifting his chin in acknowledgement. Robert smiled kindly, though Thomas could see the tension in his body grow as he unlocked the door.

"They have my number right?" Robert set his stuff down on the first bed, and Thomas wrapped his arms around himself with a weak nod. He could see the mirror from the room, bordering a white sink and counter with a coffee machine. It was dim, but he could make out the horrors of his eyes, the way sleep begged to be used.

"Let's see what's on TV." Robert took the remote, changing it to the shitty local news. It didn't have anything interesting, but he didn't really care. He moved towards his bed and kicked off his shoes, lying back against the thin cover of the bed and it's overused pillows. Thomas turned away from the television and stared at the wall with heavy eyelids. If he fell asleep, would he ever wake up?

"Robert," he whispered, tracing the little bumps of the painted over walls.

"What's up?"

"Thank you," he said, and as soon as he did he found himself consumed by darkness.

Winston, halfway into the hour drive, fell asleep on Newt's shoulder. For a moment he considered shrugging him off, but then he looked at him, really looked. He was like Thomas, innocent in sleep and beaten down by what they'd become trapped in. He wondered suddenly, if Winston had anyone to care about him. He looked so small and fragile like this, enough that Newt felt pity change his hard heart. How could he be angry with him for what Thomas had reached for? They'd both suffered, and at least now he knew Thomas was safe.

A sudden soft yawn had his eyes widening, but not more than Winston, who pulled back frantically," I'm so sorry!" He half whispered.

Newt shook his head," No uh, it's okay." He ignored the way Brenda smiled to herself before looking back out the window. He eyed the man and cleared his throat,", You're probably exhausted."

"It's the come down," Winston said whilst rubbing his eyes," Thomas is probably coming down too."

"Yeah, we're pulling in," Minho said on the phone, which had Newt sitting up abruptly. He pushed his hands to the seat and looked around the old motel, feeling his heart begin to race. The parking lot was dead except for a few spots on the outside of the pool. Gally took a place beside the office and looked back to send Newt a look of encouragement. 

"So we don't want to ambush him, alright?" Brenda spoke up, eyeing Minho from the side," You remember what happened last time?"

"Yeah," Minho sighed," he ran away."

This time though, Newt thought that maybe it would be different. Thomas had been months sober, so maybe this was just a slip up. He didn't wait to fuel any doubt in his thoughts, because as soon as he saw the figure hooded up beside a man that had to be Robert, he rushed forward from the van to throw his arms around him in the desolate parking lot. _Tommy_. He'd know his Tommy anywhere.

For a moment he could heard his friends follow, but it was all peaceful silence when he felt Thomas' fingers grasp hard into his shirt. A sharp gasp escaped as Newt fought back tears, desperately holding onto him like he could lose him just as quickly. Thomas, oh so beautiful Thomas, broke down in his arms as he kept whispering over and over," I'm so sorry."

"Shh, my love," Newt whispered back," You're okay now." 

Minho stopped in his tracks and let out a rough breath from half jogging to follow," Shit, way to not ambush."

The voice had Thomas lifting his head with wide eyes, and he viewed everyone in front of him with a mixture of emotions. Shock, pain, longing for the words to speak...Robert seemed surprise too, having not expected five people to come barging out of a van and waiting their turn to hug the boy. Newt pulled back and gasped," What happened to your head?"

"I crashed your car," he said, looking towards Minho with a guilty pang.

"I don't care," Minho pulled him into a hug right after, and soon enough everyone was taking their turns. It lasted for a while because as much as they all felt, sometimes a long hug spoke enough.

Hours passed. They'd all gotten a room for the night, and it had been Newt's idea to get two beds, because he had a feeling as much as Winston seemed uncomfortable, he didn't want to be left alone. It didn't matter then. He was just full of relief that Thomas was there, scratched up and bruised, but alive. They'd ordered a pizza and hung in Robert's room for a bit, hearing the story of everything that had happened in between the phone call. He couldn't even count how many times he'd thanked the man, or how many times Robert had smiled at the group with a kind expression.

"See kid, you've got a whole family that cares about you," Robert said, and Thomas slouched back against the chair as they ate away. He didn't touch his food, or even really look at anyone, but Newt figured he was still run down. He wondered how long he'd even slept before they'd arrived.

"We were worried as fuck," Gally informed, half nudging Thomas with his knee.

"I'm sorry," he said, messing with his palm, digging his fingernails deep. Newt frowned as he looked to him, because even if he was there, they had a lot to fix. He knew that, but he really wanted to enjoy the moment. He just wanted Thomas to smile again, so he lowered a hand to his knee and tried to bring him assurance in a gentle squeeze.

"Me too," Winston said in a whisper, eyeing Newt from the side.

"It's no one's fault," he said in return," we'll get home, and everything will be okay."

Minho bit his lip and he could tell Brenda and him were sharing a silent conversation. It wasn't until they were all trailing to their separate rooms that Newt was stopped by the man. "He needs help, Newt. Like real help."

Thomas was trailing forward along with Winston at his side, and Newt closed his eyes for a moment before letting out a long sigh," I know." But that would be for tomorrow. For tonight, he just wanted to have Thomas at his side. If he could just continue to take care of him, then maybe they wouldn't have to answer all of the questions left unspoken. Certainly helping the man into bed was enough for the night, or tending to Winston who said something about the coldness of the room. Newt turned the heat up and looked towards them with a soft breath. 

"You two need rest. Sleep as late as you'd like, I'll pay for extra hours if need be," he informed, feeling rather odd being the responsible one.

Winston pulled the covers up over his head and let out an echo of a yawn," Yeah," he said," we all need sleep."

Thomas was turned away from them, and it wasn't until the lights went out that Newt moved to lie down beside him. For a moment, an awful lapse of time, he felt unsure of how to act towards him. Was this too much? What would set him off? But then Thomas had turned and pushed his face into his shoulders, and it wasn't until the wetness of his tears made contact with the fabric of his shirt that Newt realized how broken Thomas was. "Wh-" he took in another deep breath as he clung to Newt," Where's my kitty?"

"He's alright," Newt said in a whisper, pushing a hand to pull him closer," Frypan checked on him tonight, and he has plenty of food until we get home."

"Okay," he said. He could hear the sniffle, and the half broken sob as his chest rose with his frantic breaths. Newt felt his own fingers shake as they moved hair back from Thomas' face.

"It's okay, Tommy. I love you so much..." He said into the darkness," everything's going to be okay."

For a while Thomas was silent, but eventually he released his hold on Newt's shirt and spoke in defeat," Nothing will ever be okay, Newt. Nothing." And it hurt so much to hear the words come from him, that he could only tighten his embrace and hope to whatever god was out there, that he took pity on them now. Certainly he had before, but how many second chances did gods really give?

"Tommy," he whispered, but no response came. Thomas was asleep, and for the night, maybe he would find peace.


	29. Oh my love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's any mistakes blame the sorrow of writing this
> 
> Lmao no really, warning of a bit angst ahead.
> 
> Thank you for all the sweet comments. I'd make you guys a pie if I could (I'm shit at baking so you're not missing out)

_There is no hell quite like the hell of watching dope change somebody you love, into somebody you don't know._

_-Unknown_

You see, an addict doesn't pollute their bodies for the sole sake of destroying themselves. Addiction is clever, in way that it screams obscene images of horror and loss, until you've become so desperate for silence that you willingly take it from the same hand of your abuser. It's a vicious cycle. You either die in it's grasp, or you get sober. There is no other option.

Thomas curled a hand into the sheets and blinked back the light of the lamp looking over the two worn out mattresses. It smelled of bitter coffee, and it wasn't until he lifted his head that he realized Winston was already up. He had a styrofoam cup in hand, the other fussing about the remote. Newt wasn't anywhere to be seen, but he figured he was sneaking off for a decent bottle of tea at the gas station across the motel. He stretched and stifled a soft groan when his back cracked and tensed at the sudden movement.

"You feeling okay?" Winston asked, turning in his chair to look over him with concern. His hair was wet, and he was still tucked in to Thomas' jacket. He never did ask how he'd managed to get it, but he figured that was the last thing he needed to worry about having forgotten.

Thomas felt his head, partially where his wound had lowered it's swelling despite the constant throbbing to say otherwise. He managed to sit up and was thrown off guard when a coughing fit had him doubling over. He raised a hand to ward off any worry, and lifted himself back into a straight position," I'm fine." Shit, his throat wasn't. He felt liked he'd swallowed sand paper and downed lava as an aid. "When we get back..."

Winston put his coffee cup on the timid desk before moving to sit at his side, quite like a dog with the loyalty. "Yeah?"

"Can you get a hold of your guy?"

Winston's brows scrunched together as a frown took over the thinness of his lips. His thumbs moved together frantically, and the words that followed were faint," Thomas..." His dark eyes widened with despondency," I don't think that's a good idea."

For a moment, Thomas tried to decipher what in the hell that even meant. He nudged Winston's knee as a silent demand to see his gaze, one that was answered just as quickly," Did something happen with him?"

And another melancholy look, almost bleeding into the state of fear, had Thomas really wondering what the hell he'd done the past few days. Had he hurt their dealer? He remembered going over there, but everything else after was too much of a blur. He wasn't sure if it was how high he'd gotten or reminisce of the car crash. Winston moved a hand to the zipper of his jacket, his gaze caressing the stains of the curtains," I don't think I want to get high anymore."

Thomas was taken aback." What?"

"I mean it..." It came out as a plead, and Winston closed his eyes for a moment as he spoke," I can't. I- I just can't do it anymore."

This wasn't right. They'd always been in it together, and without Winston he didn't have any connections. He tried to not freak out about it by using humor, even despite the uncertainty that followed," When have you ever not used?"

If Winston left him, then who would be left? No one else understood his pain, not to the depths that Winston could reach. For so many years he'd counted on what they had, and now he wanted out?

 _He had to be joking_.

"I don't want to die like this," Winston continued and he choked on air before he settled himself. His eyes opened, and he turned to face Thomas with an expression full of mirrored turmoil. "I want to be happy. You were different when you weren't using. Maybe I can be different too."

Thomas shook his head," No... Winston. We're not going to die, okay?" He reached forward to squeeze his hand and saw the way it made Winston tense. It always did, though often times he'd lean in for more.

"I made up my mind."

The safety of darkness, his strong shield, was being shattered right before him. He could hear the thoughts, the fears of his addiction throwing around the most vicious words. What ifs, became certain death, one he would not willingly allow. He pressed forward, close enough to share his breath," What if I give you what you want? If you stay with me, I- I'll do anything, Winst."

"Thomas-"

He pushed his lips into Winston's, desperately hoping to prove how much they needed to continue. It was met with a soft gasp, and sudden obedience in the movement of their embrace. It lasted only a moment before Winston was pulling away, a hand coming to cover his mouth in shock. The door opened then with a click, and Newt set down his bag of breakfast before eyeing them with a raised brow. " Is everything alright?"

Winston stood up, a wet glaze over the wide darkness of his eyes. "I uh... need to take a shower before we leave."

Winston rushed forward to the bathroom without another word, and Newt took a moment to consider the situation before leaning back against the desk holding their food. He crossed his arms and gestured with his head towards the door," Is he alright then?"

Thomas sighed and dropped his hand to his knee," Yeah, he's fine. We're both fine." In all honesty, he was too close to losing it and they hadn't even made it home. There had to be a way to fix this before it was too late. Winston wouldn't make it out in the real world, not without their drug. He didn't even notice, being so deep in thought, when Newt moved to stand before him. His hands reached to touch Thomas' shoulders, and he tried his best to force a smile. "You worry too much."

Newt sent him a scowl," Well I'd say the situation rather calls for it, love."

"I'm..." Thomas took in a deep breath," fine."

"You're not," Newt said, and he let his fingers slip along the nape of his neck," I can't ignore the truth anymore." Thomas could almost enjoy the way it felt to have his hair parted so gently, but he was in so much pain that it was hard to focus on anything else. He eventually made a movement to reach Newt's gaze, and found it was too full of affection, of hope. "I love you, Tommy and I believe in you. I believe that you can get better."

Thomas pushed down the emotions he was too afraid to feel, and lifted his chin for a brief kiss. He wasn't sure how he looked, but he saw the sudden loss in Newt's expression when he stood abruptly," I'm going to go say goodbye to Robert." Newt watched him leave, just as Gally passed by and moved to give him room at the door.

"Where's he going?"

Newt bit his lip and tried to keep his composure, even if he felt completely defeated. "Saying goodbye to Robert... I think he's avoiding being alone with me. He's..."

"He's coming down on hard shit," Gally reminded," which is not your fault." He shoved a hand into the bag of food and pulled out a heated biscuit, quite determined to stuff his face. At least someone was going to eat it. "He'll be fine in a few days. Minho's looking at some programs right now, maybe some outpatient system."

Newt pursed his lips," You know, when we first met... It feels like it all over again. The past weeks, I should have noticed how different he was acting. I kept lying to myself, thinking maybe it was just stress." He tried not to lose it then, because it was all so damn much to take in. "He doesn't look at me like before. At least last night I could feel him, and now it's just-"

"Newt," Gally said, and he shoved his biscuit onto the desk and moved forward to grasp his friend's shoulder," It will get better. You have to believe that."

Newt trembled under his touch," What if it doesn't? What if this Thomas is the one that stays? It's like we're losing him..."

It was like watching him die, except he still walked around. A walking corpse... He closed his eyes and fought back tears, and Gally pushed himself forward to hold him close. He kept repeating those words. That everything would be fine... And he had to believe it, because if he stopped believing, he feared he'd really lose Thomas.

The ride home was quiet. Winston stuffed himself in the back beside Thomas, who would occasionally look to his side at Newt with unreadable eyes. It just wasn't the same. He felt there were so many words they weren't sharing, like some boundary had been shaped in steel, and Newt wasn't sure if he'd ever break it alone. He bit the inside of his lip to the point he could taste his own blood, and for a fraction of a moment he had an ember of peace.

Winston had shoved Thomas' jacket to the side, and made a point to not stare directly at anyone. Even Gally, the usual talk of the party, had nothing left to say as he drove down the highway back home. When they stopped at a small gas station, Thomas immediately pushed forward to get out of the car for a smoke. He lit his cigarette and Newt took his chance then.

"How do you feel now?" He asked.

"Like I'm tired of people asking me how I feel," Thomas muttered under his breath. He turned away to see the rest of the group making their way into the store. Winston followed behind for a few steps, arms wrapped around himself to shield from the cold.

"Well," Newt said, anger tinting his actual concern," You stole Minho's car and crashed it. You lied to us, to me about getting high again and then disappeared for days. You wonder why we keep asking? You put us through hell, Thomas. I couldn't sleep or eat... And it's almost like you don't care."

"If I didn't get care I wouldn't have called," he said matching his tone," I considered it. I considered running off, but here I am. I get it, I made shitty decisions, but if you all could give me one damn moment of peace-"

"Who are you?" Newt asked, and he took in a sharp breath," Never mind. We're all tired. I get it." He didn't try to fix anything else before walking towards the store alone. Thomas was just healing, and still fighting what was in his body. It would all be better when they got home.

_Except it wasn't._

Being home was different. Thomas would often stay in the room, half cuddled with his kitten who refused to leave his sight. Newt would try to work beside him, but he didn't feel welcome. Funny, wasn't it? How his boyfriend felt like a stranger. In the midst of the night, sometimes he'd move closer to feel his warmth, and Thomas would wrap an arm around his waist like before. In those moments he could pretend that everything was back to normal, but then they'd wake up and Thomas would be so angry at everything. It was hard not to fall into an argument, especially when Thomas willingly moved for one. 

The stress was killing him, the back and forth, the walking on egg shells. It was enough that one morning he spent staring in the mirror with his razor blade, and eventually it's rough embrace parted open his skin to leave a trail of crimson down his wrist. He cried out as he watched it glisten in the light and Thomas stopped at the bathroom door with a steady gaze.

"I-" Newt let out a rough breath," thought you were in bed."

Thomas stepped forward into his space and took his wrist in his grasp," Guess I'm not the only one who has trouble with relapses." He pressed his lips against his skin, and slowly trailed his tongue up the seeping wound. Newt pulled back, but he found he didn't have much strength.

"Is it weird when I do it?" Thomas asked, his breath hot against his skin. Newt wasn't even sure how he was supposed to feel, but his eyes widened in awe as he watched Thomas lick his lips. It wasn't meant to turn him on, that he was certain of- And yet, as Thomas dropped his hand, he had to stifle a soft noise.

"Guess not," Thomas said, and he turned to head out the door, leaving Newt in a fit of longing and confliction.

Later in the week, Frypan stopped by to check in on him. Newt answered the door and sighed in relief," You've no idea how much he needs this. I've gone mad like I'm babysitting a child." He knew as humorous as that sounded, how awful it had been chasing Thomas to places he couldn't find. Frypan, kind as he was, smiled gently and put a hand to Newt's shoulder.

"It's no problem. I've been worried too."

Simba trailed down the hall, a little bigger than he'd been when they'd first gotten him, his paws still oversized for his body. He meowed up at Frypan, who offered him a soft pet to the head," Look at you, beautiful boy. Where's your dad?"

Thomas stumbled forward to the table in the dining room, shuffling his feet until he got comfortable. His hand pressed up under his chin with glazed eyes," Yes.... I am right here." He coughed into his sleeve and slowly lowered his head to the napkin set out beside a glass of water.

"Is he high?" Fry asked.

Newt's eyes widened," What?! No, he hasn't left the house."

Thomas bit back a chuckle as he lifted his head," I took your medicine, in the uh-" he pointed back towards the hallway," in your drawer. You think you'd be better at hiding it."

"You took my medication?!" Newt slammed a hand down to the table with an incredulous gaze. The noise had Thomas wincing and moving his head further up against the table, dangerously close to tipping his glass. When he lifted his head, Newt could see the small tinge of a smile, one that was really beginning to piss him off for a long, endless list of reasons.

"Thomas," Fry started, situating himself in the seat across from him," Do you see what this is doing to you?"

Thomas wasn't a cruel man. Being home though, had just been different. He smiled with a teasing nature, one that did not border on the playful affection he once held. His eyes conveyed no emotion when they spoke over half a meal, or when Newt tried staying in bed to whisper hopeful words. He wanted to grab Thomas by the shoulders and shake him out of this- whatever this was, but nothing worked. Nothing he said or meant to Thomas changed a single thing.

"Fry, Fry, Fry," Thomas said with a widening grin," You all are really getting on my damn nerves."

Newt looked away suddenly, because he had nothing left to say. He cleared his throat and fought back the tears before excusing himself with a weak voice. He couldn't stand being there, even if he wasn't surprised by any of it. One could only wait so long before they broke, but standing in his room, their room- Newt decided he would not be someone to give up so easily. He loved Thomas, and that meant standing in the darkness as much as the light called for him. He wouldn't feel the peace until he was certain Thomas was at his side.

Winston raised his shaking hand and sputtered our the words he never thought he'd willingly say," I-I'm Winston and I'm an addict." And just as quickly, he receded back into his jacket and pulled his knees up to his chest. He was the only newcomer introducing himself, so all eyes moved towards him. It was nearly unbearable. His entire face turned a dark red, and for a moment he thought about running. And then... something odd happened-

Kind smiles without judgement, soft voices welcoming him forward, telling him he was strong, telling him to keep coming back. He nearly broke down into tears, but he nodded instead and tried to level his breathing. They were so full of warmth, these addicts just like him, how did they do it?

"I remember being so fucked up, that I thought putting a gun to my head would fix things. You know, it's not about the drugs. We don't want to die, we just want something gone, that pain-" a larger man with a thick beard leaned forward as he was sharing," We stop living, and for so long I thought all that was left was to suffer. It didn't matter how many cars I had, my beautiful wife or my kid, none of that shit. I was a prisoner who was hurting the people I love everytime I went and stuck a needle in my arm. This program, you all fucking gave me the rope to climb back up to safety. Now I'm alive, and I don't ever need to get high to feel it. So..." He pursed his lips," Thanks for letting me share. Newcomer, you keep coming back and you won't ever have to use again."

Winston's eyes widened in awe. He never had to get high again. What did that even mean? To live like them, to be free and happy, unbruised by society further... He wanted it. He wanted it more than he'd ever wanted anything.

It's why after the meeting, he strayed a little longer around the crowd that smoked off some cigarettes after their group parting. He liked the little prayer.

_God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference._

It was posted up on the white board too, and he took his time trying to analyze the meaning behind it. When he moved outside to the garden, he noticed a few different men laughing about something involving their children. He lowered his head and waited along the corner of the building, just as a man his age stepped up to offer him a cigarette. He was beautiful, dark skinned with warm eyes that enveloped him completely. His jaw line was sharp, but he still had a hint of youthful features as he gestured towards his offered gift. Winston only had a moment to stutter a reply in his own head before he reached for the cigarette with a forced smile.

"Thanks," he mumbled.

"Winston, right?" The man leaned forward to light it for him, and he took in the sudden smoke as a way to ease his nerves. 

"Yeah," he said, trying to avert his gaze. He didn't speak to people, not like he did Thomas or his grandma, who he really wished was there now. Either of them. They were his only family.

"It's okay to be nervous," the man said," I'm Jeff. Or uh, Jeffrey, whichever works. You want my number?"

Winston's eyes widened, because what?

"You know, in case you need someone to talk too. It's hard doing this alone, and I really don't mind talking. You just, kind of remind me of myself," Jeff scratched the back of his head and bit his lip," I'm sorry if that seemed really forward. I wasn't hitting on you, I mean- I would because you're handsome, but that's not what this is!" Now it was his turn to look a bit nervous," I mean... Wow, I meant to do the whole build a support group to stay clean. I am- rambling."

Winston, who had completely forgotten about his cigarette threw his free hand up to cover the sudden chuckle that escaped his lips. He couldn't remember the last time he'd genuinely laughed, and it had him letting out the rough breath he'd been holding while Jeff watched with a hesitant gaze. "I could take your number," he said, feelings his cheeks warm.

Of all the people that Newt really could have went with not seeing again, Alby was the first on the list. He'd left Frypan alone with Thomas so he could do some grocery shopping, which by the way, was on the complete opposite side of town from where his ex even lived. He had been reaching for a box of cereal when he'd noticed the man standing beside him, quite nicely dressed for a simple errand run. He jumped, half startled but more annoyed when he finally realized who it was. "What in the hell are you doing here?" He demanded," Are you following me?"

"No," Alby said, shrugging," I mean, your snapchat gps is on."

"Unbelievable!" Newt threw his box into the cart and tried to not follow the impulse to ram it right into Alby's leg. His fingers clenched against the handle as he swayed away from him instead. "You need to stop acting like we were ever in a real relationship. It was sex, Alby. I don't want or need it from you ever again."

Alby kept up with him quite easily," Maybe it wasn't just sex to me."

Newt stopped at the end of the isle, where an old woman's eyes widened at the outspoken words. She grabbed a bottle of syrup and rushed towards her waiting husband on the other side of the juice section with horror all over her face. Great, he was startling the elderly now.

"That's quite funny," Newt said with a bitter tone," but it doesn't really matter anymore. I'm with Tommy."

"I heard the rumors," he informed.

Alby was wearing that special cologne, and his shirt was nicely pressed along with the new watch that sat along his wrist. He clearly had a game plan, but Newt was more frustrated than impressed. He reached for Thomas' favorite pop tarts and was once again overtaken by an immense sadness. They hadn't broken up, but it certainly felt like they had.

"He's fine."

"Newt, I'll stop dealing," Alby's hand came to stop the cart from moving, even as Newt tried pushing it out of his grip," Listen, I'll stop it all, just for you. That's how much I want you."

"Alby," Newt's eyes darkened," Let go of my damn cart."

Alby looked into his eyes, and he must have seen something that spoke volumes of his new determination. Before, he'd been all too willing to obey the man, but meeting Thomas had revealed his own strength. He'd learned to fall for someone and still keep himself whole, and he'd never go back on that. "Can you at least call me sometime? So we can talk?"

"There's nothing left to talk about," Newt said.

Thomas had heard it all. His sponsor, was basically a man who continued to forget that he was not in fact his father. He was tired of the questions, of having to think of half bullshit answers while the little buzz he got off anxiety meds did nothing to fill the emptiness. It was all too much. He reached for the glass of water and chugged it like one of the top shelf wines Winston's grandma used to collect from her departed husband.

"Can we please stop talking?" Thomas asked," I'm getting annoyed."

"Oh? You're annoyed? How about everyone that loves you? You ever think what this is doing to them?" Frypan was certainly not as patient as Thomas had first given him credit for.

Thomas threw his face into his hands with an audible sigh," I don't know. I don't know anything, okay?" He lifted his head and for a moment, he could not hide the sudden desperation that overtook him. "You know what it's like, Fry. Being sober... Everything fucking hurts. I can barely breathe when I wake up, and you keep telling me it'll get better, but it doesn't. It goes away and then it comes back. Over and over, why in the hell would I want to quit the one thing that takes it away?"

Frypan shook his head," Because you'll die. Jails, institutions and death, Thomas. Those are your choices as long as you keep going like this."

It was silent, and then," I think dying wouldn't be too bad right now."

A death wish, one that would begin a certain path one could not walk away from. It happened that night. Newt was collecting ingredients for dinner, and Thomas followed behind to brush his hands against his waist," I love you," he said, and like a man taking his last breath, he kissed his goodbyes deep into the side of his head. "I just need you to let me do this."

Newt turned to face him, his eyes full of uncertainty," Do what, Tommy?" His fingers caressed the side of his cheek, and he could see the way they trembled. He hated it. As angry as he was at everything, every word he released in frustration towards his lover came back a thousands times over in the manifestation of guilt.

"I'm going out," he said.

"No," Newt whispered," No you're not." It was a plead, one that Thomas felt in every particle that made up his body.

"You can't keep me here... Like a prisoner," he said, and he ignored the way his kitten brushed up against both their legs.

"A prisoner," Newt repeated," You think I like this? You think I want to force you home just so I know you're okay?"

Thomas couldn't do this. He couldn't keep Newt restrained by his worries, because he knew how much pain he was causing. His entire existence was causing everyone he loved pain. If he wanted to use, he couldn't let them care anymore. He took in a sharp breath and pushed himself back, trying keep his own emotions from surfacing," This... this isn't working. I think we were really good together, but I think maybe it's time we call it quits."

Newt's entire face went void of emotion, until he spoke, and it was so full of fear that it hurt," Quits? Wh-" he shook his head," No, you don't meant any of that. You're just using this to get me off your back. You just said you love me-"

"I do," Thomas said," but I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be here, and you really don't want me here like this. I think it's easier just leaving."

"Easier?!" Newt fought back tears as he gripped hard onto the counter," What part of this is easy?"

If he lost Newt, then the only thing he had to worry about was his drugs. He could fall, and maybe he'd disappear long enough that he'd forget completely. He had to hurt Newt now, because later it would only be worse. "You're not thinking straight. Remember, Thomas, don't you remember who you are? Us? We're happy. We were so happy..."

"I'm sorry," Thomas started.

"No!" Newt stepped back from the hand he'd raised to cup his cheek," You're choosing the drugs over me. That's what this is. You really have no desire to quit, you'll just throw everything away to go off and get yourself killed!" His eyes widened," Tommy, please. I'm begging you, let's talk about this. You don't have to go back."

Thomas stared forward for a long time, and he took in a deep breath to steady himself. It didn't help. 

"Newt," he whispered, and he moved forward to crush him into his arms. It was an embrace that had the blonde going weak in his knees, his fingers grasping desperately in Thomas' shirt. He wanted to stay like this forever, to get better, to be happy... But things like that, they weren't really possible for men like him. He squeezed Newt gently and parted with wet eyes," I'm sorry, but I have to go."


	30. All is Well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEX.
> 
> Now that I've caught your attention, thank you for taking the time to read another chapter. Also there's actual sex in the upcoming chap (brief scene) but it includes Brenda and the boys so I'm leaving a warning there. Oh and maybe another unrelated blow job
> 
> Oh and uh, not sure how many chapters are left. Definitely more than three.
> 
> Other than that, your guess is as good as mine.
> 
> (Tempted to make this long long and also don't want to ruin the fanfic so I'ma let the characters write themselves)

_Sometimes we motivate ourselves by thinking of what we want to become._   
  
_Sometimes we motivate ourselves by thinking about who we don't ever want to be again._

_- **Shane Nemeyer**_

  
"I'll be good to you," Winston whispered, his fingers caressing the cold hands of his dear grandmother. She had been resting for a while, though this was the first time he'd been to the hospital to see her. As soon as he'd walked in and seen the devices, hooking her up like some sort of puppet, he'd broken down beside her. "I cleaned up the house and I got rid of the dog. I know you hate the dog, and I made sure I found a good home. I'll even stop stealing-" he bit back more tears as he spoke his sins," I stopped using the drugs. I'll work better, I'll be a better grandson."

He wiped his face clean of his tears and grabbed a little firmer to her hand, dark blue veins pulsing under the skin. "I'm so sorry... I never meant to hurt you."

He'd become a dictator in their home, the same one that had taken him off the streets. She'd been the woman to clean his wounds after a rough fight, the loving grandmother to hold him as he begged for death to take him. She forgave and forgave everything he'd done, just like that. He never deserved it.

"Honey," she whispered, a hoarse tone to her voice," I love you more than anything. I knew you'd come back to me angel."

"I'll make this right," Winston said. "I'll pay everything I owe, and I'll even-"

"No, Winston," she whispered," Just take care of yourself. Everything else... We'll figure it out on the way."

He leaned down to kiss her hand with great affection. Even after all this time, she still had hope for him. It was enough to convince himself that he really could do it. The idea in itself was insane. He'd used since he was a teen, slept around with plenty of people just to get a little bump, started fights in order to have adrenaline pumping into his veins when he couldn't find his DOC. Despite the overall odds, people were telling him he could do it, that it was worth trying.

_Just for today, I'll keep believing in the people who believe in me._

Gally's lips parted in a soft gasp, his fingers clenching around the sheets thrown around as he was parted further to take Minho in. He was big, like the kind you admired but didn't actually ever plan to take for the sake of your body's health. Gally, as adventurous as he was, often considered asking to be the set top, but his current position did have some positive benefits. For one, when the pain ceased and became the sharp tug of pleasure, he could finally dwell on the open thighs before his lips. Brenda would pull on his hair gently, and she'd make those sinful noises as his tongue reached the most delicate of places. Minho would take him by surprise half way, slamming back into him like a man who only had moments left to live.

Be fucked like a toy while pleasuring a queen. What better way was there to go?

He stifled a moan that followed when his walls clenched around the thick member penetrating every part of him without mercy. He had to lift his head for air, and Brenda smirked down at him just as a phone rang on the dresser.

"Ignore it," Gally demanded. Before they could protest, he lifted himself up over Brenda's body," You ready?"

She let out a soft gasp as his head pushed further between her thighs, just as Minho turned to look at the dresser," It's probably Newt."

"Hey babe, give us like fifteen good minutes and we'll worry about it later," Gally actually had a moment to smile at him, hoping it revealed the true annoyance he held for not immediately continuing their activity.

Brenda raised her head a little with a raised brow," You definitely won't need fifteen minutes."

And that, well that one hurt.

Newt tossed his phone to the side where he sat on the floor, each breath a rasping shot that tightened his chest further. He hadn't been able to move from the room since Thomas had left, an unrelenting force penetrating every muscle as it fed on his weakness. He was weak. He couldn't manage his own life, couldn't keep his boyfriend safe, couldn't- he bit back tears that evaded anyways. Of course they did. It's all he could do, cry into the emptiness of his room as he imagined the horrors Thomas would soon face.  
  
Why couldn't he have kept him there? Tried a little harder, spoken a little louder... Maybe if he weren't such a mess, then Thomas would still be there with him. Thomas would love him enough to fight. "Shit," he gasped, an ugly cry of defeat in the barren reality that stripped what remained of others.

"Mwaur." A furball of fire crept towards him, his head pressing along Newt's knee before he crawled further into his lap. For some reason, the soft approach had Newt breaking harder, and he clung to his warmth and whispered gently into his ear," Daddy's coming back. D-Don't worry. He wouldn't ever leave you."

But he had, hadn't he?

Thomas had given up on everything, and there was nothing left to hold him in the present. He would chase his drug, the same way they'd chase the top of the mountain long ago. He wanted to stop crying over men, but Thomas hadn't been like the others. He'd never lied before, or said such awful things about the world that reflected his true perspective. How could he be angry anymore? Thomas hadn't stabbed him in the back, maybe then it would have been easier to understand. Thomas, his loving, silly Thomas, had been taken by a monster that now wore his face and used his voice to destroy. He wasn't angry. He was at loss.

Simba whined at him, and he looked down to see two green orbs staring at him with an intricate show of emotions too human. He bit hard into his lip and held him gently to his chest," I'm sorry. I-I'm so sorry."

Thomas snorted another line off the wooden coffee table that was littered with bongs and stashes of magazines with some woman's breasts front line. He threw his head back and let out a breath of euphoric tales, just as a woman, Kaitlyn- _he thinks_ , pushed a hand into his shirt," You're cute, like a little puppy." She leaned forward and nipped at his ear, and for some reason his body was all for it. 

"I'm a gay puppy."

"You sure?" She asked, rubbing her hand down the hard tint of his jeans.

Thomas turned his head, and sure, he had definitely crashed some random party by the abandos, but they didn't seem to mind. Blonde strands of hair fell past her shoulders, and his fingers moved to run through them with ease," I mean, you could always play around a little. Maybe it'll be nice."

She looked around the room, where someone was practically passed out with their ass hanging from their skirt. A man in the corner was near fucking a chic who clung to the walls, and Thomas barely had time to register the sudden movement on the couch when he felt the zipper of his jeans being pushed down. He hitched his hips in surprise, Kaitlyn- _maybe Katherine-_ unbuttoned the fabric whilst biting her lip. 

"Just close your eyes if it gets to you," she said," You can pretend I'm a man about to bend you over." Thomas raised a brow at this, but suddenly her hands were pulling his member free. She had the same size hands as Newt, delicate and smooth fingers, running up and down his shaft with precision. His own hand tightened in the side of the couch just as she leaned down to lick a long stride along his leaking head.

He winced when she went down, and every so often as she began her work, he would feel the sudden scrape of teeth. His hand fumbled for his phone, and maybe she thought he was taking a picture, but she didn't say anything. In fear his working parts would cease halfway and leave her disappointed, he lowered his gaze to a picture of Newt and imagined it was his lips down on him instead.

Part of him, for a fucked moment, considered how it would be if Newt was a user too. Maybe then, they wouldn't have to be apart.

Gally slammed the door shut, already half out of his jacket when he turned to face Newt, who was sitting along the sofa with his knees to his chest. He held up the bag of liquor and treaded forth into the unknown,” I uh, came as soon as I could. You said tequila, right? I didn’t really read the text, because I got to it so late-” 

“I said vodka, but it will do,” he murmured weak. 

“Newt?” Gally set the bag down on the table, his brows furrowing when he realized something was different. Well, for one, Newt didn’t normally shoot him an emergency text for liquor, and... Thomas was kind of supposed to be sober. 

Newt pushed himself up to grab the tequila from the bag and opened the bottle, and just as Gally was about to offer to find shot glasses, he took a long swig much to his friend’s horror. Newt coughed into his sleeve after he set the drink back down with a little stumble to his movement. "He left this morning. Can you believe it?" Newt grabbed the bottle, and Gally slowly edged his way closer to sit beside him, half reaching for the tequila. "I've been broken up with for something that will kill him. What does that say for me? Hilarious, really-" he downed another shot, clearly wincing when the burn evaded further down his throat.

"Newt... Come on, drinking isn't going to solve anything," Gally went for it again, but Newt held the liquor to his chest with a deep scowl etched into his features.

"Did you not just hear me?" He demanded," Thomas _left_ me. Gone. Nothing. We are completely and irreversibly fucked out of a relationship. And the thing is, I can't even be sad about it, because I'm terrified he's going to get hurt."

Gally's jaw clenched, and for a moment he had to consider his options. Had he expected this? Yes, but that didn't make it any damn easier. He'd hoped Thomas had gotten his head out of his ass long enough to realize the mistakes he was making. He reached forward to squeeze Newt's knee, and when his friend lifted his head, red bordering the tragedy of his eyes, he decided to let him have that drink.

No one was allowed to hurt his best friend. Or make him worry like this, make everyone worry...

While Newt continuously grew more drunk through the night, sometimes laughing about the way it used to be easy, other times crying into his shoulder- Gally hatched a plan. It wasn't good. Hell, it wasn't even decent, but it was a plan.

He was going to make this right.

"Don't worry Newt," Gally brushed hair back from his face and slowly twisted the tequila bottle from his fingers as his friend stirred in the midst of drunk murmurs," I'll either end up in jail or come back with Thomas. Scouts honor."

Newt pushed his face into the couch and groaned," You were never a scout."

On the way home, crisp air danced along the car's window as the heater pushed forward with a little hum to ease the effect of the outside world. When Winston had stepped outside, he had to stand in the middle of the parking lot to admire the first snowflake fall, like a promise from the angels. Jeff had smiled wide and held a hand out, just as a gust of wind spread the tiny sculptures of ice around the lot. "Its beautiful," Winston had said, because as much as he'd witnessed snow, he'd always been stuck in it, alone and out of his mind. He'd never just looked to see the intricate little designs that disappeared as they kissed his skin.

He smiled at the continued storm, enjoying the way the car smelt of fresh pine and the lingering touch of Jeff's cologne. Jeff was a little strange. He didn't hide what he was thinking, or even think twice about driving a stranger to the hospital to see his grandmother. He couldn't think of a single person that would do that for him. Not one. 

And then it hit him. Of course.

_He just wants to fuck me._

Winston tensed in his seat as they pulled up to his place. His hands were sweating, and he rubbed them along his pants as he stared forward," Thank you for driving me," he said, and he bit his lip as he imagined what it might be like. Jeff was attractive, but everyone that had reigned a gentle touch usually took it out on him in the bedroom. It's just how people were. A vast contrast to their beings, stolen touches and forced euphoric falls... He didn't expect any different.

"It's really no problem," Jeff said," Everyone at the program, we're like family. We help each other out."

Winston messed with the buckle of his belt," Can you just-" he took in a deep breath," can you be easy?"

Jeff turned to look at him with furrowed brows, and something in Winston's features must have given his fear away. The man's eyes widened," Winston... Do you think I'm trying to do something?"

"Aren't you?" He asked," You drove me home. You've been nice to me..."

Jeff shook his head as he reached to turn the car off, nowhere on his face did he find what he'd been expecting. It was weird. Winston didn't like not knowing. "I don't want anything from you," he informed," at least not like that. I mean, sure the thought is really tempting, but I feel like we could definitely get to know each other. I don't even know what kind of food you like, or if you're into flowers- or if you listen to rock or country."

Winston frowned," I hate country."

"See," Jeff smiled wide," I have things to learn."

"No one's ever wanted to know me." Winston was more than nervous now, for an entirely different reason. He turned to look towards the window, but felt a sudden hand to his shoulder. When he fixated his gaze on the man beside him, he found a warmth directed at him that could outstand any storm.

"The most important thing is this right here," Jeff lowered to the white key tag in the cup holder, the one Winston had stood to take with legs heavier than they'd ever been. He gently held it out to him, and Winston took it with red tinting his cheeks. "You did what a lot of addicts still don't have the strength to do, and that means everything. If I get to know you more through the process of you working for more of those tags, then I'm all for it; but I'm not pushing you into anything else. You are more important than a quickie, Winston. Let the entire world know that, and you'll complete wonders."

Winston's eyes widened, and for a brief moment he couldn't really process any of his words. He moved forward past the belt and hugged him, maybe to thank him again or maybe just for the innocence of warmth. "I'll see you tomorrow at the noon?" He pulled away to look up at the man, who smiled wide in agreement.

"Perfect. It's game night, so we can stay a little longer and play dominos or something."

Winston tried to hide his sudden anticipation by opening his side of the car. Jeff looked as if he wanted to follow, but he gave him a small wave as parting and muttered another thank you before disappearing up the porch steps. Jeff didn't leave right away. He pushed his head up against the steering wheel and let out a rushed breath," You have to stop trying to jump out of my chest," he muttered to his racing heart.

Just as he was prepared to leave, another car pulled up just beside him. He rolled down his window and froze," Aren't you the guy who spilled chili during our cook out?"

Gally stuck his head out with a frown," Okay, I mess up one time and suddenly I'm not allowed to a Narcotic Anonymous gathering. Wait-" he pushed himself through the window to get a better look at the situation," What the hell are you doing at Winston's?"

"We just got back from a meeting," Jeff said and he really wanted to push for more answers, but he wasn't going to be nosey about Winston's life. He respected him. Even if this rather loud man seemed to want something with him. 

"Cool," Gally slammed his car door shut," I'll let him know you're sitting in front of his house. I'm sure he'll feel super safe."

"I was just leaving," Jeff said, and he matched the same forced grin before revving up his engine. He made a mental note to text Winston later to see if he was okay. It's not that he didn't trust his judgement, but Gally was king of the guy that seemed to always get his way.

Gally, on the other hand, couldn't be bothered by his presence. He saw the lights flicker on before they moved with the car towards the main road of the neighborhood, just as he got to the door to knock with impatience. Winston answered almost immediately, not even having undressed from his jacket.

"Hey, we need to talk," Gally said.

"Um..."

"Thomas," he leaned forward against the door frame," he's gone. I need you to show me where he'd go, like pronto."

Winston took a step back and Gally half expected the big ass dog to come at him like it'd done when he'd first been over trying to find Thomas. "I can't. If Thomas is off doing those things... I can't be around it. I can't go back."

"What? Excuse me?"

Winston cowered back at the sudden tone, and he brought up his hand to show off his white key tag like it was a cross in the face of the devil," See. I can't. I don't want to mess up, and I know that's how Thomas messed up. Maybe I can give you directions? I know a few places he ends up going after he's gotten high."

Gally pushed his head against the door frame with a defeated sigh," The one damn time you want to stop using-" he tried to not sound as annoyed as he was, mostly because he knew it wasn't the guy's fault. This time, anyways. "Fine, write the addresses down or something, but if I get murdered on some street where deals go down, my lawyers will parade around this entire damn neighborhood."

And really, it had been a half threat. Gally didn't like their side of town, just as much as people wearing masks in banks felt- they stuck out like a sore thumb. Later, when he'd crossed off two places, one in which wasn't an actual house, but a timid abandoned gas station, he found himself in front of a place he'd only heard Thomas speak about. This had been his home.

He looked down at the units where numbers left scars printed on the darkness of the brick. #23. It was one of the farthest down the street, where windows where boarded up and glass still littered the ground. The town homes had a few lingering signs of life, music blasting down the corner and a woman's voice erupting into a long angry sentence in spanish. He ignored the discomfort he felt, the fear that he'd be mugged, and headed in between the entrances to examine the state of the doors. They were unlocked, and beaten down by ash and an acidic winter.

Gally pushed Thomas' open and raised his phone with it's flashlight to feel better about walking in without a weapon. Not that he needed one. Right? His eyes widened when he stepped on something hard, crunching it beneath his feet. He lowered his light down and saw the reminisce of a bottle of wine. "I am going to die."

He hadn't even taken a second step when he was being slammed back through the opening of the doorway and onto the harsh texture of cement. He cried out and Thomas pushed his hands to his knees with wide eyes," Shit, I thought you were-" he looked back and forth," Gally? Wait. What the fuck are you doing here?"

Gally hissed as he pushed himself up," Dude, why was that necessary?!"

"I thought you were after me," he said, and he outstretched a hand to help Gally the rest of the way up. His eyes kept raking around the lot, paranoia evident in every little movement," How did you know I'd be here? Did they speak to you?"

"Oh my god, you need help," Gally caught the breath that had been knocked from him and tried to gauge his actual plan. It had sort of only led to him finding Thomas, but he wasn't too sure on how he'd be getting him home. "Get in the car," he pointed off in it's direction," Now!"

"No."

"What?" Gally asked," Did you just tell me no?"

Thomas crossed his arms with a defiant look, pushing his back up against the brick," I'm not a child. If you try to make me go anywhere, you're just going to regret it."

So, Gally grabbed him by the arm- and then a sudden swing erupted like a volcanic eruption, splurging through his jaw to emit a horrid fire. He fell back against the other side of the town homes, a gasp escaping the sudden throbbing of half his face. He lifted his fingers to feel the blood, where his tooth had jabbed right into the sensitive inside of his mouth. "You, bitch," he muttered, and then he was lunging forward to grab Thomas by the collar of his shirt to throw him off the short stairs of the entrance with one prideful and pissed movement.

It happened quite quickly then. Thomas had reached for his shirt just as he fell back, and they ended up struggling for dominance on the ground. When Gally pushed his knee up against his stomach, he nearly growled," Dude I'm trying to he-" Thomas spit into his face, enough of a distraction for his quick turn to allievate the pressure on his torso. Gally elbowed him in the nose, just as quick, and he heard the sudden cry and crack of bone. He had not meant to do that. Thomas wasn't giving him much leeway here.

Thomas turned on his side, blood gushing from the sudden infliction and for a moment- Gally considered holding a hand out to help. They could go home, maybe laugh this off- and then Thomas kneed him in the groin. It was like the avalanche of stars had crashed into Olympus itself, protruding through the sins of the gods, until nothing but their wrath remained. "Why-" he mustered in a gasp," are you so fucking stubborn?!"

Thomas was pushing himself up again to run for it, but Gally lunged forward once more to grab at his leg. The man stumbled half way and did a sharp turn with his body, almost kicking him in the face if he hadn't brought his arm up to block the force. 

The red and blue flashing lights followed a sudden, low siren of demand.

"Fuck-" Thomas said, catching his breath," Look at what you did." 

Newt answered the phone, the awful horrid vibrating monstrous killer of sleep, and let out a faint whisper," I was sleep. I mean with sleep... using sleep."

"I could call you back if this is uh, a bad time?" Ben's voice, now that was odd, he hadn't spoken to him since the party. He sat up and felt the contents of his stomach sway.

"No, no it's not," Newt said, because why not? "I'm a little drunk, maybe. Maybe a lot. Hey, wait, hey Ben."

Ben laughed in the phone, and it was sweet and warm, unlike the world currently surrounding him. "Hey, yep. This is Ben. I was going to see if you wanted to catch a movie, but you sound a little... under the weather."

"Really?" Newt asked, though the slur of sarcasm did him no favors. He cleared his throat and pulled his knees up closer to his chest," Well, I've had a rather off day. Days, really. Everyday. I'm quite..." He couldn't find the word, and then it him. "Sad."

"You need someone to talk too?" The question was right there, out in the open. Part of Newt wasn't even sure why he'd answered, but another part needed to spill every emotion he was trying to run from. He bit his lip, his fingers tightening around his cell.

"I won't judge," Ben continued," Sometimes it's nice having someone to listen, and I'm not exactly doing anything. If you want to talk... No expectations."

Newt looked around the room suddenly, and for a brief moment he wondered where his friend had trailed off too. Had he left? He ignored the tightening of his chest at the thought. Gally had always been there before, but he assumed he'd found other things to do when Newt had passed out. No worries. He swallowed a painful lump in his throat and nodded, despite the fact Ben couldn't see. "I'd like that. To uh, talk that is."

He just needed someone, anyone to take this pain away.


	31. Chapter Title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:. Speaks of past sexual abuse as a minor  
> Not detailed but it does involve it
> 
> Wanted to put that in there if anyone had trouble reading parts, though it isn't in anyway graphic
> 
> ALSO THANK YOU FOR COMMENTING OMG MY HEART. Y'all make me smile like a freaking dork
> 
> (If there's any mistakes I'm blaming 3 redbulls his time)

Thomas stared forward with a glare so vicious, Gally almost feared if he weren't handcuffed that he'd reach forward and strangle him. He pursed his lips, and after a rather horrid bump in the road, he turned to whisper," This wouldn't have been so bad if you hadn't had shit on you." 

They could have gotten free, stopped the little tussle, apologized for being in an abondoned part of the city, and went home. _But no_ , Gally thought, _Thomas just had to take home a party favor._ The officer had given them one look after the pat down, much because Thomas was acting stupid- and immediately thought he'd caught a drug deal gone wrong. His partner, as beautiful as she was, was the one that tightened the cuffs to an obnoxious pressure. Gally should know, Brenda handcuffed him all the time and it never felt like this.  
  
"Shut up," Thomas whispered back," I've been to jail before Gally. This doesn't end well for me."

Gally, who caught the officer's eye in the mirror, turned a little to scoot his way closer to Thomas. "Listen," he said," Don't say shit to anyone. I'll take my call and get my dad's lawyers in. Money talks."

"Hey," officer bad timing muttered," keep quiet back there."

Hand cuff bitch rolled her eyes," Right at the end of the shift. I told you we shouldn't patrol on that side of town if you ever wanted to be done."

The patrol car took a sharp turn, causing Thomas to fall into Gally's side, who was really beginning to question the driving skills of this man."I was going to let them off. Till that one tried to bite me."

Gally's eyes widened with rage, and he leaned to the side to hiss in another whisper, "Why did you try to bite him?"

"This is definitely not my fault," Thomas said, and he spat down into the car. The bleeding had stopped, though a trail still lingered along his lips and parts of his nostril. They didn't waste time trying to clean him up either," You're lucky you didn't break my nose."  
  
"I'm lucky?" Gally asked," I'm the lucky one? You are so fucking insane it's not even funny."

Why had he even gone after this guy? Drugs or not, this guy had been asking for his nose to be broken. The sheer audacity he had, to even imply it was in anyway Gally's fault had him tightening his hands into fists. The cuffs really hurt.

"You're the one who started the fight," Thomas continued after a moment.

"You punched me!" Gally exclaimed.

"Shut up! Both of you, I swear to God." 

The handcuff bitch turned to stare at them through the barrier, and Thomas smirked a little before lifting his chin in acknowledgement. "Going to have do more than that to shut me up, sweetheart."

And then the car was stopped abruptly, sending Thomas and Gally straight into the back of the seat. Thomas groaned in pain, sniffling at the dried blood and sudden throbbing of his entire face. Gally, who pushed his forehead into the seat further, didn't bother whispering his next words," You're my least favorite person right now."

"Ditto."

Newt, once again, did not like coffee. Though being sobered up on the other hand seemed like a good way to go to have a pressing conversation about his current state of mind. He pushed a hand through his hair and tried to find some sort of way to drip the bitter liquid down his throat without gagging. Ben, who'd made the fresh pot, smiled a little fondly," Have you tried putting creamer in it?"

"Creamer?" Newt scrunched his nose up, his brows furrowing to convey the absolute confusion," Look, I'm not certain how you lot drink this, but I highly doubt adding sugar or dairy products will make up for the lack of smooth quality. Besides, I've had a nap... I almost feel right."

Ben leaned forward with his hands clasped together," Hey, I'm really sorry about calling out of no where. I mean, I knew you might be in a relationship still, but I had no idea it was uh-"

"This fucked?" Newt offered. He'd told him all about what had been happening, because sometimes things began to tear at you until you gave it to someone else. Even if only words, they lessened the weight on his shoulders momentarily.

"My mom..." Ben said," She had an addiction too. It wasn't until she hit rock bottom that she realized what was really important."

Newt set his cup down, averting his gaze," Well, Thomas has already chosen what's important to him." What could he have done different? He had listened, even begged Thomas to speak how he felt in the midst of harsh mornings and distant nights. He'd offered up his body for the sole purpose of comforting Thomas when words weren't enough. He'd started cleaning up, doing errands, feeding Thomas to make sure he was healthy... And for what? To end like this? To be told that the drug killing him was more important than their love? He gasped, and Ben's eyes softened immensely, as if that were possible.

"I'm sorry," Newt said before Ben could interrupt his thoughts," I'm a mess."

"I came here to listen, Newt. No judgement. None of this is your fault," he said, reaching a hand out to squeeze his gently. It felt nice. Reassuring.

He took in a deep breath," I just, for once, would like to fall in love with a man that doesn't break me. I always give the benefit of the doubt, and it never works out. I'm just sitting here while he goes and does it, and he doesn't feel guilty at all. He doesn't feel anything anymore. Is it too much to ask to just be loved?"

Ben didn't take his hand away, and part of Newt was grateful for it. "No, it's not too much. I think one day, someone's going to love you exactly the way you were meant to be loved. No more heartbreaks, no doubts... You'll feel safe, and you'll look back and be grateful that the other men didn't steal what hope was left."

Newt's eyes widened in awe, and then his phone rang. Ben pulled his hand off and leaned back in his chair with a soft nod, though Newt really didn't have to answer it. He liked talking to Ben. Seeing Minho's caller ID, he sighed and pressed the speaker," What is it?"

"So Gally got a hold of his dad, who got a hold of me and-"

"Just tell him," Brenda said with impatience.

"Gally and Thomas have been arrested."

_For fuck's sake._

Slamming doors ignite the indignation of men, but they fall prey to the sins committed by dirty hands. Even the most deviant have yet to realize cutting a decaying limb will procure a new taste for freedom. Gally, who had never been locked up in his life, curled his fingers around the waiting cell's bars in defeat. He'd done nothing wrong, besides go after a man with a death sentence.

"Stop pacing," he said, and he looked back to see Thomas with his fingers curled into his hair. His chest rose with each frantic breath, his body trembling with either the chill of the cold room, or the consequences in which he'd be forced to swallow whole.

"Alright," an officer they'd yet to meet trailed forth to the cell. His keys jangled quite audibly in the rather silent space, even moreso when they were used to unlock the door. Thomas' eyes widened as he moved forward, but the officer held up a single hand," Just this one, buddy. You can wait to see a judge."

Gally let out a rough breath," My friend-"

"Come on, unless you want to wait in here with him."

As tempting as that was, Gally couldn't stand a moment longer being pinned in like an animal. He gave Thomas a long look before he brushed dust off his sleeve," I'll have my lawyers get in contact. Don't worry, Thomas." He tried to give him assurance in his tone, but Thomas appeared absolutely horrified as he was ushered from the shared imprisonment.

The moment the doors were closed again, he slammed his hand up against the bars and cried out in frustration," Don't leave me! Gally, I swear to God, I can't do it in here. Please, I'm sorry I punched you. Just please don't leave me in here."

He saw the man give him a sad look before he turned the corner, and Thomas was left alone in the dim light of solitude. It happened just as quickly, the erosion of reality being eaten away by the rush of past mistakes.

Trauma rings it's bells, and one can not turn away and pretend they do no hear it.

His fists made contact with the wall in his drugged haze, even as it filled him with a facade of clarity in which he was certain of it's sharp edge. He knew it wasn't though, _real_. Any of what he was feeling would dissipate the moment a cloud fogged over the high he lusted for. He closed his eyes and begged for it to remain, but even as it did, it did not allow him to escape his past.

_The morning he found out, it had been unwaveringly hot. The waves bled into his skin and sucked the energy from him before he'd even gotten to breakfast. His body felt useless, but that had been everyday he'd been forced to walk a straight line towards the chunk of dried meat and share of unseasoned potatoes. His hands gripped the tray with uncertainty, his gaze tracing each and every table as he tried to decide where he would best fit and not be bothered._

_It wasn't like the movies. Sure, people liked fights, but no more than they had on the streets. If you kept your chin lifted and your eyes directly on everyone who spared you a glance, then people knew you weren't an easy target. Though, if you stared too long, then it didn't really matter what you had going for you._

_Thomas had learnt that the hard way. A boy like him, amongst people half his age and with more time than the hair on his head, had to get smart fast. He'd made friends, in a way. His tray made a clank as it was set down beside a large male, who lifted his drink with a smirk," You have fun?"_

_Thomas' eyes widened as he scratched at his arm," I- I was just-"_

_"No shame," Samuel said," Sometimes we have to keep each other warm at night. Heard you been doing that for all sorts of people here. Don't think we don't hear it."_

_Thomas stared forward, emotions swelling in his chest before he could muster a reply that was solid. "I guess."_

_Samuel nodded a bit, rummaging around with his fork along his tray. Thomas didn't like him, mostly because he always knew everything about everyone. He didn't mind sharing gossip either, and he was big enough that most people didn't try fighting it. "You know... I was wondering something the other day, you're young huh?"_

_"Yeah," Thomas said, biting his lip._

_"So why you not in Juvie?"_

_"Complicated," he said a little weak, his fingers clenching along the tray._

_Samuel shook his head with a slight chuckle, leaning forward to stare at him with one of the looks he knew not to ignore. "Come on, tell me. We don't keep secrets, you and I. I let you play around with any man you want, but you answer to me. You understand that?"_

_Thomas nodded, swallowing any pride and courage he had left to spare," I didn't just have a possession charge. Before they took me in... I started a fire, it caught up to a few apartments." He looked away from the table," No one got hurt, but they tried me as an adult."_

_Samuel snickered with a shake of the head before he wrapped an arm around his shoulders," Big boy, you really played dirty." When an officer passed by, he pulled his hand back abruptly and offered a single nod. It's not that they didn't know, as a minor, Thomas had men touching him in the midst of the night- it's that they'd worked up a deal to make less trouble. It was easier for them._

_He cowered into his seat, just as the officer turned," Thomas, the warden would like to speak to you."_

_His eyes widened. He'd thought the worse when he was being led to her office, that maybe they were going to punish him for something he didn't even know about. He was an easy scape goat. Though, he remembered her exact words. They engraved themselves within his mind, like a permanent marking of suffering. Never to be healed. Never to be forgiven._

_"Your mother's dead," she said, rather straight forward," There is a possibility you could be an adult by the time you've finished serving your sentence, but your case worker will look into further options if you get lucky."_

_Lucky?_

_He froze, unable to move any part of his body as the words sunk in. She couldn't be gone. He'd told her he would be there, to hear her last words, to see the last of her breath escape into the world. She wasn't._

_"Thomas?"_

_He couldn't breathe. A sudden gasp of air got tied around his throat like a noose, and sturdy hands found their way to his shoulders. "Thomas, breathe. You need to breathe." It was a man's voice. He hadn't even heard anyone else come in. How could he do anything? He'd promised her! She wasn't dead!_

"She isn't dead!" He shouted from the corner of the room, alone again. His finger nails dug deep into his skin as he rocked back and forth, tears raking down the bags under his eyes," Please, please," he sobbed into his arm," Don't make me go back. I'll be good. I promise," blood seeped the wounds he made, and no one came. No one ever did.

"Listen, you have to help him," Gally said as he was escorted along to the front of the station, his father's lawyer at his side. Funny, how the man lived twenty minutes away and couldn't bother himself. He didn't actually care. "He's been in the system before, dude. Help him!"

Charles sighed," He's going to see the judge tomorrow morning, I'll speak to him as soon as I can."

"You have to get him out of this," Gally said," He's one of my best friends. I mean, he's insane, but he's a good guy. You can get him off-"

"Gally!" Newt rushed to hug him, which half caught him off guard as Minho and Brenda moved towards them. He mustered a grin, though the questions soon came plunging forward. "What the hell happened? What did you do? Where's Tommy?"

"I'll explain on the way home," Gally said with a hand raised," For now, it looks like he's stuck until tomorrow morning, but I have my best guy on it."

Charles rolled his eyes. Ben, who'd half started a conversation with a blonde chic behind the counter, seemed to be getting somewhere with the information. He turned a little and gestured for Newt, just as Gally actually realized his presence. 

"Um-"

"Long story," Newt said, shrugging with a tinge of embarrassment" I figured he could help, being a cop and all anyways."

"I did my best," Ben said," It looks like he's just being charged with possession, unless Gally wants to charge him with assault."

Gally, with his half busted lip rubbed his sleeve over his mouth and shrugged when he didn't see the reminisce of blood. Minho's eyes widened at the sight," We let him out of the house for five minutes."

It wasn't hard to explain. Newt got it. His best friend was an idiot with a good heart, and now his boyfriend- or, well Thomas, was being locked up until he could see a judge. Simple, right? So why the hell did it feel so complicated? He rest his hand up under his chin and stared forward outside the window of his room. It was raining now, and a slight fog took to the window as a scented candle filled the apartment with a soft fragrance of vanilla. He didn't feel like crying. He just felt like sitting there, doing nothing, being nothing.

A warm tail whipped along his leg, and he forced himself to make eye contact with the kitten," I know. I'm quite a fool when it comes to love." And now he was talking to a cat. He let out a deep breath and moved to his drawers, where Thomas shirts was tucked in with an assortment of colors. Most of them were blue or green, because Newt often told him how good he looked wearing them. With a longing hand, he pulled one of his longer t shirts out and held it to his chest," I miss you," he said.

It didn't take long to convince himself. He pushed his clothes into the laundry basket and pulled Thomas' shirt over himself with a frown. Why did this make him feel any thing? It was just a shirt. Not like it would suddenly bring Thomas back to him with those warm eyes and that stupid, horrible smile that made Newt's entire body fill with joy. He had hated turning red around Thomas, but now he wished more than anything to hear one of his old puns or his silly little lines that never made any actual sense. 

"Fuck," Newt muttered," Why were you so easy to fall in love with?"

_"We should get married one day," Thomas said, and Newt nearly choked on his banana at the breakfast table with wide eyes. He brought a hand up to his lips as he swallowed down the fruit, aimlessly trying to find the words or look he'd given him to prompt such a statement. "Sorry, I was just thinking that it would be cool."_

" _You want to get married because it would be cool?"_

_Thomas shrugged a little," I want to get married for a lot of reasons."_

_Newt couldn't believe this man. Who just spat off about marriage like it was as simple as ordering takeout? He stifled a grin with a shake of the head," Really? A lot of reasons?"_

_Thomas took the challenge with ease. He moved forward and pushed his chair to face Newt, and counting on his fingers, he began to list, at least until it turned into a ramble," I love you even when you're grumpy every morning and won't get out of bed to go to the bakery with me, and I think you're the smartest man I've ever met. I mean, obviously you aren't Einstein, but you're quick witted and you always answer every question I have even if it's stupid. You also make me really happy, and I really think I make you happy too, or at least I hope so. I like seeing you smile and laugh, even if it's directly at me, because it just- you're the one person I trust completely in my life. You're the first person I've ever considered being selfless with. Hell, I didn't even know what that meant until I started hanging out with you." Newt's eyes widened with awe, but Thomas reached a hand out to his and continued," You mean so much to me Newt. Even if I have to wait years to marry you, I'll do it. Even if- you end up hating me or something, you better believe I'll still try to marry you."_

Newt threw his head back against the pillow with a sigh," Still want to marry me now, Thomas?" He looked at the ceiling and found the silence was pretty much the equivalent to how he felt.

_The Next Morning..._

Charles straightened his tie, just as the judge finished stating Thomas' charges. It wasn't anything he hadn't gone through, but he still felt horrified sitting there in court. What could he do? His life was being handled by men who knew nothing about him, and the crash he was experiencing did nothing to lower the emotions he felt. The whole arraignment was over his bail, or at least that seemed to be the current issue. The judge had taken a look at his priors and raised a brow at his lawyer, who didn't even bat an eye.

"My client was a minor. He was submitted to a series of assaults and sexual abuse during his past sentence. We can't blame him for going back out and using the same drug that led him to starting the fire," Charles said, which had Thomas wincing. He had spoken of his past time only because he'd been asked, but he hadn't actually thought it would be repeated so openly and without emotion. 

"What's your argument here?" The judge was a beady eyed man, little emotion present in the wrinkles of his face.

"He shouldn't even be charged now," Charles continued. "We have programs. The court should have given him an option instead of throwing him behind bars. I have a willing partner to pay for a decent rehab, somewhere he'll actually get help."

The man took a moment to ponder this, and unlike his last arraignment, he looked straight towards Thomas and spoke," Provided he assaulted a man, I'm being very easy if he agrees to follow the requirements."

Thomas' eyes widened. He hadn't been asked before. They'd taken one look at what he'd done and considered him a liability. His voice came out weak when he responded," Yes. Yes sir." His fingers shook as he tried to calm his breathing.

"Good," the man said, looking at him through his glasses. Even if he conveyed no emotion, something in his eyes surprised Thomas. "I don't like what they did with the first case. I'm not about to send you off if you can follow through."

Thomas sighed in relief. He could do rehab, what 30 days? Easy. He just couldn't go back to jail. "Now listen, if I see you here again, I won't be so easy. I'm mandating a 90 day stay. Provided your insurance doesn't cover it, you seem to have very helpful friends." He eyed the lawyer, the one who could sell his car and feed thousands. Thomas though, froze at the words. 

"That's... Three months," Thomas said in shock.

"To start," the man said with narrowed eyes," There will be an assessment in according to your recovery. If the court sees fit, they'll continue with the sentence."

Charles pushed a hand to his back and whispered low," Don't look so down, I just did you a favor."

_Really? This was supposed to be a favor?_


	32. Second Meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all like :)
> 
> I didn't respond to some comments cause I really wanted to update quick. I wrote all morning because the ideas just randomly came to me at 4am but I was too groggy to get them on here then

The day Thomas went into rehab was the day he lost Newt. Maybe it had already happened, pushing him away to reach for what he thought would fill the darkness inside him. It was like space, in a way. 68% of the universe is covered in dark energy, but it doesn't mean what's out there is empty. Perhaps he'd tried filling himself, when all he needed to do was hold the wonders in his hand and observe them, learn what made them so dark.

"You'll be okay," Frypan rested a hand on his shoulder, giving him a short nod with those hopeful eyes of his. Thomas forced a smile and made his way to the next person in line waiting to say words, like some monologue at a funeral. He felt like he was dying, so he guessed it kind of fit. He reached for Minho, Brenda and Winston, even Gally, who had a tight enough hug for the rest of them.

And then one remained.

They all watched for a moment, until Fry gestured towards the car to give them space. Thomas had to hold back everything he felt, to stop himself from breaking, to say the words that would end the one good thing he had left, if he even had it at this point. Newt shook his head, and he was the one to close the distance, his arms wrapping around Thomas' neck as a gasp emanated from his lips," Tommy, you're going to get better."

Thomas clung to his shirt, and for a moment he considered being selfish. Could he though? After everything he'd done? Even before meeting Newt? He forced himself back, and before he could move for a kiss he said in a facade of calmness," Newt, don't visit me."

Newt's eyes widened," What? I- I thought-"

"It'll be hard," Thomas said," getting better. I think I need this, and you need this... I keep going back, and I can't expect you to wait for me. It would just-"

"Be easier?" Newt asked with a painful expression.

"Yeah," Thomas said. He deserved to be happy. Three months, waiting for Thomas to get better when he had no real motivation to quit his drug... He was coming down, and for a single moment of clarity he had to do this one thing. He had to let Newt go. He refused to put anyone else in this constant cycle, getting clean, fucking up- just as his friends had gone through for years.

"Thomas, you can get better," Newt pleaded.

"I don't want too," Thomas said, and he feared he meant it. It always came. The moment he felt strong enough to quit, he'd ruin any chance just for the sake of silencing the screams of his addictive mind. His rotten soul. He was broken, and no one could ever fix that. He'd keep getting high, and he'd willingly die doing so. "I'm sorry that I made you think I was someone I'm not."

And then he had left, because staying any longer would have caused him to break. The day he went to rehab, Thomas began to wonder if there was any reason to come back. 

_Three Months Later_

Newt dropped a box into the small moving truck with a soft grunt, his hands coming to his knees to catch his breath. Sweat dripped down the nape of his neck, and even with the constant water he was beginning to feel a bit faint. He never actually thought he'd miss the colder mornings." Make your boyfriend move the rest," Vince said at the sight of him, his arms full of three boxes toppled together- as if it were _that_ easy.

Newt lifted his head with a narrowed gaze," I'm not a weakling. I'm just in need of a break."

Gally rolled his eyes from the side where he dug into a blizzard blast with his bent spoon, his legs resting up on one of the boxes marked **_fragile._** He'd offered to help, and really Newt would have thought he'd at least move one box before taking a break. The guy was quite useless when he wanted to be.

"Why couldn't Minho come again?"

Gally chewed on the end of his spoon and pointed it in his direction in response," He's marking up a dude. Big tatt, the commissions going to be pretty good. His arms like the entire size of my torso. Can you image how much ink that takes?"

"Hey-" a voice had them both turning, and Newt had the audacity to pull a guilty face when Ben gestured to the boxes. The pretty eyed cop smiled wide," I wasn't aware we were allowed breaks."

Newt shrugged a little," I mean, I guess if you're getting tired."

"I'm not tired," Ben said with a smirk.

Gally gagged, and not because of the obvious flirtation, but he'd definitely just deep throated his spoon. Newt turned abruptly, holding back laughter that erupted anyways. He sort of deserved it at this point. He couldn't remember exactly when it had become easier to laugh without forcing it through. Three months had passed, and... He was happy.

The first month he'd spent alone, constantly at work and unwilling to go out or talk. He wasn't supposed to visit Thomas, so he didn't. He knew his friends did, though they never mentioned it. They never really mentioned Thomas at all when they were around him. Eventually being alone had driven him insane, so he'd called Ben, who was always willing to listen.

Sometimes he'd spend the night, and nothing happened the first or even second month. They just talked and drank tea until the sun came up, or they found a movie to watch about anything that didn't involve romance. It had been nice. Long nights turned into early morning walks, walks turned into breakfast dates and then... things just happened. Newt hadn't been looking for a relationship, but one night he just moved.

_"I just think it's ridiculous," Ben said with a laugh, lounging back on the couch as another episode began," It doesn't even make sense. In the first episode they were definitely flirting. How could she just-"_

_Newt pressed forward suddenly, his lips brushing up against Ben's while his fingers danced across his chest. He could feel his heart race from underneath his tank top, and he could feel the gasp that escaped as he pulled away," I thought we weren't going to watch romances."_

_"It's a thriller," Ben said with a shrug, but a smile tugged at his lips as he watched Newt in awe. Newt pushed a hand to rest against his neck, and for a long moment he considered what he was even doing. Part of him felt guilty, but the other part was begging him to take this chance. He deserved this._

_Ben was sweet and funny, and he was a genuinely good guy. Ben was someone you took home to meet your family, someone that didn't run off and- he pushed himself over to straddle his lap with a quick switch. Ben's eyes widened as he lifted his head to meet his gaze._

_Well, the first time hadn't exactly been as Newt had been hoping. They'd definitely went at it, whereas Ben was much more gentle by nature, Newt had a need to be roughened up. He'd blame it on the lack of sex the past few months, but he wasn't really sure what you'd call... this._ _You see, Newt was loud at times, but never once, ever, even drunk, had he said the wrong name._

_It had ended quite abruptly after that, the sex anyways. He remembered sitting there akwardly in silence and wondering why the hell Ben hadn't taken off running. And then, how sweet of the man, he'd turned and said," Well uh, it's normal... I think? I mean, he is your ex."_

_"I'm so freaking sorry, I don't know why that-" Newt gestured vaguely with wide eyes," I'm so, so sorry."_

_Ben looked towards the TV," It's okay. I mean, I'm definitely not into it, but I get it. You don't have to apologize." He smiled a little, but Newt could tell he felt just as weird as he did. "Um... I don't really know what to say now."_

And really, Newt was surprised the man even considered calling him the next day. The level of patience he had was absolutely ridiculous. It's kind of why they worked. Newt was a mess. He had been, anyways. And maybe in the night when he had those dreams about his past, it was nice to turn and see Ben sleeping beside Simba, who had become a constant reminder of what he'd had. He'd learned eventually, sometimes you had to keep trying to be happy, even when you were convinced there wasn't any other way, even when you were completely certain your soulmate was someone else.

"Newt," Ben said through his thoughts, gently taking his hand," You need to sit down. You look like you're going to faint."

Newt blinked back the images from his mind and moved to grasp Ben's arm," Actually, a water would be nice."

"Alright, just take a seat," he helped Newt sit down and moved towards the open door of the apartment as Gally watched with a raised brow. His friend had a lot of opinions, but then again... He was also extremely biased and a liar. Minho wasn't working today, that he knew. Minho and Brenda were with Thomas. Today was his first day out, and they were really about to pretend like Newt hadn't been counting the days. He was okay with pretending, though he wasn't sure why he needed too anymore.

Thomas was more than a little excited. He'd been doing really well, and for a while he hadn't thought that was even possible. It was weird, how one hit could take you down a path where you forgot about everything good in the world. It had taken him a long time to get better, but he was here- growing as a person, learning new things to make the lower days easier to get through.

Being out, away from his temporary home, felt like he'd been given freedom all over again. The sun lingered against the edge of passing clouds, and the breeze hit just right. It was a perfect morning. As soon as he hit those steps, his friends came rushing forward to greet him. Winston was the first to throw his arms around him in a tight hug, and for a moment Thomas could feel the sudden change of his friend's body. The delicacy to his bones had been toned over with the beginning of new muscle, and where his hands had once been permanently cold, they felt warm and inviting.

"Missed you man," Winston said, a wide smile curling his lips.

Thomas hugged him a little closer with a responding grin, "Missed you too."

And then Brenda and Minho followed suite, until he was pretty sure he might suffocate with the level of pressure to their embrace. Not that he minded though. Even getting visitations every so often, he felt like he hadn't seen them in forever. Frypan watched with a soft chuckle, and for some reason seeing the man there held more importance than Thomas could wrap his head around. If his sponsor was still his sponsor, then they really had held hope for him. He finished hugging them in greeting and stepped back to view how little had changed, until he realized they were doing the same to him. His hands reached into his pockets as he shrugged a little nervously," Any burning questions?"

"Are you going to get high or did the treatment work?" Minho asked suddenly, which was a given, but Thomas hadn't thought it'd be the first question he'd receive. He didn't blame them, since it had been more than obvious how much he'd struggled during the first few months when he'd walked out of the visitation room upset.

Thomas held his arms up with a simple gesture, "No, I'm not getting high. I learned a lot of things in there and I realized how much of an idiot I was being. I fought you tooth and nail to keep away from rehab, and honestly I don't think I'd be alive without it. I'm really sorry it took me so long." He looked into each of their eyes, meeting their gaze with a determination he hadn't even had his first time getting clean. In a soft voice, he said, "This is it. This is me."

Frypan moved to squeeze his shoulder, beaming much like a father might seeing his son hit a home run, "We didn't have any doubt," he informed.

Thomas had. The first month being locked in on level one, or being a new comer, he'd done a few things that made him question himself later.

_It was called yoga, but in reality it was all about the instructor's immense desire to wear tights and reveal off the ass she'd built during the summer. Her long legs splayed out, and a few of the men to his side muttered comments under their breath. Thomas, who'd definitely still not been on board with the whole rehab facility, rolled his eyes," This is stupid."_

_"Thomas, this is to help you relax. Try sitting down on your mat," she said, gesturing to where he stood with crossed arms._

_"I don't understand how doing the splits is going to keep me from getting high," he argued._

_"Dude, let her keep going," Mike, who'd been eyeing her every session, was the same guy he'd gotten into it during dinner. "Just cause you don't like it, don't mean we can't appreciate the beauty."_

_The instructor smiled at him fondly," Thank you, Mike."_

_Thomas remained standing," This is bullshit. You all look fucking ridiculous." He grabbed his sweater from the mat and moved towards the doors of the hall, just as one of his special little nurses pushed a hand to his chest with a near glare._

_"Where do you think you're going?"_

" _He don't like yoga," Mike called from the mat. The instructor and everyone else moved to stand for a better position, half stretching to reach their toes. He noticed Mike lifting his head to get a good look at her again with a smirk._

_"Thomas, you're a level one. You don't get free roam until you prove you're responsible."_

_"I am responsible!" He argued," Do you know how hard I have to try to not beat that guy's ass everytime he says something stupid? Or how many times I've wanted to point out that you never lock the door to your office-"_

_"What did you say? Beat my ass, huh?" Mike moved forward with a raised brow, and from this close he could make out the tear drop tattoo under his eye. He hadn't actually killed one, Thomas knew that. He thumped a hand against his chest and lifted his chin," It's all you. I don't back away from a mouthy bitch."_

_Thomas' jaw clenched as a nurse pushed at his shoulder," Hey! None of that-"_

_"Don't touch me," Thomas said, slamming his hands up to shove the man away, which in hindsight, probably wasn't a way to prove responsibility. The last thing he remembered before blacking out in anger, was the way the man's fist felt caving into his jaw._

Thomas decided he had definitely won that fight, even if he'd been so pissed he couldn't remember how they'd even stopped. He pushed a hand up under his chin and looked out the window as the car passed the parking lot. Finally, _freedom._ Winston turned around from his seat to look at Thomas with a warm smile, his eyes lit with an excitement he'd never seen on the man before. It was genuine, and it looked really good on him. "Frypan wants to throw a party."

Thomas, who was currently thinking about someone in particular, tried to manage a grin and seem interested, "Oh?" He bit his lip as he saw a blonde man pass in the streets, though he was too short to be the right one, "Yeah, sure. That'd be great."

Another moment passed, where everyone was just getting comfortable for the hour ride home. Frypan was reading a book on Buddhism practice, and Thomas really appreciated the silence for a moment. He knew it was good to talk, but he was a little overwhelmed actually sitting in the car. He'd imagined leaving for a while, even if part of him had began to like it at the end. He leaned back in his seat, and a few moments later Winston was turning again to speak _,"_ Thomas, Newt taught me how to drive."

"Winston!" Minho said from the driver's seat in exasperation.

The boy frowned a little, "I just thought it was cool that I learned."

There was his in. He no longer looked pathetic asking now that he'd been brought up. He managed, in a soft voice," How is he?" He'd asked at visitations, and eventually he stopped when it became a little too much. Minho had taken charge to make sure no one dwelled too long on topics that might end bad. Thomas couldn't be upset. He'd asked Newt to not visit him, and in return he didn't really have the right to ask how he was doing. God, he'd been an idiot.

"He's great," Winston said, and Brenda gave him a look. Thomas could see it in the reflection of the center mirror, and the way he tried forcing a smile as he added, "But not too great."

"It's fine," Thomas said with a shrug," We broke up before I went in, but that was when I was going psychotic with all the drugs. Now that I'm better, Newt and I will be just fine." He'd have to apologize for a lot, but he knew somehow it would be okay. They'd been happy before, and maybe Newt would see how much he'd changed, how much better he'd gotten.

Silence passed, and Thomas furrowed his brows before Minho clenched a hand to the steering wheel, "Um about that."

"What?" Thomas looked over the seat, and suddenly he felt a little sick. Frypan lifted his gaze from his book with a deep breath, as if bracing himself for an oncoming war. Had something happened?

"Newt is sort of... " Brenda pursed her lips, turning gently to give him a soft look," Newt's seeing someone."

 _Oh_.

"Okay," Thomas took in a deep breath, because this was okay. He'd told Newt to... He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them, he saw his friends staring at him like he'd just lost everything all over again. He shook his head with a nervous chuckle," No, I mean. I get it. Who's he uh- who's he dating?"

"Do you know a guy named Ben?" Brenda asked carefully.

Thomas pushed back into his seat with wide eyes," Yeah, I know a guy named Ben." Mr. Professional. The one he'd been told not to worry about. His fingers clenched along the back of Winston's seat as he nodded, trying to find the words to pass the sudden aura of the car. "Cool," he said with a weak voice," That's great. I'm really happy for him." When he couldn't really fathom smiling even for a moment, he moved his head back towards the window and tried to not think. At all.

"Here you go," Ben offered Newt up a water bottle, and just as he pushed it into his hand, he leaned forward for a brief kiss. Gally and Vince set down from across the truck, where they were chewing away on sandwiches made with a few slices of meat and mustard left over in Newt's fridge.

"Thank you," Newt said with a grin," you truly are a gentleman."

Gally finished chewing his bite and kneed Vince to get his attention," This is going to be so awkward when Thomas shows up and they both pretend to not be in love." He was watching them now, how Ben took a seat beside his boyfriend, as he finished half of the water he'd received. Gally didn't know how to feel about it. Ben was a nice guy, and Newt seemed happy, but...

"Tell me about it," Vince muttered," Newt talks about Thomas all the time when I come over."

Gally eyed the couple with a narrowed gaze, "So... Who do you ship him with?"

"I'm his dad," Vince reminded with a sigh," and no one actually says that about real people." He grabbed his gatorade from the side of the truck and stood up," Come on, let's get back to work."

Gally though, watched as he walked towards the boxes they had left with a shake of the head, "That means you know what shipping is." Gally took the moment to slowly tread forward to his friend, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible when he dropped his next question," So... You down for the party?"

"What party?" Ben lifted his head, seemingly an innocent one. Gally wasn't sure yet.

"Oh," he said," Thomas just got out of rehab, so we were getting everyone together to celebrate... with probably coffee and those little cookies." He pushed a hand to his side with a sigh," Okay, it's a lot cooler than it sounds." Definitely cooler than him spilling an entire pot of chili onto a woman who'd been convinced the world wasn't real. She'd thought it was real when the heat of the meat soaked her shirt, that's all he had to say about that.

When Newt looked a little reluctant about answering, Vince leaned forward, "That sounds nice. Newt, you should go."

"I knew it," Gally said under his breath.

Newt eyed Ben for a moment before lifting himself from his seat. He set the bottle down and stretched too casually for the given question, "No, I have to unpack and things," he shrugged a little, and Gally really wanted to call him on his bullshit, but he refrained. "Just say hi for me, will you?"

Gally forced a smile," Sure, I'll do that."

Later in the night, when Newt had finished moving things into his new apartment, and Ben had decided to stay a bit to help unpack, he realized how often he'd been checking the time. He hadn't even realized why he'd been doing it until Ben moved to take his hands in his," Get dressed. I'll drop you off."

Newt blinked, his brows furrowing, "What?"

"I know you want to see him." Ben said, and when Newt had a flash of guilt cross his features, he smiled gently," It's okay, Newt. I'm not so jealous that I'd stop you from seeing him. He's your friend... Well, I know you care about him, and coming out of rehab is a pretty big deal for anyone."

Newt stared for a long moment in awe. Ben was... He was too good for him. How could one man hold such patience? He pressed forward and tip toed to kiss him, breathing gently against his lips, "You are an amazing man."

"No," Ben said, caressing the side of his cheek," I just really like you."

_"Your sheets," Mike said with a raised brow, and he gestured to Thomas on his side of the room where he sat down on the bed._

_Thomas lifted the strewn sheets, tied into a noose, with absolutely no shame or sign of sudden despair. He shrugged," Just don't tell anyone, and you won't have me as a roommate anymore. You should be grateful." He looked at his work and imagined how it would be hung best. It had been a little into his stay, and Thomas was tired. There was no tears to shed anymore, no hope he'd ever get clean. He might as well as end it, he thought. It was just a constant cycle, no breaks, no endings._

_"Are you depressed or something?"_

_"No," Thomas said," I'm just tired. If you want I can make you one too."_

_Mike chuckled at this with a shake of the head," Nah, I don't need one. You don't need one either. Those thoughts you're getting pass-" he leaned up against the wall," I don't like you, but that's because I used to be you. If I have to beat your ass again, I will."_

_"You're going to beat my ass if I kill myself?" Thomas asked with a chuckle," Shit, you really are dumb, huh?"_

_"Okay bitch, listen up. If you kill yourself, then the next addict that comes through those doors is gonna hear and thinks it's an option. You have time in here, why don't you use it instead of being a dramatic fucking kid? Live a little. Find a reason if you don't have one, even if the sole purpose is to hate me. I can hate you right back. You want to fight to feel alive? You just come at me and I'll know what to do."_

_Thomas' eyes widened," That... I don't know why that was a little inspiring."_

Now, despite the fact he'd ended up with a black eye for a good week or so into his rehab, he couldn't find it in him to hate the guy. Mike was crazy, but in a way that worked. Hating him had been like hating himself. Every issue he had with Mike, was just a projection that he'd learn to later control. His impatience, his anger, his disrespect... Thomas had been horrible to the people he loved, and he was just seeing it more and more lately, especially coming back.

"It's good to have you out," Gally said into the night, while people rummaged around grilled burgers and hot dogs. The whole group had decided to get together and buy some food, and one of the girls even had the space to fit more chairs for those who just came to relax. Some of them didn't even know Thomas, but they were part of the program. That was family enough, "How you feeling?"

"Nervous," Thomas admitted. It was Gally, the one who'd actually visited the most for some reason. They hadn't been close before, but for some reason beating each other up at the abandos had really helped them bond. "I feel like if I go any where I might accidentally get high, which is stupid, I know- but it's so easy to mess up."

"It'll take time," Gally said, taking a sip of his topo chico, " but I think you're done with the worst of it.

And then he'd looked over towards the little driveway where a man embraced a beautiful blonde, the one that immediately had his heart racing. He watched with something horrible in his chest as the two kissed in parting." I wouldn't say the worst," Thomas said in a soft voice. He couldn't be angry or upset, not with Newt. This had been his fault after all. Still, it felt wrong- and as soon as he started trailing forward Thomas found himself unable to breathe correctly.

"Thomas," Newt said when he found them, and the way his voice sounded on his lips was more than he could actually take.

"Newt," he whispered, " It's good to see you."

Gally nodded a little and raised his drink," I'm going to go get another one now. I'll be all the way over there," and he pointed somewhere indistinct before moving away to leave the two of them alone. Thomas stared forward with a pained expression, trying to find the words that would make him feel less awkward.

Who was he kidding?

Newt was looking at him, and there were so many words he wanted to say, but given the situation, he wasn't sure any of them were welcome.


	33. Longing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say another thank you to everyone who kudos, comments, bookmarks, gives a single look at any sentence...
> 
> This year has been pretty rough, and writing about addiction has been particularly hard at times, but the feedback and kindness of everyone has made me enjoy writing again.
> 
> I feel, in anyone's recovery, even if it's used as fanfic, writing can really help someone find themselves. I hope if anyone's struggling with anything, that reading this helps in some way. Please feel free to always message me if you need to talk

_The wrath of solitude is no more than the simple, most humane source of loneliness._ _Thomas' fingers clenched against the sheets before turning in his bed, a soft sigh escaping when he found no position brought him any real comfort. He couldn't stop thinking. If he had just thrown the first bag away, then maybe he'd still be free to choose his own path. Maybe Newt would be in his arms, and Simba would be curled around the sheets while some awful show taught them about baking. He wouldn't be alone, and the turmoil of his past mistakes would not tighten around his throat. He took in a deep breath and rubbed at the tears that were trying to break through his defense._

 _"Can't sleep?"_ _A voice escaped into the night, and Thomas pulled the blanket over his shoulder as he looked to the wall._

_"What do you care?" He asked Mike, and he hated how weak his voice came, though he'd easily blame it on the lack of rest._

_"I don't," Mike said back, and when Thomas turned a little to look at him, he saw how he stared up at the ceiling, his expression conveying nothing in the dimness of the room. The glass was impenetrable by anything found in their space, but a soft light bled through the fogged exterior to remind him of where he remained. "I just can't sleep when you keep making so much noise."_

_Thomas took in a deep breath, "Sorry."_

_He'd expected a rude answer, maybe a little quip about his obvious distress, but Mike's next words came out in a soft tone, "My first week, I couldn't sleep either. Kept crying for my little girl. She's my angel man, and I just got stuck here for a few months."_

_Thomas bit his lip, "What's her name?"_

_"Clarissa," Mike whispered, and after a moment of silence, the man turned to look at him directly, "So who you crying about?"_

_Thomas closed his eyes and forced himself to gain a little composure before trying to answer, "Everyone I guess. I hurt a lot of people." It hadn't just been this time, back when he'd yet to get clean, he'd taken a lot from his friends in his own selfishness._

_"And that's exactly why you stay here. You get better and then all that shit will have a reason. You just quit, then nothing gets done," Mike said," You can do it too. You're stubborn enough, Thomas."  
_

Stubbornness. He definitely still had that going for him. He pushed the memories away to take in the scent of brewed coffee and desserts set out along the kitchen counter. People came in and out occasionally to grab drinks from the fridge, and he stood there now preparing himself his own." You're probably tired of people asking, but how do you feel?" Newt turned his head, standing along the assortments of lemonade and bottled tea, as if they hadn't just awkwardly trailed into a quieter place to speak.

"I'm great," Thomas managed, still not yet directing his gaze, because he knew those eyes had always been a weakness. Newt had the ability to shed any of his facades. "I know I seemed against the whole rehab thing, but halfway into my stay I started learning a lot."

Newt nodded, his hand coming down to a plastic cup to fill, "That's amazing, Tommy." 

And then silence passed again, because for some reason they could no longer fill anything without forcing the words out their throats. He hated it. He set his coffee down and reached for the powdered creamer just beside Newt's hand," Gally tells me you moved apartments," he said suddenly.

Newt lifted his head to finally look at him, "I needed a change. Rents cheaper too." That, and it would be nice to not have to deal with Alby constantly coming back and forth. He'd made it obvious he was with someone, but the guy really hadn't taken any hints until he'd realized it was a man with a badge. Funny, how that worked better than his own feelings. 

"Right," Thomas said, freezing a little when they both met each other's gaze. He knew, that out of everything to keep away from, his next words should have remained on his tongue. Though, his own stubbornness, of course, had them bleeding out in the empty room," Is uh, Ben moving in?"

Newt's shoulders stiffened, "No, he's not moving in. That would be a little early in the relationship."

"Well that's smart," Thomas tried to hide the relief in his tone, but found it was kind of an impossible feat," You definitely don't want to rush things."

"Guess that was part of the issue in my last relationship," Newt said with a soft chuckle, though it held no humor in the way his words swayed and his hand reached for his cup to down the overly sugared drink.

Thomas bit his lip, unable to help himself, "Was it? I sort of thought being mentally connected within an astral plane made it okay to move a little quick." He really couldn't help it.

Newt's expression hardened, and he shook his head before eyeing Thomas with something that inflicted more wounds than the following words, "We can't have this conversation."

Thomas averted his gaze to look towards the magnets on the fridge, "Because you don't want to, or because there's no point?"

"Both," Newt said, and he was suddenly too close to Thomas to not be his. What world held such cruelty to leave yearning lovers in a space they could not reach? He watched with a slight tremble to his fingers as Newt explained himself with frustration," Look, I'm really happy you're clean, and I continue to hope that you stay clean, but things have changed here. A lot has changed."

"I understand that, Newt." Thomas held back the emotions he had, the ones solely for Newt, and tried to convey what truth came in his words," More than you know."

And then they were staring at each other, for a brief moment sharing a silent conversation. He could see the longing, the unhealed pain despite the months in between of the wound, the frustration of endings, the sorrow-

"I should go check on Winston," Newt said suddenly, taking a visible step back," He wanted to talk to me about something earlier."

Coming home, it didn't feel like home now. Getting back to routine while moving back in with Minho and not waking to see Newt was more than a little difficult. After the party, he threw himself in meetings every chance he could. He didn't use to share, but every Wednesday night he felt better about having time to connect his own thoughts about recovery and the issues he was having apart from it.

"So yeah," Thomas trailed off a little," I guess I expected things to go back to normal after I got out. When I found out my ex moved on, it just- it wasn't long, you know? It makes me wonder how bad I really fucked up when I was using. I still have a lot to apologize for, to everyone... I mean, shit- I stole and crashed my best friend's car, and he's still letting me live with him. I guess I should consider myself lucky they haven't kicked me to the curb."

Winston nodded from across the room, and Thomas looked down at his nails to have something to distract him from how open he was actually being. "I think the most important thing, is despite how hard it is now, I don't have any reservations. I don't want to get high, and that's what really matters. Someone really wise told me that's the first step into getting better." Frypan smiled at this with a knowing glance as Thomas continued," So... I'm Thomas, I'm a very disturbed addict, and thanks for letting me share."

After the meeting huddle, when they did their little chant after a moment of silence. Thomas really thought about the words. _God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference._

"Keep coming back, it works if you work it and you die if you don't, so work cause you're worth it-" and then that horrible squeeze when they all parted from the group circle, and Thomas would immediately try to find some where that wasn't crowded as they all dispersed. Winston found him after, brushing a hand up against his arm with a bright grin," Hey! I want you to meet someone."

"Oh?"

Winston pulled him aside to the table that held a few coloring books and box of toys for the little ones that came with their parents. He raised a brow at Jeff, having met him a few times during past meetings," Thomas, hey nice to see you again." 

"He's helping me read the literature," Winston said in excitement, and it was so new- he'd always been a little energetic, but meth had tainted his previous innocence and turned it into other things. Seeing Winston now, it felt good, really good.

"I'm glad you're making friends in the program, Winst," Thomas smiled at them and watched as Winston moved to rest his head on Jeff's shoulder. At least someone was getting their happy ending, and if anyone deserved it- it was certainly Winston. He'd been through a lot. Once again, Thomas had a lot to apologize for.

Newt threw a pile of clothes from a packed box onto his mattress. He'd yet to set the frame up, but he had plenty of time to worry about that. Today was more about distracting himself. Again. He lifted Thomas' shirt, the one he'd kept when giving him his things back before he'd ventured to rehab, and looked at Simba who was sitting half nestled in the package. "Can you believe him?" He asked," He struts back in with those puppy dog eyes and that stupid smile and what-" he threw the shirt onto the bed with an incredulous look," Expects me to kiss his face off or something? He broke up with me! He left, more than once, and now I'm supposed to pretend like nothings happened?"

Simba stretched out in the box before turning around to stare outside the window, his back to Newt. The blonde sighed as he moved a hand to scratch Simba's ear," I know we love him, but he left us. We're happy with Ben, and he gives you treats behind my back and I know you two cuddle-" _Shit_ , Newt thought, _Thomas hasn't gotten to see Simba._

Newt pursed his lips before trailing a hand further along his back," Pack your night bag, kid. It's time to visit daddy."

Thomas slouched back into the couch, his legs outstretched over the coffee table as he dived into a large bowl of vanilla yogurt and fruit. The one thing rehab had definitely did, was make him more inclined to eat an entire fridge worth of food in one sitting. His metabolism was all fucked, but he managed to gain back the few pounds he'd lost the first month inside when he'd threatened to starve himself for a decent high. It didn't actually end up working, obviously. He took some yogurt into the spoon and just as he'd made it halfway to his lips, the door let out a sudden echo of knocks- he jumped, yogurt slapping down onto his black shirt," Shit," he put his bowl down and tried to find something to clean himself off with.

"Thomas?"

His eyes widened as he gave up to fetch the door, half pulling it to himself as he let out a rough breath. Newt stared at his chest with a raised brow.

"It's yogurt," Thomas said, and just as he turned to let Newt in, he made eye contact with the fireball of fur stretching out in a tiny crate. "Oh my god, my baby."

Thomas opened the door wide and helped Newt with the crate, as soon as he opened it the cat lifted his head to sniff the air. Thomas reached to pick him up with a gentle grasp, even though Simba clearly wanted to roam in the new apartment," I missed you so much. Hey- let me cuddle real quick."

Newt moved to close the door, lounging back for a moment before he realized he'd have to say something eventually. "I wasn't sure what you wanted to do with him. I mean, he is your cat, but we were also together." He shrugged a little," Maybe a sort of shared custody?"

Simba jumped from his arms and sauntered forward towards the kitchen. In a matter of moments, the furball jumped to the counter and then to the top of the fridge," He does that a lot now," Newt said with a small grin," He's a nightmare actually, woke up and he'd strewn the cereal over the entire floor of the kitchen- bastard wasn't even hungry."

Thomas followed his child with admiration, who seemed to have no interest in actually getting down, "He probably gets that from me."

Newt had a fondness to his tone that struck him immobile, "You are a nightmare in the kitchen." He seemed to only have realized then that they were alone. He leaned up against the counter, and just as Thomas was trying to find some sort of safe talking point, Newt gestured to his shirt," Do you want to change?"

"What?" Thomas blinked back, and looked down to see the string of white drying where he'd yet to wipe it clean. "Oh, shit yeah." He pushed an arm up and took the shirt off before shoving it into his fist, and Newt had a moment where he looked taken by shock. Standing half bare, he noticed Newt look away towards the television in the other room. It wasn't until he noticed the tension in his shoulders, that he realized he was standing there awkwardly. "Right, I'll uh, be right back."

Thomas had once walked around the apartment in the nude, their apartment anyways. Part of him had just become accustomed to being comfortable with Newt, but he knew that was different too. As soon as he left the room to trail to his own, Newt turned towards Simba with a narrowed gaze," Did you see what he just did?"

 _Ridiculous_ , Newt thought. As if he'd actually come here just to see Thomas get undressed. It didn't bother him like that, not at all, it was just a matter of respect. He crossed his arms to lean back against the counter and when Thomas came back in a new shirt, he tried for an out," so... Where's Minho?"

"Oh," Thomas rubbed his hands together, even though it wasn't exactly cold in the apartment," he's on a date with Brenda and Gally. It's just me for the night."

Newt nodded a little with pursed lips. What now? He pushed off the counter and trailed towards where Netflix had paused on the television with furrowed brows, "So you're watching documentaries on strange addictions?"

"It's actually pretty weird. I just watched a chic eat her own couch," Thomas said with a chuckle, and then he stretched a little and tried reading Newt's energy. Before it had been easy, he hadn't ever needed to search. He hadn't ever asked a simple question and felt like it might be a mistake," Do you want to stay and watch an episode?"

Newt pushed a hand to his back pocket, "I should get going actually. Ben wanted to speak to me tonight about something pretty important."

"Oh, okay- " Thomas tried to hide the frown as he slowly moved towards the door behind Newt," Simba can stay though?"

Newt turned to face him, having not realized how close he'd been behind him. A soft breath escaped and he met Thomas' gaze with an intricate sort of plea, "Of course, yes." His eyes raked over Thomas' lips, and traced back towards his eyes that filled with uncertainty," That is why I came over."

Thomas found himself mapping out his features the same, though when Newt moved his gaze to settle on the wall, Thomas continued to stare," Guess I'll see you around," he managed in a whisper.

It was like a magnetic force, interconnecting their heavy bodies with a pull so vast one might fear the break of reality should they not allow the energy to touch. Newt bit his lip, soft fingers trailing forward to feel the warmth of Thomas' arm, "Guess so." He was going to pull away, he really was- but Newt was standing closer and his lips were parting just as he reached for his waist. They were so close that Thomas could feel his breath, hear the anticipation as they nearly met-

And then Newt was pulling back against the door with enough force that Thomas took a step back. "I have to go," Newt said.

"Newt-"

"I'll text you, or uh maybe not," Newt stepped out the door, and Thomas watched after him until he made his way down the apartment steps. His fingers brushed against his lips, where a kiss had nearly been born, and because of it's absence, the energy of their bodies would certainly tear apart the universe.

Later in the night, when Newt was certain he wasn't going to get anything else done, he lit a blunt off his new balcony and stared at the horizon filled with lingering stars. His head rested back against the camping chair and he watched the smoke dance across the railing with a long, thoughtful look. He'd nearly kissed Thomas. For no particular reason other than the fact they were standing close.

"Fuck," he muttered," what's wrong with me?"

"Newt?" Ben stepped past the half opened glass door, still in uniform and very aware of the sudden smoke lifting out past Newt's hand.

He smashed his blunt into the ash tray and turned a little," I'm sorry, I forgot you were coming over."

Ben moved to sit down beside him, reaching to squeeze his knee," I didn't see anything." Of course, Ben wasn't ecstatic about having his boyfriend smoking pot, but he never made any arguments against it. He watched him with a gentle look before trying to meet his gaze," Rough day?"

"Extremely."

Ben stood up to rub his hands along Newt's shoulders," Maybe I can help. You want me to draw you a bath?"

Newt stifled a soft noise when his hands met tense parts of his muscle. Being taken care of was always nice, but he couldn't fight the feeling that grew in his stomach. It was like a sickness, one he didn't want to understand. "That sounds nice," he whispered," I'd like that."

The night was full of ice cream and hot cheetos. Not together, Thomas wasn't that monstrous. He dipped his spoon into his bowl and eyed the cat making himself comfortable on a cushion beside him. "So... you think I have a chance?"

Simba turned around abruptly and shoved his face into the center of the cushion until he could squish his way into the crease enough that it covered him from tail to shoulder. He let out small noise of content, and Thomas raised a brow, "Is that a yes or no?"

Okay, so maybe talking to someone who couldn't understand English wasn't as therapeutic as he'd hoped it would be, but he needed to talk to someone about what had just happened. There had been clear vibes. _Vibes had been had._ And he was just supposed to give up, knowing Newt had been so close to letting him touch him again? It wasn't even about the physical contact, it was the idea that Newt still cared. He looked down at his half eaten ice cream and frowned, just as the door opened and Minho strutted in with a clang of his keys.

"Hey," Thomas greeted," How was the date?"

Minho stopped halfway in the living room, eyeing Thomas who was bundled up in blankets and had a few dishes stacked along the coffee table. He unzipped his jacket and moved to plop down on his favorite chair, "We went hiking and I lost the keys to my car."

"Oh?"

Minho rolled his eyes, "They were in Gally's pocket. Found them an hour after we started looking."

Thomas laughed out loud and dipped his spoon into more ice cream, "Man, that sucks."

Simba pushed his head up and sniffed the air, letting out a soft purr as Thomas reached a hand down to scratch behind his ear where he liked it best. It was good to know at least his child hadn't changed much.

"Is that Simba?" Minho asked suddenly.

"Oh yeah," Thomas took a soft spoon of his dessert and tried to appear casual despite the fact there was nothing casual about it," Newt came over to drop him off. I think we're doing a half custody thing."

Minho raised a brow, "Over a cat?"

Thomas had a moment to look offended, and he sat up with a hushed whisper, "He's our child." 

Minho let out a sigh, but didn't move to argue against it. He kicked at Thomas' leg that rested on the table and gestured towards the mess. "How is all that going?" 

"I'm still completely in love with him," Thomas admitted, and when Minho froze he offered him his bowl, "Sorry, did you want some ice cream?"

"Thomas, this isn't healthy," Minho said.

"It's ice cream, it's not supposed to be."

Minho looked at him for a long moment before he heard someone talking about eating ash on the television. His eyes widened as he turned," How in the hell are you munching while watching this?"

"It's called..." Thomas raised his spoon," eating away your feelings."

Into the night, Newt clung to Ben's shoulders to forget the moments before when he'd been in the bath and even the hot water couldn't ease his distraught. Each thrust was like a pull of his own reality into the waters of a dream, where he feared he'd drown if he gave in completely. Even the gasps that left his lips had pain etched into the euphoric wonders of an orgasm. He could only disappear for so long before his thoughts found him, and they'd most definitely had a battle to encompass with his own subconscious.

When they'd fallen into the sheets, and Ben had moved to run a hand up his side with his shared exhaustion, he whispered into his shoulder," I want you to meet my parents."

Newt blinked back, turning to rest on his side with a wide eyed look," Really?" 

Ben pulled away gently," Is that... Is that too soon?" Everything he did, he always watched for Newt's reaction, as if he truly knew how fragile he was when it came to the emotions involved in a relationship. It was nice, to be worried about; but it also hurt for some reason. 

"No, it's fine," Newt whispered, and he pushed himself up to bring the sheets to his chest," I was just under the impression they didn't know you were gay." 

"My mom does, and my dad has been a lot more open with the community, so I figured he had to have taken a few of my hints," Ben shrugged a little, obviously down playing how important it was to him. As kind as he was, he never asked for what he needed. Often times, Newt would have to follow his lead and determine what really mattered. He had to be careful with Ben, who hadn't yet been tainted by the world Newt lived in.

"So..." he said with a soft grin, though nerves clearly tensing his shoulders," I'm the first man to meet them."

"You don't have to Newt," Ben said. Maybe it was too soon, and maybe meeting his parents was scarier because of what it meant, but he had that hopeful look in his eyes, the kind that you didn't ever really want to take away.

So, Newt leaned forward to kiss him slow, and when he pulled back he smiled at him," No, I want too." And for some reason, as he spoke these words, he felt a horrid longing in his chest like never before.


	34. Good Trees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha I have an issue
> 
> Seriously, I don't remember writing half of this. I've been half sedated with pain meds and the other half of the time I've been hyped on coffee
> 
> Yes I'm being safe, but college is most definitely redefining the term sleep

Amid morning, when the apartment’s blinds could no longer hold the light of day, Newt stirred from his slumber with a peculiar sort of feeling. The warmth shared in bed had long disappeared when Ben had readied for his shift of the day. He remembered waking for a moment to admire the way his uniform fit him so well, only to fall back asleep to dream of cherished memories. Now, he felt them slip too easily into the silent space of his empty apartment. 

He brushed a hand through his hair before reaching for his laptop that set on a closed box, waiting to be unpacked, the nuisance. His fingers clasped along it’s opening before he pursed his lips in thought. Maybe, today could start a little different. He didn’t exactly have any pressing deadlines to worry about, and it was quite beautiful outside if the sun had any say about it. Newt felt like a walk. 

The fact his body immediately moved for the park where Thomas and he had finished their first date was by simple convenience. It was the closest, and it rarely ever had company other than the elders that took its trail along the pond. Really, the universe must have truly admired the suffering of humans, to put a man at the single place where he would begin to question fate’s existence. Of all the places, to see the man bending over the pond where a cat was harnessed down and waiting for prey- he'd really started to question it all. 

Newt cleared his throat,” Tommy?” 

Thomas lifted his head, his eyes widening as he took Newt in,” I am not stalking you,” he informed. 

“I didn’t think you were,” Newt said, who pushed his hands into his light jacket in attempt to calm the sudden nerves that took over him. He looked over at Simba, as if he’d ever answer any questions. 

Thomas threw a few duck pellets to the grass as a few swarmed up through the pond with impatience,” I miss coming to feed them,” he said in a whisper. A mud hen pecked at the left overs, arching his neck to let out a ghastly call. 

“Right,” Newt said, because what exactly was he supposed to say to that? Insult him for being a good citizen? 

“What are you doing here?” Thomas asked suddenly, and he turned his head to eye Newt with a curious sort of gaze, the kind that was meant to be innocent and yet still manage to make Newt feel caught off guard. 

“Hm? Oh, I was just-” he shrugged a little,” I happen to like this park. It has good trees.” _Good trees_? He mentally berated himself for such a horrid attempt at appearing casual. It’s not like he was committing a crime by being there. This was a public park. 

Thomas looked around and nodded a little,” Yeah, the trees are _pretty_ good.” 

A wobbling duck pushed itself onto the bank much to Simba’s dismay and hopped over a rock, near tripping back into the pond as he quacked out with annoyance. Newt held back a grin as he gestured with his head,” Hey, that one looks sort of familiar.” 

Simba growled as he pushed forward, and Thomas reached to tug at his leash,” Stop! They’re our friends.” 

Simba wasn’t having it though, the moment Thomas was weak, he lunged forward for the duck that half flapped to safety. It happened quite quickly. Thomas plunged forward for his cat, and they both stumbled into the pond where it dropped into deep water. Simba screeched before clawing his way to the surface, his claws digging into the bank until he could maneuver himself to safety. It was like the cartoons, Newt found. He stared at the pond where Thomas tried reaching a less steep rock, and suddenly he was bursting out laughing at the entire ordeal,” Oh my God-” Newt covered his mouth,” I-” he tried to catch his breath as he reached a hand out to help,” I’m not laughing- You just, you look absolutely ridiculous.” 

Thomas landed back onto the hard ground with a cursory breath, his arms splayed out beside him as Newt finished practically pulling him up. “Simba, you okay?” He turned his head to look at the drenched cat, his obvious attitude about the park turning into a new malevolence. 

Newt shook his head, fighting back another bout of laughter,” Come on, my place is close,” and then he furrowed his brows when he realized where they were,” Did you walk here?” 

“Not that far,” Thomas said,” I was around.” 

Newt wasn’t sure about that, but he didn’t question what brought him there, just as he didn’t question why he was willingly taking him home. Clearly, this was the universe trying to test him. Little did it know, Newt had been ignoring his inner desires a lot longer than he’d known Thomas.

It was why he bore no issue in opening his apartment door and leading him to his new bedroom, allowing Simba to find a place on the fridge in the meantime. “I have some sweats that may fit you, and plenty of shirts-” Newt opened his drawer, just as Thomas stripped down to his boxers with ease. He stood there, seemingly admiring the bland walls and half made bed, before he came to Newt’s side to watch him rummage through shirts. 

“And unde-” Thomas stopped for a moment,” Is that my shirt?” 

Newt ignored the fact he was nearly nude and mustered a forced response,” No, why would that be your shirt?” 

Thomas reached forward to grab it with a raised brow,” This is definitely my shirt. It has the little hole from Simba and everything,” he showed off the sleeve where the cat had played a little rough, and then turned it around to see the soft print of an intricate design of a tree. 

“Simba does that to a lot of shirts, must have slipped into my stuff,” Newt said. 

Thomas’ lips curled into a smile and his gaze near penetrated Newt’s defense,” Why are you in denial about fabric?” 

Newt slammed his drawer shut,” I am not in denial, you’re just being dramatic.” 

Thomas was too close again, like he kept forgetting that this wasn’t allowed anymore, that his space was no longer shared between them.” Newt, if you want to keep the shirt, just say so.” 

Newt stared forward with a determined glint to his gaze, even as his hands fell back to clench against the dresser while it dug into his back,” Why would I want to keep it if it’s your shirt?” 

Thomas took a step forward and had the valor to smirk,” So you admit it’s mine.” The way he said those words should have been considered sinful.

“You are unbelievable,” Newt said, but the words had lost the force he’d been trying to achieve due to the entanglement of Thomas’ eyes and the way they shamelessly caressed his skin. Thomas didn't speak, though his hand said enough as it went to caress his side in question. _Is this okay?_ Newt pushed slightly into his hand with a soft gasp. Fingers ran along the inside of his shirt, near burning his skin with how much warmth remained.

For a moment, Newt had to consider the consequences of what it would mean to press forward- and in the next, he was throwing himself into Thomas’ arms and they were battling their wit’s end between a rough and desperate kiss. 

Newt felt his body near collapse from the surge of energy that scorched the inside of his veins, his finger nails scraping down the side of Thomas’ shoulder as his tongue pushed inside to battle his own with a warm and needing fervor. He needed this, to feel every inch of Thomas’ body in the way he had before. The man’s own hands grabbed Newt by the waist, a gasp emanating from one of the two when stars began to collide in the sky and the alternate planes of the gods expanded the universe in one sudden red-hot explosion. 

Thomas pulled back with a heavy breath, and the moment Newt found clarity, he shoved him back hard from his space with horror. “That- That was a mistake.” 

“Newt, no it wasn’t.” 

Newt shook his head, his heart pounding viciously away in his chest. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think of what he’d just done. He moved forward to throw a shirt at Thomas and gestured to the door,” You should go.” 

“Come on,” Thomas pleaded. 

“Please,” Newt said, tribulation twisting the beautiful features of his face,” just go.” 

Thomas pushed the shirt on and halfway into the hall, he realized Simba was still on the fridge. For a moment, he considered trying to get him down, but he didn’t really want to stay any longer, not when Newt looked completely mortified by what they’d done. He opened the door to the apartment and froze when Winston had a hand near the bell,” Thomas?” 

“Winst, what are you doing here?” His brows furrowed as he looked back to the living room, though Newt was probably still in his room. 

His friend held up a little tray in his free hand before he pushed it close to his chest in order to keep it balanced,” Sometimes I bake Newt cookies. He helped me a lot while you were gone.” 

“Really?” Thomas nodded as he hung off the side of the door, as if this was even close to his place. “I’m glad you two are friends, that is super cool.” He really needed to get lost before he ruined anything else. Not that the kiss wasn’t mutual and not that he wasn’t running on a new emotional high, but Newt didn’t seem to share the sentiment. 

“What were you doing here?” Winston asked suddenly. 

“Huh?” Thomas asked, and he followed Winston’s gaze to his legs, where he had near walked out with his boxers alone. His eyes widened,” I- actually...” he held up a finger to keep him at the door before he called out to Newt in the hall.” Hey! I’m going to need some pants!” 

He finished explaining the exact story a few hours later in the small market, finishing with a long sigh as he pushed up against the cart,” See, I’m trying to be respectful but at the same time Newt and I belong together.” 

Brenda turned from the pasta on the shelf and dropped a few boxes into the cart, looking quite unimpressed,” If you belong together, than respect it isn’t time and let him work through his emotions.” 

Thomas huffed a little and turned with a frown,” I hate it when you give me advice.” 

His friend managed a small smirk,” Because I’m always right?” 

She wasn’t always right, just more so than the rest of the gang. Her dark eyes scanned the rest of the isle as she looked over the list for Minho, because he was useless when it came to shopping for himself. It ended up giving Thomas some time to sneak pizza rolls and desserts onto the list. They’d really tried to go healthy, but after suffering for so long he just found a new passion for the high carb and sugar diet. It was like... living life again, but in a way that might actually kill him forty years from now.

“Thomas, we are not getting jalapeno cheetos,” Brenda said suddenly, and she tossed them back onto the shelf when she noticed they’d been stowaways in the cart. 

He glared at her,” How do Minho and Gally put up with you?” 

She offered him a short wink,” It’s my charm,” her hand moved to rest against his shoulder,” Come on, no more brooding tonight. It’s time you had some fun.” 

“I’m allergic to fun,” Thomas reminded. 

“No, Gally wants to take us all out to dinner,” she said,” It’s supposed to be nice, and we can invite Newt," though, she seemed a little hesitant about offering that choice. Thomas took it in stride, even tried looking a little distracted by the assorted pasta sauces in his line of sight before managing a factious shrug. 

“Sure... where we going?” 

Newt had spent the day wavering in strength. He didn’t blame Thomas for the kiss, but in a way he most definitely did. It was Thomas who got undressed before even considering using the bathroom, and it was Thomas with those stupid warm eyes, and those perfectly kissable lips- He threw his head into his hands and let out a rough sigh. What the fuck was he doing? Thomas was bad for him, in a way that he’d convinced himself he would never be tempted to go back. There he’d been though, the one to make the move, when Thomas had been respectful enough to even wait for an answer. He couldn’t blame anyone but himself, which only made matters worse because he didn’t have any explanation to ease the burden of his soul. 

When he’d received the text from Brenda, he also did not have a way to mend the sins committed by agreeing to go, knowing Thomas would be there, knowing it may lead to further temptations he clearly wasn’t alright enough to stray from. It’s why he lied, just a bit, when he leaned forward to kiss Ben’s head that night and said,” I’m going to hang out with Gally. Is that alright?” 

Ben lifted his head,” Have fun, don’t call 911, I’m much quicker.” 

Newt forced a smile and leaned in to kiss him on the lips, a quiet apology passing through as he parted,” I’ll be back early. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable.” 

Ben watched him leave with a fond expression. He rarely went out anymore, so the little hang out was something nice to hear about. It had him smiling to himself as he moved to clean up the apartment a little. He liked helping, knowing it would ease Newt’s stress later. He washed the dishes in a matter of minutes, since he only had a few unpacked since he’d moved in. Simba lingered over the fridge and meowed at him every time he reached to put a dish away. With a soft laugh he grabbed some dirty clothes from the hamper and opened the closet door that had the washer and dryer. 

Ben reached forward to open the washer when he noticed it only had one set of clothing already drenched and ready to be dried. He grabbed the shirt and raised a brow as something unsettling set into place within his stomach. With furrowed brows he took the jeans to lay them over the machine, and noticed they were a bit bigger than Newt wore, though maybe he was reading too far into things. He shook his head and stuffed them into the dryer before tending to other chores. In the back of his mind, questions began to form. 

The restaurant was bordered by the entanglement of roses across vines, chandelier lit and delicately crafted sculptures of angels ignited caressed walls of painted art. Thomas’ eyes lit up at the sight, and he looked down to his half decent attire with wide eyes,” I’m underdressed.” 

“No,” Gally said, putting a hand to his back,” you’re not under anything. Just walk in like you own the place, they’ll think you’re too rich to care.” 

Newt snorted at their side, and Thomas chanced a look his way, only for him to turn abruptly and whisper something to Brenda. She shrugged a little with a smirk, her own dress curving along her body with perfection. If Thomas had been born straight, he definitely would have tried getting with her. Well, if his friends hadn’t first. 

Gally moved forward suddenly and offered the waiter up a grin,” I reserved a table for five-” 

“Yes, you called me a minute ago,” the man said with slight irritation. It was covered by the plastered grin on his face, one he’d probably be tipped his worth for. They followed him to a table and Thomas eyed Brenda for a chair beside Newt, and when she seemed reluctant, he made a small gesture with his hands to plead for her kindness. With a roll of the eyes, she pulled the chair out and allowed him to sit. 

“Oh, I-” 

“Newt, did you want some bread?” Minho went in for the rescue as a distraction, his arm hanging over both Brenda and Gally’s shoulders. 

“Some wine?” The waiter asked, and if Thomas wasn’t a drug addict, he might actually consider taking a sip of wine to ease his discomfort. Last time though, he’d told himself it would just be one drink, and then it had been one blunt, and then one hit of meth... it was a cycle he didn’t feel like repeating. 

“None of us drink,” Gally said, and he eyed Thomas with a small smirk,” Got you man.” 

"Thanks Gally," Thomas said, and he really did appreciate his efforts, even if he did receive a look from their oh, so gracious waiter. Music suddenly enveloped the room, and he turned to see someone playing at the piano. It was beautiful, and he found his fingers tapping on his knee in deep thought.

He remembered a time... 

_“Perfect, Thomas,” his mother brushed his hair back and she leaned forward to kiss his head as he continued to play what she’d taught. He winced when a finger slipped off the key, an obvious frown displayed along his lips._

_“I suck mom.”_

_“Hey-” she shook her head,” you don’t suck. You just got distracted.”_

_“I always get distracted,” Thomas told her, and he went to close the case to the keys when her hand reached for his. When he lifted his head to peer at her, his eyes were wide with worry. He didn't want to disappoint her. If he played better, then maybe she'd get better. He just wanted to see her smile at him and mean it._

_"Let me tell you a secret," She whispered with soft eyes," music isn't good or bad. We play because we feel something in our hearts. An expression of yourself can never be wrong, Thomas. It's who you are. God gave us these instruments so we could communicate that, and you don't think he goes around saying who isn't his child, do you?"_

_"No," Thomas answered," We're all his children."_

_"So, why would he only give some people music and not others?"_

_Thomas chuckled a little," Guess you're right mom. I'll play again."_

Thomas found himself standing up, just as the person who'd been playing moved to sit down at another table, his friends congratulating him on the sudden spur of bravery. He wasn't even aware he was moving until he found himself sitting down on the bench. It was like a compulsion. Thomas parted his fingers, and he became entranced by the pull of memories, of who he was. 

His music was a way to express the words he hadn't ever been strong enough to say. When his fingers pressed forth, he played the sorrows of his father's rule, and the drugs he'd abused, the people he'd lost. He played the empathy he had for the still suffering addicts, and the battles that may end their lives. It wasn't a song he'd ever learned, but one he felt with each breath escape out into reality like it had always been.

"I never knew he could play," Newt said from the table, his eyes wide in awe.

Minho smiled a little as nostalgia pulled on him, "When we were kids, he used to play with his mom," he whispered," He hasn't played since he started using."

The melancholy was brought to its knees for its lover, echoed words of truth intertwined in the beauty of humanity at it’s most raw form. Thomas lifted his head as he stopped playing, shattered walls of his dream drenching him in the sudden shock of his actions. With red cheeks, he pushed back from the piano and moved to sit back at the table. 

“Tommy,” Newt said with a whisper,” That was beautiful.” 

“Thanks,” Thomas reached for the glass of water set in his place with a deep breath,” I didn’t even know I was playing until half way into the song.” 

"Your orders?" The waiter stood there with the menus, looking far from exasperated. Thomas had a moment to offer up an apologetic smile before he moved to look to the menu. He was thinking steak. 

Later in the evening, he found it was more relaxed than he’d expected. For one, Newt didn’t seem to pull away from conversation. He chewed on a piece of his food and let out a soft sound in appreciation,” Oh my god, this is delicious.” 

Thomas leaned over his own plate to eye Newt’s dish with a playful scowl,” What is that? Some kind of fish?” 

“The sauce really makes it,” Newt scooped up a spoon’s worth and offered it towards him,” Here, try some.” 

Thomas saw his friends eye them from across the table before he fixated his gaze on the lump of meat in a red sauce. For a moment he considered what would happen if he died eating it, but then Newt was gesturing for him to try it again and he was leaning forward to eat from his spoon. He pulled back with wide eyes, and Newt watched him expectantly with a hand propped up under his chin. 

“Oh,” Thomas said,” that is good.” 

Newt chuckled,” I know right.” 

Brenda made a face at the obvious proximity of her friends, but she turned abruptly to look towards Minho as an out, "Anyways, how are things at work?” 

"Same old, same old,” Minho said, seemingly un-bothered by the flirtations happening across the table, that or he’d been too into his meal to notice. He wiped his face with the set napkin and shrugged a little,” Karens keep calling me the devil's painter." 

"That's kind of badass,” Gally leaned forward with a smirk,” The Devil's painter. Babe, you sound like a rock band." 

Brenda turned with a challenging glint to her gaze, "Should I tell him what I heard people call you at the gym?" 

Thomas could only imagine what exactly they called him to make his shoulders slump and his eyes bug out of his head, "That's really not fair." He narrowed his gaze at her, even as she watched him with a loving tone to her teasing question. _Geez_ , Thomas thought _, the three knew how to flirt at dinner._

Into their meal, a short haired woman stopped by their table in uniform, outstretching a folded paper to Thomas, who took a moment to realize it was for him. He reached for the item with furrowed brows, and she smiled a little with a libidinous arch to her body,” My name is Courtney, “ she informed in a whisper. 

“Oh,” Thomas unfolded the paper to see the beginning of a number in pen,” It’s very nice to meet you Courtney.” He wasn’t sure what one said when a waitress dropped such obvious hints. She didn’t give him time to even speak his own name before she was sending him a wink and moving forward to tend to her actual tables. 

Newt snorted,” Can you spell desperate?” 

“Hm?” Gally asked, something unreadable in his gaze, but knowing, nonetheless. He hid a smirk behind his fist as Newt shifted uncomfortably. 

"I just mean that it's rather petty of anyone to prance about with obvious eyes and leave a phone number to a complete stranger based on physical appearance,” Newt explained with a shrug. 

Thomas tilted his head,” You think she thinks I’m hot?” 

“Oh, bugger off,” Newt said with red cheeks, and he moved to fetch himself some more bread from the center basket. 

Gally stifled a chuckle, nudging Minho from his seat, "His accent really comes out when he's mad." 

"I am not mad,” Newt insisted,” I'm simply stating an opinion." 

Thomas leaned back in his chair, discarding the number along with his left over food he’d long finished with. He offered Newt up a small sigh, "Newt's right.” Everyone looked to him, and he shrugged with reason,” Any sensible person would have enough of a gaydar to realize I'm really freaking gay." 

Newt laughed into the cup he’d began to sip, his head shaking. 

“What?” Thomas asked. 

“You’re just a dork.” He didn’t miss the way his tone filled with an old fondness; one Thomas found he really had missed. 

The night was more than amazing. Thomas was riding another emotional high, and even if it wasn’t an official date, it certainly began to feel like one as they all led out to the parking lot towards Gally’s car. They strayed for a moment, because Thomas wasn’t ready for it to end just yet, and the way the moon drenched the cobblestone patio and it’s blooming crimson roses- it was more than perfect. 

“I had a lot of fun,” Newt said, walking at his side away from their group. 

“Me too,” Thomas whispered, and a small smile curled along his lips,” I even got a chic’s number.” 

Newt rolled his eyes at this, his arm brushing up against his,” Was that the highlight of your night then?” He lifted his head to peer at Thomas, and for a single moment, he almost convinced himself that it was just them. Together. No strife. 

“No,” Thomas answered looking back,” the highlight of my night was watching you get jealous.” 

"Thomas-" 

He couldn’t mess this up, but his words felt so wrong remaining where they clawed in his throat, begging his being to allow them into existence. He stopped walking for a moment and eyed Newt with just as much humanity his music had inspired, "I respect the fact you're in a relationship.” He found he could not look away from the blonde, even as hard as the words that followed were,” I know you're still in love with me just as much I'm in love with you, but I can be patient when it's important." 

Newt pushed away from him, "How can you say things like that so easily? Like you don't have a care in the world what it means to someone else?" 

Thomas tried to keep the longing from evading his features, even if he’d already given it away, "What does it mean to you?" 

Newt took a moment to think, and he trailed forward to stare at the night sky they had once shared whispered words and deep touches under. It was the same sky that Thomas had lost him to, the same sky that had watched him break under the pressure, and now it watched the hesitant sway of their souls in the frigid expansion of space. "That I'm with a really good guy, and you're asking me to break his heart right after you broke mine," Newt whispered.

The words hit hard. 

"Newt, I didn't see it that way..."

All figment of amusement and pleasant words escaped into the air as something sad took it’s place. He didn’t sound accusatory speaking his truth, and for some reason that made it harder to hear, how Thomas had made him feel. 

"When you told me you didn't want to get better, I knew holding on would only hurt more. I didn't want to be with anyone, but he just- he helped me,” Newt said, and for a moment he seemed to plead with his eyes for some sort of understanding,” He brought me back to a place where life made sense, and it wasn't do this or die. I tried to wait Thomas, but you didn't call or- even want me to visit." 

It hurt, but it was the truth. Thomas had hurt him, and for some reason he hadn’t even considered this was why Newt had been so angry. He’d known, but he hadn’t really ever put too much thought into what exactly it had been like on the other side. He’d been selfish again. 

"You guys coming?" Minho called from across the lot. Thomas ignored them for a moment to stand before Newt. 

"Are you happy?" 

"What?" Newt asked. 

"Newt,” Thomas stepped closer, trying to read any place in his eyes that may convey more truth as he repeated the question," are you happy?” 

And then Newt looked at him, with such sad and desperate eyes that Thomas couldn’t bare the answer,” I don’t know what I am.” 


	35. Uh Oh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So OKAY BARE WITH ME
> 
> My mom and my baby brother are finally coming to see me for my birthday. I'll have another update (ha maybe even more than one tonight or tomorrow) but Saturday- Sunday I'll be spending time with them
> 
> I'll definitely post after the weekend but wanted to give a heads up 
> 
> I'm seriously so excited that I told a customer at work I loved them instead of have a nice day.

Newt was torn. His hands pushed through his hair, and he took in a deep breath as he laid back against his comforter. The air was turned on, but even then he felt unbearably hot. He'd been languid the past week, thoughts back and forth penetrating any sanity he had left. He hadn't a single moment when Thomas hadn't been on his mind, some more frantic and angrier than others- and a few in the private moments of the night, when his hand mimicked what he wanted the man to do. He'd end up gasping into his sheets, fingers clenching tight through his release until he could feel nothing but the desperate need to be held.

Now, it was more so anger.

"I just don't know what to do about this," he said aloud," have you forgiven him?"

Winston rested on the other side of his bed, phone held up to his face as he read through an article about gardening or something of the sorts. He lifted his head a little and shrugged in response," Yeah, I mean he used to be pretty bad. I held a grudge for a while for making me suck dudes off for our meth, but that wasn't all his fault. We screwed each other over back and forth." When he noticed Newt had went silent, he moved to lie on his stomach," What?"

"I want to forgive him," Newt said, picking at the hole in Thomas' shirt he wore," but if I do that I'll end up doing something stupid like sleep with the guy."

"Doesn't seem stupid to me," Winston said, finishing off a text that had appeared from Jeff. He bit back a smile as wrote a few emojis, because he'd only recently found out what they were.

"I'm in a relationship," Newt reminded.

A sigh escaped Winston's lips as he sat up to face Newt directly, as if his next words didn't hold enough power. "But you're in love with Thomas."

"Doesn't matter." It didn't. In the scheme of things, one could be in love with anyone, but the toxicity in which they held their embrace could mean turmoil for everyone involved. He wanted to voice his reason, but Winston was far more inquisitive than he first seemed. 

"You're angry because he hurt you, but I forgave him because I know why," he put his phone down onto the bed," He wasn't himself. Sometimes you get hurt so bad that you never want to feel again... I think the same reason he started getting high, was the same reason I did."

Newt furrowed his brows," What does that mean? Why exactly did you two start getting high?"

“He never told me anything about it. I just," Winston took in a deep breath, his hand coming to rest against his own knee tight," I saw the way he was with his dad, and the way I was with my uncle. It was the little hints. Meeting me with bruises, not wanting to be touched, that look he’d get in his eyes was the exact same look I used to stare at myself in the mirror with. It’s like we both were slowly dying in the hands of monsters and getting high just gave us this immense power where we could do anything." He looked away from Newt and stared off towards the wall with something distant set in his gaze," Meth made us want it, so when we fell from that high, we had the guilt of what we allowed... I mean, I did anyways. Like I said, Thomas never told me specifics.” 

Newt's eyes widened, his hand outstretching to touch Winston's arm," I never knew. I'm sorry I made you speak of it."

"It's okay. It took me a while to learn, but I know what happened to me wasn't my fault, and I know that one day Thomas will be okay with himself too." Winston lifted his head to give Newt a soft smile, though there were years of torn cities, cascaded by the wrath of a war he had been forced to take part of set into his gaze like a permanent fire. Newt hated it, that he had seen that same look in Thomas. They were like soldiers, holding the weight of their tortured souls, never to be given the innocence back.

"Come here," Newt pulled him into a hug, and he found Winston immediately threw his arms out to share the embrace. "You're pretty amazing, you know that? You've done really well with everything. I wish I had your strength."

Winston pulled back with a tilt of the head," You want my strength so you can sleep with Thomas and break up with Ben?"

Newt stared forward with a deep breath," By the heavens, I need a drink."  
  
  
  
Thomas rubbed his hands together, leaning halfway out of his seat as he tried to consider the words he used quite carefully. Not that it mattered when he was actually speaking in front of them. A meeting was meant to cover all the bullshit that may escape someone's mouth. It was like therapy, if your therapists were twenty other addicts who had most likely went to prison and an insane asylum while they prescribed themselves their own meds. He bit his lip and decided he might just have to go with the bullshit. "Thomas, addict," he said with a tired sigh.

An echo of his name in acknowledgement went around the room, and he leaned back in the sturdy chair to began his share. "Um... so being clean is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I think when I'm okay I can forget I ever had the urge to use, but then I get those nights when I'm alone and I just can't stop thinking."   
  
A few fellow addicts nodded with understanding.  
  
"I don't know what scares me more, my memories of the past or the person I become when I run away from them. Shit, I just feel like even when I'm not using, I'm still finding a way to run away. My ex turned me down, so I ate like an entire pantry of food and binged some shitty show off Netflix. I also just got rejected for a job, so now I'm probably going to get some food or have sex with the first person that asks."  
  
Frypan's eyes widened as he leaned forward with concern.  
  
"Point is, I always seem to need a way to change how I feel," Thomas sighed," I just wish that I knew how to deal with my emotions without going psychotic. Yeah," he nodded a little and stared towards the wall where names were printed up with clean dates," thanks for letting me share."  
  
"Thanks for sharing," echoed out into the room, and for the rest of the meeting Thomas tried to think about anything else other than the fact he was pretty sure Theresa was going to ask to sleep with him. Right after the meeting he stood up, did the little huddle, and hightailed it towards Frypan where he was safe.

"You need to find a hobby," Fry said, as soon as he even made his presence beside him clear. He was getting some more of the coffee, downing it in packets of sugar," Like a sport or... anything that's not sex."

"Yeah," Thomas said, scratching his neck," I guess..."

"And about that job," Frypan said with an affectionate grin," Think I have a friend who can help you out."

"Oh?"

He pushed a hand to Thomas' shoulders," Come on, I'll give him a call."

Winston had his own issues involving relationships, though he hadn't even been aware there was an issue until he'd strolled into a meeting and stopped at the sight of Jeff with a woman. She was gorgeous, dark red hair falling past her shoulders, eyeliner fit for a queen with a purse that had to be worth more than his entire life. He tilted his head with furrowed brows as he took a step closer to hear some of their conversation.

"Fuck you, it's your weekend," she said, her fingers clenching against the bag. "Why did you even try to fight me on this?"

"I told you," Jeff said, frustration obvious in his tone," I have plans. Just switch with me, it's not that hard."

The meeting had yet to begin, but some people made it obvious they were listening in as if it was an ordinary share. The woman turned, and Winston stopped a little when he saw a small child in a onesie, sucking on a pacifier as his mother told his boyfriend off. "I have plans, Jeff. Step up for once, he's your kid too." She pushed the child over and Jeff let out a low curse, but she was already turning to walk away with an obvious strut.

Winston's eyes widened," You have a kid?"

Jeff turned around in shock, obviously having not realized he'd be at the noon meeting. He didn't normally come, but now he was pretty glad he had.

Winston crossed his arms with a narrowed gaze. Why was he surprised again? Addicts lied, and just because they were clean didn't mean they'd suddenly found the decency to be honest. The kid started getting fussy, throwing an arm out as Jeff struggled to make contact with Winston's gaze. He clearly wasn't sure how to soothe him, so Winston moved forward and held out his arms," Here, I used to take care of my cousins. That's a poop cry."

"Please don't hate me," Jeff said as he took the baby.

Winston considered it, but then he was taken by the sudden stench. Yep, definitely a poop cry.

Yes, a day later, due to his amazing, absolute godsend of a sponsor, Thomas had a job. It was at a small gas station, the kind people didn't let their kids venture into alone. It wasn't a bad place, the owner was a recovering addict of thirteen years, so he knew he could trust him. He worked alongside his daughter, who was beautiful by comparison to the older, heavier boss. Thomas watched her stock some inventory with a fist propped up under his chin, only because he was beginning to wonder why she kept putting the Lays by the Doritos. There was a whole other section for them, so it would just make sense to have them in order.

"You see my daughter," the man said, surprising Thomas when he appeared at his side.

He cleared his throat and tried to straighten up, "Yes?"

The man lifted his chin with a deadly scowl, "Hands off. I'll chop you to tiny bits until you're small enough to feed my new puppy."

"What kind of puppy?" Thomas asked, and he realized then he was supposed to be more focused on the threat. He pursed his lips with a nod and looked towards the door instead," Yes. No, I mean. I mean yes, I will behave and not touch your daughter. At all. I won't even look at her. I'll be looking at the door the ent- oh, that's my ex."

He trailed off when he saw the blonde opening the glass door, and the man immediately sighed in near relief. "Never mind," he said," I'm going to lunch."

Thomas, who was a little surprised that Newt had even showed after learning of his new career focus, tried to find a greeting that would fit the whole situation. A simple hi seemed weak, so he went for complete silence. Newt stopped at the register and cleared his throat," What time do you get off?"

"Um," Thomas looked towards the clock," Seven."

"Meet me at my apartment," Newt said, which completely threw Thomas off. 

"Oh-"

"Just do it," Newt said, and he put a five on the counter and gestured to the gas pumps," I'm on six. See you later then."

The blonde beauty left Thomas in complete disarray.

Newt had lunch with his father, who had been quite more helpful that past few months than he'd thought possible for the man. It was nice, reconsolidating the bond they'd had when he'd been just a kid. They left the golf talk long ago, and now Newt often went off on a monologue about his issues in hopes he'd be given advice that didn't just end with "sleep with Thomas. Break up with Ben." It was ridiculous how all his friends shared the same brain cell.

Brenda had made some sense, but even then she'd asked him why he was stringing it along if he was clearly not happy. Overall, they'd been unhelpful.

"Listen, Newt," Vince dropped his fork into his salad," as a father, I would much rather you be with a cop than go back to your ex that just got out of rehab. I mean, it makes sense."

Of course it did.

"But-" oh, the but," I also know that you want to be with him, and that you were really happy when you two were a thing. I think if he says he wants to get better, than it's your choice to believe him or not. Don't lie to yourself though, that never works. Your mother and I tried it... And now she's in Europe."

"She is?"

Vince shrugged," I don't know. She hasn't called me since the divorce." Newt would keep quiet about her entirely new family. That one had hurt.

Newt sighed in frustration as he forgot about his own meal. What was he to say to that? Even his own dad was telling him to make his own decisions. How could he though with such pressure?

"I invited him over," Newt said after a moment," I think I'll know what to do then. If I have to break off any chance of us ever being a thing, I'll know how to do it. I just... I have to break someone's heart, right?"

Vince frowned," You don't have to break your own, Newt." And for some reason, that really had Newt thinking.

Jeff moved from the bedroom as soon as Kaidyn fell into a soft slumber. Winston was curled up on the couch with a blanket, watching something about zombies on his flat screen television. He moved to sit beside him, an awful silence spreading throughout the room. Winston turned slightly with a scowl, because he wouldn't be the first to bring up the elephant in the room. Or child, for that matter.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked, finally.

"Mad? I'm used to men lying to me," Winston shrugged a little as he continued to stare forward.

Jeff reached down to take Winston's hand, and he struggled with remaining still at the feeling of his thumb brushing gently against his skin. "I was going to tell you, but I didn't want to ruin anything. A kid's a big deal."

Winston turned with a narrowed gaze," I know it's a big deal, that's why you should have told me."

And then, silence again.

Winston pulled his hand away and moved to stand from the couch to gather his shoes from the door," You know, I'm not even mad. I'm just tired. Every time I like a guy they have some secret life where I can't know about it because they think I'm not understanding or- or I don't know, mature enough."

"You are plenty mature," Jeff said, who followed him to the door as he struggled with his shoe laces.

"You know," Winston lifted his head with a glare," I like you a lot. You really helped me out of my addiction, but that doesn't mean I'm dependent on you. I can walk out and be fine without you, so-" he finally shoved his foot into the shoe, despite the fact his laces kept getting tangled," Just remember that."

Jeff pushed a hand out to the door, and out of habit Winston winced at the sound it made. Jeff, who'd paid attention to a lot of his movements, let his hand drop with an apologetic expression," I'm sorry. I just don't want this to ruin things. I can tell you anything you want to know. No secrets, I'm an open book."

"Promise?" Winston asked, his chin lifting as his gaze softened at the sight of truth. Jeff had honest eyes, and he didn't seem like a man that would outright lie. He just... hadn't bothered telling him.

"I promise," he said in a gentle voice, and his hand felt so right cupping Winston's cheek, that he had to remind himself he was still supposed to be upset. He pushed forward though and pressed a kiss to his lips, a smile growing right after.

"Good," Winston whispered," I really like kids by the way."

Newt opened the door to the apartment nearly the moment a knock had even been registered to the outside world. He hadn't been pacing, but he'd definitely been hanging around the door as the clock passed the designated time. His gaze landed on the nervous man, parts of his hair brushed back like he'd been fussing with it on the way over. Newt was taken suddenly, by the absolute beauty Thomas had.

He remembered Winston's words, and wondered how even through everything he could still smile like the world was naturally good. He wasn't an angry man, but one that fed ducks at the pond and cooed at small kittens, a man that always managed to see the good in people despite every bad one out there. There was a lot, Newt thought, and yet Thomas stood to brace the world with open arms. His soul, as tarnished as the drugs had convinced him it was, must have been lined with a golden hue.

Thomas stepped into the apartment, making a soft popping noise out of nervous habit," It was pretty awkward explaining to Minho why I needed a ride over here."

"What did you say?" Newt asked, moving to close the door behind him. He latched the lock, just in case, and turned to see Thomas stood with uncertainty. He was always cute nervous, but Newt didn't feel any desire to point it out. This was hard enough already for him.

"That I had no idea why I was being invited over here."

Newt pursed his lips for a moment. Of course, he was confused. Newt hadn't given him much to go on. Before he could even speak, Thomas stepped forward and let out a rough breath he'd been holding," You had me come over to break things off. That's why you look scared-" his voice came out so weak," You're afraid of hurting me. I-I know he's a better man than me, I know that. I know that I hurt you. The moment you met me, I knew I wasn't ever going to be good enough. I'm lucky to even have had a momen-" Thomas was met with a sudden kiss, one that Newt pressed gently into his lips, as soft as his spoken words.

"You talk a lot," Newt whispered and when he pulled away he saw the confusion morph Thomas' features. His fingers danced across the nape of his neck before they tugged gently on strands of his hair. He hoped his eyes conveyed this is what he wanted, that talking would only prolong the moments he needed to enact.

Thomas, for a moment, took the time to read his gaze- and then he was moving a hand to his cheek and they were parting each other's lips in a frenzy of desire that escaped in waves. Newt pushed his entire body forward, desperate for more of his heat, begging him with his hands for Thomas to touch him. His energy was met with ease, and suddenly they were rushing for more depth as if any moment they could be parted forever.

The surge of desperate hands fumbled with the fabric of shirts, their bodies unwilling to part for even a moment between rough and carnal kisses. Thomas' tongue slid across his bottom lip, and with a soft gasp he admitted entrance to share their rising warmth. The bedroom wasn't close enough, but he allowed his body to be handled by Thomas' firm hands until his back was pushing the door open and he could smell the reminisce of a spring candle. He threw his head back when lips caressed the sensitive arch of his neck, his fingers grazing the bottom of Thomas' belt with a dire need. "Tommy," he pleaded, and before he could outright speak his needs, Thomas was pulling back to kick off his shoes, near tripping on the hamper with a start.

Newt bit back a chuckle, heat rising in his face at the jubilant nature of his lover," I'm sorry," he said, but Thomas was already moving for his belt with soft laughter. It filled the room with something familiar, something that eased his nerves about their current actions.

"I'm trying to seduce you," Thomas said, and the belt clang against the dresser when he finished pulling it from the loop of his jeans. 

"Consider me seduced," Newt whispered, just as Thomas reached to pull him in by the waist. His fingers grasped the muscle of his arm to steady himself, because the heavens knew he needed it. Another shared kiss, and Thomas was pushing his hand into his pants to run his fingers down his ass where he gripped him gently. It had a soft noise emanating from Newt's lips, followed by a gasp when he felt the tip of his finger circle his rim.

"Ah," Newt clung to Thomas' shoulder, but Thomas certainly knew how to tease. He raised his lover's shirt and pressed tender kisses along his chest while his finger continued to run soft circles, only ever diving forward when Newt could barely keep still. "Please," Newt mustered, and he pulled Thomas in towards the bed where he fell back with a gentle aid. 

Thomas got rid of his shirt before moving to undress Newt with careful precision. As rushed as their earlier kisses had been, he mapped out Newt's body like an artist painting every tiny detail of the rising sun. 

His lips grazed his nipple, teeth gently playing as Newt found strands of his hair to pull with a gasp," Tommy, I need you." His voice echoed into the room, and Thomas let out a soft moan in response as he began to pull down Newt's jeans. Newt found every moment he remained untouched was only another method of torture, though his suffering ended quite soon. His bare legs spread out, his underwear being tossed aside by a man with a passionate gaze.

It had been too long. He was high off the endorphins as he felt Thomas' hands part his thighs to give him room, even higher when Thomas took his time admiring the view before reaching for the lube in the bed side drawer. "So pretty baby," his words reached out to Newt, causing a horrible heat to rise in his stomach as he shifted on the bed. 

"Please," Newt whispered again, and he raised his hips as Thomas' hands pushed down on his waist. A small smirk was present on his lover's lips as he rubbed himself down with a generous amount. Newt didn't want to say he'd be okay, that he'd had sex quite recently- because then it would take away from the moment. And this moment was absolutely precious to him.

Thomas moved for another kiss, one met as a distraction when the head of his member smeared it's precum and pushed into Newt, who was gasping at the sudden heat. He'd never felt so good just being filled without movement, and he knew it was because it was Thomas. Thomas made him feel things he'd never experienced with anyone else. It was the thought, that as his body pulled him in further they were one for a moment. They were connected.

Newt drug his fingernails into his back as his legs parted further and Thomas had a moment where a hand came up to clench against the sheets. The sharp pain of being stretched soon faded into a hot euphoria when he was filled completely- and Thomas took his time, slow kisses of promises to be gentle, and then the soft gasp as he pulled back only to thrust into him.

It was all the words they could not say. The roll of Thomas' hips and the way Newt clenched around him spoke of the dependency in which they'd formed, their gasps between kisses spoke of the longing, and the way Thomas intertwined their fingers above Newt's head spoke of the love that remained. In the midst of their embrace, they no longer had to worry about the world, even if only for the moments they spent being vulnerable.

Newt's thighs tightened around Thomas' waist when his sudden high reached its climax. He cried out Thomas' name and felt the sudden strings of cum fill him, his legs shaking as he reached down to touch himself, only for Thomas to push forward and stroke him to his end. They were breathless, their bodies weak as they found each other again. Thomas near toppled down on top of him, but he turned to the side with a heavy breath," Come here," he said between his chest rising frantic, his arm outstretched to pull Newt closer.

Newt turned to rest his head on his shoulder with a soft chuckle," I told myself I wouldn't do that, but then I had you here... And you were rambling and I just-" he smiled into his skin and lifted his head," I miss you."

"I miss you too, Newt," the words were spoken with such care, that Newt had to lean over to kiss him again even as his energy was drained completely. Thomas pushed his hand through his hair," I don't think I could ever move on from you. You're everything to me..."

"Tommy..." He whispered.

"Hm?" His fingers caressed the side of his cheek, looking absolutely sedated with his past euphoria.

"I want this. I want us," he said," I just need time."

"Whatever you need," Thomas said, unwilling to break his gaze," I'll do whatever you want."

Newt took in a deep breath and nodded gently, even as the guilt filled him for what he'd be doing. Breaking another heart, for the sake of his own happiness... He could do it though, when Thomas looked at him like that, he knew he could do anything.

Gally pushed his head into Minho's shoulder before pressing a kiss to his skin," How about we watch a porno? The kind Brenda doesn't like." She'd been out for the night, but that didn't mean they couldn't keep each other entertained. Gally ran his fingers along his thigh and smirked," Or we could do that thing you're too afraid to ask for."

Minho rolled his eyes," I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh," Gally said while leaning forward to whisper," you know exactly what I mean."

He didn't have enough time to witness the red of Minho's cheeks before there was a knock at the door. With a frustrated sigh he jumped up, hoping it was their girlfriend instead of the neighbor complaining about the mail not running. Like it was their fucking fault. He left the couch and pulled the door open- his eyes widening with confusion.

"It's a little late for cookie sales," he said.

Two boys stood at their door. They looked eleven maybe, he wasn't sure. He didn't really like kids. The one with thick glasses stared forward with a determined glint," This is apartment #56?"

Gally raised a brow and was going to turn to call Minho over when the curly haired one spoke up," He asked you a question, you jerk!"

"Um- Minho! There's some freaking midgets at your door!"

Minho came forward with a chuckle, and as soon as he noticed the boys his entire being froze in the middle of the doorway. "Fuck... Johnny, what are you doing here?"

"Who?" Gally asked.

Minho pointed to the one with glasses," That's Thomas' brother."

And Gally took a moment to actually register what it might mean for the kid to be at their door. And then it hit him. His eyes widened and he mustered an," Oh shit."


	36. Angst is my middle name, but some people call me fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnnd the only way to get through a family dinner on my dad's side is to keep a glass of wine in hand
> 
> I hope everyone has an amazing night. Regardless of how your family is, at least you're awesome. We can be awesome together, screw the rest of that

You know that moment, the one where you feel really damn happy, like not a single thing could happen to take the sudden inner peace you've found- multiple that by the literal gates of heaven, and you'd manage to get a miniscule speck of how Newt felt being with Thomas. They lounged in bed all night, unable to sleep off the elation of their embrace. He trailed his fingers down Thomas' chest where he wore his mother's ring on a chain. "I don't want to ever leave this bed," he whispered.

Thomas hadn't let his gaze stray, and now he leaned forward to nestle his face into the arch of Newt's neck for a sweet kiss. "Then don't." As impractical as the thought was, it was a tempting one. 

His phone vibrated on the bed side table, and just an hour previous Thomas had received a call from Minho. They'd decided to ignore everyone, for the outside world was the executioner of bliss. " Bloody hell, the moment we sleep together is the moment I become popular." He stretched out to silence his phone, his eyes widening for a fraction in response to the contact. Of course. He brought the comforter up to his shoulders with a soft sigh," I'm a horrible person."

"The sooner you break it off, the easier it'll be in the long run," Thomas said, and he reached his arm out to lie it along his waist.

"Of course you'd say that," Newt responded, half turned to eye him," you haven't heard him go on about how happy he is or how much his mother will love me-"

"I'm sorry," Thomas whispered, planting another kiss to his shoulder." I'm not rushing you, Newt. It's just hard imagining you even being with the guy, and after this... "

"I'm breaking it off tomorrow," Newt informed and then he saw the break of light in the curtain," Or uh, today I guess. Is it really already morning?"

He had a moment to pity himself for the lack of warmth he'd soon face when Thomas shifted in bed to hover over him. He pulled the comforter down, and Newt raised a brow as his hand moved to grasp Thomas' arm," Again?" Though, he wasn't answered with words. Thomas, as surprising as ever, lowered down off the mattress to kiss along his thigh, biting gently as the most sinful of distractions before lifting one leg over his shoulder. Newt's eyes widened as a gasp escaped, for the temptation of a skilled tongue was more than enough to get him ready for the fourth release of the night. Or day, he couldn't be too sure of time anymore.

  
  
"Why didn't we just go to Newt's if that's where Thomas is?" Gally asked with an incredulous gesture towards the two boys on their couch. They'd been up all night eating their food and playing their video games.

Minho slouched back with a sigh before whispering," Because Gal, they were alone all night."

"Oh," Gally said with a sigh," Well fucking finally."   
  
Johnny nudged his friend as he finished shooting a zombie," I have these bitches in a bag," he said, and Minho raised a brow at the curse. Not only was he hiding runaways, but now he was letting them play a violent game while using language his mother would once use soap to rinse from his mouth. Altogether, the day had started off quite in a hectic haze.

"Hey Chuck, we should penetrate the center mark," Johnny pushed a thumb to his controller and hit a few buttons to send some zombie's head flying off," If we use the last base then they're going to assume we have men on our side, so if we connect back to the captain and use the radiation we could probably grow two heads to convince them were zombies."

Minho's eyes widened, "What?" 

Gally leaned forward on the couch, watching the game with a sly smirk, "If you do that then your own men will think you've changed. You'll be under fire."

"Not if we use the third base," Johnny informed with a roll of the eyes," We created a strict code for camo at the beginning of the game." 

Minho, who'd watched the start of the match with uncertainty in his gaze, leaned to Gally's side to whisper low, "What in the hell are you guys talking about?"

He'd thought that video games after six hours would bore them, but here they were playing like their life depended on it. He didn't even use half his equipment, but Gally had insisted an xbox was a dire need for an apartment. Minho had had it for three months and still hadn't actually learned how to play any games. At least it was getting some use now.

Johnny finished murdering four zombies and turned a little," Are you two married?"

"Wh- no." Minho mustered with horror, and after a look from Gally he shrugged helplessly, "I mean we're not."

"Don't sound so against it," Gally muttered.

Chuck nudged his friend with a snicker, "How come you thought they were married?"

"Look how close they sit," Johnny whispered, loud enough that Gally and Minho looked at where they were sitting. Out of habit, Minho had thrown an arm across his shoulders- and now he slowly stretched to pull it back with a forced yawn.

Newt leaned forward for a kiss, and Ben smiled affectionately as they both took a seat at the table outside the little cafe. It was a warm day, though Newt felt a horrid guilt swell in his chest as he moved for his tea. Ben looked stunning, and in a different life he thought maybe they could have worked. There was nothing wrong with him, except for the mistake he'd made falling for Newt. With a soft sigh, he pushed his tea away," They let you take a break?"

Ben chuckled a little, having just stopped by with his patrol car parked by the street," No, but my radios on. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You didn't answer any of my calls."

Newt averted his gaze, because how did one begin to even start willingly breaking someone's heart? There was no right way, but it had to be done. He stretched a little and tried to find the strength in the memories of that night, when he'd been so certain he could do it. Thomas, he reminded himself, was his. He could do this. He could inflict pain if it meant stopping what would only end in longer suffering.

"Ben, we need to talk," Newt said, and even those words barely came out.

Ben furrowed his brows and reached out to take his hand," Is everything okay?"

"I just-"

"We need an officer by Glendale and Stevens St. We've got a 10-51. Over."

Ben sighed with impatience, though he offered Newt an apologetic smile before raising his radio," #23 by Loyd Avenue, reporting." He attached it to his side and stood from his seat," I'll come over tonight. We can talk then." He leaned in to kiss Newt on the head before he squeezed his shoulder. It was horrible watching him walk away, knowing he'd have to start all over again.

He threw his head into his hands and muttered, not for the first time," I am a horrible human being."

Thomas didn't know what to expect going home. He opened the door to his apartment expecting there to be fire or maybe a wild dog. Minho had called him three times, and he knew he'd been with Newt- so if it wasn't important then he was going to- he froze with his thoughts as his gaze met the two boys playing with the console. _Oh. What_?

And then the boy with thick glasses turned and rushed forward suddenly to stand in front of him abruptly. It had him caught off guard until he saw his face more clearly. It'd been six or seven years, but he knew that face anywhere. His eyes widened as he near choked," Johnny?! Oh my god, what are you doing here?"

"Chuck and I ran away," Johnny informed, and he gestured to his friend who lifted a hand to wave," Our foster mom is the devil!"

Chuck nodded in agreement, half mumbling as he continued fighting weird toxic looking soldiers, "She takes our phone away every night and makes us eat vegetables."

His brother frowned with great distaste, "It's disgusting." Thomas' silence followed Gally's and Minho's helpless demeanors. He wasn't even sure where to start, but then Johnny was tugging on his arm to get his attention," We came here to live with you."

It wasn't that he wasn't excited, he was. Thomas hadn't seen his brother in so long that having him there now almost brought him to tears. All of his past mistakes, in one way or another, had affected him. It was hard not remembering the moments now.

 _Thomas shoved his bottle of liquor into the middle console, music blasting in his mother's car just a few feet from the main entrance of the school. She'd been rather ill that morning, and his dad wasn't ever going to show up for some early dismissal because of a stomach ache. It had been the beginning of his downfall, when drinks were too easy to get for a teenage boy._ _He shoved his sunglasses on and sauntered towards the doors with the keys in his hand, and as soon as he made it to the counter he pushed a hand up under his chin with a sly smirk._

_"I woulda like to... Um, my brother is here."_

_"I'm sorry?" The front desk chic batted her lashes at him with a scowl," You have to speak up."_

_"He's in the Pre-K thing, god woman can you just help me out," he shrugged a little helplessly and swayed on his feet._

_Her eyes widened as she looked him over, and her hand outstretched for the phone," I'm sorry you're going to have to take a seat."_

_His gaze narrowed as he watched her expression change from annoyed to stricken with worry. He pushed a hand off the counter and turned around to the row of seats. He wondered if she could smell the alcohol that tainted his being, only for a moment before he decided the tiles of the floor were moving too quick to his liking. He remembered finding the closest trash can, drowning it in the reminisce of cereal and booze._

_"Bubba?" Wide eyes struck him, a little hand reaching the seat," Are you sick too?"_

_"Shush," Thomas whispered, and he turned to raise a hand to point at the woman of the counter," I deserve to be loved too, you ungrateful bitch!" And then he threw up again, all over the tiled floors and his brother's shoes._

_Thomas let out a rough breath and wiped his mouth with his sleeve, just as the woman ushered to the back. He remembered quite well, the way security held him off for questioning, and then later CPS barging through the facade of a family. It was his fault his father first started hating them. That day had just been the start._

And now, there he was. He'd grown a lot, but Thomas still saw the tiny boy who'd stared at him with fear for his well being. He lowered down to his level and reached for his arm with a soft sigh before thinking twice about invading his personal space; though he kept his gaze, "I don't even have my own place."

Johnny frowned, his fingers tapping against his thigh out of a nervous habit, "We can take your bed and you can sleep on the couch."

"It's not that simple-"

"Why?" Johnny said, raising his voice," Because you still do drugs?"

And the entire world could have fallen, and those words would have still caused more pain. He bit his lip, and noticed the way Gally and Minho stayed feet away. Even Chuck had went silent, it was enough his weak words were somehow heard," Who..." He pursed his lips," Who told you I did drugs?"

"I called dad asking if I could come live with you guys, because I thought you moved in with him. He said I wasn't allowed to see you cause you did drugs, and he said I couldn't live with him because he lives in a car," Johnny explained, his fingers racing against his jeans as his shoulder jerked. This time, he didn't see the way Gally and Minho shared a look in response.

"Johnny," Thomas said," I was sick. I did a lot of bad stuff, but I'm not like that anymore. Even so.." he looked around the apartment," I wouldn't be able to support you and your foster parents are probably really worried right now. You should let me call them, so they know you're okay."

"No!" Johnny yelled, his face going red," I thought you'd be happy but here you are trying to get rid of me. You're just as bad as dad!"

Before Thomas could even muster another response, Chuck was moving to grab a wad of cash from his backpack, holding it up with wide eyes, "I have money. I can support us."

"There is a legal issue here," Minho told the boys with crossed arms," Thomas will get in trouble if he doesn't call your parents. We all will. Do you want us to get in trouble?"

"No," Johnny said. Thomas hated the way he looked then, like he had so many times he'd been disappointed by life and it's horrid way of treating the innocent. He had a lot of amends to make, and one of his biggest was the way he'd left his brother. Could he leave him now? Again?

Winston slid back into the covers to get warm, his eyes scanning the numbers on the television with a sigh. He couldn't find a decent channel, so he turned to Jeff who was readjusting his watch at the side of the bed. He reached forward to trail his finger down his back with a soft smirk," If you didn't have to bring Kaidyn back, then we'd have more time to keep going."

"Please, you just like spending time with the kid," Jeff said, turning around to admire the beauty. Winston was smaller than most men, but a slight muscle was beginning to build up in his arms and torso. It was fun helping him work out every so often, didn't even have to find a gym.

Just as Winston lifted himself the phone on the bed vibrated to life. He reached to hand it to Jeff when he saw the contact name and froze," Alby," he whispered, and then his eyes widened," Why is Alby calling you?" He pushed the sheets off himself and moved back to the wall with a rough breath," Why?!"

"Winston, calm down," Jeff said, and he slowly reached for his phone to ignore the call," What's the issue?"

"Alby's calling you!" His chest began to rise with sudden harsh breaths, and he shook his head in response," I'm not stupid. Did you get with me to keep tabs on someone?" It had to be. Why else would a man like Jeff ever wish to be seen with him?

"What?" Jeff stood up and eyed him with concern, disbelief evident in his tone," What in the hell are you talking about? Alby came to a meeting and got a phone number. He stayed like five minutes freaking out about something. He said he wanted change- I've been helping him."

"Alby?" Winston laughed out loud, but it didn't hold any humor," He was my meth dealer. He's the one who had me beat, he's the one who-" he closed his eyes and shook his head again. He couldn't do this.

"Winston look at me," Jeff trailed forward to grasp his shoulders, pleading with his eyes. When Winston opened his, he found that he trusted the man, even if everything felt so hectic around him. He wanted to trust Jeff. Even if his body felt sick, and his hands remained trembling at his side, he trusted him. 

"When he came to the group, he was besides himself," Jeff explained," He was on some hard shit and he just... He didn't look okay. I did what I thought was right, another addict helping another addict."

Winston sniffled, and spoke in a soft voice "He's lying. He doesn't want to get better."

"How do we know that? Someone could easily say that about any of us." And he had a good point, but even so Winston had a bad feeling, it was the same feeling he'd had before Thomas had gotten shot. He knew it was useless arguing against it, but deep in his being he was preparing for the worst.

Newt hurried over as soon as he could, not that he'd been doing anything else. Ben had left and in return he had a horrid feeling left over that would last as long as the lies. He cleared his throat upon the door opening and stepped in to see Minho looking quite besides himself, "Hey, I got your text." Really, he hadn't known how to respond. He hadn't even know Thomas had a brother. "Tommy, are you okay?"

Thomas turned from the two boys battling on some video game and shook his head," No. I'm really not."

"Who are you?" Chuck asked suddenly, raising his head with a narrowed gaze," Are you with MI6?"

Johnny let out a huff of air, "He's too skinny to be in MI6."

And okay, wow. Newt had a moment to feel offended before Thomas showed him his phone," Fry says we should call the authorities."

Minho trailed forward to where they stood beside the opening of the kitchen, who looked quite displeased at the entire ordeal, "How did they even get here?"

Thomas couldn't even wrap his head around the fact they were sitting there, let alone how they'd even managed to escape there place and find a ride." I have to talk to him alone."

Newt reached forward to squeeze his arm with a gentle affection," Go on. I'll keep the other one busy."

The _other_ one turned and stared at them directly, as if staring into the very depths of their souls. Newt gulped a little, just as Minho said something under his breath and moved to grab a beer from the fridge. Gally held up a single finger as a gesture to Minho, who looked exasperated having to go back. Newt didn't blame him, they'd been up all night entertaining the little ones. He would never have the patience.

No, he'd much rather be getting laid.

He forced a pleasant smile and turned to Chuck with clasped hands," Why don't you and I make some cookies? Or uh, whatever they have in the pantry."

Chuck raised a brow and slowly moved to set the controller down," Okay... I guess."

Thomas took his chance to open the back door, where it led to a small balcony that he had way too many memories nearly jumping from. What could he say? Being high really did convince the mind you could fly at times, or land like spiderman. "Come on Johnny." 

Johnny followed him outside with a gaze far too inquisitive for a boy his age. He tilted his head and waited for Thomas to speak, his arms resting up against the railing just as Thomas did. It was something he had done a lot before, mimicking actions as a child to appear more involved. In a way, it was how he showed affection. Thomas smiled a little at him, even as the pain of everything settled hard on his shoulders," You know that I'd give anything to have you living with me. Right?" When Johnny shrugged a little he nudged him gently," I mean it. I missed you a lot Johnny."

His little brother stared off towards a plane in the air with a soft frown," Then why don't you get a bigger place?"

"I'm working on it," Thomas said," I just need to get my life together, and one day you can come live with me." The thought suddenly, seemed more possible than it could have ever reigned years before. Why couldn't he get a place for them? Taking care of his brother, righting the wrongs, helping him grow... It would be like old times, when his mother had whispered her urgent desires for them to remain close.

Johnny fumbled with the string in his jacket in thought, and after a moment he lifted his head to stare at Thomas," And Newt?"

See, _inquisitive_.

Thomas bit back a smile," Yeah and Newt." 

Johnny nodded promptly at this," I like him, he's kind of like a spy even if he doesn't look like one."

"Yeah..." Thomas trailed off with a fond chuckle," Guess he is." 

When Thomas looked down at him, he saw the small hints of a smile. Growing up, it had been hard to get him to smile. It wasn't that he was never happy, he just didn't know how to share it like other people. Thomas always thought that it made him special, in a way only the closest people would be rewarded with the soft grin as awe filled his eyes. "I guess I can wait a little longer," Johnny said in great thought," My foster parents aren't that bad, but when I found you I got really excited."

Thomas smiled back," How did you find me by the way?"

"I tracked your records" Johnny said with an easy shrug," It's not hard you just have to log your information into a database and search for anything public record. You were hard to find since you don't own anything and you were arrested a long time ago, so I looked up Minho. It took me a long time to remember his last name, but after that it was smooth sailing."

Thomas stared in amazement," You're a really smart kid."

"I know," Johnny said and he didn't have any pride behind his words. He shifted a little on his feet to mimic Thomas' stance again, leaned up against the wall," Hey can we get ice cream before you call them?"

"Yeah," Thomas said, wondering if maybe God really did have his hands held out for him after all," Sure. Ice cream sounds great." And then as he turned, Johnny moved a hand to pat his shoulder, a soft touch, but one that meant more than the world to Thomas.

Later in the night when they got the kids to bed in Thomas' room, he moved towards the couch to rest beside Newt. A soft sigh escaped him, and he leaned back to close his eyes momentarily, just to take it all in. Newt pushed a hand to his knee and squeezed gently," How are you?" He asked.

"Tired," Thomas said, but the smile was still present on his face. He opened his eyes to peer at the blonde beauty and gestured for the blanket set out on the arm rest," This couch pulls out if you want to stay."

"I want too," Newt whispered as Gally and Minho spoke through the walls of the other room," But Ben wants to continue talking tonight."

"Did you-"

"I tried," Newt said," but he had to leave and now I'm just trying to figure out how to start a conversation like that." 

"It's okay," Thomas said, because with everything that had happened, he could wait a little longer. Newt wasn't going home to Ben's arms and that's what made it easier. He pushed a hand out to cup his cheek, just as the door opened and Brenda struggled with a bag of clothes from her recent job. She did embroidery for a company, and they'd just had a massive load thrown on them out of the blue. When Thomas turned to look at her, she immediately raised her head with wide eyes.

"I feel the aura of this apartment," she said with a narrowed gaze," What happened and who should I be yelling at?"

Thomas pulled his hand back with pursed lips," Um... Your boyfriends are in the room. I'm going to walk Newt to his car." And that, was how you dealt with a woman who'd been up for twenty four hours without a break. He quickly stood and offered Newt his hand, who took it with a sheepish look as they moved past the bag of clothes setting on the side of the wall.

When they made it outside, he felt a soft breeze throw strands of his hair across his forehead as they trailed down the steps to the parking lot. Newt stopped at his car and pressed his fingers to his head with a sigh," You need it cut again."

"Yeah," Thomas said," Maybe tomorrow." 

The simple touch had them staring forward with the gaze of forbidden lovers. What they had wasn't a sin as far as Thomas was concerned, but everything they'd been through felt like the entire world wanted them apart. He wouldn't have it. He'd lost so much in his life, but he'd be damned to hell before he ever lost Newt. Not again. He pressed a hand to his waist and pulled him in close, their foreheads touching for a moment as he whispered," I love you. One day, maybe I'll have a way to show you just how much that is."

Newt lifted his gaze with a tender affection," You don't have to show me anything that I already feel for you. If you think you could ever love me more, than I'm quite sorry to inform you that you're wrong."

Thomas' lips turned into a beam, brighter than the moon that set it's precious touch on the vast world of intricacy. It made sense now. Without the moon, the Earth would have darker nights and shorter days, the axis would slowly change its tilt until wild storms rushed down on the living, and the ocean would no longer reach it's full potential. Their love wasn't so different. Perhaps they could be apart from each other, but they would miss the way it felt to see the complexity of colors of every moment, their souls would be tormented by the raging monsters hidden inside minds, and they would never find anyone to complete what so many sought for. Their oceans, their lives, would never reach what could have been.

Oh so beautiful it was, to be afraid of losing anything so precious.

He was weak. Aris lowered down to his boss's face with a low curse, a foul stench emanating from the lab they had in the attic. Meth was one thing. Meth gave you the ability to make difficult decisions, to be calloused when someone needed punishment, to be straight forward when the little bitches needed to be demanded to move. But, this... He shook his head with hands that clenched against the couch.

"He did this to you," Aris said with a low growl," You let people in, and now you're nothing."

Alby lifted his head for a moment and blinked back, but heroin wasn't like the crystal they sold. It inhibited the ability to react, and even then the user did not care enough to try. It was sickening, watching a man he looked up to for so long fall to this. 

He made sure the door was locked to the house before moving towards the pebbled path down looming trees. There was no light other than the flickering lamp he kept in his hand as he continued further into the woods. About a half a mile, he took a sharp turn, past thick brush and thorns that kept trespassers from seeing what stood behind. When he came through, some thorns jabbed into his side, he only paid attention to the small cabin. It had a single room and a bathroom connected, and even Alby hadn't been aware he'd began to clean it up for his own use. How could he? He'd been too fucked on the shit.

He used his keys to unlock it and settled the lamp down before turning on the light. He'd done a little wiring to get the brightest bulbs he could, because Aris had always been a very imaginative man who hated not seeing his art work in the best view. 

"Sorry for being late," Aris said with a smile," I had a lot of thinking to do." 

A muffled noise escaped, and Aris sighed with irritation as he moved forward to the man strapped to a chair, his mouth duct taped closed and stuffed with his own shirt. He leaned forward, pressing his hands on either side of the chair's arms," Don't be impatient. That's never nice." The man before him had been left for a day, and now sweat dripped down his body with the lingering dirt and blood of his head wound. Aris reached forward to touch it, watching as the man screamed into his barrier and tears fell down his face. 

"No," Aris said with a soft hush. His words came out in a whisper as he reached for the different tools he had on the rolling bench," Do you remember when you tried to get clean? You told Alby he was a murderer... And he let you go." His fingers clenched around a thick blade, quite rusty, but it would do. "He let you go, because you made him weak."

"Anmsi!" The man cried out, and Aris furrowed his brows as he raised his weapon.

"What?" He asked," You don't make any sense."

"Amnsi!" With a growl, Aris stripped him of the duct tape and pulled out his shirt. It's not like anyone would hear anyways, not this late in the night. "Please! Please, God. I- I have a kid. I have a wife now! I'll do anything!" And then he screamed, which Aris found quite rude.

He tilted his head and sneered," You have no manners." His hand flicked back, and then he punctured his throat with the blade to watch the sudden geyser of blood pour out in a river across his chest. His head jerked with each pulled breath, and Aris forced his fingers into the wound to hurry the process, feeling the rubber texture of cartilage and tendons, and the warmth of his life essence seep out under his fingernails. He let out a soft gasp," Don't drop blood away from the tarp. I'll be very upset."

When his life had escaped completely, or enough for Aris to admire his work, he leaned back and rubbed his fingers against his neck. They trembled as he turned to the wall where pictures posted with information about addresses, dates and desires of the sinful. He grabbed the knife he'd used and jabbed it into the picture of the boy he'd just brought to retribution. His gaze followed the pictures with a sigh," There's so much work, Alby. I'll make them pay though, for making you so weak."

He pushed a finger up to a new photo, smirking a little with a rush of adrenaline. "No," he whispered to Newt's face," I save the worst for last. Not yet."


	37. Forgiveness

Newt closed the door to his apartment, and a malaise wave struck him as he turned to see Ben standing in the hallway outstretched towards the kitchen and open space of the living room. The first thing he noticed was the way his hands were clenched into fists, his uniform jacket strewn tight in one of them. The second, upon lifting his head, was the redness rimming his usual royal blue gaze. Newt gulped hard, half wondering if he'd found out about the way his sins still tainted his sheets. He'd allowed his hands to wonder towards Thomas, and despite how right it had felt, what he'd done had been a betrayal unworthy of forgiveness.

"Ben," he started, barely getting the name out. He wasn't sure if there were any other words present on the tip of his tongue, because Ben was moving towards him. He looked as if each step weighed heavily on his soul, and it wasn't until he dropped his jacket that Newt realized he was whispering to himself.

"Gone," he said, and Newt reached forward to touch his shoulder, surprised when he didn't flinch back. 

"Ben, I'm so-"

Ben pushed his arms around Newt with a sudden gasp, until his fingers were grasping his shirt and his face was pressed into his shoulder to smother the sound of the horrid, devastating sound of Ben's heart breaking. Newt lifted trembling fingers to push through strands of his hair," I'm so sorry," Newt whispered, though it would never be enough.

"He's gone," Ben said with a rough breath," I talked to him this morning..." When he pulled away, Newt realized it wasn't what he'd thought. This wasn't about Thomas at all. His brows furrowed as Ben wiped at his cheeks, glimmer of tears caressing his eyelashes. "My dad was healthy. I don't understand it- I don't-" he broke off again, and Newt did the only thing he knew to do. He pulled him close for another embrace and tried to hold back his own emotions as his hand smoothed up and down the back of his neck.

"It's okay," he whispered, because despite what he had to do, he never wanted to see Ben cry. Ben was more human the some of the people that had come into his life. Ben still helped out at the soup kitchen, regularly called his parents and younger siblings, attended school events to teach kids about using the badge correctly... He was a really good guy, and this... He couldn't hurt him now, like this. He couldn't even imagine ever losing his dad and the pain he radiated was enough to keep Newt still. His arms kept around him, even as he tried to pull away. In the end, he sobbed into his chest while Newt whispered soft words into his ear.

Even Simba, the usual hectic child, stayed standing perfectly still as if he felt the wave of loss heavy in the air.

Chocolate swirls and a handful of dyed candy sat resting in a plastic cup, spoons unneeded for the eager children sat across from Thomas and Brenda. It turned out that she was the only one who could control them without starting any arguments. The single raised brow was enough to keep them from demanding another, despite the melting reminisce of what they hadn't touched. He leaned back in the booth and tried to keep himself from worrying about the call they'd have to eventually make.  
  
He knew he couldn't have his brother with them forever, but maybe a few days would have been nice. A waitress leaned over to fill up his cup of coffee before smiling fondly at the table" You two make a cute couple."

"Oh, no-" Thomas said immediately," shes dating my best friends."

The plural word must have faded right over the woman, that or she didn't care enough to ask. Brenda propped her chin up," And he's dating a man."

The woman nodded a little before glancing to the register," Yeah, and I'm dating the bald manager." She seemed a little frustrated by the idea, and when the man made notice of her gaze he lifted a hand up to wave before winking not so discreetly. She rolled her eyes with a snort," He thinks he's a charmer. Let me grab your bill, I'll be right back."

"I'd sure like an- never mind," Chuck stopped half his sentence when Brenda eyed him with t _he look_. Thomas was beginning to wonder if he should take lessons from her.

"Did you know some butterflies are carnivores?" Johnny asked suddenly, and when Thomas took a moment to actually register what he'd said, he realized his brother was staring into his empty bowl with a calculative gaze. "The harvester caterpillar lays it's eggs on colonies of woolly aphids. They eat them, and sometimes when they need to, they use their corpses as shelter against danger."

"That-" Thomas tried to not look shocked by the sudden information and forced a small smile," That is really neat."

Johnny lifted his head to stare at him, and after a moment he finally nodded in approval. Thomas felt as if he'd just passed some secret test or something. He chuckled a little as his phone vibrated in his pocket. When he took it out, he read the notification from Gally-

 ** _Gally_** : _Hey check that curly haired one's bag. Think he stole my game._

Thomas looked at the bag set on half of the table and shrugged to himself, because this was a battle he would not willingly begin. Despite not being related, Thomas definitely felt a little responsible for keeping the peace with Chuck. It was clear Johnny liked his company.  
  
"Alright," Brenda said with a stretch," I have to get back to work. You want me to drop you off at the group?"

"Fry says he'll help me call, but I don't know if I should be bringing kids to a place like that," he admitted a little sheepishly. It's not that it wasn't normal, but he didn't exactly want to explain everything a meeting was to two boys who would definitely be asking questions the entire time.

"Why?" Brenda asked," It's a drug free place where people find themselves spiritually. I think it's probably the best place you could take them." Which was odd, because Thomas hadn't ever imagined a room full of addicts would be the most safe place he knew of. She had a point though.

"I mean... I guess since Fry will be there all day, I don't really have a choice," he said in thought. They had an anniversary party for another group in the area, one he'd been slowly trying to form excuses against because the mere crowds that would form. It was too many people in one place. If Newt was going... then that might make it a little more easy to bare. He sent out a quick text just as the waitress put the bill down, and Brenda took it with a smirk.

"I'll take that," she said," it's going to be my good deed of the day."

"I thought dating Minho and Gally was your good deed of the day," Thomas quipped, because most of the time he felt like the throuple was just a series of moments when she had to babysit them. Actually, their friendship was about the same. 

The group party, or uh event without alcohol, was just as Thomas had imagined it would be. A stereo was set up to blast some 80's metal band, a long line of hot food just in the middle of the building they'd rented out for the occasion. Thomas wondered what it would have been like suddenly to have taken his mom to an event like this. He thought that she'd like it, seeing the different world he lived in surrounded by affectionate welcomes and stupid laughter over a facebook meme. People who had once nearly been shot over a line of coke were now dancing around the idea of a pie walk with children cheering them on from the rows of seats. It was a drastic change, one he was really grateful to be apart of.

Winston gave him a half hug at the door and gestured to the array of colors imprinted in people's shirts like neon flashes. Thomas raised a brow at the dress code," What was it again?"

"Black out frenzy," Winston said, wearing a bright yellow shirt that read 'Please don't hug me, I bite.' He looked over to the center stage where a few people banged their head to a new track," They're just waiting for the black lights to warm up."

"Cool," Chuck said in awe," I could have brought my neon lights."

Thomas chuckled and stuck a hand into his pocket, shrugging a little at Winston who seemed perplexed by the appearance of the two kids. "It's a long story," he offered before moving his gaze through the crowd," Have you seen Newt?"

Winston crossed his arms," Did you two finally talk?"

"God," Thomas said with a sigh," I keep forgetting you two are friends." They had talked, they just hadn't really defined what exactly they were despite the obvious display of feelings. He was waiting, as he said he would, for Newt to break it off with Ben. He really thought today would be the day.

Winston laughed a little in response, though there was something distant in his gaze. He'd turned suddenly, brows furrowed at something in the distance. Thomas looked back to see the same crowd, nothing too interesting to be distracted by. "You good?"

Winston snapped his head back with wide eyes," Oh, yeah. I guess I'm just a little paranoid." Before Thomas could question it, he pat his shoulder in parting," See ya Thomas. I'll be with the coffee."

Winston did need a cup, but he moreso wanted to make sure Jeff was alright. He'd been halfway into the conversation when he'd seen a hooded man looming through the darkness like some stalker. He pushed a hand out to his shoulder and squeezed it gently," Are we sure some of these people didn't sneak in?" He forced a smile when Jeff seemed concerned by the question," I'm only worried because there's limited food."

"Oh sweetie," Jeff lifted his chin with a playful smirk, his free hand setting his coffee down onto the table," You need to relax."

Winston's features scrunched up with confusion," Sweetie?"

"I'm trying out nicknames," Jeff said with a shrug," What? Would you prefer honey? Maybe muffin?"

Winston bit back a grin despite his earlier nerves with a shake of the head," No," he said, stifling a laugh," Not muffin."

Jeff moved closer into his space and for a moment he looked thoughtful, it was met with a sudden kiss that had Winston's heart racing wild in his chest. He parted from him with a soft breath," I think you can call me anything," he said. In that moment, the same feeling from Jeff's room washed over him, and he turned to see the man in the hoodie standing on the opposite side of the wall. The person tilted their head, and just as he raised it the lights went out to illuminate the room in black lights and neon clothes with flickering glimmers of hues assorted along the ceiling and floor. Winston gasped, grabbing Jeff's arm in shock. 

"It's alright," Jeff whispered low into his ear," it's all part of the plan."

  
Thomas pushed his hands into his jacket pocket with a long sigh. Newt hadn't replied to any of his messages, so he'd given up trying to find him in the crowd. Johnny kept to his side the entire event, or at least for the few hours they attended. "I don't like this," Johnny said to himself, his finger racing against his jeans before he jerked his shoulder forward," I don't like it."

"Hey," Thomas lowered to his side and whispered into his ear," Can I take your hand? We can get some air."

Normally he'd be against holding anyone's hand, but Johnny reached for him in the darkness and curled his fingers into his palm with a harsh breath. Thomas turned to tell Chuck the plan, but his brother's best friend was already leading them towards the easiest opening of the crowd. He wondered for a moment, if Chuck normally was the one to rescue Johnny when the world became too much for him to bare.

When they made it outside, the sun stretched it's precious rays over the drying grass from it's earlier morning showers. It wasn't late, but they'd been out all day. Newt had left some time in the night, and he really considered calling him then, but then that would break his whole promise to be patient. 

And even then, he had other people to worry about. Thomas released Johnny's hand and gave him a soft smile," Better?"

The boy nodded, though his gaze kept to the fence half broken from one of the men diving for the football. He assumed the group would be paying for the repairs. Frypan was one of the few that actually tried to pry the wood back to mend it, and after a while he put a hand to his side and shook his head," Well, didn't know what I was expecting to happen."

Thomas ended up trailing his way, calculating the damage with a raised brow," Oh? Is uh, the guy who broke it okay?"

"Knocked a tooth out," Frypan said with a wide grin at the sight of his sponsee. He eyed the kids behind who were looking down at something in the grass with great respect, presumably a caterpillar. "I'd say he's doing better than you by the looks of it. You stressed about your brother?"

"Among other things," Thomas said with a sigh. It was habit. As much as he hated sharing about how he felt, Frypan was the one person he could string on and on to and not feel like an idiot after. He was his sponsor, his own personal therapist in a way. Even talking to Newt, he'd eventually begin to question if he'd said too much. "I mean, I'm happy he's here, but he's also a runaway. I don't even know what to say to them when I call. They'll think I invited them over or-"

"You'll be fine," Fry said," Foster kids run away all the time. I'm just glad they're okay."

"Yeah," Thomas nodded a little before turning to make sure they hadn't run off," Chuck is a really good friend. I think he helps him a lot, you know."

"My cousin is autistic too," Fry said," but he seems to be doing fine. I think he manages pretty well with everything's he been through." It had Thomas caught off guard. He hadn't ever told anyone his brother was autistic, and it wasn't because he was ashamed, definitely not. It just didn't seem like anyone needed to know. He wasn't worse off than any other kid in the system because of it. Thomas thought his brother just saw the world differently, in ways that was more in depth. It was like having all his senses tuned to a singular motion, and when everything was running- he never knew what to focus on. It didn't make him weak. No one could ever call Johnny weak.

"How did you know?" He asked.

"I talked to him a little on the phone," Fry said with a shrug," You got off the line and I got a call back. He said he wanted to make sure I understood the situation, that he heard what were saying."

Thomas chuckled a little," I should have known. He used to do that when I was a teen. He'd call my last contact and just blabber in their ear pretending to be me." He scratched his neck with a soft smile," It was kind of cute."

Frypan pat his shoulder with a responding grin," Yeah, he told me you're the only who knows how to talk to him. I guess his foster parents kind of have their hands full." He shrugged a little, and a long line of the sun's light hit his face from the sudden dissipation of clouds. Chuck let a holler of excitement as Johnny reached for something in the rocks with a gentle hand. He used to rescue all sorts of stuff from kids in their neighborhood. When he was barely out of diapers he'd cup a grasshopper in his hand from the house and let it escape through the kitchen window into the hanging garden.

"Yeah," Thomas said, a little distracted.

Silence passed in waves, and Frypan gestured to the large building they'd just recently escaped," He didn't show, did he?"

Of course. Frypan always knew when there was something else bothering him. He couldn't just make up an excuse and expect to sit in his own emotions, not without Frypan trying to get him to open up. It was annoying at times, but today he felt relieved he was able to speak on it. He pursed his lips and tried to keep a casual demeanor," I mean... He said he'd break it off with Ben and come. When I didn't get a call, I was tempted to skip it."

"I'm sorry, Thomas," he said," but it doesn't necessarily mean he's changed his mind. Sometimes breaking up takes more than one conversation."

"Not if you're certain that you want it," Thomas responded, barely audible to the outside world. Break ups that lasted any longer were usually the ones you didn't necessarily want to leave. He knew from experience, breaking up with Newt. It had taken weeks for him to pull away, and even then they'd never really ended it until he'd been forced away.

He thought about it for a while, even as they got the call back from Johnny and Chuck's legal gaurdians explaining they could meet in the morning as soon as light broke the darkness. He thought about Newt when they all piled into to Gally's car and headed to the apartment, and even when they all had a good helping of pizza and laughter filled the timid kitchen. He hadn't a single text to ease his worries.

When the moon lifted to express it's gratitude to the sun's shift, he undressed and turned the shower up to a steaming heat to ease his mind from wondering. He didn't normally take long showers, but that night his hand made its way to the wall as he stared down at the white of the tubs interior. Sometimes, when loneliness slips into your bones, the only ease of it's tight embrace is to trick your flesh into the warmth of imaginative dreams. He wrapped a hand around his member and closed his eyes, imagining the way Newt's voice gasped his name in the midst of their passionate moments. He moved slow, wanting the moment of climbing euphoria to last longer than the apprehension of the day. Halfway into his movements, the door opened- and he froze with his member in hand to listen for a voice.

Items collided on the counter and a low curse emanated from the side," Fuck! Where are the bandaids?"

Thomas' jaw dropped as he pushed the curtain open only enough to reveal his face," Gally, I'm taking a shower!"

"I have a paper cut," Gally said with a growl, and he lowered into the cabinet to search around before finding a first aid kit. He took his time unwrapping a bandage to put it around his finger while Thomas stared in disbelief," Oh I probably should have used ointment."

"I am taking a shower," Thomas reminded. Walking on someone was one thing. Walking in on someone who'd been halfway to experiencing release was an entirely new sinful endeavor.

"God I can not wait until you move back in with Newt," Gally said with attitude. He grabbed the rest of the first aid kit and stomped out the door.

"You don't live here!" Thomas shouted at him, even if he was already on his way to the kitchen to join the rest of the group. And great, now he didn't feel like touching himself. He grabbed the soap and lathered his skin up with a scowl at the closed door. Gally really had horrible timing. 

He finished cleaning himself and wrapped up in a towel before parting to the door directly looking to the bathroom. Johnny and Chuck were playing video games, but he locked the door behind him just in case someone else decided to venture in on a private moment of being bare. When he turned, he stopped abruptly to stare at Newt, who was sitting on the edge of his bed. 

"Hey uh-" he was met with arms thrown around his neck, and Newt's face pushed into his shoulder with a sudden gasp. With one hand reassuring himself the towel wouldn't drop, he used the other to pull him in closer, despite his overall anxiety about the frown that had been sitting on Newt's lips.

"Talk to me," he whispered, and Newt parted only a few inches to stare at him with a despondent gaze.

"Ben's dad died today. It was a heart attack," he said, and his fingers reached to trace Thomas' cheek, as if he feared it may be the last time to ever touch him. "The first person he thought to come to was me. S-So I stayed with him. I thought I could help. And- it was okay, but then he needed to forget for a moment. I-" he closed his eyes as he spoke his next words," I helped him forget."

Thomas' felt a horrid feeling swell in his chest as he registered his words. Suddenly Newt's gaze was on him again, and it was stricken with worry. Worry for what he'd say back. He took a moment to level himself with a deep breath that did not keep the choking sensation from occupying his lungs. He cupped Newt's cheeks and whispered," Newt, you didn't do anything wrong. You're with him." _Not with me,_ he thought. "I told you I could wait."

"No," Newt stammered, backing away from the touch," You know it's not that simple. I belong with you- I could have said no. I didn't have to sleep with him, and yet I took the easiest way out because I knew it would make me feel less guilty about actually talking to him."

"You will talk to him," Thomas said in a weak voice," Eventually. I mean, I get it. I couldn't have broken it off when someone was grieving either. He's your boyfriend," And it hurt despite the fact he knew it would end," I mean... I'd be selfish to ask you to refrain from anything that entails."

"You don't get it," Newt said, and he lowered down to sit on the bed, a hand pushing his blonde strands back from his forehead," I felt so dirty afterwards. Either way I did something wrong. I cheated on Ben with you, and now I'm cheating on you with Ben... It doesn't matter we're not official, Thomas. Screw officiality. It's what we want."

Thomas followed him onto the mattress, trying to ignore his horrid habit of imagining the worst. It did bother him. To know hands had pulled Newt in to a further connection that meant more than just an orgasmic rush. When he'd been a teen, sleeping with his friends, being harassed by the older men in jail... He'd never considered it anything but a way to get off. Meeting Newt, sex had become something far more intimate and precious. It meant something now, something that he'd experienced with Ben. The thought had his toxic jealousy twisting in his stomach, even if he knew it wasn't like that.

"Newt..." He whispered," I cheated on you."

He watched Newt's eyes widen with anguish, and before he could allow the thoughts to corrode his perception, he pushed a hand to his knee," I snuck around behind your back and decided to use drugs despite what it meant for our relationship."

"It's not the same thing," Newt said, but Thomas wasn't finished.

"Meth..." He took in a deep breath, because he'd never been willing to speak so deep about his own pain, not like this," I forget what it does to me. First it's the glances, when you're tempted but you know you shouldn't. It whispers in your ear, begs you to take it, convinces you that it understands and loves you in ways no one ever could. The moment I took my first hit, I knew everything that followed would hurt you. I knew it." Newt opened his mouth to speak, but Thomas continued," I didn't care though. I switched that flip off, knowing I'd do things... And baby, I did. I kissed Winston and offered him my body to keep getting high with me, and after I left the apartment I got head from some chic I've never even met. If a man had asked me for more, I would have willingly done it, because I'm the dirty one. I'm the one who should feel like shit." He leaned forward, seeing the shock written all over his features," Not you. All you did was move on from a man that had stopped feeling, and in the midst of the hectic world you allowed him to touch you again. Not because you're a bad person, but because you're human and methheads have always been good about ruining good people."

Newt bit back tears as he shook his head," Don't call yourself that. It's not who you are. What you did... I already suspected it, but I couldn't ever hate you for it. I saw-" he said," -that look on your face when you went to rehab, like you didn't think life was worth living anymore. I was scared for you."

Thomas felt Newt's hand reach for his, and the weight on his shoulders suddenly dropped until it faded into nothing. While he still felt the reminisce of it's burden, he no longer had to carry it. "Why do you think anything you've done makes you dirty? If you can look at me, and you can say that you still think I'm decent enough of a person to try with... Then how could you ever be tainted by trying to do the right thing?"

"I-" Newt broke off with a sigh," I am just so scared of losing you again. I know you love me, but what if I wait too long? What if something happens again, or you-" he closed his lips, but Thomas knew enough to finish the thought.

What if he relapsed again?

"I'm scared too," Thomas said, and he intertwined their fingers until Newt lifted his head to look at him again," but I'm not going anywhere. Newt, I've made a lot of mistakes, but losing you again isn't going to be one of them. I don't care how long I have to wait, because I shouldn't even be here now. The fact you even wanted me to begin with is something I will never understand."

Newt leaned forward, and for a moment Thomas thought it might be for a kiss, but then he lowered his head to his shoulder and whispered low," I don't want to leave you."

Thomas pushed a hand through his hair, and Newt turned to look him in the eyes, a soft gaze with the complexity of their shared emotions," Then don't."

Aris knocked on the door with an impatient sigh, one that did nothing to define his actual stress of the evening. Getting rid of a body was a lot harder than he'd first thought, but after hours of work he'd managed quite well for his first time. Now, all he needed was someone to answer the damn door. Eventually he heard footsteps, and then an older woman peeked her head out with a gentle smile," I'm sorry, are you looking for Winston?"

"Yes," Aris said with a grin," I am actually. Is he in?"

"No... I think he's with his boyfriend," she said, her frail hands holding the door open," I can leave a message if you'd like."

"Oh," Aris leaned up against the door, chancing a glance towards the living room. There were no cars in the driveway and she didn't appear to have any guests over. "Actually, I think I'll come by another time. I don't want to bother him." She hadn't sinned against Alby, so leaving her dead in an empty home would only be extra work. That, and he kind of liked her attitude. Very helpful of a woman. Winston had probably screwed her over just as much as his ex dealer. He tilted his head and stared at her with a soft tone," I will bring you retribution."

"What?" She asked, furrowing her brows. Aris was already moving off of the porch though, keys flickering in his hand as he made it to his car. He sent her a small wave, and even if he seemed a little odd, she thought he was a rather kind gentleman. She went back into her home, and Aris waited before driving a little farther to park across the street. He could wait. He could wait as long as it took. With a soft hum, he unfolded the paper he had in his passenger side to stare down at the list of names. Winston, oh how difficult he was beginning to be. He couldn't be surrounded by people all the time though, so he'd keep his head up and ready.

Samuel adjusted his gun back into place with a shake of the head, a disdained frown taking over his features as he lowered to the body found drenched in blood. When they'd found him, there had been a scarf wrapped around his decaying wound, though now everything was out in the open for them to see. His partner stepped beside him, her eyes widening when he pushed his shirt open with his gloved hand. "Shit," he said," You recognize that?"

Marie pulled back," Narcotics Anonymous symbol." There it was, deeply cut into his chest like a blaring sign. "Looks like we'll have to go to Captain for this one. I have a feeling this wasn't a one time thing."

Samuel sighed to himself as he moved to stand," Can't ever get an easy day on the job." In the middle of the city, where people passed through without a care in the world, how had no one realized the man sitting on the park bench had been dead until now? He didn't have anything against the program, but the symbol was clear enough. It would be a shit show getting involved without people trying to cover things up.

"Come on," Marie said," maybe one of the stores caught something on camera."

With their luck lately, Samuel seriously doubted it.


	38. Guilt Sucks, My Dude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editing this note: May be a few before I add another chapter. I don't know. Maybe writing will help. This entire weekend has kind of been life changing, and idk how to deal with it.
> 
> Hope you all stay healthy.
> 
> Maybe I'll be back, maybe I won't.

Sharp perfume drug it's essence into the delicately designed foyer of the home, bordered by portraits of people Newt had never met. The wallpaper was a soft powdered blue, and thin vines danced across the stair case towards potted plants of vibrant flowers to match the interior. He kept close to Ben, despite the absolute shit show that continued in his head. Words of vicious intent shrouded his overall demeanor, though Ben had assumed it was the anxiety over meeting his mom before they'd gotten out of the car. He'd nodded, made up a false story about meeting her during such grief, but then Ben had forced a smile despite his own and leaned in to kiss him. "It'll be alright," he said.

And it was, for the most part. Ben's mother was a lovely woman, who embraced him with a welcome hug and smiled wide at the sight of Ben pushing an arm out to lead Newt through the tour of the downstairs area. She clasped her hands together when they made it to the living room with a teary eyed gaze," He would have loved to see you two so happy..."

"I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to meet him," Newt said, because it seemed like the only thing he could in the moment. There was no googling his way out of this mess. Maybe if he were a shit person, then it wouldn't hurt so much. The thing was, that Newt genuinely cared about him, he cared about the way he kissed his mother on his cheek and the way his eyes softened on a portrait of his father holding up a small kitten. He cared about the tiniest of details of his smile, and the way sometimes it seemed more forced than others.

"He'd be proud," Lottie said with a gentle whisper, and she cupped Ben's cheeks before glancing towards Newt," You two are so handsome together. It just warms my heart everytime Ben tells me about your little dates."

"She seems more interested in meeting Simba," Ben said with a soft chuckle, and this really got to Newt. Thomas and Newt had adopted their child together, and allowing anyone else to erase that memory was too much.

He lifted his head and forced a grin all the same," Well, he can be a bit hectic around strangers. I think he's a loner by choice."

"Aren't all cats?" She joked with a wave of the hand. It was a sweet gesture, but Newt felt an unsettling swirl within his stomach that lurched forward to tighten at his chest. Her hand flicked with the jewels along her wrist before she brandished a fine wine from the coffee table set out along glasses," Here, I brought out his favorite for the occasion. I thought it might be a nice gesture... Ronald did always enjoy his guests."

Newt opened his mouth to speak, but he realized then that he didn't actually have to refrain from it. Surrounding himself with his group of friends and Thomas, he'd forgotten that alcohol had never been an issue. He'd stopped though, for his sake, and now it had just become habit to decline an offer. He found that wine might actually help his state, so he allowed Ben to open it with a corkscrew and tried to seem joyful about having a drink.

Ben offered him a glass, and Newt smiled gently before taking it. He sipped a little and nodded with approval to add to the effect," He had excellent taste, Mrs-"

"Oh no," she said quickly," No Mrs. anything. You can call me Lottie dear, you're practically family." And that one certainly packed a punch. Not only was he going to break Ben's heart, but now he had his mother invested. He wouldn't blame her for shooting him in alleyway when this was all over.

"Lottie," he mended, even as his heart started to race. It would have been easier if he could have found one thing wrong with them, the most miniscule of things would have given him enough to dwell on to ease the guilt. Though, he sort of deserved to feel guilty. With another smile, he continued his lie throughout the evening.

Thomas threw a rubber ball against the ceiling and watched it as it fell back into his hands with practiced ease. Before his brother had been picked up, he'd offered him the little toy with a gentle hand. "It helps me when I don't know how to feel. When you throw it, you push all your thoughts in the air and when it comes back down you pretend all the bad ones are stuck on the ceiling," he'd explained. Thomas had chuckled at the thought, but he found it distracted him enough. He threw it again and tried to force the thoughts of every bad thing that had made a home inside his head. 

Being clean wasn't hard. It was the living part that really got to him. Thomas no longer wanted to die, but that didn't necessarily mean he wanted to deal with strain of every toxic breath in a polluted world. Things were good too. He'd managed to talk to his brother's case worker, who said his foster parents would consider more visitations until he was ready to fight for guardianship with the courts. He had a decent job, his best friends were happy, his ex boyfriend didn't hate him... And yet, something just felt off inside of him. No matter how many times he tried to find the right words to define it, he only came back with an emptiness that hurt.

So, he threw the ball up again with a little more force, and felt it whack right back into his face when the door opened to reveal Newt. He winced as he stumbled forward for it, but it dropped to the floor and bounced into his dresser that definitely needed to be organized. The blonde raised a brow as he closed the door behind him," Eventful day?"

"Um..." Thomas stretched nonchalantly, coming to an upright position on the edge of his mattress," Not really. I have three days off this week, so I've kind of been relaxing." If he could call it that.

Newt uncrossed his arms with a nod, as if trying to find the words for his sudden appearance. He gave up in the end and moved to sit beside Thomas, who was trying to ignore the way the rubber ball rolled across the floor to find a hiding spot. "You okay?" He asked, noticing the wear of Newt's features.

It was a strange thing, to be uncertain if he was allowed to hold his hand or reach to hold him in way that might ease the tension of his shoulders. It seemed simple enough. The universe craved for it's creations to follow a certain path, and even if he didn't believe in fate- the hotel that looked over the mountain had been a sign of something far greater planned for them. Or... He thought numbly, maybe it had been a warning, or nothing more than a vindictive tease for their shared pasts. If he had his rubber ball, maybe he'd throw those thoughts up to the ceiling too.

"I met Ben's mum," Newt explained, and he shrugged before Thomas could find anything to say," I've realized a lot about myself."

"Yeah?" Thomas licked his lips, finding a few other nervous tics that tried to move his body in response. He always felt, lately, whenever he saw Newt he wasn't sure if he was about to be broken up with or told they could finally be together. His eyes widened in realization. That's where his emptiness reigned from. The uncertainty, the fear. God, there was a lot of that.

"I'm not entirely a good person," Newt said, and he turned to look at Thomas with a deep breath," Don't fight me on it. I'm more afraid of the guilt that I'll experience breaking up with Ben, than actually hurting him. Even then, part of me says I've already messed up, why not continue it?" Thomas wasn't sure what he meant, but he continued to listen as he spoke," It's this stupid need. I care about him, but I'm also so bloody fucked in the head that sometimes I picture you fucking me and having him walk in. I know it would hurt... But then I wouldn't have to say anything, and that idea, the fact it's even something in my head says it all."

Thomas' jaw dropped, and with great effort he managed to close his lips before trying to speak," I uh-" he let out a soft breath," Sorry, I just wasn't expecting that."

Newt narrowed his gaze at him," And you're no help at all! What are you even doing shirtless? Have you ever heard of clothes?"

"Sorry?" Thomas asked a little helplessly. He'd never been yelled at for having his clothes off before, at least not from anyone who didn't work at Denny's. His hand reached for the basket of half folded clothes, but Newt was standing up already to begin pacing with an incredibly frustrated sigh.

"Don't give me that look," Newt said with an accusing finger outstretched towards him.

"What look?" He honestly wasn't even sure what was happening at this point, but Newt was definitely angry at him.

"The look," Newt said, stepping closer into his space," Your eyes do that thing, and then you bite your lip pretending to be nervous and the entire time I try to get a point across, you're just getting me all riled up because you know it's a weakness."

Thomas shrugged," I mean this is just my face."

Newt stepped forward, and without thinking he pressed a hand to Thomas' shoulder with a soft breath. His eyes glanced down to his lips, and then to his eyes that stared back with a mixture of emotions he'd often push down for the sake of sanity. "You're infuriating in the worst way," he said, and suddenly he was kissing Thomas with such force that he nearly fell back against the mattress. Just as his hand reached forward to pull Newt in close, despite how damn confused he was, Newt pushed back on his shoulders and parted from his lips with a gasp that could have emanated from either of them. He frowned," See," he said, though instead of irritation, a more defeated tone escaped into the air," It's a weakness."

Thomas stared at him with wide eyes," I'd hardly call it a weakness," he whispered in awe. And finally, he allowed himself to reach over to trace a thumb against Newt's cheek, who leaned into the touch with closed eyes.

"I can't wait any longer," Newt said, his fingers brushing back against Thomas' hair. When he opened his eyes, Thomas saw a new determined glint in them before he pulled away. "I have to go," he said," I have to tell Ben."

"Now?" He asked. It was getting late, and Thomas had sort of hoped they'd continue the whole frustrating make out that had nearly taken place. It's not that he didn't believe Newt really wanted to do it, but part of him wondered if it would end up like the last few times he'd said those words. The night would grow darker, and Thomas would wait... And then Newt would end up curled into Ben's arms until the sun rose again.

"I'll come back," Newt said like a promise. Thomas, even as the doubts grew in the back of his mind, had no choice but to believe his words.

Gally watched Newt leave the apartment with half a sandwich in his hand. Brenda picked up her coffee, pretending not to notice despite the shared looks her boyfriends were passing along the kitchen table. "This is why we need a bigger place," Gally said under his breath," because as much as I love them, it's pretty much started to feel like a soap opera." When the two gave him a look, he began to mimic the dramatic voices," Oh, I love you... But I'm with a man I do not love because it is what's right." He raised a hand to his chest and turned his head," I no longer have an addiction for drugs, but for you. Marry me and set off to se-"

"We sound nothing like that," Thomas said from the hallway, leaned up against the wall with crossed arms.

Minho's eyes widened," Okay, ignoring that." Gally shifted back in his seat with an uncomfortable cough as Minho continued," He does have a good point- I feel like we're always crowded here when we all have suitable places."

Thomas pursed his lips, and his friend finished with an apologetic look," I mean, you will eventually live with Newt again."

Brenda leaned back in her chair," It would help to not pay rent if we all got a place together. I don't feel like we have to worry about breaking it off and finding another place to live either. I mean, I love you idiots, so..." She shrugged.

Gally made a dramatic face, and Brenda responded with a slight kick under the table, all in good affection. Thomas took the time to pull a chair out for himself, reaching for a glass of lemonade that had been untouched. When he wasn't yelled at for stealing a drink, he curled a finger along the ring of his necklace," Don't you have a pretty decent place Gal?"

"Yeah," Gally said," Why the hell do we hang here if my place is full of room?"

"Because your place is on the other side of town and we both have jobs," Minho reminded but with a fond grin," I don't know how you drive that far into the city just to work at a shitty gym."

"It is not shitty," Gally protested.

"It's kind of shitty," Thomas thought, leaning forward to the table," if you think about it, your gym is the entire reason Newt and I aren't together right now." He laughed, though Gally looked a little mortified," I mean... Newt met Ben at the gym. Newt only goes to the gym to hang out with you-"

"Hey," Gally said," That is not the only reason you two aren't together," though he didn't sound too sure.

Brenda rolled her eyes and sent Thomas a small smirk," He's teasing you Gally." The level of actual horror he experienced at the thought was almost enough to make Thomas feel guilty. Almost. He liked picking at Gally, he couldn't help it. His face morphed into a character, almost like a soap opera one might say.

  
Winston pushed himself into Jeff's lap, half crowded by the middle console and wheel as he set the seat at an angle. His hands roamed into his buttoned shirt, where he left soft trails through a passionate and deep kiss. He was gasping between movements, his position causing his body to rub against Jeff's in the perfect way.

"Fuck," Jeff let out another rough breath in between their shared embrace, his hand pushing against Winston's ass to feel the hot friction of each thrust of their bodies. "If we keep going I'll be late."

"Do you really care?" Winston asked, nipping at his ear before smothering his neck with teasing kisses, his own hand rummaging for the opening of Jeff's jeans. It was so tempting to let himself be touched, to forget time, to forget any worries. Though, he'd done that plenty of times before, and it never turned out pretty. His fingers wound themselves in Winston's hair as he pulled back against the seat gently," As much as I want to say no, she'll be pissed if I'm late again. She has a date."

Winston sighed with reluctance, and he took a moment to calm his racing heart before he managed to get a look at the time. Shit, Jeff was already late. He threw his legs over the console and shifted back into his seat before moving for the door," Wait-" Jeff pushed a hand out to his arm," I'll come by later tonight after I'm done watching the kid."

Winston leaned into a kiss of parting with a small grin," I'll leave the back door unlocked." He got out of the car and watched Jeff pull out with a half wave to the empty street of his neighborhood. Even if their moment had ended abruptly, he still felt the warmth of his fingers linger along his body when he reached for his keys to unlock the door. He pushed it open and furrowed his brows when he was met with darkness. It wasn't too late, his grandma should still be up watching old runs of television shows.

"Hello?" He turned the corner and found the dim lamp flickering on and off. He reached to turn the bulb with a sigh, watching it ignite once more. "I'm home," he called again, and he set his jacket out along the couch before trailing down the hall towards her room. _She was okay,_ he told himself. The doctors had said all her blood work came back fine, that bringing her home was safe.  
  
Still, as he pushed open her door, he felt a horrid wave take over him- and then a sudden sharp pain struck with the sound of a colliding object to his head. Winston fell back against the floor, and Aris reached down to tug on the end of his shirt," You're a pesky little bug," he whispered.  


  
  
Thomas finished dressing into comfortable clothes after pacing a little in his room with the rubber ball in hand. He set it on the dresser and let out a long sigh before turning towards the door that had yet to open. Newt said he'd be back. It had been an hour or so, and he wasn't worried, he just wasn't exactly as patient as he'd first thought. In a near fit of thoughts, he moved to the living room to find something to distract him only to see the note Minho had left at the table.

_Going out for dinner. We didn't want to wake you. Be back in a few hours._

Thomas sighed and crumpled up the paper into his hand before aiming it for the trash across by the counter. With a small flicker of defeat in his eyes, he watched it topple to the ground, kind of like his evening had. When he bent over to pick it up, he heard the knock outside the door and immediately straightened up. Newt didn't normally knock, but if he thought Gally and Brenda were around he'd try to announce his presence lately. His hand pulled the door open, and his jaw dropped at the sight of Ben, who looked more than a little nervous. Ben? Thomas furrowed his brows as the man took a step forward.

"I'm sorry to barge in," Ben said," but I didn't know who else to go too."

Despite his better judgement, Thomas opened the door further and gestured for him to come in. He closed it behind him, and for a long moment he tried to calm his breaths before facing the man who'd practically stolen his lover. "I'm not sure how I could help... with uh, anything." He was supposed to be with Newt, talking about the break up, but apparently there had been a change in plans.

"When you and Newt were dating, did he ever do anything that might harm himself?" And the question caught Thomas off guard as he trailed forward to the kitchen where Ben sat down in a chair. He pushed a hand out for his old cup of lemonade and took a long swig, only to get his thoughts organized before he willingly had this conversation.

"What do you mean exactly?"

"Sometimes he gets weird about," Ben moved his hands a little awkwardly," things. I know how strange this is, I mean I guess you must not like me, but I thought if it meant keeping Newt safe then it wouldn't matter."

Thomas stared at him with pursed lips,"Is Newt in trouble?" He asked, because as much he didn't actually like the guy, he spoke the truth.  
  
"I don't know," Ben said with furrowed brows," we went to see my mom today and when we got back to his place he disappeared in the bathroom for a while. I thought he was in the shower, but then I walked in-" he sighed in frustration," I think that I saw him holding a blade to his leg. It was quick, and I'm not even really sure. He wouldn't talk to me after, just left the apartment like he was pissed."

Thomas' eyes widened," He was cutting himself?"

Ben lifted his head with worry evident in the entirety of his features," You look like you've seen him do it before."  
  
Thomas bit his lip with clasped hands set in his lap as he moved to sit down beside him," It's not my place-"

"Thomas, please," Ben said, and he leaned forward with such an intense gaze Thomas found suddenly, that he understood why Newt had such a hard time breaking it off. The guy was genuinely worried now, and he didn't even try to hide his emotions.

Thomas contained everything that would make this conversation harder, trying despite the difficulty, to see how Ben must feel. He was Newt's boyfriend, and even if it wasn't for long, Ben had a right to be distressed. He took in a deep breath, "He used to do it before we started dating. It was calming to him..." The high he'd felt smoking or snorting his drug was near the same release Newt felt seeing blood. He bit his lip, and with a soft voice, he added after a moment," but he hasn't needed to in a while."

Ben's eyes widened with grief, his hands rushing through his hair "I don't understand." He seemed to be pleading for something, but Thomas wasn't sure what he could give him. "Things are good. If he was experiencing pain, why wouldn't he tell me?" He asked with a weak voice, moreso to himself.

Thomas thought about Newt's stress involving their relationship and the guilt he'd been fighting back with the lies that had continued. He looked Ben in the eye, and for a moment he felt pity for the man, "Sometimes it's hard for people to express what they're feeling." 

And, the universe spoke again. The door opened with a clang of keys, and Newt stopped in the hallway out looking the kitchen and living room with shock. His hand dropped, and Ben turned to stare at him with furrowed brows. "Ben? Why didn't you answer any of my calls?"

"And what is he feeling?" Ben asked suddenly under his breath, his gaze dancing to Thomas and then finally to Newt where it remained.

Newt fumbled with his keys to push them into his jacket, his cheeks a dark red, "I- uh, I came over here to talk to Gally, but I guess I'm interrupting you two."

Thomas pushed back in his chair with a clenched jaw. He wouldn't force Newt to say anything, but he shook his head in disapproval. His finger looped through the ring against his chest as he tried to fight back the frustration, because it would only get worse. If Newt couldn't break it off now, when would he ever? Did he even want to anymore? The doubt that he'd overcome began to flush through his body like a toxic entity of its own.

And then, he lifted his head to see Newt staring at him, and the words that followed hesitantly, "Right, okay no." Newt pursed his lips," That was a lie. I didn't come here to see Gally, I came here to see him." 

Thomas' eyes widened as he turned to see Ben's reaction. It was slow and unsteady as the man stood up and moved to stand in front of the blonde beauty. He searched his gaze for answers, and whispered words escalated the sudden tension of the room, "What are you saying?"

Newt looked as if he may faint, and without thinking Thomas stood from his seat to place his hands on the table as he watched the moment unravel into something he'd once been avidly for. Even if he wanted Newt, it didn't mean he wanted someone else hurt. He held his breath as Newt spoke in a quite voice, "I'm still in love with Thomas." It hit quite like the avalanche of a mountain, nourished by the rasping screams of a glacial storm. Ben near stumbled back, and Newt moved for him with a painful expression," I mean... I care about you, I really do. None of what we've had has been a lie, I just-"

"You'd rather be with him," Ben finished with a broken tone.

Newt reached a hand out, his fingers trembling, "Ben, I'm so sorry."

The man flinched away from the touch to his shoulder as he surveyed his surroundings with a despondent view, "How long have you known? That you were going to leave me for him?" When Newt didn't answer, his voice came out desperate and angry, "How long, Newt?"

Newt bit back tears, "Since he got out of rehab."

The answer slapped Ben across the face, and with a ragged breath he began to walk towards the door. He tried to reach for Ben's arm, whispering his name with a plead, but the man turned abruptly to stare at him with a dagger like gaze," I took you to meet my mother- and the entire time you were waiting to see him. H-" He forced back words, only for the question to slip anyways, "Have you two been sleeping together?"

Newt froze and he swallowed a painful lump in his throat, an answer enough for the man who threw his arm back from Newt's touch. "I need to be alone," he took in a deep breath, red rimming the usual soft allure to his gaze. " I don't want to say anything to you- not right now." It was clear he was holding back his anger, his pain- inflicted by a man he'd once trusted enough to tell anything too. Newt watched as he left the apartment, and how even as upset as he was, he refrained from slamming the door.

  
Frypan situated himself better on the couch with an arm thrown back around a woman who would occasionally glance his way with a smirk. She ended up pushing a hand against his arm, half nestled in the blanket they shared as the news alerted them about traffic. "This is nice," she whispered, her head lowering to rest against his shoulder. "Usually men don't call me for a second date. I think they get intimidated."

"What?" Fry turned to look at her, her gorgeous brown eyes watching him with a playful intent. She wore his long shirt, covering her bare thigh and other delicate parts. "And miss out on this?" His fingers caressed her cheek gently with a warm smile," I like talking to you."

"How you've managed to stay entertained through my rambling of the job is definitely a skill," she said, a smile curling her lips with perfection. She'd told him all about the horrid work load, and the intricacy of her partner's emotions when a new case had ruined his vacation. It was good to get frustrations out, and Frypan really didn't mind when it eased the tension of her shoulders at the end. 

"If anyone has any information on Delaney involving his murder, we encourage viewers to call the number below-"

Marie sat up suddenly and reached for the remote. It had been going off, but she only just heard the new topic being announced. With an exhausted sigh she turned it to a new channel, but Frypan's eyes widened as he watched the screen. "I know that guy."

"What?" Marie changed it back with a shocked look, half turning to view his face," You know him?"

"We attended meetings together," he said, disbelief evident in his tone as he continued to read the number," I'm uh- I'm a recovering addict. He was too. Had a good year and a half under his belt."  
  
Marie's jaw clenched and she sat up with a deep sigh before speaking," Okay, I think we need to talk."

Winston awoke to a dim light, his head throbbing with the swollen wound scarred over by the blood he'd lost. His hands tried to lift themselves, but a thin metal band of plastic cut deep into his wrist against a cold chair. He cried out, muffled by the thick cloth forced into his mouth- he'd never been so afraid. His entire being would have become immobile had he been able to get unraveled anyways.

"I didn't take my time with the last one..." A voice, a familiar one, rang out into the darkness. Winston's eyes widened as Aris stepped forward in his hoodied jacket," Art takes time, and besides I don't think anyone cares about you enough to notice you're gone."

He reached to caress Winston's cheek, who flinched against him," Shall we count your sins? They're almost as bad as your friend's." A chuckle escaped him when Winston tried screaming out through the cloth, eyes swelling with tears. "Now, what sort of punishment is worthy of a thief?"

Aris' leaned to the side to pull a rolling table to view, his fingers dancing along a hammer with a malicious smirk," Oh, I haven't used this yet." He admired the tool for a moment as Winston struggled back into his chair with no room to escape. He didn't believe in God, but he closed his eyes tight as he sobbed through the cloth with prayer after prayer forming in the wave of frantic, desperate thoughts. Winston didn't want to die. 

He tried pulling his arm up, but it yanked against the rest with no aid. Aris watched him for a moment with humor tinting his features," Winston, oh Winston. You weren't always the brightest." His hand grabbed the one that had tried lifting itself, and Winston cowered back with another series of painful sobs. "Shhhh, it's time for repentance to Alby." With one sudden flick of the wrist, he brought the hammer down to his fingers and watched with eyes of awe at how quickly skin bruised when it was harmed. He could hear the crack of bones, the sudden parting crunch when he alleviated pressure to watch the new deformity of punishment.

"Don't be upset," Aris whispered as another noise escaped in between the cloth," I'll keep you alive for a little longer. I want to try out something new."


End file.
